10 Ways to Smuggle Booze into Events

1. The WineRack. Soft flasks hidden in a bra seem like an incredibly uncomfortable idea. A nozzle discreetly attaches on the side and then, we guess, dangles down under your shirt—unless you’re wearing just the bra like the model on the website, and then it’s not that stealth anymore.

2. The Hammer Flask. A combo bottle opener, ice crusher, flask, and—as the website brags—functional hammer. Let’s get hammered!

3. Dear Diary Flask. Book safes made from hollowed-out pages are the stuff of spy movie legend. But the manufacturers of this one have screwed it up with a suspiciously innocent bunny rabbit diary motif.

4. The Beerbelly. It’s hard to decide if this is more or less gross than the WineRack. You fill the “belly” with 80 ounces of drink and wear it under your shirt like a sling. Seems like your stomach would make whatever beverage you put in there really hot and nasty.

5. Stadium Sippin’ Seat. This cushion houses a floppy flask with a drinking tube attached to the side. At least this item is somewhat practical, but we’d still rather buy a nice cold beer from a vendor than drink something we’ve sat on all day.

6. Crystal Swarovski Phone Flask. A hundred bucks gets you a bling-encrusted “cell phone” that’s really a six-ounce flask. Too bad Valentine’s Day has come and gone.

7. Sneaky Shorts. You’re supposed to wear these flexible flasks under your regular shorts and hang the dispensing tube out the bottom. The blurb claims that the “patent pending ‘Stay Thin’ technology ensures that the shorts do not bulge when filled with liquid,” but this seems dubious. Also, if you’re caught by security, you may have to claim to be drinking your own urine—and it’s not going to be pretty if the flasks leak.

8. Reef Dram Sandal. Dude, these sandals totally house a microflask in the footbed, bro. They are also poorly reviewed on Amazon due to their limited capacity and a tendency to leak. Perhaps Reef should stick to opening beers.

9. Deluxe Electronic Golf Club Kooler Caddie. Slip the insulated cooler into your golf bag, attach the “golf club” dispenser to the top, and you can have cold refreshments at the push of a button. It’s unlikely to improve your game, but it might make it more enjoyable.

10. Pewter Binocular Flask. You’d think at nearly 70 bucks that these shiny pewter binoculars that hold booze in the eyepieces would double as real binoculars. But they don’t.