stories:
Table Manners
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Downsizing Bad FriendsWhat to do when invitations go unreciprocated |
Dear Helena,
Whenever we have barbecues and dinners, this couple never brings anything nor offers to help clean up. At times, they invite themselves over, knowing we are busy. Two years ago, they stayed here for a few days. I bought cold cuts for them to bring on their day trips and cooked dinner for two nights.
It’s starting to bother me that they never reciprocated—by offering to either help clean up, bring something over, or treat us to dinner. Last week, they called [to say they] want to come out this weekend. I told them we were busy. Today, my husband told me, again, that they want to come over on Saturday. It bothers me that they went through my husband even though they know we are busy.
If we should see them, shouldn’t they be treating us? Should I be suggesting they reciprocate in some form? —Mi Casa No Es Su Casa
Dear Mi Casa No Es Su Casa,
I’m amazed you’ve managed to put up with these people as long as you have. Dinner guests should never show up empty-handed, even if all they bring is a few sprigs of rosemary from their window box. And they ought to reciprocate, even if they just offer to buy beer and takeout curry.
But before you downsize these freeloaders, give them one last chance. Hint that they should entertain you for a change: “Hey, we feel bad we always drag you over to our place. Why don’t we come to yours instead?” They might agree, or volunteer to take you out. But if they demand that you produce another home-cooked meal, then they’re exploiting you and it’s time to get rid of them. At this point, you have two options:
Wall of Silence. Amelia Nicholas, a professional organizer in New York, explains, “Don’t call back. Take a couple of days to respond to their emails. Phase them out gradually.” It’s the same method you’d use to ditch someone “after the first or second date.” This might sound harsh, but it’s fine to do this is if the relationship wasn’t very intimate. If you put up a wall of silence, people are free to make up their own reasons why you stopped calling.
The Exit Interview. If you’re close, you should confront them face to face before crossing them off future guest lists. In this case, give the couple a chance to explain why they never have you over. Maybe they can’t entertain you because their house was foreclosed on, or their four-year-old still isn’t toilet-trained. But if they have no good excuse, see the previous option.
This advice might seem misanthropic, but really it’s the opposite. Getting rid of bad friends gives you time to shower attention on the people you really care about—and who make the effort to show they care about you, too. As Nicholas remarks: “My sister always says, ‘You’d weed a garden, why not your friends?’”
I totally agree. Am in the midst of doing so as well!
If you otherwise like these people and if you think they are just clueless and not exploitive, perhaps you can say that you have cut down on entertaining because it is too expensive. Then suggest that they contribute something major for the meal, like meat for the grill or the alcohol, and see what their response is.
I think you should tell them, even if you don't want to see them anymore. Some people are oblivious to their rude behavior or aren't aware that they came off as freeloaders.
Recently, I was invited to stay at a close friend's house. Her and her boyfriend were awful, awful hosts and made me feel incredibly unwelcome. I left and went to a hotel to salvage my vacation. It wasn't out of spite that they behaved the way they did, they just didn't know any better until I told them, after the fact.
Agree with Azizeh. I had a good friend who was an unbelievable mooch. I never told him how I felt, and he continued to go around ruining friendship after friendship through his completely oblivious mooching. Finally, someone had the cajones to tell him, and he has since changed his ways and become quite a gracious host and guest. Had only someone told him earlier, it could have saved him years of difficult social interactions.
The couple mentioned in the original post sounds particularly terrible. With that type of person, I'm fairly direct and would tell them that I don't appreciate people inviting themselves over and if they choose to stop by without an official invite, don't be surprised if I don't open the door.
I don't agree with the blanket rule that someone ALWAYS has to reciprocate. Most groups of friends don't consist of people who have the exact same living circumstances. Not everyone is going to have a living space large enough to accommodate guests, nor is everyone going to be financially capable of reciprocating all the time. I think that's especially the case in this economy, where so many people are out of work and underemployed. Those people may be able to help clean up or bring something modest as a host gift, but that could be the extent of it. Expecting complete parity is simply unrealistic.
A friend of mine from high school (30+ years ago) came to visit this summer as she was en route to somewhere else. Not knowing how long she would stay (dinner? overnight?) I prepared a nice meal and hoped for the best. She arrived empty-handed on Friday afternoon and stayed until sunday morning. During that time she paid for lunch for the two of us while we were out on Saturday but that was it. She always and still is an earth-mother health-nut type, so due to her self-imposed gluten-free diet she ate the hamburger I prepared without the bun, and just sighed when I told her that I didnt think the farmer's market tomatoes and lettuce I served with them were "organic". She slept on the couch (I warned her we didn't have a guest room) and played her guitar and charmed our usually shy-with-strangers cat into sitting on the couch next to her while she sang, so it wasnt a completely negative experience.
My point is, people sometimes just dont know any better. If this had been a regular habit with her (and I think it is, judging from the conversations we had) I would find it more annoying, but since the visit included catching up on many of the details of our lives that we had lost track of in 30 years, I really didn't mind.
That said, the OP's guests are chronic abusers -- inviting yourselves persistently is REALLY rude, and to NEVER offer to pay for anything, clean up, or provide anything in the way of reciprocation is tacky. We dont entertain much at our house -- its just too small -- and yet I/we are often invited to many many social functions because we practice good guest manners -- bring a nice gift or contribution to the meal, offer to help clean up, and take our host/hostess out for a nice meal at another time,
Ah yes the wall of silence or as Miss Manners called it, the "Kafka Romance Dissolver" technique. It also works well with anyone you want to just go away quietly. Except that so many folks nowadays don't want to go quietly. They want to talk it over, or get closure or some other such naval-gazing nonsense.
What they want is the exit interview. I've found this never works well. EIther they get mad and it dissolves into a slanging match or they try to talk you out of it; I'll mend my ways, I didn't know, you should X because I did y, I can make you be my friend. Do you really want to hear, "I think you are a freeloading boor?" Do I really want to say it? Do I want to hear that I'm a bore, or they find my humor dull? Nope, nope and nope.
The long slow drifting fade away is how all bad romances and friendships should die...a natural death. Now if they are dangerous or overtly unhealthy and egregiously awful then you cut them off, with a stiletto blade of a break that is sharp and swift. The cut direct has it's place.
At no point in the original letter does the poster Mi Casa refer to these people as "friends". Rather, she (I'm assuming) calls them "this couple", which leads me to believe that these are not true friends with which one might want to have the "here's why you are a problem" conversation. If these were truly friends, then such a conversation is warranted.
Gosh, they sound like the kind of heartless mooches that the OP is well shed of but has been so bullied that they don't know quite how. That they're playing one partner against the other makes them sound like the kind of velociraptor-like team that should be summarily fired as acquaintances. I mean, really- tell them that you're no longer going to talk to them. It's usually not that easy (circle of friends included, etc.) but the alternative is to get walked all over in your own home forever. Which is worse?
I dunno. OP never uses the word 'friends' but does keep sending invites to BBQ, etc, so apparently there's some appeal there.
Seems to me this has gone on so long it'll be hard to break. I'd say not to try to have a big powwow over it, but to start giving explicit instructions with the invites; "can you bring a covered dish to go with x, perhaps some carrots or beans?" or "it's a y theme dinner; what do you think you could bring?" Same on visits: "We're going to be wall papering the bathroom that weekend; if you could come be our food cart, it'd be really helpful not to have to worry about cooking and cleanup" And invite yourselves to their place, then demonstrate (once) how good guests act. If they express guilt that they never brought home made bread when you present yours, or try to say that only you can do such a 'special' thing, then lay it on thick; give them several examples of nice hostess gifts you've received to make it clear that one needn't be M Stewart to be a good guest.
Tell them to go kick rocks. This couple sounds like they suck.
I have some "friends" like this. Because I live in a very small community, and because they are in my social circle, it would be impossible not to invite them to large gatherings. I would see them at other social events, and at work and it would be far too awkward. 86ing friends is not always as easy as we would like.
Just tell them thanx but no thanx we're busy, and every time they call have other plans. Eventually you'll find the end of their persistance. There is no rule anywhere that say's you have to put up with BS from inconsiderates.
I wonder if OP and her husband have ever invited themselves to the "offending couple's" home. Ever? Occasionally? Persistently?
If I were the OP, and this couple called again to invite themselves over, I would say "OK, but would you stop at _____ on the way and pick up ______ for dinner?" Seriously ... sometimes you have to use the "2 x 4" approach with really dense people.
A relationship is always two-way. NOT in defense of the other couple, I see the poster (and/or her husband) as somewhat passive-aggressive - ie, 'letting' 'this couple' come over as often as they allegedly did, allowing them to stay for several days on end, cooking multiple meals for them...all the while, privately, keeping tabs, begrudging all of it & letting resentment build up more and more. The not-so-subtle subtext here is that she is the victim, and that 'this other couple' is to blame totally and entirely.
Notice also the questions she asks at the end are, really, rhetorical yes/no questions: "If we should see them, shouldn’t they be treating us? Should I be suggesting they reciprocate in some form?" NOT anything like: "HOW do I go about bringing this to their attention in a civil way?" etc. This clues one in that the poster may be looking for sympathy primarily, not solutions.
I think everyone, no matter how professedly "dense" s/he is, IS aware on some level of his/her thoughts and actions. They may realize that they may not be able to play "dumb" any more once someone points it out to them, and thus have to adjust their behavior accordingly. But they ARE aware, unless they're clinical amnesiacs.
So just be honest with them - TELL them to reciprocate (best in specific, concrete terms, like "Can you bring X and Y from the grocery for me" or "Can you guys help me dry the dishes," etc. If they don't like it, THEY will eventually back off. In reality, there's absolutely nothing awkward that you have to do on your end. (I think a lot people tend to over-use that as an excuse.)
And YOU (the poster) have to ask yourself, Do you really like having people over in your home - and to what extent can you tolerate company, Do you really enjoy being a gracious host/ess (because - let's face it - people, esp. friends, are going to owe each other at one time or another, and if you're always worrying about tit-for-tat immediate reciprocation, then perhaps THAT's what is, ironically, attracting further petty and inconsiderate behavior from others), AND, last but not least, Do you really like having THIS COUPLE over, as your friends? And then, simply adjust your life according to those answers. It should be perfectly easy & obvious.
In Mexico, this is called being "conchudo". The best example is Kramer from Seinfeld. Plenty of people out there like this. I'm very blunt, so people like this don't last long with me...
I think that "conquer" nailed it dead center in the last paragraph. A milestone in my life, and one I am pleased with, is when I faced up to a couple of "friends" who would act like steam rollers. i did wait too long before confronting them and was perhaps a little more intense with my observations about their behavior. They got the message and found other victims. I got my space back and my self respect. Adjust according to answers..Good Thought!