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Table Manners
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I Don’t Care If She’s FamilyHow to deal with your mother-in-law’s bad manners |
Dear Helena,
I’m married to a wonderful man with wonderful table manners (well, we’re working on a few minor things). His mother, on the other hand, has horrendous manners, and is frankly embarrassing to take to dinner. Even at a casual dining place, she stands out. My MIL talks with her mouth completely full, uses her fingers on her food (and not finger food, either), waters down her wine, slurps, and is (most inexcusably) rude to the waitstaff. And loud. I love her dearly—really!—but I have no idea what to do. Is there any way to politely correct her? We’re moving to Europe, where such bad manners are even more inappropriate, and I have horrible visions of never being able to return to someplace I’ve been with her. —Dreading Dinner
Dear Dreading Dinner,
If the person is an adult, it’s not OK to criticize her table manners, any more than you may tell her to stand up straight, get a haircut, or clean her bathroom once in a while. The only time you can tell someone not to talk with her mouth full is if that person is your child.
You should, of course, have a heart-to-heart if someone’s lack of etiquette is hurting your feelings—for instance, if he or she ignores your party invitations or never says thank you for dinner. But your MIL’s behavior isn’t directed at you. It’s like a hairy mole on her chin: It might be gross, but it’s not a personal insult.
In any case, at this point in your MIL’s life, an etiquette intervention probably wouldn’t be much help. We learn table manners in childhood, so they are deeply ingrained. Nothing will persuade your MIL to become a polite eater, short of behavior therapy or full-scale hypnosis.
Granted, it’s hard to ignore someone’s disgusting eating habits. I know a person who enthusiastically blows his nose on his napkin and moments later mops his brow with it. He also minces everything on his plate into mush before he eats it, and if he has a bit of food stuck in his teeth, he uses a thumbnail to winkle it out. This used to make me cringe. Then I hit on the idea of pretending he’s from another country with different, fascinating customs. Table manners, of course, are culturally relative. In India, people eat with their fingers. In Japan, it’s polite to slurp soup.
Rather than have to confront the spectacle full-on, sit cater-corner from your MIL, or off-center. If you’re embarrassed by her shrieking voice and yahoolike ways, ask for a table away from the door, preferably behind some potted plants. If possible, seat her so that her back is toward the rest of the dining room.
Of course, it’s much harder to look the other way when someone’s bad manners are hurting other people—in this case, the waitstaff. Maybe your husband has a trusting and enlightened relationship with his mother and can simply tell her the truth. But I suspect she’ll take offense. I suggest you first try a more oblique approach. You’re moving to Europe, so simply treat her to a riff about European customs. “It’s different in Europe: The customer isn’t always right. People are so polite to servers.”
If your MIL doesn’t get the message, then it might be tempting to roll your eyes at the servers every time she barks a command or sloshes water into a glass of lovely wine. But this would be a betrayal. Instead, just leave a very big tip. If she’s the one paying, keep in mind that you may have to slip back and toss in a few extra euros.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
Sounds like "mom" needs to move out on her own. Or you guys do.
"well, we’re working on a few minor things"
Classic. "I love you, now change."
Just don't go out to eat with her?
she's the only MIL you are likely to ever have and, when she's gone to that great restaurant in the sky, you'll smile when you talk about her foibles - she is much more important to you than even the most imperious service personnel (who, believe me, see much worse every day) so think of your experiences as "adventures in dining with mom" and start building that collection of stories to amuse your grandchildren. you might also reflect on the fact that someone sitting across the room from you may think that YOU are doing something at the table which they find odd and that MIL seems just like their weird aunt whom they adore...
My MIL tends to ask rude questions loudly, or ask about the plot of a movie whilst in the theater as loud as she can.
"Why did he do that? isn't that going to mess up the relationship? What happened to his friend" and so on.
I'm lucky in that she has bearable table manners. I still wonder at using a finger to push food onto the fork when a knife is right there, but she's not the only grown person I've seen do this.
Frankly, I just don't go to movies with her, and that solves the problem of my frustration and embarrassment in front of the screen.
When we're out in public and she asks or says something inappropriate or indelicate, we all tend to just go quiet. You can't tell your MIL she has bad manners, this is a woman who has been around longer, raised your significant other (so that's where he gets it from) and deserves the respect of any adult. Sometimes, if the relationship is strong, one can make humorous asides and gently call attention to it, but that isn't easy to do well.
Just remember, her manners are not a reflection of you. They don't affect you or make people think less of you. At her age, she's been in public with these manners for a while, and if she worried about what people thought, she would have fixed the problem
Now if watching her food get masticated grosses you out, and I can see that, perhaps your husband could pull up his big boy pants, find his backbone, take mom aside, and gently let her know that it is an issue.
Don't worry about Europe I have seen some shockingly bad manners there, too. Anyhow, you won't get kicked off the continent. If someone sees your MIL's bad manners as terrible, again, they'll notice yours are not. They'll probably chalk it up to "silly, batty, bad mannered American" and not say a word to her.
What a great article! Thanks for writing it. My first reaction was amazement that the son has good table manners. I like the idea of using moving to Europe as a way to at least try to talk to the Mother In Law. I follow a journal of an American who has moved to Madrid, Spain, and from what he writes it is true that the customer is not always right there. And I know that in Europe waiting on tables is an honored profession. I hope that is still true. I like that it is acknowleged that there are no easy solutions. It is lucky that there are no children involved yet. I wonder how the situation would change if the MIL was setting a really bad example for her grandkids. All I can think of is hiring a guy to romance the MIL and gently introduce her to some more refined eating customs while he was at it. Maybe she will meet someone in Europe. I'll keep my fingers crossed for ya!
I am 100% with Howard 1st-she is the mother of the man you married. Try to "rise above" as my dear MIL would have said (and, possibly, with her mouth not totally empty).
I didn't always love her: it was a learned art. When yours is gone, you will cringe at ever having worried about whether she offended the waiter...and, be honest, that is a BIG part of your problem, here, isn't it?
One of the really great things about growing old is to realize just how little notice other people are taking of you...
While most of the issues are gross, I could overlook them. However, IMO being rude to waitstaff is inexcusable and should not be tolerated. Despite what you say Helena, that behavior would reflect on me because I tolerate it. Yes, a big tip helps but why should anyone condone it?
I say talk to her, and tell her that her behavior is out of line. Maybe nobody ever stood up to her. If she insists that her actions are reasonable, tell her flat out that you will not dine out with her anymore.
Or don't move with mom.
While working as a server, I'd see parties where one person was rude to me, while the rest sat there quietly, clearly not in agreement with the rude one's behavior. I never thought the other people were rude just because they were with that person. People can say a lot with their eyes and it's usually them begging me to forgive their friend. I've also had it happen where someone in the party would tell the rude person that they were being impolite and they would apologize to me. The rude one would usually look embarrassed and more than once, It happened that they'd apologize to me when I returned to the table the next time. I don't think you need to scold someone, but you certainly can not let a situation get out of hand or let someone be rude to the server inappropriately.
Some people think that talking down to people or being rude to servers makes others think that they know what they're talking about, that they're clearly very refined and this doesn't meet their high standards. So, letting them know it's not okay may do the trick of fixing it.
While working as a server, I'd see parties where one person was rude to me, while the rest sat there quietly, clearly not in agreement with the rude one's behavior. I never thought the other people were rude just because they were with that person. People can say a lot with their eyes and it's usually them begging me to forgive their friend. I've also had it happen where someone in the party would tell the rude person that they were being impolite and they would apologize to me. The rude one would usually look embarrassed and more than once, It happened that they'd apologize to me when I returned to the table the next time. I don't think you need to scold someone, but you certainly can not let a situation get out of hand or let someone be rude to the server inappropriately.
Some people think that talking down to people or being rude to servers makes others think that they know what they're talking about, that they're clearly very refined and this doesn't meet their high standards. So, letting them know it's not okay may do the trick of fixing it.
I've re-read the OP several times and I'm still not clear ... they're moving to Europe (got that). Is boorish MIL going WITH them? I would think that leaving the continent would solve the problem entirely.
Don't count too heavily on the silent treatment to work any miracles. I was at a family gathering, and the TV was on when NASA sent the first African American astronaut on a space shuttle mission. My friend's mother hollered "The jig is up!" Apparently, the ensuing horrified and embarrassed silence caused her to think that nobody had heard her- so she said it again- even louder.
Last time I checked we choose our dining partners. We cannot complain about things we choose.
I have actually had my MIL give me advice on etiquette. We often have very informal dinners at my inlaws and one day my MIL pulled me aside privately to discuss my "problem" of not knowing how to eat properly. I was so shocked and upset! I must admit I am a small town girl and we weren't taught etiquette at home growing up but I have always prided myself on being very polite, not talking when I eat etc. Her concerns were the fact that I hold my fork in my right hand and my knife in my left and that I didn't hold my knife properly. She said she was "worried for my future" and thought she should let me as she thought it could give people a bad impression and jeapordize my chances in things like a job interview. At the time I was so upset I just said nothing, I was dumbfounded. I like to think that people wouldn't be ashamed/horrified to eat with me. Later my husband told me that he had never noticed anything different about how I ate. I'm trying to chalk it up to her being a conservative old Scottish woman, but I'm still upset about it. What are your thoughts?
brh, don't stress about it too much. Lots of old women get off on insulting people- I tend to think of it as a wee bit of jealousy- oh! and horrible manners, too!
Read up on Miss Manners, aka Judith Martin, and you'll see what I mean. Telling somebody that they have bad manners is itself a breach of etiquitte, and couching it as being "for your own good" is a blatantly sorry justification. If she was being honest she'd just say it bugged her, but no, she's "afraid you won't get a job because of it". Bullshit. It doesn't get any more passive-aggressive than that.
In 25 years I have never actually eaten during a job interview. Sounds like your MIL is just trying to demean you.
I don't know about that -- I think the MIL truly did mean well. Poor etiquette *can* brand you as a rube or uncooth ignoramus.
If the MIL was really nasty, she would have pointed out the person's missteps in front of everyone.
No one likes to be made aware of their mistakes, but the main thing is what you can learn from the exchange. Including the intent of the instructor.
Don't most Americans hold their fork in the right hand and knife in the left? I know Brits/Europeans find this less efficient, but I never had one tell me it was a "problem."
I happen to be of the school of thought that table manners are very important, anywhere. I also wanted to add that its not just Europeans who emphasize proper table manners and respect for wait staff, it is the same in many South American countries as well!
I am often times still shocked by diners and their lack of manners in the US!
When cutting food, Americans hold the fork in their left hand, knife in the right, then usually switch the fork to the right to eat, unless they are left-handed