stories : Table Manners
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Shhhh, She’s Not Invited!How to exclude certain coworkers from a party invitation |
Dear Helena,
I’m having a dinner party at my apartment and I’ve invited several coworkers. I’ve made a lot of food, but this won’t be a seated affair. Our office is 60-plus people, so clearly I can’t invite everyone, nor would I want to. What’s the etiquette for inviting coworkers? Whom must I invite? Can I send invites from my company email? Keep in mind that this place is the Gotham of gossip, so everyone is sharing information. Awaiting your wisdom. —Eager Not to Offend
Dear Eager Not to Offend,
If guests are likely to be doing keg stands and skinny-dipping in your pool, you might not want to invite your boss. But don’t exclude him or her just because there will be alcohol present. Getting sloshed with the boss can be a powerful bonding experience.
As for everyone else, you should compose your guest list based on whom you like and what kind of mix of people you want, just as you normally would. The exception is if you’re inviting most of the office and only a handful of people remain. Then you should consider asking the rest too. Marie G. McIntyre, author of Secrets to Winning at Office Politics, says: “No one will think it odd if you invite a couple of people to an event, but if you have, say, a workplace of 10 people and invite 7 but not 3, that will look a little funny.” So, even though you might dislike that woman in accounting who loves to tell anecdotes about her cats, it’s better to put up with her at your party than hurt her feelings.
If you’re inviting a few close friends who happen to be coworkers, you need not keep your party secret from the rest of the office. But if you’re asking more coworkers and you’re worried that the excluded might be miffed if word got round, use discretion. Invite people via personal email and avoid Evites, which for some reason seem to get forwarded more than personal emails. “Evites can be dangerous,” confirms John Gearty, a software engineer in San Francisco who likes to entertain.
If you want people to keep the party a secret, then mention this to them over the phone, or in person. Don’t ever name names, or gossip about why you’re not inviting someone. For instance: “Randy’s not invited to the barbecue because he’s a vegan, and I don’t feel comfortable with his militancy.” Instead, offer a benign reason for discretion, such as: “I’d love to invite everyone, but I can’t squeeze them into my place.” Gearty suggests a simple: “We’re trying to keep it small.”
You should only take that discretion so far, however. If someone asks you about your weekend plans, tell the truth. Otherwise, a guest may Twitter about your party, write a blog entry, or post photos on his or her Facebook page, and you’ll be busted.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
I invited all of my co-workers and their SO" to my wedding. AS this consisted of only about 8 people, it wasn't too much of a burden to do so. Yes, I invited my boss and her husband.
Two never bothered RSVP ing, or even acknowleging the invitation. Three ended up coming. one said "no".
My boss, the queen of tact, I call her, called me and asked straight out "Is this a real invitation, or did you just send it to me because it's the 'thing to do'? DO you REALLY want me there?"
I sort of stuttered that I did genuinely want her there. She didn't rsvp and didn't show up.
But, she did throw me a very nice and wonderful office shower dinner, which was so sweet od her.
She's a really nice lady, just sort of blunt.
Still, I did it because they all knew I was getting married, planning a big reception, and I couldn't very well not send out the invites!
With a larger number, I can't imagine it!
Nuh uh. I always keep office and personal separate, especially with more gossipy ones. ALWAYS.
In an office of 60 people, you can't possibly be frirends with everyone. In a group that large, you are bound to have your friends, aquaintences, and those whose names you barely know. I think it's perfectly fine to invite just those people you have actual friendships with - those who you already socialize with outside of work. If you are trying to make friends, or trying to develop a more personal relationship with your boss, a party could be a nice way to achieve that. The people who I would be most worried about offending are those that are between friend and aquaintance. For those, I would err on the side of generosity and invite them. Chances are they won't come anyway.
It's worth keeping in mind sub-groups, as well. If you work in accounting, and invite 4 of the other 5 people who work in accounting but not the 5th, that person is going to feel excluded, even if you only invited a few people from the entire rest of the company.
I'm glad that Eager wants to be considerate of co-workers not invited. Where I work, bridezilla has been walking over to a group of us and starts spilling details about the wedding, totally oblivious to the ones in the group that were not invited. I know she is excited about finally getting married, but it's very rude to discuss an event in front of people excluded.
seriously....what do you do if one of your co-workers happen to be someone you have SERIOUS issues with...there are really some people i never want to darken my door, and are unfortunatly unstable enough to come if someone did the "invite all".
There are good friends and there is everybody. When there is everybody except so n so invited . . . I don't think it works. (and as folk have said above . . . has a lot to do about work groups)
I avoid the issue by keeping work and my personal life as separate as possible. Having friends you work with can be just as awkward as dating a co-worker.
Who forwards evites?! I would NEVER do that.
Co-workers should also make a point of being discrete about such things. I had a small party in my small apartment. I couldn't invite everyone in the office and I didn't have a problem about it until it became the discussion in the kitchen. It made it seem like the weekend "event" when it was only a small gathering. I am sure that the co-workers who came to the party knew that I didn't invite the whole office. So why did they make such a big deal about it afterwards in front of the others?? Unnecessary!
having been the outsider in terms of age group, and a relatively new employee, I didn't mind not being invited to our section's after- hours get togethers. But when this tight-knit group began discussing what everyone was going to bring, what time to arrive, etc, by coming by to chat with my shift coworker, it began to be very uncomfortable. It was as if I wasn't there at all. Not cool.
I'd say, keep it private--ask for invitees' home emails and take care of it there. Don't discuss it at work, and request that they don't either.