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Table Manners
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Raiders of the Lost DrinkHow to fix a dying party |
Dear Helena,
I was at a party that got pretty busy and I happened to notice the drinks were running low, and there were wadded-up napkins collecting on the bar. I was itching to spring into action and help the host. But is this OK? How much is too much? Can you go rummaging through their fridge and cocktail shelf to locate ingredients to batch up another round of cocktails? What’s OK and not OK in the name of helping? —Pinch-Hitter Host
Dear Pinch-Hitter Host,
If you’re at a party where the bar looks sloppy, it’s not your job to fix it, any more than you’re obliged to apply a touch of blush to a wan-looking friend. After all, poor presentation alone isn’t enough to kill the evening. Neither will a lack of food. But the one thing a party can’t survive without is drink. If the bar has run dry and you’re close to the host, it’s your duty as a friend to step in. (If you don’t know the host that well, it might be time to call it a night.)
There’s no need to slip out for a six-pack. You can make a pretty good drink from what you can rustle up in the kitchen. Caveat: To make a good cocktail, you need ice. If there’s none left, then you do need to run to the store or dispatch a volunteer.
Feeling shy about peering into someone else’s kitchen cabinets? It’s polite to ask before using anything that looks fancy or expensive. Lou Bustamante of St. George Spirits says he’d be pretty miffed if someone drank from his bottle of De Profundis, a 20-year-old pear brandy that retails for $200 a pop.
With that said, if the host is locked in the bathroom with one of the other guests, rummage away. After all, if someone has a big party, he should expect that guests will get sloshed and, when that happens, plunder the fridge and maybe the liquor cabinet too. The host should hide any special bottles he’s saving before the party starts. And I mean really hide them, like at the bottom of his laundry hamper.
What should you put into your ad hoc libation? I consulted CHOW’s drink expert, Jordan Mackay, and he offered a couple of handy formulas you can use to improvise.
Fruity = clear liquor + fruit + acid
Clear liquor: This could be vodka, gin, sake, or all three. Check the freezer as well as the liquor cabinet, as you might find a bottle of vodka stashed in there.
Fruit: Raid the fridge for juice, or fruit you can juice or purée. Maybe there’s a can of frozen juice concentrate. Or, Mackay suggests, use jam.
Acid: Don’t worry if there are no lemons or limes. “You can also use an unfinished bottle of white wine, like Sauvignon Blanc,” says Mackay. “Or you could even use a few drops of vinegar, very, very judiciously.”
Extras: Check the crisper or window box for a green herb like mint or basil.
Milky = liquor + milk + egg
Liquor: As well as clear liquors, you can use whiskey, brandy, or rum in this one.
Milk: Most people have milk in the fridge, but it’s often overlooked as a mixer. Vanilla soy milk works in a pinch. Or, suggests Bustamante, maybe there’s a dusty can of sweetened condensed milk in the cabinet.
Eggs: You can use just the white or the yolk too.
Extras: Add a dash of honey or maple syrup. A drop of vanilla “adds a floral note,” says Bustamante. Or sprinkle a little nutmeg or cardamom over top.
Finally, give your drink a name. This will make it seem less like something made by an 11-year-old who just mixed together random stuff from his parents’ liquor cabinet. A combination of vodka, strawberry jam, and Sauvignon Blanc dregs? Call it the “MacGyver.” It might not win any cocktail competitions, but it will probably win you friends.
Seriously?
Are we talking frat party or grown up party?
If your party dies when the drinks run out, then all your friends are using you for free booze.
It is not okay to go rummaging through someone's cabinets because you want more liquor and everyone else drank what was set out. When I throw a big party, I expect my guests to have fun but also be, you know, normal humans. Those that get sloshed and start going through my things don't get invited back.
Wow- are you kidding me? This is about as ethical as stealing things from the restaurant. I wasn't aware that hosts should expect guests to rummage through their stuff once the group is past the college party phase. If the liquor is out, it's free game. If it's in a cabinet somewhere, there's probably a reason. Perhaps the host was ready for the party to end, hoping it would die down a bit, or just didn't want to use all his liquor during the party.
Helena, the more I read your columns, the more I think you might have an alcohol problem. And no, I'm not being sarcastic or trying to be insulting.
Wow. Just wow. It is never appropriate to rummage through someone else's cabinets (with the exception maybe of looking for medicine in an emergency). When I host a party I buy and set out alcohol based on my budget and my expectation for the length and tone of the party. Maybe it's b/c I was born and raised in the South in a family with a lot of non-drinkers, but I've found that my friends and I are all quite capable of keeping a good party going with or without the booze.
Yeah, did you ever notice that at a kid's birthday party, once the booze runs out, the fun just stops? Because even if you've been drinking for the past 2 hours, you just can't enjoy yourself without a CONTINUOUS supply of alcohol. I mean, do you want your closest friends going through withdrawal AT your party?
I'm with Helena. But then again, I read Modern Drunkard, and I'm pretty sure I've seen the same advice there. http://www.drunkard.com/
Wow, I really disagree. Maybe if the host is a very close friend, you could say something, but really, if the drinks are running low, that's none of your business.
What really amazes me is the assertion that it's rude/overstepping to help the host clean up a little, but perfectly OK to go through the kitchen and dole out drinks without asking? Then again, maybe I just have a more mature circle of friends - none of us would ever ditch our hosting duties to make out with someone in the bathroom. Even in college the host always tried to stay on top of things (and reasonably sober), if only to avoid noise complaints...
I absolutely agree that this advice is horrible. Take it from me. At my wedding, my stepfather decided to "graciously donate" additional beer without my knowledge. I'm also from the south, had an afternoon wedding, and wanted a classy feel that would be amenable to the many dearly beloved bluehairs who were in attendance. I bought plenty of champagne, bottled beer, and wine. MY husband and I estimated just how much alcohol we needed for people to enjoy without getting drunk and embarassing themselves. We wanted a jovial atmosphere, but we're not hosting a kegger-- sorry no drunken baby got back or other wedding atrocities I've seen. This was a more subdued atmosphere, suitable to a wedding in a park (which ours was). But I digress. When the bottled beer went gone first, my stepdad went back to his room, brought back a 30 pack, and split it amongst the groomsmen and his friends and family. EMBARASSING. Even worse was that there was still plenty of champagne and wine left (he just wanted beer). Made me feel like an utter fool. When the wedding ended, my mother and stepfather's guests started taking the unopened bottles of wine back to their rooms. Luckily my aunt on my father's side grabbed one and tucked it into our going-away food basket. But the rest of it went to the same people who brought the cans over. It was embarassing. Don't act like that.
Folks, I do note one caveat in Helena's advice and that is "if you are close to the host." I have close friends who know that going through my cabinets would be a perfectly acceptable thing to do. They number a handful and they know who they are. And I know that I could rummage through their cabinets if necessary as well. But you've got to be really sure that you fall in that category to do this.
buspirone has a point about being close to the host - but then again, my closest friends usually help with the picking up as well as other hosting duties (and vice versa).
I can't imagine having my party guests going through my cabinets, regardless of whether their favorite cocktail has run out. The idea of having a party host unavailable for that length of time...if they're that preoccupied it's time to leave.
My question to Helena: does this mean that the prescription painkillers in the medicine cabinet are up for grabs, too?!
Isn't it amazing who suddenly decides they are the host's "closest friend" at a time like this? It's never the one who showed up to help last year when the host was taking care of an ailing parent.
If you know the host that well enough to go through the liquor cabinet, and the host happens to have locked themselves in the bathroom for a snog (or a hit) then you know her/him well enough to go knock on the bathroom door and announce that the party is running dry.
Once again Helena has proved that she is on the "B" list for parties, and the "D" list for advice columns. Just when she had started to show some promise.
I would just resort to doing synthetic narcotics.
Maybe the host only wanted X amount of drinks served so that the party didn't go on all night.
You can't assume they want to keep you until 2am.
I am with the general population here. What INSANE advice. If I discovered one of my "closest" friends pilfering through my cabinets and pantry to make cocktails I would ask that guest to leave. AND to suggest that picking up a stray napkin or two or clearing some glassware is overstepping a boundary then I am glad I usually throw a get together full of rude folks who help me clean up a tad {not too much} and stay the f@#$ out of my cabinets w/o asking. One imagines that if a host has disappeared for a length of time and can't be bothered to attend to his/her guest, SUPRISE!!! PARTY IS OVER...
This article sounds like an episode of intervention waiting to happen: "Helena was always so sweet but we started to notice a problem when we found her digging through our pantry guzzling Velvet Falernum with powdered jello chasers.... Helena, please take this gift of rehab before I never invite you to a party ever again..."
hmph!
I'm with PickleQueeen, et al.
Hell, why not go through everything and see if there are any good drugs hidden in a cabinet somewhere? Or money- or neat clothes that the host never wears.
Having your host lock themselves in the can with whoever/whatever should mean it's time to eff off, with or without an attitude. It's really bad hosting, sure, but it doesn't give you permission to pillage the place.
Yes this advice is insane - but I think the joke maybe on all of you for taking it seriously?! I thought the tone was SOOOO far over the top that this was a rhetorical article as it were. Sometimes you guys are too quick to hate!
We know that Helena reads Chowhound posts and draws ideas for columns from them sometimes, right? Well, in this case I think she read all the posts about bad guests getting into liquor cabinets and decided to make a column out of it, taking a contrarian position deliberately designed to elicit the same kind of outraged commentary.
Hey, how about we put it to the test? Helena, you hold a party, and we'll all come over and make ourselves at home with your liquor cabinet, okay?
Don't forget to dig deep in the laundry basket, and maybe she has some good bottles hidden in her toilet tank (thats why she's locked in there!)
The party that flops when there's nothing left to drink went "out" at about the same time wearing a lampshade on one's head went "out."
The thought of someone rummaging around my kitchen and/or liquor cabinet led me to think, "my *close* friends *just wouldn't* do it, and any guest who does so would certainly not be a guest in my home again."
Is the 'rummager' who is helping to serve the additional drinks also going to help pay for any of the liability insurance? If someone gets hammered and gets themselves or someone else killed driving drunk it's the host that's going to be left holding the bag. It might be the reason there was a limitation on the amount of alcohol being put out.
Given that the questioner was looking for a serious answer, one assumes that Helena was not being sarcastic or facetious in her reply; which prompts one to ask: Helena, have you lost your frigging mind, and where the hell was the editor who let that reply stand??! Really, why are either of them still employed? At the very least, one expects the advice in a manners column to make sense rather than lead people to do stupid things, and the above clearly does NOT -- for all of the reasons mentioned above, and then some.
Helena must be accustomed to parties in which everyone goes into a stupor. I'm not: that's antisocial. When I have a party, I invite people because I enjoy their company and want to talk with and spend time with them; the point IS to enjoy each other's company and, possibly, meet new people whose company one would also enjoy, not shut them all out by drinking oneself into blinding oblivion. That would be an insult to the host and to everyone else there (apparently, Helena has no qualms about people barfing wherever at her parties). I also have more on the table to eat than I do to drink, plus a supply of nonalcoholic beverages for the designated drivers and those (like me) who'd rather make every other drink one without booze (staying hydrated properly and fortifying yourself with B-vitamins keeps away the hangovers). Nor do I ever pressure people about what they're drinking or to have "just one more,' tho I do make sure to inquire regularly if anyone needs anything and do periodically pass around food to those who haven't gotten up in a while. There's always fun cocktail music on, not too loud, to keep things perky. Finally, if things start getting slow after the first hour after everyone's arrived, there's always party games like charades or Scene-It (the James Bond one is always fun, as are the film and TV versions). Finally, I always sweetly enlist a few people in advance to help me clear away dishes (a few always volunteer, so I rarely have to ask), which then get rinsed and immediately loaded into the dishwasher for a later run (that's if the party hasn't been outdoors and we were using colorful paper and plastic). All these strategies have combined over the years to keep things fun late into the night without my having even one serious drunk to deal with, thank heavens. Oh, and limiting the size of the party to people you know plus their significant others usually helps, too. I don't do huge bacchanals, thanks.
Now I should mention that when my several cousins, aunt, their families, in-laws and I all get together for Thanksgiving or an Easter or Christmas Day party, that's a group of 20-23 people, all but four of which are adults, and we've been known to go through a case and a half of champagne plus some wine and various assorted beers -- but we're talking about an 8-to-12-hour event during which there is much eating, all strategically paced so nobody overdoes it, and there's plenty of coffee, tea, juice and whatever besides. And usually, most of us are staying over rather than driving home that night, so we're not endangering anyone else. Besides, none of our waistlines can afford marathon eating more than three times a year; even so, there's always a group walk of half an hour to an hour before dessert. It's kept us all from being silly about what we eat and drink.
As for taking advice from Modern Drunkard, well, the name says it all, doesn't it? Drunkards by definition aren't known for their prudence, thus one doesn't seek advice from them on anything, certainly not on manners. When the owners of that site chose the domain name, they probably thought they were being snarky instead of simply stupid. *So* not. I rest my case.
I'm sad to say that for a lot of our friends, the party does die down when the booze runs out. But that's usually their cue to head to a bar -- which means I don't have to clean up when someone inevitably throws up or breaks something.
(It also helps that everyone knows I don't have a stash of liquor/beer/wine. Being a lightweight has its advantages.)
Before you ask, no, we don't let anybody drive. But we can't exactly keep anyone from hitting last call.
Drunkenness is really beside the point here. The original question is, is it ok for guests to raid the fridge and cupboards if the host is too busy doing other things.
Helena was responding to a question about what to do when the host is MIA. That situation only happens in the context of big bash. At an intimate dinner party or cocktail party, of course it's not appropriate for guests should to go rummaging for another bottle of wine or whatever. But at an intimate function, your host won't be MIA. You can just ask him or her if there's more.
And I think that in the context of a big party, Helena is right: if you're throwing a bash you have to expect that, unless you have someone assigned to keep the drinks table stocked at all times, people will check the obvious places for alcohol - as Helena says, the fridge and liquor cabinet. It happens all the time. And when it's happened to me, I've never felt anything but gratitude that someone dealt with the bar situation rather than go thirsty. If they drank a bottle I'd rather have kept for a nice dinner, well, whatever. No big deal in my book.
I also, btw, really like Mackay's ad hoc drink formulations. I do milk/egg drinks fairly often, and often use a whisper of Sauvignon Blanc if I'm out of vermouth for a guest's martini...But I'd never thought of the jam thing. Nice.
at all the big bashes Ive been to, either there has been someone assigned by the host (up to and including a hired bartender) or the host manages to keep track of the party supplies (food and drinks) often enough that no one has to go rummaging. And I'm talking about as many as 150 people. How hard is it to check on this stuff every half hour or so. After all, isn't that one of the duties of the host?
KaimukiMan, I totally agree with you that it's the host's responsibility....(And it sounds like you give fun parties!) Anyway, I was just speaking from my own experience - both as host and guest - that sometimes the tonic/wine/lime/etc. runs out, and the host is tied up on the other side of a crowded room, or you don't even know who the host is...Or if you are the host, you're on the way to the kitchen to restock the bar and then get waylaid with introductions/goodbyes/greetings, and then it's another 15 minutes before you get to the kitchen, by which point someone found whatever it was that had run out and taken care of the situation. To which I tend to say, phew!
originalfig- you'd actually tend the bar when you don't even know who the host is? I don't see how anyone would want someone she didn't know to "take care" of the situation. If you don't know who the host is, how on earth are you going to know what they want in terms of running a party?
I wouldn't tend bar at someone else's party (at least not unless I'm getting paid!) But as a guest at a crowded party, I have gone rummaging in a fridge for a soda or beer when the host is MIA and the drinks table is empty.
As to the other side of the coin, as a host, I appreciate my guests (whether I know them personally or they are friends of friends) taking initiative in restocking the bar if I am temporarily tied up and they are thirsty.
I realize that not everyone feels the same way, of course. And I imagine that these are the same folks who either don't throw big parties or who are better about keeping a constant eye on the supplies than I am (or who hire help for their parties.) My point was that if you are in the habit of throwing big parties without bartenders, then having people raid your supplies, from ice to beer to bitters, pretty much comes with the territory.
I would say big bar cleaning isn't your business unless the host/ess has asked you to help, but throwing out used napkins or whatever is good manners. I've been at many very casual parties where hte host/ess asked everyone to help themselves, but had the fridge set up in a way that made it very easy to see what we were supposed to help ourselves to or to use to restock--a case of beer, bunch of bottles of white wine or whatever in the middle of an otherwise nearly empty fridge, with the fridge staples moved to the veggie drawer. The couple I'm mostly thinking of also usually had a very clean kitchen with sudsy water in the sink waiting for dishes to be slipped into as they were emptied. Towards the end of the party a few people would offer to scrub up, but during the gathering most of us didn't think anything of taking the bowl from the table when the bean dip was empty and soaking it.
Helena's opening herself wide up to the usual accusations of dishonesty/ expecting dishonest behavior by saying that we should
"expect that guests will get sloshed and, when that happens, plunder the fridge and maybe the liquor cabinet too. The host should hide any special bottles he’s saving before the party starts. And I mean really hide them, like at the bottom of his laundry hamper."
Seems to me the appropriate place to hide anything one doesn't want consumed at the party is the cabinet--as long as Helena isn't coming over. Then again, I'm unlikely at this or any later stage in life to start hosting the kind of party where hordes of people I don't know show up for booze. I have regular fantasies of BIG parties for some landmark occasion, but those all involve the crowds of people who love me and/or my son.
p.s. to mpj--there is one other situation in which I believe it's fairly common for women to raid each other's bathroom cabinet. Before having people over I always make sure it's orderly and the "emergency supplies" are right up front, easy to find, and not on the same shelf as the tp.
Oh lord. Everyone ought to relax. I'm in my 30s and my friends are sophisticated, nary a frat boy amongst us, and yet...yet...when the beer runs out we're pretty much done. In some ways this is being socially aware. It seems like a hint to move on, no? You don't have to go home but you can't drink here.
And I absolutely do hide the fancy stuff that I'd be pissed if someone got in to. That way I can graciously say "help yourself to anything!" Yes I make a pitcher of cocktails (often n.a. because of my many friends who don't drink). And yes I set out wine, etc. But the beer stays in the fridge (because I'm just having a party for friends and how else do people do it!?). And anything in there is fair game 'cause that's the kind of party I throw.
If you're throwing a party with a bartender, then obviously Helena's advice is not apropo. She's talking about a paper napkin type affair. Different strokes for different folks. If you don't want people scrounging in your kitchen (totally defensible, but not the ONLY way to host) then just shoo them out. And keep an eye on things. And don't invite me or Helena.
Karen, you suggested Helena got this idea from reading chowhound posts. She may also have gotten in from a recent comment on one of her columns where I complained about her acting is if the purpose of a party was to get smashed (as opposed to enjoying spending time with your friends).
Seriously people, if you're over the age of 25 and you think it's not a party without a continuous supply of alcohol, then you have a problem.
Ruth, I think I've got a bigger problem than you mention--new neighbor, closer to my 1st-grader's age than mine (eek, that feel weird!), no limit on alcohol or control of guests at the housewarming. Wonder what Helena would have to say about puke around the mailboxes, out of 2nd story windows?
keyword here=party
I've had a couple of such parties, and i've hid the good stuff, because everyone gets into anything available @ 4am. Otherwise if it's out...........Fair game. Mix away. Let the party continue.
That said, no one was hovering about the bar waiting for an "in",.............if you are counting the number of bunched napkins, you are not having a good time. Go home.
Oh for gods sake, this column. A couple of weeks of rational thinking and you've just got to revert back to the Let's All Steal A Bar Glass From Our Favorite Bar Because You Should Always Steal From Your Friends And On Our Way Home We'll Climb Our Neighbor's Fence And Steal Some Fruit Off Their Tree As Well Because That's What Good Neighbors Do.
saacnmama, if you live in an apartment complex, complain to the manager. Or, if you want to give the new neighbors a chance, document the incident and wait until it happens again. The management should know they've got a liability problem with their new tenant.
One reason to wind down the alcohol supply later in the evening is to get people to sober up before they go home. That's a liability issue, too. And if the host is drunk (or off in the bathroom making out), then the host might not realize guests are leaving too drunk to drive.
* giving myself a dope slap for not documenting! (and hoping not to have a second chance)
The drinks were running a little low--seems as if that's a sign of trouble and not just of a lack of booze.
Think about the chances for DUIs and public intoxication charges--or worse, deaths from alcohol-related accidents or from drinking too much alcohol.
A good host will be sober enough to know when to lower the boom on the alcohol consumption before things get out of hand. That host may not be popular with the guests, but in the end, if the guests sober up (no pun intended) they will understand.
If someone did this at my party, they would be ushered out quickly. Maybe the host was just responsible and didn't feel the need to drunk until passing out?
I'm starting to question the quality of this particular column.
Mmmm, sake, vinegar, and jam.
Also remember, if you REALLY run out of stuff to drink, go steal the hosts mouthwash. Good times.
Firt thing I did was check to see if this column was dated April 1st. It wasn't.
Agree w/ Ratbuddy...the horror is less the alcoholic, kitchen-tossing rampage, it's the drink suggestions! ummm..soy milk and vodka vs. jam & vinegar...guess I'll have one of each.