stories : Table Manners
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Surprise Guest: MomCan you tell a friend not to bring his parent to your party? |
Dear Helena,
I recently invited eight close friends for a casual dinner party. We have been friends for years, but hadn’t seen each other for months.
We have a lot of fun when we get together. Half of the group (the nondriving half) will do a few shots. We are all comfortable around each other and it is a loud party, lots of fun, lots of “letting one’s hair down” as far as language, stories, and behavior. None of this is ever offensive to anyone present but would be slightly inappropriate in public.
But, this time, 15 minutes before guests were due to arrive, “Joe” called and asked if we minded if he brought along his mother! (None of us had even met her; she was visiting from out of town.) My husband flat out told him that he was worried she would be a little uncomfortable with the setting.
Joe arrived without her and even joked about it, but I was upset about the whole thing. I felt that, even though it wasn’t right for him to ask at the very last minute, it was also wrong of my husband to say no in so many words. How should we have handled this? —Chagrined Hostess
Dear Chagrined Hostess,
When a guest asks if you’ll accommodate someone else, you should say yes. I’m assuming a guest will only make this request if he’s desperate. In other words, he’s unexpectedly saddled with someone who can’t be left alone: a friend in crisis or a visiting relative.
Squeezing in an extra may stretch your menu and disrupt your seating plan. But when you cook dinner for people, there’s always enough food for at least one more portion, even if you have to rip a tuna steak in two. If you don’t have enough chairs, you can improvise one, no matter if it is an upturned recycling crate. You might have to pack guests more tightly around the table, but that can create a more intimate atmosphere and encourage conversation.
Of course, you must consider the other guests as well as the one who wants to bring an extra. In this case, your husband probably refused out of a sense of duty to your friends, fearing that Joe’s mom would put a damper on the revelry by droning on about her bunions.
But don’t be too quick to decide the new addition won’t fit in. If the person is the recent ex of one of your other guests, then, yes, the evening will probably be awkward. But if you don’t know the person, he or she may surprise you. Stacy Homes, a marketing manager in Seattle∗, was nervous about how her 58-year-old mother might react to her unconventional circle, which includes a polyamorous couple. But when Homes took her mom to a birthday party, her mom got sloshed and had a great time: “My friend said, ‘Hey, I think your mom needs to go,’ and I looked down the hall to see her swaying on a chair wearing a lopsided wig.”
If the unexpected guest is an older person, your dinner party may offer him or her more than just a good time. Cathryn Jakobson Ramin, author of Carved in Sand: When Attention Fails and Memory Fades in Midlife, says that social interaction and mental stimulation (along with physical exercise) are essential in protecting the brain from deterioration as you age. Having a cup of tea with relatives you already know isn’t enough: “If you just sit around the living room and look at each other, it’s not necessarily all that mentally stimulating for anybody.”
Of course, some people simply do not mingle well with others. But since your friend knows his mother and you don’t, let him be the judge. Tell him his mom is welcome but that you expect the evening to be rowdy. He may decide to leave her at home, but he won’t resent you for excluding her. Or he might say, “Great, because my mom can drink anyone under the table.”
If not, she might help one of your other guests get a job, or a secondhand couch. She very well could have a summer house on Cape Cod that’s available right when you want to take a vacation. At the very least, she might love to do dishes.
∗Her name and identifying details have been changed.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
I disagree. I think if the guest had his mom, rather than try to saddle a host with a potential uncomfrotable situation and perhaps wreck an evening for the whole crowd, he should have bowed out and found somehting fun to do with his mother elsewhere.
Some people do know thier moms, but not everyone does. Perhaps momma's boy was the type of guy that knows exactly what bringing mom to a shots party would do to throw a towel on things, but he is too selfish to give up his anticipated fun evening.
Perhaps he really is uncomfy with his own mother and feels he doesn't want to be alone with her. Perhaps he is lazy. Maybe he's cheap, and just figures it'd be cheaper than taking her out and paying himself.
Maybe it's his mom's fault-she's clingy and has to spend... every... waking... moment with him (and possibly the sleeping ones-eew). Maybe she's a lush.
Maybe, even, he wanted to get away from her and was hoping the host would say "no" so he could get time from Mom, who had been hounding him relentlessly the entire visit-"why aren't you married? Why not get a better job? Look at how my son dresses! Here, let me get that smudge off your face *spit* *rub*, you should eat better! Why are you getting so fat? Your borther wouldn't live here."
"Gosh, I'm sorry, Mom, they really don't have room or anything extra. Why don't you stay here and watch "Top Hat" and I'll get some take out? See you later, don't wait up!" *Flee*
Why, our hosts may have RESCUED him.
wWe all should know that some worlds should never collide. Mom and shots? In some families it goes together, and those families need help from a professional with a couch
I guess it depends on the person. If your friend Joe is the type with good judgment, he probably (as Helena says) knows his mom could be a fun addition to the party, and won't be a downer. If your friend Joe is a selfish, cheap, lazy idiot, it's weird that you're friends with him in the first place. I've had some great times at dinner parties when a friend brought a parent, or two, or many - one of the rowdiest parties I've been to was my college graduation party, which had moms and dads outnumbering the kids.
This just sounds like the type of answer that depends on the person asking, the mom in question, and the rest of the group. Surely asking to bring another guest at the last minute is questionable regardless of who it is, but it is the duty of a gracious host ought to accommodate.
Surely if you've invited someone to an event, you reserve the right to (politely) insist that the invitation is for them, and not for them and anyone they care to bring along, if you suspect that the party wouldn't be right for them? For example, if Joe asked if it would be ok to bring his teenage son, would you still insist that they should be accomodated? I tend to have a fairly informal approach to entertaining, and I don't have a problem with extra guests, but at the end of the day, it's my party and it's unfair to expect the host to cater for unexpected plus-ones if they don't want to!
I think every situation is individual, but in general, hosts have no obligation to accomodate extra guests. If Joe's mother was visiting, he probably should have skipped the party and spent the time with her, unless he thought she'd be a great addition.
This query reminds me of one of the funniest phone calls I ever received.
When I graduated from high school (10 years ago...ugh, I'm old) my parents hosted a graduation party for me at our country club. I didn't invite everyone from my graduating class to the party, mostly because I hated most of my classmates, but I did reciprocally invite the girls who invited me to their parties. I'll never forget the irate phone call I got from one of my classmates (a girl I'd known since kindergarten, but who didn't like me very much) who I didn't invite.
"Uh, Clare, your graduation party is today."
"Yes, Classmate, it is."
"Well, Other Classmate got her invitation in the mail. Why didn't *I* get one?"
I had to think quickly and come up with a tactful answer.
"Well, Classmate, that's because I didn't send you an invitation. But if you'd like to attend, I can give you directions to the club. Do you have a pen handy?"
*click*
Still gives me a chuckle.
(Oh, and to address the original question, I'd only bring my mom to a friend's party under extreme duress. My friends know too much incriminating stuff about me to be trusted not to tell my mom.)
Aside from whether Joe is right or wrong to ask to bring another guest to the party, I'm kind of fascinated by the assumptions that Chagrined Hostess and her husband are making: that older people would be shocked by drinking and carousing--as if they've never done it, as if the only way to have fun is to drink too much, as if someone who is the mother of an adult would drag everyone else down. Does she think that she and her friends belong to the first generation that was ever loud? that ever drank too much? that ever threw little intimate dinner parties? What a sad, limited way of looking at the world and the people in it! I suspect that Chagrined Hostess and her husband have been watching too much TV and falling for too many cultural cliches. Their dinner parties are probably not much fun; they don't seem to have much imagination or flexibility.
Sometimes we all get our noses out of joint for whatever reason. Sometimes some of us don't think quickly enough when thrown a curve. This sounds like a combination, when nobody makes quite the right decision and a couple spends time deciding who was more wrong, because they both know they didn't handle it as perfectly as they wanted to. I know it's happened to me and several of my friends.
The resulting blamefest doesn't help.
I guess in general, when you're the host, it's good to err on the side of being expansive. There are a lot of exceptions, though. My big nightmare would be somebody bringing their recovering alcoholic mom to a gathering where it was understood that the liquor would be flowing and everybody felt free to be their drunken selves. Not good for anybody. Self-consciousness for all.
BethC, I think you're being a bit hard on the Chagrined Hostess. A "party" party should be flexible and open to (a few) new guests; dinner parties are another thing. She also said this party was for a group of close friends who rarely saw each other anymore. I can see wanting that to be just those friends so they could catch up with each other. Bringing in a new guest, especially someone's mother, means that the others would be on their "best behavior" and not relaxing with old, close friends.
I think the guest with the mom should have bowed out and entertained his mom instead. It seems a bit rude of him to ditch her at home!
BonzoGal, I agree with you that the guy should have entertained his mother; she was, after all, visiting from out of town. And, yeah, okay, maybe I am beinig a bit hard on Chagrined Hostess. I see your point about the nature of the party, but my reaction comes from her apparent assumption that the addition of a parent to her hip little dinner party would throw a wet blanket on the thing. Every generation thinks it invented fun.
I agree with many that the guest is most in the wrong; he took the chance of making his mother and/or his hosts/fellow guests feel uncomfortable/upset over himself.
BTW, I'm one who doesn't often agree with Helena, either in her choice of topics or her responses, but that doesn't mean I automatically therefore assume she must be unqualified—hell, I'm hardly the authority on etiquette. At any rate, her response in this case strikes me as quite big-hearted and thoughtful.
I'm with you tatamaquoche! it's an awkward situation all around and it sounds like in the end the guest did the right thing by leaving Mom at home.It was kind of out of place for him to even ask..but every situation is different and for once I agree with Helena!!
I think that the husband handled it nicely. He voiced his concern (worried the mother would be a little uncomfortable), but it didn't flat out tell the friend he couldn't bring his mother. The friend had the chance to say "don't worry about it, she'll be fine", politely bow out and stay home with his mother, or leave his mom at home. I think the real question should have been "what do I do when I have previous plans with friends and an unexpected guest appears?"
While I agree that asking to bring an uninvited guest is rude, and the host is by no means obligated to acquiesce to said request, I do agree that Beth C is on the right track.
Not knowing anything more than she was the mother of a guest, I must admit that I'm old enough to have children of drinking age. Furthermore, I've likely experienced and participated more than many people of that age in terms of drinking, bawdy behavior, salty language, etc. To look at me you would never know it, but trust me, little shocks me.
I heartily disagree with Helena! I'm more with BonzoGal.
The point that no one has even raised is the temerity of calling FIFTEEN mins before arrival with this request.
Hell NO!
Sure, you should always have some extra portions (for hearty eaters who want seconds, etc) but that kind of last minute request would really throw me for a loop as I pretty well plan everything to the nth degree.
I'd love to be the kind of host who says, "Sure, why not?" but I only actually have space and matching tableware at my table for 6, tho we have squeezed in a seventh on occassion... So a plate didn't match -- it wasn't the end of the world. An unexpected 8th person, tho, would be out of the question.
Here's my story -- I threw a fairly informal party on Boxing Day (day after Christmas) bc my Mum was visiting from Sydney. I emailed invites 3 weeks in advance and followed up with reminder emails for everyone, including the flaky LA types who hadn't bothered to reply (about half of the invitees).
The night before the party, I finally heard from a gal whose friendship has been patchy (to say the least) for the past few years, asking via email if she could bring her cousin.
I replied 'no' - I didn't really want anyone there I didn't know already. It was a small but intimate party.
She tried to guilt me out by saying it was her birthday and her cuz was coming up from out of town etc
Really? I invited you and you never replied. You never bothered to say "I'm not sure -- it's my birthday that day..." Nuthin'. Then at the last minute (okay, the night before...) you decide you can make it but wanna throw a spanner in the works.
I know I sound inflexible, but it was more a case that this person had abused my goodwill so often that by this stage I was getting fed up with her frequent rudeness. It was also the penultimate last straw. Since then, she totally blew off another small gathering I'd arranged for a small group of us that don't get to see each other very often, spouting a bunch of lies and assorted annoying behaviour (I won't go into the whole saga but it involved her texting me back *after it was all over* saying she went home sick, but not realising she was even texting me... then trying to lie and excuse her behaviour then *repeatedly* texting me the exact same text the very next night for some reason --- I could go on...)
Just so you know I have tried so many times over about four years to keep this one-sided friendship alive, but after getting so many instances of sheer rude behaviour in return, I finally gave up on her.
So, yeah, perhaps I am not the most chill soul when it comes to entertaining, but a lot of effort and planning and emails and shopping and cooking goes into getting people together and it just gives me the almightly shits when people don't even bother to respond in time or at all.
We have a great time when we entertain our close friends. I've decided I just can't be bothered with repeatedly rude people who I *know* know better.
why does inviting the mother mean anyone has to change their behavior?
I do think people are being hard on the host. The husband did not say Joe couldn't bring his mother. He actually said, "We are worried that your mother might be a little uncomfortable." Joe was the one who made the decision to not bring his mother.
And Maximilian, you are a bit of a masochist for trying for four years to keep a relationship with someone who clearly is self-absorbed and not gracious in the least (to put it mildly). When someone tells you who they are, believe them, and separate yourself from their thoughtlessness. Good for you for finally stopping!!!
Here are more horror stories from a thread I began not too long ago:
http://www.chowhound.com/topics/510097
^ lol - thanks for your comment cgg. Upon reflection, I was afraid it was tmi.........
I am not a masochist at all, but it is tough to consciously drop a friend you used to have a great time with. Of course, one can let friendships fade away, but in this case we all tried to keep it alive (also one of the four friends is all of our hairdresser, so the circle of friends kind of is still active, if you see what I mean).
It's complicated.
I think it was rude of the person to ask only 15 minutes before the party if he could bring his mother. Perhaps a day or two in advance and they could have accomadated her. Maybe the husband said she may be uncomfortable because she didn't know anyone there.
And how could this guy have his mother visit and not know more than 15 minutes before the party? Weird...if he knew his mother was visiting when he accepted the invitation he should have said so. If she asked to visit after he accepted, he could have told her and given her the option of still visiting or what to do then. I don't think it's rude to say no to someone asking to bring a guest at the last minute.
Did anyone else click on the link and think that a "polyamorous couple" is an oxymoron?
I suspect these partiers are young enough that they still see their and others' parents as authority figures and don't realize older people drink and talk about off-color things, too.
And by the way, many (if not most) recovering alcoholics are perfectly capable of being around people who are drinking without freaking out or fallikng off the wagon. It just isn't as much fun as the drunk people think it is.
I don't get it. Why was it wrong or rude to ASK to bring a guest - any guest to the party? Was it because of the timing?
IMO, BRINGING an uninvited guest to a party would be rude. ASKING if someone could bring another person, while I might not welcome such a question, wouldn't be rude. It also wouldn't be rude for the host to say no - there is no law that one must answer all questions with a "yes."
If I was Joe, I'd have called my host and said, "Jane, I'm so sorry, I totally spaced out about my mom's visit (9if that's what happened) and I got home from work and she's here on my doorstep. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to cancel. Then my host could either say "We'll miss you" or "gee, if you're not worried about your mom getting drunk and telling stories about every dumb thing you ever did growing up, bring her along."
Or if mom showed up announced (in some families I see this happen), I'd be frank about it. If I had to make the cal in the same room as mom, I might not be able to be frank.
I also have older acquaintances that are fun at parties - two are moms of my friends. Mom's a grown up, you're a grown up. What's the problem?
I have to agree with Helena and say that Miss Manners would certainly also agree with Helena. You don't ever have to invite the offending guest again, I suppose, if you are so very offended that he got confused and thought it was a *party* and that you all were his *friends* and might therefor be understanding that he found himself in a situation. Kill them with kindness (if need be), you never have to see them again. Personally, I can't believe "joe" showed up after the insult to him & his mother. I wouldn't.
I love to meet new people & certainly wouldn't prejudge whether or not they might be interesting or fun or judgemental by how old they are. I know a couple of ladies in their 80's who are a hoot at parties. If "joe" were my friend, I'd be willing to give him a little credit... that is I probably wouldn't be friends with him if he was so senseless and w/out basic pratical judgement that he'd bring his uptight, blue-blood, devout Catholic mother to a hedonistic gathering of Wiccan Voudou praticioners.
If you find that you are so uptight & controlling, that you cannot be flexible and open in your party-throwing, I would seek professional help. You will find life is far more fun & far more satisfying if you loosen your grip a bit.
I recommend Miss Manner's "On Weddings" to anyone who is confused/uptight about these kinds of situations. It is a slim volume, very funny, and not solely about weddings... It will help refresh your memory as to what a *party* is all about (hint* it isn't really all about YOU... not even when you are the Bride!)
Foremost, I think that the husband's delicate inquiry was the perfect way to handle an awkward situation. If a guest is so rude as to call fifteen minutes before they are supposed to arrive and ask to add another to a small dinner party, it is perfectly reasonable to be somewhat wary as to whether the same guest is at all aware of whether their mom would be comfortable at a drunken, raucous and intimate gathering of the type described. Some people are, and some people aren't, no matter what age they are.
Butter & Whiskey, I think that you might find that Miss Manners might handle such a situation far more sharply. Most of her columns involve meeting rudeness, with a gentle (and occasionally no so gentle) nod to the rudeness at hand. For instance, in a column regarding how to handle a bride asking too much, financially, of her bridesmaids, her recommendation to a bridesmaid was to tell the bride that she was very sorry, but that she could no longer be a bridesmaid, as she could not afford the duties. Also, although there are many lovely elderly people who enjoy a raucous party, others might not. Should the individual involved be a forthrightly conservative, religious and teatotalling person, they might not only not have a good time, but might ruin the entire dinner party for everyone else. Asking questions gently, is the only way to find this sort of thing out, as opposed to rudely telling someone to see a psychiatrist.