stories:
Table Manners
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I Made that Spam Pudding You Love!Can you undo a false food compliment? |
There’s no question from a reader this week. Instead, Helena will tackle a dilemma presented to her at a recent TV appearance.
When I was interviewed on The Rachael Ray Show in January, a studio audience member had this question for me: “The first time I went to my sister-in-law’s, she served banana cream pie, and I said I loved it … but I hate banana cream pie and now she makes it every time I am there and expects me to eat it. How do I tell her I was just being nice, and I don’t like banana cream pie?”
My answer: When someone cooks dinner for you, it’s not like going to a restaurant, where you can order exactly what you want and send it back if you don’t like it. A home-cooked dinner is a gift, which means you should act as if you love it, whether you do or not.
But you may not have to choke down banana cream pie for the rest of your life. Try focusing your sister-in-law’s attention on another dish, which you can do by using what I call “strategic praise.” Often when we thank someone for dinner we speak in general terms, calling the food “great” or “delicious.” Strategic praise is different because it’s very specific. That makes it more memorable, and if the cook remembers that you loved a particular dish, she’s more likely to make it again. For instance, if your sister-in-law makes a pumpkin pie, you might say: “The filling is so lush and creamy and you’ve added just the right amount of spice.” If you really want to drive your point home, send a thank-you email a day or two later: “Still dreaming of that amazing pie you made. I wouldn’t have thought it possible to top the banana cream pie, but I think this may be even better.”
As a side note, your “new favorite” doesn’t have to be dessert. As long as your sister-in-law’s need to please you is satisfied, it won’t matter whether she does it with pie or lasagne.
Until your new favorite has been established, you may still have to conquer another slice or two of banana cream pie. Here are some tips on how to swallow a food that disgusts you.
Don’t lie or hide. It’s tempting to excuse yourself by pleading fullness—”I had a huge burrito at lunch”—but that will disappoint your host. You might also think of hiding half the item in your napkin or shoving it onto your spouse’s plate when the cook’s back is turned. But if you’re caught it will be so embarrassing (not to mention hurtful) that it’s not worth the risk.
If you can’t eat it, distress it. If you leave the food in pristine condition, it will be obvious you took one look at it and rejected it outright. So once you’ve eaten all you can, break up the remains. That way, it looks like less food. Jeff Greenwald, author of several travel books, such as Shopping for Buddhas, has faced many unappetizing dishes around the world. He advises: “Spread it out on your plate so it’s of molecular thinness and your host can barely see it.”
Take tiny bites. A relative of mine whom I’ll call Aunt Millicent (I’ve mentioned her before) used to bring a traditional English fruitcake when she came to stay every Christmas. It was very heavy, literally. It felt like it weighed 10 pounds. None of us liked it. But she got so much satisfaction from bringing it that everyone polished off a big wedge. I learned that if you take tiny bites, you can swallow each morsel almost without tasting it. And often when people don’t like a food, what they object to is its texture. If you take small enough bites, you need not even chew.
Have a chaser handy. As if you were swallowing pills, have a drink ready to wash it down: a big glass of iced water, a cup of coffee, wine, beer, or whatever. If the host looks askance at your nibble-and-gulp routine, just say you’re taking your time eating because you want to savor every bite.
*grins* What I've found works really well for me is to just pretend to be a really bad liar. When someone makes something that is clearly distasteful, tell them you like it, but be really unconvincing about it. I've found that while yes, they feel horribly insecure about it, a part of them appreciates the effort and they're unlikely to bear a grudge towards you, and your message is quite clear (my responses to, "Are you sure it's okay?" are along the lines of, "Yes, it's good. Thank you," again, unconvincingly). Almost guaranteed that unless they're completely oblivious, you'll never have to eat it again.
Try saying - "I was very sick after eating banana cream pie at a recent outing - and i can't quite bring myself to eat it again." Everyone will identify with that feeling and you are off the hook.
Or, you know, just be honest in the first place, thus avoiding getting into these sort of messes. God forbid anyone deign to tell the truth anymore.
In terms of facing a dish that you don't particularly like: suck it up and eat it. Once a year fruitcake, your boss' wife's overcooked roast. There are worse hardships people face than chewing and swallowing food that is less than stellar.
Now the banana cream pie, on the other hand, may follow you for the rest of your (or her) life. Tell the truth. Why create an elaborate lie to a close family member? Tell her that although you like the crust, texture, presentation, something positive about this pie, the whole banana deal isn't your thing. But you should certainly follow this up with a sincere compliment about something you like that she cooked recently.
I like the idea of turning her attention elsewhere. When my sister kept making a cake that I hated, I thought of one that I actually liked and told her I saw someone make X cake on tv and was wondering if she thinks she could re-create it. I basically implied that if she couldn't do it, no one could. Of course it wasn't overly complicated, but she liked the compliment and the challenge and I got away from the cake I hated.
I've seen similar tips for people who are dieting. One thing that can work is to pretend to be full but ask for a slice to go--then pawn it off on someone who likes it. They still get the praise but you don't have to eat it and if its something plausibly good like banana cream pie it can go to yet another friend who will like it. So that's win win win.
i like the idea of being honest in the first place.........
Notice that the original question doesn't say the banana cream pie was bad - just that the person doesn't like banana cream pie apparently any version of it.. So, as others have said, why not tell the truth? "Thanks very much, but for some reason I just have never liked it." A true friend and a good host isn't going to force you to eat something you don't like. I have had parties and people have declined certain dishes - so what? As I said, people have their preferences.
I agree with just being honest, especially if it's just not suited to your tastebuds.
The other side of this is freeing the sister-in-law from expending the energy to make a banana cream pie for someone who just doesn't like that kind of pie. I make a pretty labor-intensive lemon mereguine pie for my dad's birthday every year. If I found out he didn't like it, I'd be happy to invest my time and energy into making something else that he did like, rather than continue to "slave" away making the pie he didn't prefer.
Sorry to bring up kids again, but this really reminds me of an exchange I overheard in my pre-parenting days between a mother and her 6 (or so) yr-old daughter. The child had just declined to eat something her aunt offered, saying she didn't like it. The mother reprimanded her sharply and pushed the girl into saying very sweetly, "well, it's not my favorite". The falseness of it boggled my mind. Perhaps I, in my 30s at the time, was still a babe in terms of understanding the world of insincerity.
I'm glad to say that I don't think this week's "politeness dilemma" is one I'm likely to have.
I agree that being honest up front is the best solution. But if I'd gotten myself tangled up in this kind of situation, I would probably talk frankly (and alone) with the person and tell them, you know, yours is the best banana cream pie I've ever had, but to be honest, banana cream pie is not my favorite dessert. This way you're accomplishing your goal of not having the pie again, but still paying a huge compliment to the pie baker.
I really like Azizeh's suggestion.
Although sometimes honesty is the best policy, but not after the lie is told perhaps, it should be done at the beginning, afterwards it causes a mess.
My Aunt when first married would make bisquick pancakes for my uncle after several years of marriage he told her he really disliked pancakes made from any sort of mix, especially bisquick. He has never been cooked a pancake again by her. In fact I think a pancake may have been thrown at him.
When first dating my fiance he would very sweetly try to cook for me. The first time he made mustard glazed lamb chops not knowing I hated lamb chops. His next attempt was good, but then he made me pot roast. I tried to eat it and ended up just picking at it and trying to look like I had eaten some. He noticed and asked and I very politely explained that my Mother's ex who deserted us used to make it all the time and I had an emotional aversion to eating it. I felt bad, but at least ten years later I won't get pot roast or lamb chops thrown at me, and I won't have to eat them for that long.
I must disagree with vorpal. Doing the "bad liar" is not only rude- twice the lie?- but it has the potential to turn on you in case the person you're lying to doesn't catch the subtlety of your act.
If somebody tried that with me I'd be deeply insulted and not terribly anxious to cook anything to please them again. But then, being lied to is a serious hot-button issue with me.
W C Fields once said that sometimes you just have to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. The "polite lie" was taken at face value, and the liar is suffering the consequences. She needs to take SIL aside and in the nicest way possible level with her. Done properly the damage will be minimized.
This is a good lesson in not letting a situation like this develop in the first place. Shoulda left it half-eaten, with the explanation "I appreciate that you went to a lot of trouble to make this, but I just don't care for bannana cream pie." Or something to that effect.
Whatever happened to "No, thank you."?
I know it may seem rude to turn down offered food, especially as a course in a meal, but if I didn't like the dessert, I would simply t say "No thank you". If pressed a second time I might reconsider just to be polite, but otherwise I'd say "Really, no thank you."
It is not clear to me how averse this person is to banana cream pie. For me, this type of pie is something I could eat once or twice, but if it started being an all-the-time thing I wouldn't be too happy. I'd probably say something like, "This time do you think maybe we could have a dessert made without bananas? I feel like I'm becoming a banana!" (Yes, I really do say stuff like that).
It's totally reasonable to just ask for a change of pace sometimes, isn't it? Without it being about not liking that item?
Honesty is the best policy. Come clean with the banana-cream pie maker as delicately as you can.
Here's a thought:
"Thank you so much for the effort. I really wish I liked banana creme pie, but it just isn't my favorite. May I help you with the dishes?"
I dare everyone to read this list of comments and not laugh. I am thinking about Maya Rudolph's character when SNL did a take on TSA training and "what was a liquid" and someone said what about the MUSTARD on the turkey on the sandwich. The instructor said "It's not a liquid" and MR said "it is if you like MUSTARD!"
Honesty *IS* the best policy. Serves you right for telling a bare-faced lie in the first place. Have the backbone to be an honest & genuine person AT ALL TIMES.
There are times for white lies, and there are times when you should just be honest. Raving about a dessert you don't even like is downright dishonest, not to forget disingenuous.
I'd like to give props to the several creative suggestions that were posted that will help a person out of this sticky situation they created for themselves.
*conjures Arnold voice from Commando*
Person 1 - Remember when I told you I loved (insert dish name here)
Person 2 - Yeah I remember that!
Person 1 - I lied!
ok so, I'm here to solve this problems.
you're welcome.
A) Etiquette isn't always about being honest.
(Do you think I'm fat?)
B) Strategic Praise can avoid your getting caught in a lie in the first place
(Dinner was fantastic, I especially loved the veggie phở and were those kumquats on the dengaku tofu? Delightful! Sorry if I didn't have much of the pie, I have never been a fan of banana-cream but where I love your cooking otherwise I had to try it! Again, the rest of the meal was wonderful, thank you so much.)
C) S.O.L.- you're caught up in this and being honest now means admitting to lying previously. If you are close enough to the host that your interactions aren't based entirely around her cooking you dinner (um, try inviting *her* over for a change?) you might feel comfortable enough to admit the lie as a means of 'good-faith' to try to ingratiate yourself to her (the end, used for justification). You can now use this camaraderie between you to extoll the virtues of her other dishes and thank her for creating a space where you felt comfortable to be honest with her about that past comment, as you care about being honest with her and also appreciate her cooking as a gesture of generosity toward you, and want to give her the sincere praise that she deserves.
but use more 'real human' language.
and ask for seconds of something else.
Suck it up and eat the pie. It's not like your in a gulag eating gruel. Christ on a stick.
PS. Anyone who tells the whole truth all the time without regard to context is an self-centered tool. Maybe they are making 3-year olds cry by disabusing them of the notion of Santa Claus while they take the moral high-road in regards to relatives' less than stellar desserts. A piece of mediocre pie is a small price to pay for sharing a relative's or friend's feelings. There is a loss of perspective in some of these answers.
Suck it up and eat the pie. It's not like your in a gulag eating gruel. Christ on a stick.
PS. Anyone who tells the whole truth all the time without regard to context is an self-centered tool. Maybe they are making 3-year olds cry by disabusing them of the notion of Santa Claus while they take the moral high-road in regards to relatives' less than stellar desserts. A piece of mediocre pie is a small price to pay for sharing a relative's or friend's feelings. There is a loss of perspective in some of these answers.