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Table Manners
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Dude, Where’s My Drink?The absentee cocktail party host |
Dear Helena,
My friend invited me to his house for a cocktail party. I was one of the first guests to arrive. He hadn’t prepped anything—he just had a few bottles of cranberry juice and random bottles of booze, college-style, on a table, and some ice in plastic wrap crammed into his freezer. I started stressing out, and ran to the store to get limes and cut them, boil up some simple syrup on the stove, and get some liqueurs (Cointreau) and other more interesting mixers. He didn’t seem to appreciate it that much, just thought I was being neurotic. But come on, we’re in our late 30s, and it’s time to step it up, right? If you throw a cocktail party, shouldn’t you have some basic drinks on tap ready to go, classy-like? —Cocktail Connoisseur
Dear Cocktail Connoisseur,
It’s hard not to judge when someone in his late 30s is too clueless to whip up a basic margarita. But when you go to people’s houses, you have to accept what they give you. You can’t rush to the store for extra mixers just because you don’t like what’s on offer, any more than you can shove them out of the way and show them how to cook dinner.
Nonetheless, when you arrive at a cocktail party, you shouldn’t have to make your own cocktail. Your host should give it to you within five minutes of your arrival. Later in the evening, it’s OK if the bar becomes self-service. But a good host never allows a guest to make his or her first drink.
When a drink is made for you, it gives you something better than a buzz—it gives you the feeling of being taken care of. This is vitally important, because plunging into a cocktail party can be stressful. You’ll encounter people you don’t know, people whose names you can’t remember, and people you know but don’t like. On top of that, you may be frazzled from a long day at work, or from rushing to get to the party on time. “There’s parking issues, cab fares, the baby-sitter, and who knows what,” says Duggan McDonnell, a bartender at Cantina in San Francisco.
It doesn’t matter whether your first drink is a masterpiece of molecular mixology or a humble vodka and cranberry juice, as long as you get it quickly. You shouldn’t have to stand around while the host squeezes limes or searches the Internet to find out what goes into a Mojito.
Serving drinks pronto doesn’t take much effort. In order to be ready to do so, a host need only follow the steps below:
Decant booze and noncarbonated mixers into pitchers. This looks better, and shows that the host cares. Plus, if he’s using cheap liquor, the guests won’t know.
Chill the drink ingredients. Cocktails taste better chilled. The host should keep the stuff in the fridge and take it out just before guests arrive.
Prep garnishes. Guests shouldn’t have to hunt in the host’s kitchen for a knife and chopping board so they can slice a lemon or lime.
Put the ice in a bowl. Ice tongs are nice too, but regular tongs or even a cup or spoon will do. Guests shouldn’t be forced to rummage in the host’s freezer, confronting sad-looking frost-furred Boca burgers, and wondering if the ice has picked up odors.
Consider premixing a cocktail. This isn’t required, but it makes the host’s life easier. When guests arrive, the host simply pours the cocktail over ice. The drink could even be a conversation-starter.
Clear space for beer. Some guests will inevitably bring it, so the host should make room in his fridge or have an ice-filled plastic cooler ready.
Next time your friend wants to throw a cocktail party, offer to show up early to help with prep. Then demonstrate the steps above. If your friend can master these, he’s earned the right to call his shindig a cocktail party—otherwise it’s just hanging out.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
Jesus H Christ. Is this really a Q&A? Do Chow readers have friends like this, and---if they did---would they admit to it?
Can we please have some real discussions that don't involve adults acting like teenagers?
I liked the post. Adults acting like teenagers are everywhere and it's not always a bad thing. But being a host is an adult activity for sure and people can't have it both ways at their own shindig. There is a long thread on chowhound about bad hosts being way too cheap and doing other atrocious things to their guests so I'm thinking this sort of thing is coming up a lot these days and if this is what people are dealing with, why not write about it?
I'm more offended by the person asking the question.
Unless you've been asked to help -- and from the host's reaction of not appreciating the interference -- butt out. It is their party to host, not yours. Offer to help, but if it is turned down, then just enjoy the party for what it is and hope for good conversation. You can host your own party in any way you wish.
What host puts up with this kind of behavior? You can't go into someone's house and take over uninvited and then expect to be thanked for it. It's rude. If you don't like the lack of cocktails, suck it up and deal. There's a certain sense of entitlement to these questions that keep making me think they're fake, or at least embellished.
Your friend was ill prepared for the party he was throwing. Unless he asked for help from you, I would butt out and leave him be. He will learn his lesson the hard way, or maybe not, maybe people would just have a good time at the bare bones party (theme party?!).
Another riveting topic.
Agree with Firegoat 200%.
Another agree with Firegoat post here. Perfectly said.
Another fake question. How can I tell? If the host is truly a friend and you know him well, then you're not going to be surprised by the way he throws a party.
To make matters worse, the host should have had non-alcoholic alternative alternatives available from the time the first guests arrived. That is an essential element for any cocktail party these days. I doubt that if something should happen, such as an accident or a DUI, being clueless will let the host off the hook.
If you really wanted to be helpful, instead of assessing the party and deeming it not up to your standards, you could have called the host on your way to the party and said, "I'm on my way. Is there any last-minute thing you need me to pick up? Limes, mixers, ice, keg cups?" I do that before any party I attend. Usually, the host has everything under control, but sometimes I've been asked to stop at the grocery store, and the host is very appreciative that I thought to call and save him or her a trip.
Furthermore, who makes simple syrup? If someone showed up at a party I was throwing and started rummaging through the cabinets of my very tiny kitchen to make simple syrup on the stove, I would be absolutely livid, and that person would likely not be invited to my house again.
Firegoat nailed this one on the head. Still, Helena has a point. I think a five minute window is good for getting your guests a cocktail. It's part of being a good host for a cocktail party. Have a set drink ready and allow self service for later. I think I'm more upset by the guiy who asked the question more than the host in question in his letter.
Firegoat is spot-on. If you know the person, you know how they host. Plan accordingly and bring a six pack or your own mix. Where's the problem?
I also like Miss Clare's suggestion of offering to pick anything up on the way, assuming relative closeness to the host. I might find even this gesture a bit off-putting if the guest was only a friend of a friend.
I agree completely that it's not a guest's place to interfere to this extent (and agree with Miss Clare that going so far as to make simple syrup in someone's kitchen is extremely rude). I just wanted to add my two cents about cocktails, following up on what Braniff said.
At a get-together (more a wine party than a cocktail party) a few months ago I had been planning to serve a broad selection of wines, with maybe a few beers for the people who aren't into wine. As the party approached, I realized that almost a third of my guests wouldn't be drinking alcohol for various reasons, so I decided to add Lemon Drops as a "signature cocktail" for the get-together.
I squeezed the lemon juice and combined with the sugar that morning, so the "mix" was ready to go. When guests arrived I would ask if they'd like a Lemon Drop or some Homemade Lemonade. They would follow me over to the cocktail station where I'd show them the procedure for making their drink of choice while I prepared their drinks (the only difference being vodka in one, water in the other) so they would know how to make themselves a refill when I was attending to food and/or other guests later. It turned out to be a huge success, and the people who don't drink alcohol were so happy to have something "special" to drink along with everyone else.
I mention this mainly because at all of my previous get-togethers my only beverage for non-drinkers was water (I don't drink soda, so water and wine are the only beverages you'd find in my house on the average day) and it never occurred to me that I was being a bit inconsiderate to that segment of my guests. Since the party mentioned above, I always make a point of taking the time to consider beverages for my friends who either don't drink or are the drivers that night. I think a fun non-alcoholic alternative also keeps people from getting too drunk (and obnoxious), because they can switch over to the alternative (many of my friends started adding just a splash of vodka to the lemonade recipe for subsequent drinks) and still be enjoying the festivities a bit more than if they'd just had to switch to water.
That being said, I agree with the consensus here: if you go to a party with a "bad host," that doesn't give you license to be an obnoxious guest. Offer to pick something up on the way, then just focus on enjoying the company rather than on judging the host for not throwing the party you would have thrown.
Excellent suggestion, Emmo! When I was not drinking alcohol because of pregnancy, I certainly appreciated being able to participate in the fun of drinking 'special' drinks in a social setting.
Fake question or not, Helena managed to hit most of the points of prepping for a sucessful cocktail party, with one or possibly two exceptions. As several have pointed out, these days it is vital to have non alcoholic alternatives. Second is the issue of munchies. To have or not to have, even if it is something as simple as pretzels, chips, or nuts. Are they to be expected by guests or not?
Who decants liquor into pitchers?
I"m glad someone else asked that... because I was at a loss.... I should pour my single malt scotch into a pitcher? Why?
I think Helena did a good job on giving ideas of how to host a party, but the question seemed fake and if not fake, just horribly self-centered and ignorant. Next time just have the question: I'm going to host a cocktail party, how should I do it?
Yeah, what firegoat said- both times.
While I don't believe, as many do, that the questions for this column are faked, I am beginning to think that maybe the column should be retired if these questions are really the best you're getting.
Disagree with Ratgirl. The questions are often silly, the advice iffy, but the replies are priceless. Or at least better than network TV.
When I play hostess, which is rare, I try to do it up right: a variety of booze and other liquids, including at least one specialty cocktail du soir; lots of homemade snacks, and a few store-bought munchies for those friends of mine who prefer their Doritos to my what-have-you.
That said, I don't at all stand on ceremony. I have no problem with people entering my kitchen and doing whatever they want if it makes them happy (within reason, of course, but reason by my definition would mean, say, not helping themselves to every last drop of Bruichladdich 3D).
How does that rate on the etiquette scale? Not sure.
Instead of hijacking the event, what Cocktail Connoisseur should have done was planned his/her own cocktail party a month later; invited said moron; and then demonstrated how a quintessential cocktail party ought to be executed.
Also, no one should bring beer to a cocktail party. In fact, the only thing your guests should arrive with is the common sense to have worn appropriate attire.
Also, cocktail parties are short affairs and shouldn't last more than 2 hours. Likewise, they start and end on time. Hors d'oeuvres ought to be served and guests should expect to eat dinner elsewhere.
And please never serve cocktails to your guests in plastic cups -- even if they do have a stem and appear fancy. If necessary, rent the appropriate glassware (highball, martini, rocks, etc.) you'll need for the signature drinks you plan to serve that evening.
Finally, if you plan to serve only wine and beer, please don't call it a cocktail party.
The end.