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Table Manners
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Should You Really Be Eating That?Influencing an overweight friend’s eating habits |
Dear Helena,
My friend is really unhealthy and overweight. She doesn’t work out EVER, and she loves really gross stuff like eating fudge frosting straight from the can. She’s only in her 30s, but the doctor told her she’s at risk for diabetes. I hate seeing her put that crap in her body, but I don’t know what to do about it. The doctor already told her to change her ways. I’m worried that if I start giving her diet advice too, she’ll only get mad. Should you intervene to improve a friend’s terrible eating habits? What’s the best way to do so? —Fear of Frosting
Dear Fear of Frosting,
You can’t tell your friends to lose weight, any more than you can tell them to get unsightly moles removed or stop dating slackers. Unless they ask for your advice, you must accept them as they are. The only exception is if your friend is seriously endangering herself or others—for instance, if she’s guzzling Ben & Jerry’s immediately after gastric bypass surgery. Otherwise, keep your diet tips to yourself.
Of course, it’s hard to stand by when a friend’s diet is compromising her health, as a recent Chowhound thread discusses. But Peggy Howell, public relations director of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, says that many overweight people are sick of their friends trying to help: “People are always trying to share their latest diet tips or pills they are on or program they heard about.”
It might be tempting to drop hints instead, but that’s not going to help either. Research shows that people need to be internally motivated, says Dr. Melina Jampolis, author of The No Time to Lose Diet. Deep-seated emotional issues may be driving your friend’s overeating, which means filling her fridge with broccoli via an organic produce box delivery “gift,” or trying to drag her on a hike next time you hang out together, won’t help her much.
If your friend broaches the topic of weight loss herself, then you can encourage her. Don’t focus on superficial benefits, like thin thighs—you’ll make her feel like a blob. Concentrate on the health benefits instead. “Focus on the positives of losing weight instead of the negatives of being overweight,” advises Jampolis. “For example, a 10 percent loss in body weight can really decrease your risk of diabetes and blood pressure.” You can also suggest she look for a support partner online if you think you’re going to wind up frustrated by being her de facto diet buddy. “There’s too much emotion and judgment with close friends,” says Jampolis. “That’s where the Internet works well from a weight-loss standpoint.”
Finally, it may cheer you to know that if you’re skinny, you might help your friend slim down without taking any action at all. Dining companions significantly influence our food choices. If you go to a restaurant and order healthily and moderately, you may inadvertently stop your friend from ordering the nachos platter and fried ice cream. Howard Rankin, author of The TOPS Way to Weight Loss, says: “I know people whose weight-loss technique has been to find their skinny friends and go and order what they are ordering.”
I can see the last strategy backfiring: "Anyway I can never be so skinny so I may as well eat what I want."
Conversely, I've been with skinny friends who eat like pigs (and safely can without putting on weight)...and you join in overindulging where you otherwise wouldn't have.
Agreed with adirao: I'm quite skinny and due to my metabolism, I must eat huge quantities of fairly fattening foods in order to keep my weight up. I'm definitely not a good influence on those around me :D... in fact, everyone I've dated for more than a few months has gained significant amounts of weight in the process!
I can relate to the initial poster: I have quite a few overweight and unhealthy friends subsist of terrible food. One friend of mine in particular, for example, eats almost nothing other than candy all day. He suffers from severe anxiety and very bad stomach pain, and I've told him that the high sugar and low nutritional content of his diet probably plays a significant role in worsening both, but he's not interested in changing, so I don't press the issue.
My pet peeve is people who complain constantly about their weight and let it really affect their self-esteem, but who engage in such unealthy behaviurs. Nothing wrong with being overweight, but I don't want to hear you whine about it while eating half a cherry pie and never doing any exercise. Despite the fact that it may not be particularly good manners to do so, with those types of people, I'm compelled to speak up and say something (along the lines of, "Either start trying to accept yourself or if that isn't feasible with your current weight, do something about it") for their own good and for the sake of my sanity.
Most every reasonably educated fat person knows when they eat unhealthily--it's no secret. We as a society are bombarded with nutritional information.
There's momentary pleasure (or at least a cessation of pain) during overeating, but afterward comes the guilt and shame, and somehow the process repeats soon afterward, over and over and over. It's addictive behavior, no different than that of an alcoholic or drug addict. Lots of overweight people feel trapped and helpless in their situation, so they see trying to escape it as useless.
For those of you with overweight friends, good on you. Keep being their friends. Accept them as they are. Include them in your life as you can.
+ When your friend wants to talk, listen. I mean really listen to what your friend says, not merely wait impatiently until you get your chance to speak. Ask questions when it's appropriate to do so. Above all, keep everything said in confidence and do not judge your friend.
+ Consider planning activities that don't involve food, or at least minimize food's presence/necessity. If you go out to eat, avoid fast food and pick a place where it's easy to eat healthily, or at least eat better. As a kindness to your friend, don't order foods that you wouldn't want your friend to eat. So go ahead and order the lean steak and green salad, When you're with thin friends or alone, then eat whatever you like.
+ Take your overweight friend's health level and size into account when planning an event. If your friend has difficulty walking or is easily tired, a hike in the hills is not such a good idea. Maybe flying a kite or playing Frisbee, instead? If you go to an amusement park, can your friend fit into any of the rides? If not, perhaps that park isn't the best choice.
+ Maximize activities you both like to do: Concerts, car shows, walking on the beach or in the woods, going to bookstores, movies, sports events, road trips, whatever. The object is to be with your friend in an environment comfortable for you both.
These tips don't mean you have to sacrifice your enjoyment for your friend's, nor do you have to make your social life revolve around his or hers. Love yourself first, then your friend. These tips mean seeing your friend as a fellow human, as someone with a couple of specific needs, and you making the same accomodation for your friend you'd make for a friend in a wheelchair, or who had a phobia or who was in addiction recovery.
Being overweight isn't moral failure, lack of character, or evidence of mental/emotional instability. Obesity has may different causes, most psychological but some physiological.
Lecturing your overweight friend, giving him diet- and health-related newspaper articles, making pointed comments about her eating or size--all toxic and counter-productive. If roles were reversed, would *you* want to be treated like a lab rat or an incompetent child?
I completely agree that the friend has to bring this up on if and when she wants to talk about it. I would take the focus on health approach a step father and say we should focus on the health improvements that come from diet and exercise rather than the health improvements that come from weight loss. Improving one's diet and exercise routine will likely lead to weight loss, but sometimes it just doesn't or the weight loss doesn't seem significant - even in these cases there are wonderful benefits to be gained from improved diet and exercise even when weight loss is elusive.
Most people who are overweight know it and don't want to hear yet another well-meaning lecture from family, friends, coworkers, etc. Like any addiction, if the person cannot admit to himself that he is overweight, then he is not ready to face the issue. Bring up the subject once as a "I am really concerned about your health" kind of thing rather than something superficial, like fitting into a pair of jeans or something.
There is usually an a-ha moment that has to happen before a person will take action. Of course, this applies to just about everything in life. We are creatures of habits--bad and good. You can't have those a-ha moments for someone. I like KenW.'s advice, but sometimes, it can be too painful to watch someone you care about hurting himself, in which case, you might have to end the relationship.
As someone who has lost a lot of weight myself (125 lbs) I can say that a person absolutely must hit rock bottom before they can work on changing an addiction, whether it's food, alcohol, drugs, whatever. In order to give up a food addiction, a person must realize their life is in danger or they find themselves disgusting and can't take it anymore. If your friend is eating like crap, she isn't ready to give up her addiction and deal with the things inside of her that are causing her to overeat. In general, it's safe to assume that a fat person isn't just some slob, but a person in emotional distress. They're eating away their feelings.
As a friend, it can be really hard to lower your expectations of someone you care about, but you have to do it or give up the friendship. Unless you're a psychologist, you probably can't help that much.
Seems to me that it would be OK to bring this up one time only, emphasizing the concerns in the OP--the friend's health. I don't mean you should lecture your friends; I agree with the folks who have already said that fat people probably already know when they are eating foods that are not healthy, that they might eating out of stress, that being fat is unhealthy and feels crappy, etc. so telling them those things isn't helpful.
What I do think might work (Azizeh or anyone else who's managed to loose a lot of weight, I'd love to hear if you agree) is to tell your friend that you see that they're struggling with this (or with the doc's comments) and that you want to know how to help. Then pay attention and try to do what they say. If they want you to holler "drop that tub NOW" then go ahead, but I bet it'll be more likely that if you suggest in that first conversation that you could help them talk through their emotions or remind them of something they've specified or go for a walk when they feel the urge to indulge, they might want you to do that. But if you've asked how you can help and they say to butt out or not worry about it, then your dilemma's solved--it's none of your beeswax.
Azizen - Congrats on the weight loss, and your presence here shows you didn't retreat in terror from good food by losing weight (like so many people seem to feel). I've lost 50 lbs. myself - I had been 'chubby' for most of my life, and of course I had been exposed to the health recommendations that come as a result of growing up in the U.S . of A., and the fact that my parents were (and still are) health-focused made the options to lead a healthy life quite obvious.
I had received subtle cues as I got older and my weight grew (do you REALLY need 3 cheese danishes? do you spend any time away from those video games?), and I didn't listen.
My "a-ha" moment was more a slow realization as I made the transfer to a healthier lifestyle, eating more produce/whole grains and no red meat/less added fats, and of course exercise.
So no, pressure doesn't work; it just makes the person feel the need to defend their behavior, followed by a sense of guilt. But it doesn't last long enough to work.
As someone who HAS lost the weight, seeing fat people makes me feel slightly angry - anything I can do, you can do, right? But I know I can't do anything - they will continue to be piggy couch potatoes until they decide to do something about it. Oh, and "fat acceptance"? Where's the "druggie acceptance", or "alcoholic acceptance", or "sex addicts acceptance"? Yes, our culture is putting lots of pressure on people to be thin, but that doesn't mean if we stop that cardiovascular disease, hypertension and diabetes will go away. This organization is just part of that 'defending' reaction to criticism of an overweight person's lifestyle.
Sorry for that last part - I just needed to get it off my chest. And if anyone feels the desire to criticize me for the "piggy couch potatoes" comment, just know that I've been that person, and I don't want to go back.
I would go so far as to say, snce this is the table MANNERS column, that no, you do not lecture or help your friends to eat less. Manners dictate that you keep a civil tongue in your head and not "educate" your friend who knows full well what they're eating, for better or worse.
If you don't want to see them overeat, don't eat with them. I can damn near guarantee that you have habits that person is dying to "help" you change, and I'm equally convinced that you don't want to hear "ol' fatty" lecturng you on anything. If you can't get past it, don't hang around with them. If you can't get ast their eating choices, the proble is at least inpart yours. Get over yourself. You're no oil painting, either.
Agree with EWSflash. Turn that unsparing critical eye on yourself, the only one you can really change.
"I can't help about the shape I'm in,
I can't sing, I ain't pretty and my legs are thin,
But don't ask me what I think of you,
I might not give the answer that you want me to..."
from "Oh Yeah", very very very early Fleetwood Mac song
I am assuming that the poster is an adult. Therefore, the friend must be an adult too, and as such, she has no desire to be lectured, scolded, or otherwise treated like an infant. My advice to the original poster would be to mind his or her own business and enjoy his or her friend's company as a human being without going all Richard Simmons on her
I still think that fat people need to shut up about us needing to accept them. "National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance" Sounds like whiny fat people to me. Smokers don't have a "National association to advance smoking acceptance", same with other addictions. Yes, there is a small amount of people that have legitimate glandular disorders, but for the most part, it's your fault that you're fat. But you don't scold your friends for any of their faults, you don't keep hounding them to quit smoking, or quit drinking, or shoveling food into their mouths, unless you feel that they are in immediate danger, and might cause you harm.
It might be helpful to say "Hey, wanna go work out/ ride a bike/jog/ etc. with me?"
On an issue like this, you really CANT tell another adult how to live their life, what to eat, what to wear, etc. unless they specifically ASK for that advice. People who are overweight KNOW that they are overweight -- society points it out to us on a daily basis. OP's friend is not going to change her eating habits because her friends make comments about it -- she'll just choose to eat alone, or with others who do NOT lecture on the topic. She may also have medical/emotional issues that keep her from losing the weight. And, as apprenticeGourmet has pointed out, someone who has successfully lost weight can either become even more judgemental of those who are heavy, or more sympathetic to how much of a struggle it is.
I have a SIL who lost a lot of weight on the "anti-carb" diet a few years ago, and was a zealous carbo-phobe during and after the process. (BTW, she has since gained most of this weight back). At Thanksgiving dinner she would critique my plate, and tell me, without asking, how many grams of carbs were in my roll, mashed potatoes, etc. It took every ounce of self-control I had not to flip a forkfull of stuffing across the table at her.
My suggestion to OP is to just love your friend the way she is, support her if she wants to make a weight-loss effort, but don't get into her face about it.
When I was first married, I would join my sister in-laws for lunch once a month. Every time we had a meal together, my "dear, dear sisters" would discuss the calories we were about to consume. It would drive my crazy and often ruin my enjoyment of THEIR company. None of us are overweight and we all work at keeping our weight in check BUT some of us are a bit more pre-occupied with discussing every crumb we place in our eager mouths. Needless to say, I don't get together for lunch with the girls nearly as often....the question of "should you really be eating that" is certainly reasonable to ask...BUT, ask it of yourself mentally...not of others out loud. Just enjoy the meal!
“I know people whose weight-loss technique has been to find their skinny friends and go and order what they are ordering.”
...and then they go home and eat a pint of ice cream before they go to bed. This advice is useless. Of course most overweight people don't want to look like slobs in front of their healthier friends.
Ooh, I got a bunch here, and some is unrelated! (See below)
Firstly, I think the general advice here has been right: Express concern AWAY FROM A MEAL about your friend's health. Offer help if it is wanted. And if the friend is a true glutton in public when you guys go out together and it makes you uncomfortable, be honest about that. Otherwise, be a friend and be there if help is sought.
As for NAAFA, I once had the surreal experience of walking into a hotel where they were having a convention. The front lobby looked, well, you can imagine. It was like entering a Fellini film set at SeaWorld by the back door. Sorry to offend, but that was my exact reaction. And no, I did not point fingers or sneer. I just got out of there because it did make me uncomfortable.
And now, COMPLETELY off topic regarding the off-handed "ugly mole" comment in Helena's commentary. I absolutely agree in theory with Helena. But, as someone who's mother had Melanoma (and lived -- she dealt with it in time) and then her situation influenced my uncle to check out a mole when my dad spotted it while uncle was dressing for his wedding (!) (uncle lived -- it was melanoma) and her cousin (he lived -- it was a different kind of skin cancer), I confess that I tend to check on my friend's moles unobtrusively visually, and speak up if I think there has been a change.
A dear friend of ours had Melanoma (she died -- she delayed going to the doctor to check out the mole that was acting up), and bizarrely enough a friend is just now being treated for melanoma in the eye.
So, yeah, I'm kind of a quiet friendly mole watcher. Even if it is a stranger's mole and I am very suspicious of the growth. A very interesting way to break the ice, yes? :-)
Let's hear it for good health to all afflicted.
Bratle -- you are a GOOD friend! I depend on Mr. Cheflambo to spot the moles I can't see .. those are the MOST dangerous! (Loved your description of the NAAFA conference, btw -- just what I imagine it would be!)
I wouldn't want to go to a NAAFA conference either, although it would make me feel very thin! But they also have legitimate complaints about discrimination - people being passed over for jobs they are qualified for because of their weight, whe it has no bearing on their work performance.
I feel the same about smokers, as long as they refrain from lighting up on the job. It is none of your business.
With regards to comparing food addiction to other addictions (drugs, smoking, gambling, etc), imagine being a drug addict and trying to quit, but knowing that every day, you MUST take some of that drug in order to survive.
And to those who say that (glandular issues aside) it's your fault, stop whining, there are many overweight people who are battling emotional and psychological issues, often originating from childhood that are the cause of their overeating.
If your friend is trying to get you to eat food that you consider is not good for you, then you should stand up for yourself. Refuse it--not even a single bite!! If you and your friend are at a restaurant, make sure it is taken back. It's your health. YOU come first. If your friend cares about you, then she'll honor your wishes. Otherwise you'd ditch her, pronto!
Since you call this person a friend, maybe you should take a step back and decide if you are truly friends. I am overwieght myself, and grew up in a family with many overwieght people who were loving and accepting. All of my life the thin people I have come in contact with have been self centered and rude. Partly I am overweight due to my own choices, but also in some part because my family has a history of issues with weight. Could I choose to eat salad and water for every meal and be thin like you? Sure! I am sure that it would be possible to get to a better weight... but right now I have a lot of things to deal with and it is not a top priority for me. (All the thin people reading this just gasped and said "Lazy SLOB!" all at the same time)
No friend wants a lecture from someone who has not walked in their shoes. If you look past the weight and the choices, you will probably see a cause. If the person wants help, be supportive and stand by them -- if you are really a friend. Otherwise, move on for your sake as well as theirs! We'll all be happier in the long run!
"You can’t tell your friends to lose weight, any more than you can tell them to get unsightly moles removed or stop dating slackers. Unless they ask for your advice, you must accept them as they are." This says it all. Don't drop hints, don't offer advice, don't suggest that she order the vegetable plate. As most have pointed out, fat people know that they are fat. Really and truly. If your friend wants your advice, she'll ask for it. If you can't find something, ANYTHING, else to discuss than her flaws, then you are not a real friend.
If you do want to be her friend, then be her friend. Give her a book that she likely would not pick up on her own. And no, not a diet or exercise book, give her something that she'll enjoy reading, and discussing with you. Make sure that she knows about a convention or other activity that she'd be interested in. If it is likely to be physically active, that's good, but take into consideration her physical limitations, if any. For instance, I have congestive heart failure and cannot walk very fast or for any length of time. I do enjoy company when I go to an event, though, if that person is patient enough to be able to tolerate my limitations, I am more likely to get more exercise.
Don't put temptation in her way, either. Sometimes I will decide to make better food choices, but I don't announce this to anyone. Instead, I quietly order my chicken grilled, instead of fried, and I will order main dish salads, rather than the usual fare. However, if she mentions that she'd love some chocolate or some other high calorie treat for her birthday or whatever, then give her some. She is not only asking for the food, she is asking for your UNCONDITIONAL friendship. She is asking you to say that you like her, whether she's fat or not. You don't have to give her the biggest size, but giving her something that's not diet-friendly will tell her that you accept her as a grownup, capable of making her own choices.
As someone who is overweight, this thread of comments is both encouraging and dismaying.
I fully know my size. I see it in the mirror every single day and am acutely aware when people look at me with mild disgust. I even understand that reaction. Certainly, since they have never been in my place, they do not understand what I go through every day. So I cannot expect them to respect me or see beyond my bulk.
I am not this way because I am lazy and ignorant. I am, in fact, a very energetic, intelligent and highly-educated person. I am also strong-willed about everything in my life, with the exception of food.
It truly is a drug to me. If I do not eat something sweet in the evening, I suffer psychological withdrawal and emotional distress that is very hard to describe. When I sit down to a meal, if my plate doesn't look filled past what I can eat, I am nervous and anxious.
I am helpless to explain why I feel this way and even more helpless to understand why I cannot reverse this habit when I have such iron-clad control over everything else in my life.
I do know that I suffered severe depression for many years and, as a result, put myself in a situation where it is very difficult for me to exercise, which has done nothing but exascerbate my weight problem, but even now, when I have worked through a lot of my depression without the aid of conventional drugs, I still rely on food to get me through each day.
I do feel guilt and shame and a general sense of worthlessness and helplessness. It is a horrible feeling and one I would never choose for myself.
I wish I could encourage people to look past their knee-jerk reaction to fat people and try to get to know the person inside. Your respect and friendship could be exactly what I need to work through my food issues.
Just my two cents...