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Table Manners
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RSVP to My Damn Invite!How to get your friends to tell you if they’re coming |
There is no reader question this week. Instead, Helena has some new solutions to an old problem.
I firmly believe that to not RSVP when you have specifically been asked to do so is bad manners (as I’ve said in a past column). Nonetheless, I was recently forced to accept the ugly truth: Some people—even generally well-mannered ones—just don’t RSVP. I threw a cocktails-and-croquembouche party earlier this month, and mailed handmade invitations that explicitly instructed friends to reply. How often do you get a real paper invite, for an event where a tower of caramel-adhered cream puffs will be served? Nonetheless, a handful of recipients remained mute.
I decided to tackle the topic of RSVPs again, this time from the standpoint of the host: How do you get people to answer your invite? In order to develop strategies, I needed to better understand the psychology of nonresponders. So, at the risk of putting my friends on the spot, I asked a few of them point-blank why they had not gotten back to me. “I’m noncommittal by nature because you never know how you’ll feel in the moment,” admitted one shy friend. Another was a social butterfly: “I was waiting to see if I had to keep another commitment.” A third was definitely engaged (he was moving to a new house), but liked entertaining the fantasy that he might be able to make it. I used this information to develop my new approaches:
Mollycoddle MVPs. If you have a large number of nonresponsive invitees, it’s too time-consuming to remind them all individually. But you should consider doing so if the person is an important guest, or, as a friend of mine puts it, an MVP. An MVP is somebody you’re particularly disappointed hasn’t responded to your invite. This was the case with my shy friend, who tells funny stories and always spices up gatherings. Contacting MVPs individually shows that it really matters to you if they come or not, and thus helps dissolve any insecurity. A phone call is best.
Spell It Out. Guests sometimes don’t understand what RSVP means. Some think it means they only have to respond if they are coming. Eva Ingvarson, an editorial director and blog contributor for Evite, suggests writing “please reply” instead. Give a deadline for responding and—most importantly—a reason why you need a response. For instance: “Please reply by June 10 so I know how much meat to buy.” If you make guests understand how their non-RSVP affects you, social butterflies and poor planners, like my other two friends, may feel guilty enough to respond.
Use a Multitiered Approach. These days, you can’t invite people to an event just once, especially as electronic invitations often get lost in the blizzard of email. Jennifer Marples, owner of marketing firm Koa Communications, says she sends a “save the date” email as well as an electronic invitation, and sometimes a print invite too. Then she follows up with reminders. Evite, of course, automatically sends out a reminder to all your guests (or just to those who haven’t responded). Ingvarson says this causes a “huge spike” in replies.
Yes, it’s extra work to follow up with guests, not to mention a little humiliating. You feel like a kid on the playground asking the cool kids why they don’t want to be friends with you. As Marples puts it, “Why do I beg people to come to my parties? They’re always fun.” But a party is always more fun when people show up.
My version is to tell the invitees to respond only if they are coming. This allows those who don't want to come to my party to avoid any uncomfortable feeling of saying no. If I do not hear from people, then they are not coming. (And I always make a little extra for those who come without telling me, so it's not a big deal.)
For once, surprisingly, I find myself in agreement with mwliechty. I assume no RSVP = no show, and if I really want a specific person there, I ask them via phone to get a verbal answer. Expecting an explicit "no" answer from someone not intending to attend is not necessarily reasonable, I think, when their life gets busy or challenging; it's easy to forget.
I always say "let me know if you're coming so I know how much punch to make". The booze gets 'em every time.
Sorry - this is one thing that really bugs me. In fact, I just threw a small get together and was exceptionally frustrated by the number of people that did not RSVP. When did this become OK? When did we become so narcissistic that we can't even offer someone that graciously invited us to their home a simple yes or no. I don't think I should have to guess on how much food and drink to buy: risk not having enough, or be stuck with weeks worth of leftovers.
I pretty much accept that I will be sending two rounds of messages out: 1) the actual invitation, then later 2) the reminder. Then allow for a couple extras to show up anyhow.
I'm facing this situation now. I have a big birthday party planned for the first weekend in July. Evites went out a month ago and I have 38 people who are coming and 43 I haven't heard from. They will get a reminder next week.. Meanwhile, I would like to buy the wine and beer and order some platters but the difference between 40 and 80 people is huge.
It's just rude to not respond. Guess I could greet them at the door with a "So nice you could come but please don't eat as I didn't plan for you."
The casual attitude about rsvp even extends to wedding invitations. When my niece got married more than half of the invitation recipients did not respond. And she had only invited 70 people, so these were folks who were quite close and were likely to attend.
We organize a lot of events at my work and just once I would like to punish those who show up without responding. I work on a university campus and it has become s.o.p. to assume that 15% of the guest list will show up without telling anyone. I just want to have the same number of chairs and dinners served as responses -- just once. Or better yet, the full meal deal for responders and sandwiches for the too lazy to respond folks.
Maybe it's time to add at the bottom of the invitation, "A no-response will be taken to mean you will not attend". Then if they show up, don't allow them in !! Just kidding, but it has come to that.
I have a friend who demonstrated the worst in manners. When invited to dinner, and he was the only one invited, he would ask if he could let us know on the day of. This was, I concluded, in case he got a better offer after accepting. After he did this a few times, I stopped inviting him to dinner.
A relative would not tell me if his daughter was coming to dinner with him, saying what does it matter, she does not eat much. I needed to know to determine exactly how many pieces of filet mignon to buy.
At a party I was invited to the topic of RSVP'ing came up and it was really eye opening when we all had a chance to"air" our feelings and perspectives about replying to invitations. I've already seen an improvement in guest consideration betweeen my friends & family members.
Consider talking about this issue with the people in your life before it becomes a permanent problem.
If I have people over, it's usually small enough that I can ask people individually. The one time lack of responses was a problem for me was when it was a problem for my little one. Sorry to go on about him again, but I was really shocked.
We had moved to town 2 months earlier, I forced him to choose his 4 "best" friends from his new preschool for his 4th birthday party (which was a hard concept to explain--I wound up making cards with one name on each, and a grid he had to fit them in) and made sure to make the rsvp very clear, planning to ask the others he'd wanted to invite if there was room. (No, of course I wouldn't do that for an adult event, but I keep to the old rule of thumb of one kid per year on the birthday child, and one or two more or less would be a huge difference.) He woke up that morning, peered out the window, and said he was looking for the kids. Several hours later, at party time, there was no more sign of kids arriving than there had been in the donserly light. I was crushed for him, and felt so powerless, and disappointed myself. Eventually 2 of my new departmental colleagues, with a total of 3 kids under 4, arrived. They told me later they weren't surprized about the no-shows, and that's why they had made sure to be there. There were no canapes, souffle, or expensive anything ruined or wasted, just a ridiculously large amount of pinata loot for the kids who were there, and a lesson to me about breaking into the social scene of a small town. I am still grateful to my colleagues! The next year, you bet I double-checked even with the "yes"s to make sure they were coming!
In the meantime, I think I've figured out a little bit about what was going on. They probably weren't just being insular and suspicious of the outsiders (my first thought). The birthday parties we went to there tended to be family affairs with large numbers of cousins, assorted grandparents, aunts and uncles, grand and not...my son and the couple other preschool buds who came along were welcome, but clearly not central to the gathering. So I try to be charitable and think that they somehow weren't able to figure out that we wouldn't have an automatic party waiting in the wings.
HillJ, I'd love to hear the range of responses you got.
souschef, I would have been very tempted to explain to the father that the dinner party was having filet mignon, but if the daughter couldn't make up her mind until the last minute, then she would be served a peanut butter sandwich instead. Or the father could share his filet, whatever, it's their choice.
saacnmama-responses addressed the type of invite (evites were the least favored, phoning the most), the time given to respond, the "what can I bring" question, the mixed guest list or mixed age groups gatherings. What I found most interesting was that ALL of us had wanted to talk about the RSVPing thing but no one knew how to approach it. When the time was given to be heard, the hesitations to be honest with each other faded away.
I've changed my own habit of invitation by being LESS casual about formal invitations. I live a drop in kinda life but I learned most folks prefer a specific, less casual invite in order to organize accordingly.
I have to admit I get an icky feeling when someone sends me a handmade invite and I can sense their demand for an rsvp, and along with it their need for affirmation. To me it seems kind of passive aggressive to say "look here is my fancy thing and if you don't respond and tell me how precious it is, then where do you get off being so rude." I'd much rather follow the "if I didn't reply I'm not coming rule." I know this makes me a bad horrible person, but I'm just being honest.
I have a huge BBQ every year on Memorial Day Weekend. About 40 invitations go out, but since these are to families, that adds up to about 100 people. Every year between 7 and 12 people never respond despite putting RSVP in 2 different places. Some people apologize saying it was an oversight and if they usually RSVPed in the past we believe them. If however, people don't RSVP 2 years in a row, then they don't get invited anymore, no matter who they are. In addition, if people don't come to the BBQ 3 or 4 years in a row (depending who they are), then they don't get invited anymore either.
Mr Scrapple,
How does the host know which rules you play by? The host is not a mind reader.
Some play by the rule “If I didn’t reply, I’m not coming rule.”
But others play the “I didn’t reply, but I’m coming anyways.”
That why a response is greatly appreciated.
Doesn't it take a small bit of energy to rsvp? Isn't it the least one can do, when someone offers to organize and pay for a party?
Mr. Scrapple .. Have you or will you ever have a wedding affair? Will you send out invitations to it? What if few people RSVDed? What if some showed up and others didn't? Why do you think the host put RSVP on the invitation? How is the host supposed to know how much food to buy? It is lazy, rude and most of all inconsiderate not to reply either way. As a host of an annual BBQ I'm telling you it is all of those things.
"I'm having a party, will you be coming?"
If someone asked you that question in person, a response would be the normal thing to do. If you walked away without responding whatsoever, it would be a bit strange/rude, wouldn’t it ??
So it’s the same difference with a written rsvp.
For those that don’t already know;
An invitation with a rsvp = A gracious OFER, requesting a response.
Either accept the offer or decline the offer. The key is to Respond.
All your host is asking: Please make a decision, and communicate with them.
If you are coming, great. Tell them.
If you aren’t coming, great. Tell them.
Isnt’ that a great deal… you answer a question, keep to your word, and an ALL-Expenses paid party just happens. All because the gracious host chooses to put a lot of his hard-earned money and time and energy into it.
This is how it works, guys……
With Everyone’s ACCURATE answer, the host is able to plan a successful, fun event. A party with the correct AMOUNT of food, drinks, glasses, plates, warming trays, coffee pots, seats, floor space, parking, etc. Wow, imagine that.
Please take a moment to rsvp. It will alleviate a lot of stress on behave of the host.
You’ll stay in his good graces. And heck, he might even be willing to host more events in the future !
is it just me, or are the last few Helena "I thought i'd discuss" columns taken directly from the boards ?
I just want to add that when you are invited to a party, or your child is, your reply does not mean that you can include someone else that wasn't invited. My daughter has a friend whose sister was always sent along to birthday parties. Somewhat harmless at a backyard BBQ if 20 other non invites also don't come, but completely witless and rude at a $30 a head Build A Bear or like party.
I'm on your team ajs425428 - there is no excuse (except for serious illness, traumatic events etc) for not responding. repeat non-responders cease getting invitations, it is as simple as that.
I'm on the side that I assume people will respond only if they are going, unless it's an invite given by paper invite or a personal email invitation. If it's a huge party with evites, I don't expect that the host is expecting people to respond if they are not coming. Lots of times the evite is by Facebook or something similar, which not all invites have, and other times it's just a mass email where I think it would be a pain to receive a "no" from all 200 people invited.
I spend a lot of money on stamps and envelopes to say nothing of the time it takes to make the invitations up and stuff the envelopes with them. Invitees have the option of telephoning or emailing their responses. We put down Please RSVP in two different places. THERE IS NO EXCUSE NOT TO RESPOND!!! How are we supposed to know how much food and supplies to buy? If you sent out wedding invitations and many people never responded, would you be ok with that? Some catering halls charge upwards of $100pp. I can't understand why people can't show the courtesy of responding when asked to respond. Will one of the responders who said that they only respond if they are going, please tell me why they can't do as the host requests?
queencru... If all 200 people who were invited said no, then there are other issues involved here. I mean have you ever heard of a situation where all 200 people who were invited said no? What are the odds?
Assumptions don't work, friends. Mind reading doesn't work. Bitching to people who are kind enough to RSVP might make us feel (temporarily) better but in the long view doesn't help the problem. Letting the people you know & love to invite to your planned parties (no matter the occasion) work best. Are we all so PC today that when we don't appreciate a dismissive response to something we actually care about we can't focus on a easy solution? Bad vibes be-get more bad vibes.
It's not easy to be lovingly confrontational-but hell, how many times can we get pissed off over the same issue?
Wanna be happier....speak your mind.
I hate those stupid evites. They seem impersonal and lazy. Between spam filters and unattended mailboxes they are not the best way to notify guests of a party. And what kind of response is "maybe"? I don't like how guests can see how other guests rsvp'ed. It is hard to take them seriously and I usually just ignore them.
Weddings are a different story. I'm starting to believe that those who fail to rsvp and show up should be barred from entering and those who rsvp "yes" and fail to show up should receive a bill in the mail.
The problem with evites is that some systems are not set up to allow you to respond "no" unless you register for the site. I don't really want to register for Facebook just to say "no" to a party. Like viperlush, I don't take those sorts of invites seriously.
I think that evites is a horrible, cheap, inconsiderate way to invite people to a party. What if a person doesn't have a computer or is having trouble with it? You are forcing a person to go online. Snail mail or a telephone call is the way it should be done. I agree with queencru, you shouldn't have to register with a site to respond and I don't take the party seriously either.
First of all, evites are a perfectly acceptable way to invite people to a casual get together. I'm not saying to do them for your formal wedding, but for a fun birthday party, there's no harm. People respond electronically to all types of invitations now, folks, with the exception of the fancy invites. It's the way it is. I actually prefer it.
With that said, it's just plain unacceptable not to respond to an invitation. Being the Mom of 2 small kids, I will admit that I've forgotten on occasion. However, I always rsvp as soon as I can and am apologetic to the host for my oversight. Having hosted many parties, I agree with the rest of the group. It's so we can plan the party, not because we're trying to stress people out.
And for the folks who wait to see if they have anything better, please don't come to my party at the last minute because your 2 better options bailed on you. I'll leave you off the guest list next time.
Amy... I totally agree with you about not wanting people at my party if they came only because they didn't get a better offer. As I said in a previous post, if you don't respond 2 years in a row, or don't come 4 years in a row, even with responding, then you don't get invited anymore. If you don't come 4 years in a row it simply means that you have another thing to do on that day every year or you just don't want to ever come. Everyone who knows us knows that we have the party on the Sunday of Memorial Day Weekend. It's been on that day for the last 15 years or so. If you really wanted to come then you wouldn't accept another invitation for that day.
Grammatically speaking, shouldn't the post be "RSVP to my damned invite!" ?
"I have to admit I get an icky feeling when someone sends me a handmade invite and I can sense their demand for an rsvp, and along with it their need for affirmation. To me it seems kind of passive aggressive to say "look here is my fancy thing and if you don't respond and tell me how precious it is, then where do you get off being so rude." I'd much rather follow the "if I didn't reply I'm not coming rule." I know this makes me a bad horrible person, but I'm just being honest." MR. SCRAPPLE
THIS! Seriously, if you're just having a "cocktails-and-croquembouche party " why are you making up invitations? Yes, if you're hiring a place invitations and RSVPs are a must, but drinks and dessert at your place? Pretentious much?
People are so wishy-washy. If you want RSVPs by a certain time, say so. If someone important to you doesn't respond by the date, call them. If they don't give you a straight answer, screw them. If they show up anyway, don't let them in. Those aren't true friends.
MandalayVA..Why should we have top chase after people for an RSVP? It's called common courtesy. It's not that Hard. In my case you can email me or telephone me to tell me if you're coming or not. As has been said many times on this thread, WE ARE NOT MIND READERS!!!!! The concept of RSVP is there for a reason. Why is an RSVP icky? Just call and say, "Sorry I can't make it." There is that so hard? We aren't talking about drinks and deserts. We are talking party or BBQ. We need to know how much food and supplies to buy. Why is asking for a response so inconvenient? If we think enough of you to invite you, then you should have the common decency to respond so we know how many people to be prepared for. To repeat, we aren't mind readers.
This is a major pet peeve of mine, and my peevishness is the same whether they are close friends or distant hangers on. If I am inviting you to my home to eat my food and drink my wine, do me the favor of letting me know if you are coming. I think it's really rude.
Boy, this one is an issue for me.
I appreciate a response, and depending on how big a deal the party is, I am more or less flexible on how much I want a response.
If it's for my annual lobster shindig, I want an answer. If you don't respond by the requested date, then show up expecting a lobster, there won't be one for you.
I have adopted the "if I don't hear, that means NO policy.", but that doesn't mean I like it. People being generous enough to invite deserve the courtesy of a reply. We have email, text messages, phones, faxes, etc. So many ways to communicate make it even more horrible not to do so.
As I have stated in earlier posts, I have adapted the policy that "If I don't hear, that means no invitation next year."
One of the real issues I face with the non-RSVP'ers is that they are my friends. Usually it boils down to their individual personalities whether or not they reply or not. I think some people don't like to say "no," because in some weird way they think it's rude or they feel they have to have a good excuse as to why they can't come. Some are so technology-addicted that they only see what comes across their blackberries, etc. at that very moment, then they forget (sort of in-one-ear-and-out-the-other). Other people don't RSVP because they have no experience with entertaining (or are the type to call in for pizzas after their guests have arrived).
However, I don't think these personality quirks excuse them. I go through this frustration and disappointment every time I have a party -- often up to 1/3 of the invites don't ever respond, some of them show up, and some don't. I've had to get beyond spending the party stewing about who didn't show up, etc. I think if my friends knew the kind of disappointment and frustration the hosts really go through they would be more considerate. Not to mention the waste of all the food and drink.
IMO, it boils down to people either just not being considerate along with not being in the habit of entertaining.
RSVP -- everybody knows what this means, it's not hard! I'm just as busy as they are -- and I host parties on top of that.
To "Why should we have top chase after people for an RSVP? " -- For me, it's more about letting the person know that I would have liked a real answer. Lots of people these days don't really care if you rsvp, and if I reiterating my need to know, usually people get the idea and respond the next time.
I have occasionally had people who showed up who didn't RSVP and I always say something like, "Oh! I didn't expect to see you at all!" I still let them in, but again, I'm letting them know that I take the RSVPs at face value.
I also have to say in defense of the evite -- I agree that you have to know your audience, but most of my friends never have problems with their internet (I'm 28), and I don't think there's anything wrong with using it as long as you think through whether any invitees might be less comfortable - I have used evite but sent a few private emails/phone calls for those who might not already use evite, and I totally disagree that it's rude. It's just a matter of what you're used to, anyone who I would invite for dinner would definitely think me pretentious if I sent paper invites.
Paper invites may be a generational preference but pretentious?
UGH-- This is my biggest pet peeve-- actually what's worse is when potential guest don't RSVP and then bring a friend.
I usually assume if someone does not respond, they either have not received my invitation, or they are not coming. Which is why I will usually try to make some sort of contact with that person once I have gotten a majority of my RSVP's.
Also, written invitations are NOT pretentious! They are proper yes, but pretentious-- really? I have to say 90% of my invitations are done via Internet-- Be it a personal email, evite or facebook "events." But I have definitely sent out hand invitations before and if someone thought that was pretentious then they need to get a life. I am a creative person.. so if I am having an event that I would like people to take more seriously, like my boyfriends surprise party that I footed the dinner bill for 30 people or a themed party-- Like a Costume party-- then heck yes I am going to make some written invitations. Its fun for me and my friends can keep it as a reminder on their fridge. I usually only take the time for a written invite if I expect the occasion to be more "exclusive"-- by that I mean.. don't forward this to 5 of your friends to see if they are interested in coming too.
I agree with Pinkboa that most people who have never been in the host/ess position just don't get it. They don't understand how much work it takes to have a party that runs smoothly, feeds everyone and still leaves room for you to enjoy yourself as well. I am 23, so most of my friends have either hosted a kegger or nothing at all-- which is why I try to cover my bases with a phone call-- and If I still don't hear back-- then I take a hint and assume no.
Every year I host a "friends thanksgiving," and last year there were 2 particular people I called a few times to see if they were coming-- Never got a call back, email.. nothing.. and guess what.. they both showed up(late), and one brought a friend. Luckily I made an obscene amount of turkey, but I dont think they took into consideration the stress it caused me to have them show up unexpectedly. For one, since I wasn't expecting them I had just sat down to enjoy the meal I prepared all day long and was interrupted-- and 2 I had my apartment filled to the max and had no place for them to even sit.. so they just kind of hovered over people-- which I think is rude. I felt like it was a poor reflection on me as a hostess.. I know my guest probably didn't care, but I have high standards for myself and events I coordinate and wouldn't have invited randoms if I would have known they were coming.
RSVP people-- a simple yes or no is all it takes. I don't need the details of grandmas surgery-- I just need to know if I have to feed you or not.
It is too bad our society has become so casual that many can't appreciate niceties like paper, mailed invitations. Will our guests be so impressed that we use real plates and not paper? Will we serve our guests will real wine glasses? will they freak out when they see linen napkins?
I have a friend, who I thought was much more of a better friend than she is actually is turn down every invite for one reason or another several times...yet goes on about how she has friends over for dinner and how many friends she has and how she never has time for her, cause some many people want her time:( UGH...
After awhile I seen the bigger pic here, she is a phoney and she is big naraccist who wants everyone to think she is so in and sough after when that is not really the case..she goes to great lengths to put on airs and the people she invites are rather well off and have social connections...
Actually she did me a favor by never getting back to me and ditching me...I now see her at weekly meetings that we both attend but I do not go out of my to be there or to call anymore...I have other friends who actually repsond to me and are not concerned bout who is who...
Phony friends..who needs them?