stories:
Table Manners
 |
Wait, Lemme Google It!The dreaded iPhone faux pas |
Dear Helena,
I am obsessed with my iPhone and cannot stop fondling it. I use it to Google stuff during conversation. Or, since I’m food-obsessed and many of my friends are too, I pull it out and show them food pics, like the weird unidentifiable vegetable that came in my organic produce delivery. But this behavior has gotten mixed responses. Some people are OK with it, but one friend was like, “Why can’t you put that thing away?” What’s the etiquette for using your iPhone during conversation? Is it rude to use it, or are my friends just jealous? —Early Adopter
Dear Early Adopter,
These days, only a Luddite would ban iPhones from conversation. The reality is that in the near future we’ll probably all have some sort of web-enabled smartphone, and Google will be a regular guest at the dinner table. But, like Twittering, texting, or answering your cell phone at dinner, it’s not OK to be glued to any gadget in a social situation. Since all this technology is relatively new, owners can get overexcited about a device and become a little boring. It’s like how some people get when they have a baby.
So when does an iPhone enhance socializing and when does it detract from it?
It’s a great tool for looking up discrete facts. Justin Leavitt, a lawyer in LA and a compulsive iPhone user, says he turns to his when “people get stuck on a factoid or quick snippet of information.” For instance, you’re trying to remember the name of a movie star, work out the origin of a word or phrase, or identify a song that is being played, and you pay a quick visit to IMDb, Wikipedia, or Last.fm. Rather than stifle conversation, you eliminate the 10 minutes you and your friends would otherwise have spent saying, “God, it’s on the tip of my tongue.” But you should abandon the hunt if it proves complicated; it’s boring for your friends to watch while you plug different search terms into Google.
Don’t use your iPhone for any activity that requires your friends to huddle around it. The device isn’t designed for group viewing, and your friends want to hang out with you, not with your phone. So refrain from pulling up Joaquin Phoenix’s appearance on Letterman.
Also, you should not use your smartphone to send email when you’re hanging out with friends. This may seem like an obvious faux pas, but in some situations, people think it’s OK. For instance, I was having drinks with friends a few months ago, and an absent friend came up in conversation. One guy whipped his iPhone out and started tapping out an email saying, “We all wish you were here.” I wanted to tap his shoulder and say, “We wish you were here.”
I’ve noticed that iPhone devotees will even send email to people who are present, so they can share links before they forget. Why not just make a mental note or scribble on the back of your hand? Don’t waste precious minutes of quality time with your friends.
Finally, don’t use your iPhone to win an argument. It’s not good sportsmanship, and it’s boring for your friends to listen while you read out statistics or facts that prove your point. It’s like using one during a pub trivia quiz: You might be victorious, but you’re missing half the fun.
I find the best thing to do is simply ask. Not in a heavy, permission seeking sort of way, but just in a light-hearted "Is that going to torment us all until I google it?" sort of way.
Then, if people seem semi-enthusiastic about having it looked up, you look it up. If they'd rather you didn't whip out your smartphone, they'll say 'nah, it's okay, it'll come to me later'.
>>> These days, only a Luddite would ban iPhones from conversation.
And yet, there are many places that request any phone be turned off. It shows a lack of respect for your companions and the others around you. Anyone who must be glued to an iphone like that has a problem.
IMO, Google will never be a welcome guest at the dinner table of anyone who values the company of their companions anymore than a television is a welcome guest at a dinner table. Of course, many dive restuarants and bars do have televisions. It is a matter of class.
I agree with Jaquilynne, that if you really need info, you ask and let the response determine if the iphone gets used ... briefly.
Otherwise it shows a certain self-importance and self-centeredness. When you are with people, be with them. Otherwise don't bother showing up.
I'm sick of people using smartphones during inappropriate moments, including most conversations. I love technology too, but it doesn't replace conversion or attentive driving. Also the smartphone needs to be holstered during meetings (especially if you are running them). I'm not Miss Manners btu I like not having to say everything twice to these ADD-enabled individuals. Give it a rest people!
" or are my friends just jealous?"
Yeah that's it, your friends are jealous of a phone that costs a couple hundred of dollars. What is it like on your planet?
Ugh, no. Put the thing down for a cotton-picking minute. Some people desperately need to unplug. If you think it's rude, it probably is.
I actually agree with the answer for this one. I don't have a problem with someone looking up some info relevant to the discussion, as long as it is quick. It's no different than the situation that has come up many times for my friends and me at dinners at someone's house, where we are talking about something and want a little bit of info and on goes the computer.
In situations like this, it doesn't detract from the conversation, it adds to it.
it's one thing when SOMEONE ELSE says "can't someone just google it" and another when you are out with someone who spends the whole time texting other friends, arranging their schedule for the next month, or decides to play on line games rather than participate in the here and now.
You know, in various developmental psychology classes, we learned about the various complex systems through which a human being can perceive how their own actions are being received by and affecting those around them, and tailor their actions to various situations based on these perceptions - the politeness mechanism, as one professor liked to call it.
Sometimes, these questions almost make me doubt any such mechanism exists.
You know darn well somebody in your group has a smart phone, so if you're that guy, WAIT UNTIL SOMEBODY PROMPTS YOU TO LOOK SOMETHING UP before you do it.
I remember some 15-18 years back, I was out to dinner with a bunch of friends, and everybody else brought out their cell phones (which I didn't have yet) and called the guy across the table from them, which given how new cell phones were at the time was pretty damn funny and all that, but when somebody dropped something on the floor and I pulled a flashlight out of my purse, they all made fun of me! The nerve...
And yeah, what danieljdwyer said, in general.
Wait a minute, has Twitter not exploded as a form of 24/7 communication? Google is a dinosaur compared to what's happening on the latest handheld gadgets.
If we are to believe trends, Twitter and all its followers are just scratching the surface.
"Why not just make a mental note or scribble on the back of your hand?"
Actually, this is the ONLY reason I think a smartphone should be used in conversation - to record a phone number or email address, or to use it like a notepad (i.e. sending information via email instead of jotting it down and giving it to someone). Less paper = saves the planet.
Let me ask Helena a question - is it OK for children to play on their hand-held video game or watch a portable DVD player during a social outing? Blackberries and iPhones are the same thing. You bring up some valid points, but the first sentence of your reply sets the tone of the response. Plus, did you think that by using "Luddite" instead of "Amish" it would be PC?
Additionally, I own a Blackberry. It doesn't get taken out during social outings unless I'm taking a photo.
Twittering etiquette is soooo last year ;)
http://www.chow.com/stories/10910?tag...
lol pollymerase, it's exploded since last year...when only tweens would tweet; now every buisness under the sun has a Twitter account.
I had (HAD) a friend that I'd often go out with. No matter where we were, including the dinner table, she couldn't stop texting or even answering calls. I usually paid because I was in a better financial situation and would often do the inviting. I felt used and bothered afterwards, like she would rather be elsewhere or other people are more important and she's just here for the free meal. That kind of selfishness lead to the end of our friendship. It's just not okay to spend the evening on your phone, unless you want to send the message that you don't care about your company.
Okay, as of last nights news report surgeons are using Twitter DURING surgery. One doc performs the surgery while the other highly paid med professional hits the keyboard! Good lord. Where do you suppose this will lead. Do hospitals charge a Twitter fee?
(shaking head in disbelief)
It seems that a lot of people use their iphone/PDA as a barrier in face-to-face interaction. Perhaps one day these Iphone addicts will be relegated to the social status of "virtual cat ladies."
I think the line "Is it rude to use it, or are my friends just jealous?" says it all. The writer sees the iPhone as something that is worthy of envy and is showing off and the friends are acting accordingly.
How self-centered is it to not understand that everyone does not share your material concerns and values? Yes, some people don't care about iPhones. Personally, I don't own any cell phone whatsoever because I think that some boundaries are worth keeping in place.
P.S. (to bakinggirl regarding "Plus, did you think that by using "Luddite" instead of "Amish" it would be PC?"): Luddites and the Amish reject technology for different reasons and at different levels. They are not interchangeable terms, particularly since the Amish do not reject technology if it doesn't connect their culture to the outside world. Their main point is avoiding contamination. The Luddites rejected mechanization because it caused them to lose jobs. "Luddite" is the more appropriate term since this is situational rejection of technology for a particular purpose rather than an attempt at isolation from others by eschewing technology.
orchid, I don't agree with you re: Amish, in part because that term covers several groups of people with varying beliefs and practices. Some of them avoid zippers, which would connect one side of their fly to the other, but have very little to do with 'the outside world'. On the other hand, it is not unusual at all to see Amish or Mennonites shopping at Krogers, driving down state-govt-maintainted roads, or opening stores to sell to people from outside their community--all ways of connecting with the rest of the world. Your explanation of Luddites is also an oversimplification.
On the original topic: Helena, you're on the mark right down to the part about not using the best method available to take notes. When I get a new email address or website, the first thing I do when I can get to a computer is type it in, even if the message I send says nothing more than 'just want to stay in touch'. If I'm speaking to someone who has mobile communications technology at hand, I would think they weren't serious about wanting the info I gave them if they didn't type it in.
I make a habit of putting the phone on quiet during times when I have invited guests over for drinks or a meal. The people who do come over do the same (without my prompting) because we want to spend some hard found time together talking. My friends that have kids keep their phones on vibrate in case there is an emergency but none of us twitter or google unless we want the answer to a burning question...like what, exactly is in a particular cocktail.
In any informal situation, I have no problem with smart phones. The etiquette breaks down like this: if the smart phone can be used to facilitate the flow of conversation, then use it. If the search will cause one person to drop out of conversation and the others to move on, don't use it. One friend will go on 10 minute wikipedia odysseys and then interrupt the conversation to tell us what he learned, and is then miffed if the current topic is more interesting than the results of his wikipedia research.
Wow, you guys pretty much all think like me. Where are you when I'm looking for respectful, reasonable people with whom to share a meal?
A funny story: I was hanging out with a friend at Borders, of all places, and we were chatting in the Borders cafe. She was all concerned that our talk was bothering the people who were working on their laptops, even though our voices were at a more-than-reasonable volume and no one seemed upset. Then her phone rang and her voice went up about 10 decibels. So much for the people she was hoping not to disturb.
It's not the technology, though. It's the rude people. Back in the Stone Age they were probably interrupting their dinner companions to scribble hieroglyphics on walls.
thank you for addressing this problem! I can not stand it when people talk, email, google, and text on their phones!! What ever happened to spending time with the people in front of you without being in constant contact with everyone else? I often long for the times where you would go out and when you got home there would be a red blinking light holding all of your messages....