stories : Table Manners
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Toasts, Not RoastsHow to get a wedding speech right |
Dear Helena,
I keep going to weddings with agonizing toasts. Sometimes they go on forever, with more and more guests getting up and saying really stupid, drawn-out things, severely boring the rest of us. Or toasters say wildly inappropriate things, like my friend’s wife’s brother saying, “For our whole lives my sister could never keep a man longer than two weeks. I’m so happy she finally did.” Or they’re annoyingly self-satisfied, like: “My wonderful son literally has accomplished every goal he set out to accomplish, and now this.”Now I’m feeling stressed out because my best friend is getting married and I’ve got to give a toast. What is the proper way to toast, in content, length, and spirit? —Nervous Best Man
Dear Nervous Best Man,
It’s common to feel jittery before giving a wedding toast. That’s why some people pay ghostwriters to do it. At ThePerfectToast.com, $155 will get you a customized toast. Founder and senior writer David Pitlik says that during peak wedding season (May through August), the company churns out about 100 speeches a month. I interviewed Pitlik, along with Nato Green, a stand-up comic in San Francisco whose friends frequently ask him to give wedding toasts. Here are their tips.
Be pithy. There’s no need to tell the couple’s entire life history or philosophize about the nature of marriage. “A toast should last one to five minutes,” according to Pitlik.
Restrain the waterworks. It’s good to get a little choked up: “That guarantees at least half your audience will get emotional, too,” says Pitlik. But don’t allow yourself to become incoherent with emotion, as that’s boring for your audience. Pitlik advises: “It’s OK to take a minute to compose yourself. Take a few deep breaths and a sip of water.”
Focus on the couple. This might seem obvious, but it’s common for people to dwell on their own relationship with the bride or groom. This often happens, says Pitlik, when “the best man sees the marriage as a severing of his relationship with the groom.” Now is not the time to reminisce about your happy bachelor days.
Avoid inappropriate humor. You want to entertain the guests, but you’re addressing a mixed audience that may include the groom’s 90-year-old grandmother as well as his frat buddies. So don’t mention the groom’s days as a pickup artist or the bride’s stint working in a strip joint.
Don’t strain to be funny. Think about why you care about the couple and are glad they’re getting married, then “structure your humor around the points you’re trying to make,” says Green. That’s the best way to strike a balance between funny and tender. If you’re just striving to be funny, “it comes out like Mad Magazine or a Bazooka Joe wrapper,” Green says.
Keep your teasing gentle. “It’s a toast, not a roast,” says Pitlik. Don’t rib the bride or groom about one’s messy divorce or the other’s drinking problem. Case in point: I went to a wedding where the bride had gone down several dress sizes with the help of Weight Watchers. The best man joked that now that she had snagged a husband, she would pile on the pounds. The couple stopped speaking to him shortly afterward.
Limit drinking. If you knock back too many glasses of champagne, you may find yourself flying in the face of all the advice above. You might weep, ramble, or improvise a limerick about your one-night stand with the bride in college. You may think this funny, but no one else will.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
My husband's best man made a fabulous toast. My father got up and spoke well of me and my new husband, whom he loves, and how he was happy we were being wed. My father in law got up and spoke about how wonderful his son was-how creative, sensitive he is, and mentioned neither me nor the wedding at all.
It was blaring, it was embarrassing to my family (who, along with me footed the bill everything), and it was insulting to me. I saw a lot of guests trying to figure out "where to look".
Very poor taste.
Helina hit the nail on the head with this one. Thank goodness at my sister's wedding all I had to do was the traditional Banzai toast (even though we are haole...) its just a part of weddings here in Hawaii.
This is about 95 percent right on the money. The one thing I would add as a toast-giver / wedding attender / amateur critic of everything: Actually wrap up with a "everybody please raise your glasses" TOAST. A lot of toasts ramble to an inconclusive stop and leave guests unsure as to when or whether to give a group blessing by clinking glasses.
Also, yeah. Brevity. Make an elegant point about the couple. Get in. Glasses up, clink. Get out. People love that stuff.
I'd add one more thing. You don't have to be funny. You can just be sincere. If you're stressed about giving a toast, just sincerely say how much you love the bride and groom (or if you only know one well, how much you love that one and how happy you are that s/he found such a wonderful partner), wish them good luck, raise your glass and sit back down. You can throw in a sweet story from early in their relationship if you want. Just make sure you keep the toast really short, like 1-2 minutes, if you're going the all-sincerity route.