stories:
Table Manners
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I Want to Be AloneWhen solo diners aren’t looking for company |
Dear Helena,
I like to eat lunch at this place that is jammed with other office workers. The other day I went alone, and the server asked if she could sit another person with me at my two-top. I’m assuming as a solo diner I have the right to my own table. How can I politely tell the server that? If a place is seat-yourself, is it OK for me to tell a stranger I don’t want to share my table?
Also, when I eat alone at the bar, people are always trying to chat with me. It’s as if people assume I sat there because I wanted to make friends (even though usually I’m there because the restaurant didn’t want to waste a two-top on me). Is there a polite way to reject such overtures? Or do I have to smile and make nice? —Lone Ranger
Dear Lone Ranger,
Restaurants don’t ask parties of three or five to let a stranger take the empty seat at their table, and they should not expect parties of one to do so either. David Guggenheim, a server in Los Angeles with almost nine years of experience in the industry, says: “If I ever got caught [asking a solo diner to share a two-top], I would have been in a huge amount of trouble.” Asking you to share your table is like asking you to share your soup: It’s such an absurd request you need not explain your refusal. Just say, “Actually, I’d prefer to keep the table to myself.”
But if the person who asks to share is a fellow diner, it’s another matter. People only ask to share tables if a place is packed. So if you say no, the person will have to trudge around until he finds another seat, or else he’ll hover over you glowering, and ruin the rest of your lunch anyway. So treat him as you would like to be treated: Let him sit down.
If you’re seated at the bar (or at a chef’s counter), you’re not obliged to make small talk, any more than you have to talk to your seatmate on the subway or on a plane. A book or magazine is the best defense against unwanted overtures. (At a bar, there may not be enough room to unfold a newspaper.) Beth Whitman, author of Wanderlust and Lipstick: The Essential Guide for Women Traveling Solo, is experienced at warding off strangers’ advances. She suggests writing in a journal. Avoid eye contact. If your fellow diner plunges into conversation anyway, respond in as few words as possible.
At this point, most people get the hint. But occasionally, people are blind to social cues. They’re lonely, or drunk. Then you have to spell it out. Whatever you say, rejection will sting. But, as with breaking up with someone, you can minimize the damage by making it all about you. Say, “I’m really sorry, but I’ve had a long day and I’m not feeling very social.” Don’t try to soften the blow by saying, “You seem like a very nice person,” or words to that effect.
I sat next to someone on an airplane once who wouldn’t stop talking, even though I was wearing my headphones and reading a book. Every time he asked me a question, I answered in monosyllables, but he didn’t get the message. Eventually I said, “It’s nothing personal, but I’d really prefer not to talk.” However, I’ll always feel a little bad for the look of shock that appeared on his face. He didn’t utter a word for the rest of the flight.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
Good topic! One time while seated at the bar with a book AND no eye contact AND a perpetually full beer in front of me, people kept on trying to chat me up. They'd ask what I was reading, etc. I mean come on people how many more "do not talk to me sings" do I need to give out. I like Helen's line about "not being social". I do have to admit I'm usually the talker but I do try to check for "leave me alone sings" first.
I eat out alone often as well and I hate being treated like a second class table.
Really good topic, and good answer, too. Cheers to Helena. It's hard to have the guts to wax all Garbo even when one is perfectly within one's rights to do so.
Not only have I never been asked to share a table, I don't know anyone else who has either. As the server Guggenheim says, it's just not done. In one NYC Italian restaurant, I and several other people were dining alone at our own tables with a line out the door. Although the waiters were eager to turn the tables, they never asked anyone to share. Again, it's just not done.
a book is no defensive. I have tried too many times to read in restaurants--because I wanted to read, or had to get something read--only to be interrupted by people asking 'Watcha reading'. I often hold up the spine without making eye contact. That often leads to 'what do you have to read that for?!' This happens at parks too, when I MUST get something done, am taking the kiddo to the playground so I can have peace and quiet to read.
Oddly enough, working on a laptop (thus far) does not seem to 'invite' the same interruptions.
It's not just solo diners that get asked to share. Recently, at a very popular Chinese place in New York, my party of 5 was asked to share a (very large) table with another party of 4. The place was packed and we'd already waited half an hour, so we agreed. Not sure I would again though; given how noisy the place was already, it was nearly impossible to have a conversation with the five of us sitting around half of a circular table.
Am I the only one who would actually WELCOME a stranger at my table while dining solo? I can read my book or newspaper any time, but in certain travel situations, I would be more than happy to have someone new to chat with (who knows where it could go? A new business contact perhaps? Someone who can tell me more about the city Im visiting?). I appreciate the notion of having a few minutes to yourself (especially getting away from a chaotic office for a quiet lunch) and I always respect the privacy of the people I sit next to on a plane, etc. But if someone wants to chat, and I have the time and the interest, gee .... why not? I've made some interesting contacts by sheer accident in situations like this.
And on the table sharing issue .... just because someone has asked to sit at your table during the busy lunch rush, and you agree, you are not required by etiquette to converse with that person. But things will be a lot less uncomfortable if you just cover the pleasantries ("wow, this place sure gets busy at lunch") etc. I realize that there are a lot of people out there who are immune to the "leave me alone" cues, but if you just can't shake them off, I've found that a few well turned phrases can do the trick: "Im sorry, I dont mean to be rude, but I really MUST finish reading this, ok?"
I think if you're a solo diner at a packed lunch place during lunch you don't have the right to expect a table to yourself. It's not that hard to share one, you should have learned that sort of thing in grade school. Just smile, be polite, and if you don't want to talk, don't freaking talk!
share a roundtop? No way!
Lambo, of course there are times I'd like to chat. My problem is more with people not wanting to pick up on hints or to pay attention to very clear statements ('I really need to get this read' tends to lead to 'oh yeah, stress--I know how that is'). 'Just' covering the pleasantries is not something everyone has the time for. I don't want to be rude or make others uncomfortable, but I also see no reason why I should have to put up with rudeness or impositions on my time. I think the key differences are 'if I had the time and interest' and your assumption that one can read a book or newspaper any time. Feel free to converse all you want, but please make sure your conversation partner has the freedom (and desire) to chat as well.
I wonder if there's a gender diff going on here. Guessing from our screen names, I think everyone who's gone along with the assumption that strangers attempting to strike up a conversation can be a problem to deal with is female.
Chef Lambo, I'm with you. But then again, I generally like having conversations & meeting new people. I'm also from New Orleans where we talk to pretty much everyone & everywhere.
It's a very normal thing to do here.
I realize that's not the case everywhere & try to be respectful of boundaries of different cultures. It's not much fun tho.
I don't think it's a matter of cultures. Before I was a single working mom, I probably would've figured I could put the work off til later. For me, what's no fun is going to class without having grades recorded because the 30 min I had to eat and jot them down after dropping the kid at the sitter on the way to an off-campus class was used up by someone nattering away and I have to try to look professional recording them while returning papers. That is a very particular example, but I think there are plenty of people in many cultures who simply have different needs than you do.
I'm with saacnmama. My willingness to talk to "strangers" declined dramatically after a few months of dining alone in NYC as an 18 year old woman. I was an adventurous diner with few college friends who wanted to spend their cash on nice meals out, so I often went alone. And let me tell you, I must have looked just as good as a rare steak to middle-aged men who aren't accustomed to hearing "no" as an answer. Just a few experiences largely stopped my eating out alone. So while I know the majority of people are just trying to be friendly, even now, when I find myself (at 30) single at a meal, I try to entirely occupy myself in hopes of looking as though I'm inviting conversation. Sometimes it's just not great to be a single woman...
I agree with Luniz, if you're at a packed casual place for lunch, it won't kill you to share. Dinner at a nice restaurant? Hell no. Unless it was the cultural norm where I was, then I'd go along with it. Maybe. Or else have enough people with me to fill a table.
No, you don't have to talk with chatty tablemates, but at least you have to be polite- at first . Once you've announced plans not to chat, you're not obligated to accommodate them. You could ask a waiter if you could move as soon as there's an opening elsewhere, too.
I was asked once while traveling solo in Europe,it's very common there,and kind of makes sense in a way. I did say 'yes,of course' and felt mildly uncomfortable. Further on down the road another time I was asked again, said yes (when in rome etc.etc.)and it was very enjoyable. I think the biggest drawback,and a personal pet peeve of mine is giving me the crap table,usually by a swinging door,way in the back,or by the bathroom. Now when that happens I asked for another table. Solo diners especially women,are not treated very well,and need to speak up. I would not be uncomfortable saying no. Also headphones work great for staying by yourself,in airplanes too..and I don't even turn them on,just put them on.
I'm a woman who occasionally eats alone (and has traveled in Europe alone) and although I've heard people say that solo woman diners are treated badly, I've never had that be the case. Usually it's just the opposite: the waiter will be a little more friendly and communicative. And it's not like I'm some cute young thing they're trying to chat up, either, nor do I look or act like a big-spending (I'm not) big-tipper (I can be, especially when a cute Italian waiter young enough to be my son flirts with me).
At a crowded casual downtown lunch spot, most people are there for a quick meal on their lunch break, need a place to sit and put their food down, and don't have a lot of time to wait around. Under those circumstances I don't think it's big deal to share a table. I do sometimes like to talk to people when I'm eating alone, but I've found that exchanging a couple of pleasantries and then saying "enjoy your dinner" and turning your head away is a polite but clear signal the conversation is over.
It's quite common in asian to share a table with strangers. Quite often you don't even have a choice, they just sit down with you whether you want them or not. However, times are changing, with higher end restaurants, they'll have hostess seating the guests to avoid having to share. Depending on the restaurant, I don't mind. Just coming back from HK, I found it interesting to have complete strangers sit with you. I found the experience quite intriguing. A few time in Vancouver I've been asked if I mind that someone else join the table, in my younger years I wouldn't like it but now, I could care less.
At one of my favorite Chinatown (NYC) dim sum places, if you show up alone, you are directed to an eight top round table. As other singles show up, they are seated with you. It's a lot of fun, and you end up in some interesting conversations (despite the taciturnity of many NYers.)
That said, it's one of the few restaurants in which I expect (and welcome) that kind of treatment. Sometimes, I just want to sit in peace and satisfy my hunger (for food, not for companionship.)
:)
georgeb, you describe a really fun time! That's what I meant by cultural norm. The ideal situation would be to know what that norm is the first time you go into the place, then you'd know whether to assimilate or run like hell.
How does one find that out if one doesn't feel like accommodating a restaurant and would like to dine solo?
What do you do if the people who work there won't leave you alone? I don't mind fellow diners necessarily, not sure i'd like being forced to share a table though.
But it does bug me a little when a waiter doesn't know when to break off
I once went to a one Michelin star (the level I like -- good food, money not wasted on expensive designer decor) restaurant alone in Madrid. I was equipped with reading. The waiters looked at me like an alien at first. But they ended up being very nice. I tried my few words of Spanish, hoping that basing it on my French would somehow work.
I sat quietly with my book, had a delicious half-bottle of red, and a lovely meal. And the waiters all came to say goodbye when I sauntered off all filled up and happy.
Here in the US, without knowing it, it seems that I must give off an attitude of "Oh go away." Perhaps it is because NYC is my home town (really, I am a nice person!)? The direct stare with no smile seems to discomfit the chatty types. Hmm. Maybe that's why I'm single? Seriously, stare with total ignoring is effective. So he ends up thinking you are a total B-word, but so what.
Oh yes, back to the original topic stuff...
As for sharing tables, boy it really is where you are and the situation as other posters have noted. I know that most private social clubs have a 'Member's table' where you plop down and talk with the people there. If you want to be alone, you get your own table. Works nicely, but not sure how it would work in a regular restaurant in terms of making the most money.
Do any of you Chow folks have experience working with both a communal table and the single tops for us solo readers? Did it work out financially for the restaurant?
I agree with the "cultural norms" idea. Like a lot of manners, context is everything. I rarely run into situations where I would even think of sharing a table but there was a small, very popular soul food restaurant nearby and table-sharing was the norm. They had very few tables and they filled up quickly so it made sense. If I wanted a more private ("normal") dining experience, I'd just go elsewhere but sometimes comfort food and the friendly environs called out to me.
The restaurant did well so they bought a larger building; now you don't see the table sharing so often. I miss it a little.
I think the telling comment is the first line - I like to eat lunch at this place that is jammed with other office workers. The server asked it you would share a table. Why should you use two seats when the place is jammed?
i think - oh, unaware Americanos !!!!
Just watch the food channel when they do the tours. Many countries do the share table as THE typical serving style.
I'm from east coast and even some american places did this when i was a kid (in ancient times) especially DOWN THE SHORE.
Want your own booth there is Denny's.
Eating cheap or ethnic often comes with the whole package. In some you also have to know to pay at the counter ,There is no bill brought to the table, ever.
When in Rome (or in their restaurant ..)
Years ago I entered a restaurant alone and said, "just one".
The host replied, "never say that." "One is just fine."
I realized what he meant, and there is no reason to apologize
for being seated alone.
Worth keeping in mind.
yorz
Basel, Switzerland
Lovely sentiment, yorz, that was spoken by a true host. On the other hand I was turned away from a restaurant once for being solo (a very high-end Indian place in London, and they didn't want to "waste" a table on one diner). As a business traveler alone in a foreign city I'd have been happy to share a table but the option was not presented.
I had a solo dinner in Pasadena, CA and was surrounded by families. There were several guys looking at me like they needed to fill the spot of a dinner guest at my table. But I purposely went without company...
Are solo dinners looked down upon? Do they say lonely?
I've been a solo diner enough times, by choice, and in many restaurants it's looked down upon because you, the single diner, are unlikely to purchase a full bottle of wine (even if you may order 2-3 glasses), and will order what you want and are likely to finish instead of over-ordering, as many groups (including couples) do.
Decent restaurants will treat the single diner with respect, removing the additional tableware, and will never hover around, waiting for you to leave (knowing that a single diner doesn't linger as much as a large table or even a couple, therby providing a turn for the waiter).
At cafeteria-styled places, it's rare to get one's own table, so sharing is expected. Anyone who's travelled and stayed at hostels has shared a table, though not necessarily conversation. If you want conversation, be respectful if the person politely says no (I've been at the giving and receiving end of this).
I believe you're not really a grown-up until you have mastered the art of the "leave-me-alone" glare. Really not that hard to do, it just takes a bit of practice. With that accomplishment, you can discourage all the attention that comes your way when you want to be left alone.
On the other hand, sometimes you just need to sigh and let go of the me-against-the-world attitude for that one meal. Really, it won't kill you and, with an adjusted attitude, it could turn out to be quite nice after all. But then my mom taught me that you have your entire life to be alone so an hour or two being nice and talking to someone won't matter in the long run. Know what? She was right.
When in San Francisco for a couple of years, it seemed like every asian place I ate at either directed me to sit at a table with another solo diner already there or someone would end up sitting at the table with me. Most of the time we'd nod at each other and eat in silence, sometimes we'd talk. Some of the best conversations I've ever had were when neither of us knew the other's language.
I used to go to Chennai Garden, a delicious and cheap vegetarian South Indian buffet in NYC. I stopped going because of their seating policy; if the place was crowded (and it usually was during the lunch rush), they would plop another customer at your table without even asking. The fact that they wouldn't even ask is what did it for me. The good food is not worth it. I feel this is a horrible restaurant policy. If they want to get more people in, get a communal table. Or at least ask first.
I used to go to Chennai Garden, a delicious and cheap vegetarian South Indian buffet in NYC. I stopped going because of their seating policy; if the place was crowded (and it usually was during the lunch rush), they would plop another customer at your table without even asking. The fact that they wouldn't even ask is what did it for me. The good food is not worth it. I feel this is a horrible restaurant policy. If they want to get more people in, get a communal table. Or at least ask first.
As a non-descript 30-something male, I can sit alone in any bar or restaurant with little fear of being engaged in unwanted conversation. If I was a younger attractive female, however, I think the situation would be quite different. Like it or not, this sort of situation is quite different depending on what demographic you fit into, and it's an issue that extends beyond restaurants.