Table Manners
Is There Something in My Teeth?
Oral hygiene among friends and associates
Dear Helena,
If you are eating with somebody and they have something really noticeable stuck in their teeth, or on their face (e.g., a giant crumb hanging off their lip), do you tell them? And if you do tell them, what’s the best and most discreet way to do it so they won’t be embarrassed? —Taking Care of My Friends
Dear Taking Care of My Friends,
Before you act, make sure the item really is a bit of food. If what you’ve noticed is actually a mole or blemish, it could be awkward—a bit like commenting on a woman’s pregnancy only to have her say, “I’m not.” You should wait a moment or two in any case, as the person may feel the crumb and brush it away of her own accord.
If the person does not remove the item, you must alert her. You’d want to know if you had a blob of mustard on your nose. So treat other people as you’d like to be treated.
If you’re dining with a group, first try a nonverbal hint. Give the person a significant look and discreetly gesture at the corresponding area of your own face. You could even blot it with a napkin. But if the person doesn’t notice the gesture, don’t keep repeating it. You’ll look like you have a nervous tic.
If you’re dining alone with the person, or if the nonverbal hint didn’t work, say something. Your goal is to let the person know what’s wrong while drawing as little attention to it as possible. Elizabeth Karmel, author of Taming the Flame and a grilling expert, likes to use a code for this purpose. She inducts friends and colleagues into what she calls “the tooth check club.” To become a member, you make a pact to murmur the phrase “tooth check” when you notice food in another member’s teeth. You also pledge to use the phrase to alert members to any other significant glitches in their appearance, from pesto on the chin to an open blouse or fly. You simply say, “Tooth check,” and use a glance or gesture to indicate the exact nature of the problem.
But while this approach is fun, it also smacks of high school. It’s easiest to be direct. However, keep it sotto voce—don’t announce the situation to the entire table. You also need not be specific, as in, “You have a glob of chewed-up bagel lodged in your mustache.” It’s more discreet if you just softly say, “You have something here.” Usually if you quickly touch the corresponding place on your face, the person will be able to locate and remove the bit of food.
You may embarrass the person a little, and thus risk a shoot-the-messenger effect: Instead of being grateful, the person may associate you with the twinge of humiliation.
But most likely the person will be glad you saved him from walking around looking foolish. Karmel recalls an incident when she was acting as publicist for a famous cardiologist on a media tour: “I was very young, and he was very famous, and he had something in his teeth. It felt embarrassing to say something. Then I thought: ‘I can be his hero and tell him, or he can go on television with spinach between his teeth.’”
Don’t let your companion endure that sad, lonely moment in the bathroom when he discovers a smear of sauce on his chin and realizes no one cared enough to let him know.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
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Nice one, Helena. Agreed on all points. Maybe your recent columns will calm down the HH (Helena-hating) fraction around here.
Pretty good advice for a sort of tricky situation. People can feel embarrassed when you tell them and angry if you didn't.
I am always glad when someone points out that there is something stuck to my teeth or on my face. I've walked around for hours before, catching what I thought were happy nice smiles from strangers, only to find out I had doughnut powder on my face.
It is worse when I think of the people I knew that I ran into who didn't tell me.
Still, how does one figure out if it's a mole or blemish without staring or asking? Does one sort of just watch them for a while? That might make the watchee nervous. Staring is rude!
Still, I agree, let 'em know as discreetly and quickly as possible, even if it means pulling them aside somehow. Perhaps if you are both dining out with a group and the food tooth is getting up to use the facilities, you can get up, too, and catch them on the way out or back (of course, chances are they'll see it in the mirror). I have sent a little note around on a napkin.
I have found that motioning to or dabbing on my own face First off is the "mirror image" problem. If they do see me, they invariably dab at the mirror image side of thier face, not the actual direction side. Then I have to try motioning again. by then, the rest of the party has noticed our little performance piece and someone hollers, "Hey, lookit that wad of spinach in yer teeth!"
Secondly, getting people to notice you isn't always easy. Sometimes, it seems like semifore. Or maybe I could use an alder lamp?
It's easier if it's just two people. Then I just sort of quietly lean over and say, "You know, you have a little something stuck to your cheek. I know you would hate it if I let you walk around all day with it! I would, too." Generally, that works.
I have a close friend I love dearly but his table manners are atrocious. Inevitably there will be something in the vicinity of his mouth. Discreetly, what I've done is put my finger to MY mouth indicating where on him the misplaced forkful resides. Obviously he's caught on because he knows it's a signal to wipe his mouth immediately.
I always tell people, even if I barely know them. I just know how much I hate it when I discover later that I had a big something stuck in my front teeth.
a "very famous" cardiologist?
Maybe Dr. Oz? The guy always on Discovery Health and Oprah.
Either way, yeah... you should tell. Say it and move on in conversation. People usually don't feel embarrassed if the other person doesn't act like it's a big deal. Dwelling on it or making it the center of attention and conversation only makes it worse. So, just make a quick mention and keep conversation flowing as it was before. No biggie.
Can you tell a friend that he/she has bad breath? Is it more polite to let that person know?
This is not table manners, but should you inform someone if their zipper is down? I was in an elevator recently when a man entered with his zipper down. I didn't say anything but thought that if I were in his situation, I probably would have appreciated it.
The etiquette rule I've always learned is that if it's something they can do something about at the moment, you point it out. If it's not, you don't. So, crumbs on shirt, yes. Stains on tie, not so much.
By that measure, I'd say 'zippers, yes'.
Though, if at all possible, you should not pull your van up next to someone you see walking down the street and yell across a crowded sidewalk to let them know their zipper is down.
Not that I didn't appreciate knowing, you understand, but I didn't appreciate several dozen other people also knowing.
I once had the situation happen where a person was busily noshing on a fresh slice of pizza, and as he turned to speak to me, I saw that he was smeared with pizza oil on one side of his coat lapel. Besides having to deal with someone talking with their mouth full, I simply thought he was slovenly, and was steeled to politely ignore it. As he took another bite, that pizza oil still wasn't done and dribbled on his coat yet again. It was at that point he gave out an anguished squawk and started to mop it up and gave me the stink-eye plus complaint that I'd LET him go ahead and do that all the while he was speaking to me. Sigh.
I always tell a friend if they have something in their teeth, nose, etc.. They always seem appreciative. If it were me, I would want to know.
I think most people appreciate being told, but some don't care.
I have a friend who I intentionally avoid eating with. He doesn't mind if I tell him he has food on his face, might wipe it off, but maybe not. Talking (loudly) with his mouth full, destroying well-presented dishes, "see-food" eating...it's all part of a meal with him. I loose my appetite. He's a nice guy, and bright, just a gross eater.
When we see each other at conferences, I don't make the standard invite to coffee or drinks (there might be bagels or appetizers). Instead, I think up a neat thing or 2 we can see in the city. In Boston last week, I suggested a 3-story glass globe that you can walk into or a 52-story observation deck. The time and money are about the same, and I can enjoy a lovely meal later.
My co-workers always make me walk around with my lunch still on my teeth! I have started to floss immediately after lunch. I would like to know rather than be made a fool...
I use my standard: "Oh! Hon, you have something [point to where it is]." They are always appreciative, and because I didn't make a huge deal about it, they were not embarrassed. Just remember to laugh it off people -- we are all human!