stories:
Table Manners
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Unemployment BenefitsShould you pick up the tab for jobless friends? |
Dear Helena,
Three of my close friends have lost their jobs recently, but mine is secure. When I have drinks or dinner with my buddies who just got laid off, I always offer to pick up the check. One of them refused and said, “Look, I may be out of a job, but I’m no charity case.” Did I commit a faux pas? —Gainfully Employed
Dear Gainfully Employed,
You did the right thing. When a friend gets the ax, you should indeed treat him the next time you meet. Most people won’t find this gesture patronizing. In a casual survey of my newly unemployed acquaintances, all but one said they would like to be treated.
But there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it. First, invite him to an inexpensive or midrange restaurant rather than Le Bernardin. It’s one thing to let you buy him sushi or a sandwich, but even if you’re loaded, he might feel uncomfortable letting you treat him to the chef’s tasting menu. Plus, if you choose somewhere your friend can afford, he has the option of paying his share if he really wants to.
When the check comes, don’t throw down your platinum AmEx with a flourish. Instead, says Doug Wilkinson*, a journalist in Minneapolis who recently lost his job: “[D]ownplay it. Don’t make any reference to their situation or call attention to it. Just be like: ‘Hey, my treat tonight.’”
If your friend demurs, Wilkinson suggests inserting an “optional non-job-related justification … such as, ‘You paid for me six months ago.’” This approach, says Wilkinson, is “kind of a fig leaf … I’ll know you’re taking me out because I’m poor on some level, but having another reason proffered makes me more comfortable about taking it.” The reason you give need not be financial. For example: “I owe you since you listened to me complain about my snowboarding injury all night.”
While I’m on the topic of unemployment etiquette, here are a couple of other tips. First, when you get together, be sure to tell your friend you’re sorry he lost his job. That might seem obvious, but people sometimes forget to say these basic things. Ask: “How are you doing?” But ask it in a meaningful tone, so your friend understands you’re not just asking as a social nicety. Then let your friend guide you as to how much he wants to talk about it. He might want to launch into a tearful tirade, or prefer not to discuss it at all, in which case you should not press him for details.
Also, if you’re financially secure, be sensitive about rubbing it in your friend’s face. I was in a career slump once and confided to a friend over beers. Later in our conversation, she started talking about the new floor she was putting in her house. Since I was worrying about paying the rent, I wasn’t in the mood for discussing the problems of selecting the right architect. Even if your friend is getting a free lunch, it may stick in his throat if he has to listen to you talk about your upcoming Caribbean vacation.
Ultimately, if you really want to cheer up a friend who has been laid off, instead of picking up the tab, invite him over. In times of hardship, a simple plate of spaghetti fixed by someone who cares is far more sustaining than any dinner out.
∗This name has been changed at his request.
What's up with the random tagging? Do we really need links to show us other places where the words "six+months" were used?
Good advice here. I like the idea of just saying "my treat tonight." I liked the example about the new floor too. It was in a different context but I was surprised how much a carelessly insensitive comment by a good friend hurt recently. No one likes being kicked when they are down. Cooking for someone who is going through hard times is a real act of love and caring, and if he or she is the type who insists on reciprocating, it is easy enough to return the favor.
I just offer to cook dinner for them...if they ask if they can bring something I let them pick up something cheap like some beer (I surf in that crowd more than the wine waters).
Too bad I just got laid off two weeks ago...but it may be a blessing in disguise. I just got a offer for $13 more a hour than I was making. So this may of just ended up being a few weeks long crappy vacation.
They are grownups, they can pay for themselves. If they can't afford to go out to eat, maybe they shouldn't.
I've been treated by my friends when I was out of work, and I've treated them when the situation was reversed. No problem, we're friends.
What I find more awkward is economic mismatch among the gainfully employed. I have a group of friends I've known for almost 30 years. When we met none of us had much money, now a few of us are quite well off while others are making little more than they did back then. If we go to a decent restaurant I feel bad asking them to spend so much, but if I offer to treat them it feels insulting. My solution, as with others above, is to have them over to dinner, then they can just bring a decent inexpensive bottle of wine and everyone's happy.
I say have the friend over your house and cook something simple and tasty
I agree with Sparkina (so nice she said it 4x's, lol) have friends over and cook together. I have friends who will pick up a few tasty ingredients and we make a super dinner salad to enjoy together with wine on the back porch. These get togethers, thru good times & bad keep our friendship connected in a very supportive way too. Sometimes, not being able to afford a fancy meal, includes the discomfort of being in a restaurant setting. One friend recently mentioned what a "tease" a restaurant can be when you can't afford to look at the menu. In order to be supportive, I've encouraged home cooked meals or a meal created together as a casual approach to enjoying a dinner with friends during economic hardship. Good luck to those job hunting!
I say have the friend over your house and cook something simple and tasty. :-P
Good column, Helena. I've been on both sides. Sometimes you just treat friends and sometimes they treat you. It's just how things go. Also the other advice you gave is sound reasoning and sometimes people need a reminder, "don't bring up x-topic" as it might not be what your friend who is in trouble wants to hear.
There's a reason she said it four times: http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/594720
Personally, if I had been laid off, I'd want to be invited to a nice restaurant & treated. There! I said it!
I have treated friends who I knew couldn't pay hundreds of times.
So what? It's not like you're paying their rent. It's a meal.
And sometimes when you're on the low end, you need a bit of luxury to help you rise up. Just my experience.
Now, not that there's anything wrong with cooking a meal at the house, just going out is nice too.
I've treated friends (and family) who were less gainfully employed, and sometimes when the tables were turned, they took care of me. It's not a big deal.
Cooking for friends remains a great way to save money and avoid potential "charity case" offences, but people who take it the wrong way are silly. It's similar to convincing a friend to let you stay with them (in their tiny apartment) during a visit, with the offer to take them out at least once per day--the cost of a room (decent or not, depending on the city); seriously, I'd rather crash on a friend's couch (or floor) and have a better meal than pay for a room if I can avoid it. A holdover from my university days it appears...
I forgot to mention the "off topic" things...having been to dinners with some gainfully employed and others barely scraping by, there are the occasional braggarts who boast about how much they pay in taxes. One would think these people were born in a barn. I take that back--even those born in a barn usually have better manners.
I have a friend that was laid off last September. We've done things in the interim, but when I'm going to treat her, I tell her so before we go to the restaurant. She's a responsible adult and if she couldn't swing going out to dinner financially, she would say so. Same thing when the tables were reversed and I was strapped. I suggested staying in and cooking instead of going out.
The point is that some people are proud and will refuse any "help" - whether it be a check to cover their rent or a meal out on the town. But, you should know your friend well enough to know that fact.
I say you tell them before you get to the restaurant that you want to treat them tonight, that way, they can not only enjoy themselves and the meal, they won't have to worry about how they're going to pay for this and/or where they're going to have to cut back in order to cover this "extravagance." I don't see why this is such an "issue" where we need to have a discussion about it.
I don't mind treating a unemployed friend the first go. I just don't want it to be an expectation that I pick up the tab all the time because I'm employed. I think that would be unfair since I'm not my friend's welfare employment insurance.
Secondly, anyone who's unemployed and eating out at a resturant constantly should smack themselves. It's always more economical to have a meal at home, your own or at a friends. So because one is unemployed doesn't mean that one still can't be social and entertain in a home setting. I agree with everyone else that entertaining at home is better for everyone. It puts less pressure on the unemployed friend because they know they can return the favour by have you over too. It doesn't create that have and have-not gap which may or may not cause strain in the friendship.
@MattInNJ in response to "They are grownups, they can pay for themselves. If they can't afford to go out to eat, maybe they shouldn't."
Obviously you have not been laid-off recently. Even when you are laid-off there is the desire to continue on like you used to (scaled back of course) so why shouldn't one have a little fun in an otherwise nervous time. I was recently laid off and my friends often bought drinks when we went out... now the tables are turned and I am happy to have friends who were so kind to me that now I get to repay the favors a little bit!
When friends are down nothing can be better than a little happiness! Absolutely pick up the tab - reassure them - be positive. Life is short! What is a dinner or two amongst friends?!?!
Regarding off-topics...
My friend just bought a house in November. It needed a total rehab. I'm sort of out of a job. When we get together, I LOVE to hear what she has done to the house! She has worked hard and waited a long time for this. I get joy out of her excitement!
I was recently unemployed for more than a year, and it CAN take a toll on your self-esteem as we as your finances. If someone invited me to dinner at a place I thought was overpriced or out of my range, I probably would have decilned with "another engagement". Otherwise I would offer to pay my share, but gracefully acquiesce if my invitor wanted to pick up the check, and tell them that "next time its on me." To protest that "Im not a chairlty case" is tacky.
And if finances don't allow you to do certain things, don't say "Im broke" ... the phrase is "well, my resources are limited at the moment....."
I have many unemployed friends -- we're all in media, it's inevitable -- and most have stopped going out to restaurants. But I like the occasional cheap meal out, so I sometimes invite them out for food, since it means I get good company.
If they offer to pay out of pride, fine, but they shouldn't feel they have to: I'm inviting. Luckily, all the places I like have entrées under $10.
Still, as others have mentioned, it shouldn't be expected that the employed foot the bill. If you're asking me to dinner, you should pay your half.
I think there is a fine line. Several years ago I had returned from working abroad and was still looking for work in the states. My friends set up a bachelorette party that would probably end up costing $100+ when the night was over. I explained my financial situation and one friend accused me of being selfish for suggesting we might try a cheaper restaurant or having food at the event itself (which might have had free food).
I don't expect to be a charity case, but I don't think it's too much to ask that friends take into account everyone's financial situations and plan accordingly. I am sure the bride wouldn't have thought less of her friends for a $30-50 evening instead of a $100 evening.
I never allow my unemployed friend to pay for anything when I am with her.
I like Cheflambo's suggestion of saying "next time it's on me." It's graceful and optimistic (hey--next time you just might have the money). I have a friend who makes, easily, 5x what I make and she often picks up the tab when we go somewhere fancy. Then I reciprocate when we're somewhere less expensive. We both feel like we get to be generous, but I don't have to break the bank.
But here's the thing: We've never actually spoken about the arrangement. This works for us. Obviously we both know what's going on, but I just say "thanks! I'll get it next time" and then I pick the next restaurant.
Incidentally, in Germany they have a handy way of dealing with this: if someone says "I'd like to invite you to lunch" it means they're paying. End of story.
Yeah, and in Germany, you're expected to invite everyone to your birthday. Ha. I definitely like the American way better in this particular case :-D
I would feel awkward having someone offer to pay for my meal on that basis.
If you want to pay for someone's meal, the best way to do so is to just buttonhole your waiter when you go to the restroom, have them run the card, and have the check never even hit the table.
It's the best policy when out to a business meal, or a date, or with a friend you want to cover without having to go into a long discussion over it. There's a very pleasant feeling to finishing your meal, and just suggesting that you get up and leave... it feels like a magical moment for the person who isn't paying.
What's wrong with saying "I'm broke" if you're broke? Do I have to use newspeak amongst friends? I don't get why you'd be shouting dinner for someone you don't even know well enough for them to openly say "yeah, I'm broke this week. thanks for dinner".
And do I need to tip toe around you and pretend I'm not getting new floors? It's pretty condescending to assume that my friend's unemployment has made her such a delicate basket case that she wouldn't bear to hear that the rest of the world has not stopped spending money in honour of her recent job loss. Hello?!! Might have to move to Nauru or womewhere if it's too upsetting to see and hear about others who are still buying stuff...
should one offer? only if you feel like it, but if I (on the disadvantaged end) suggest a good yet budget friendly place, don't shoot it down just because it's not getting press. if you do treat me, my reciprocation may be a home cooked meal and I'm not talking just a casserole. but for me there's no tip, tax and labor included in the price - hey, time I have. making dinner may be my fun and splurge for the month and if I really go all out, I'll have leftovers for a week.
the 'I'm no charity case' comment tells me it's still a fresh cut for the friend, although a 'thanks really, but it's important I hold up my end' sort of response would have been smoother.
and yes tell me about the floors and trips, that way I can live vicariously and think about what I might do when things are better rather than the 'Thank you, but...' e-mails that come back 2 months later, if at all.
to clarify: the 2 month response lag time was referring to the submitted resumes that one obsesses over in this situation.
I agree with hillsbilly on the whole, "I'm broke" thing and talking about your life.
I have a close friend whom I've always had less money than. If I can't do a certain place I'll tell her I'm broke and we do some place less expensive. If she absolutely must eat at the more expensive place, she'll offer to pay. I'm interested in her life, that's why we're friends. If she can't tell me about her expensive new pair of shoes just because I can't go out and buy a pair, that's silly. It's not a competition, you know.
If I'm being invited out by a group of acquaintances, whom I may not want to tell I'm broke, I'll just pass and tell them to give me a call next time.
I also agree that if people can't afford to go out, they need to reevaluate whether that should be a priority in their life. People tend to go out because it's easy. There are so many alternatives (like staying in, as we've already discussed). Part of being an adult is knowing how to handle with not getting what you want. I like going out as much as the next person, but people need to look at their financial situation and pick fun things that don't break their bank, even though it may not be what they want the most.
I agree with hillsbilly on the whole, "I'm broke" thing and talking about your life.
I have a close friend whom I've always had less money than. If I can't do a certain place I'll tell her I'm broke and we do some place less expensive. If she absolutely must eat at the more expensive place, she'll offer to pay. I'm interested in her life, that's why we're friends. If she can't tell me about her expensive new pair of shoes just because I can't go out and buy a pair, that's silly. It's not a competition, you know.
If I'm being invited out by a group of acquaintances, whom I may not want to tell I'm broke, I'll just pass and tell them to give me a call next time.
I also agree that if people can't afford to go out, they need to reevaluate whether that should be a priority in their life. People tend to go out because it's easy. There are so many alternatives (like staying in, as we've already discussed). Part of being an adult is knowing how to handle with not getting what you want. I like going out as much as the next person, but people need to look at their financial situation and pick fun things that don't break their bank, even though it may not be what they want the most.
Well, mentioning that you're between jobs, rather than whining about "I'm broke" are two very different things. I was brought up with the notion that money matters are NEVER openly discussed, and your friend's financial situations are none of your business unless they make it so. I am most sympathetic to the unemployed (as I have MUCH experience there) but I'd rather hear "my resources are limited" than an endless litany of how you cant have this and you cant have that, and it all costs so much yadda yadda.......
I agree with hillsbilly. Though there are a lot of good ideas in this column and thread, I completely disagree with everyone implying that a little dishonesty is going to help. Although I do believe in social graces in general, anyone whose food I'd be buying for them when they're out of work or vice versa would be a close friend, with whom I could be totally honest and would desire that they be honest. I have certainly said to friends "I really want to go to a specific place, I know it's expensive, and I will pay for you if you will come with me," and I have allowed others to do the same, and I don't think it's a big deal.
As far as the bit about talking about your new floors or vacation - I have my own feeling about this -- I think it's fine to talk about what's going on in your life and expect an unemployed friend to be happy for you, but I do think it's unfair to *complain* about those things. Saying "I'm going to the Caribbean and I can't wait!" is ok, saying "I can't believe this idiot contractor is taking SO long putting in my new hard wood floor!" is unnecessary. But that's not only because they're out of work, that's because complaining about good things in your life just shows lack of perspective and should always be minimized.
Yeah I would volunteer to cook for them too. I may even pick them up along the way and enjoy dinner and a movie at my house. Picking up the tag would go so far and last so long in my books LOL.
I don't know if I agree about the idea of having the employed friend cook since they tend to be a lot busier. At the moment I am the one unemployed and have far more time to cook. I have friends that treat me out and I reciprocate by cooking for them at home a few times to the treat out since I have the time and it is cheaper for me to buy things and cook rather then treat them out for a meal.
My wife and I are retired, hence we are on a restricted budget. Our best friends still have one line of steady income and a very nice retirement from Mr. Friend's very hard earned and well deserved retirement income. There is a very large differential in available funds! However, my wife and I have a love of chinese cuisine, and we've invited our friends to a chinese buffet on a couple of occaisions, and WE paid the tab! They have graciously allowed us to do this without making a big deal of it. There is something to be said for allowing a friend to be a friend despite economic disparity. Pride? perhaps, more like gratitude and appreciation I'd think. Price of the meal? $35.00. Value of the friendship? Beyond estimation!
I only remember posting it once. My computer must have acted bizarr
I meant to say, I only remember posting it once. My computer must have acted bizarro