stories:
Table Manners
 |
Don’t Scream “I Hate Broccoli!”Teaching your kid table manners |
Dear Helena,
The other night we had a couple and their five-year-old son to dinner. We sat down to eat, and everything went fine, until their kid flicked a pea at my son. His parents laughed, but I was kind of dismayed, because my parents always taught me not to play with your food at the table. But then I started thinking, “Maybe I’m being too anal.” What are the need-to-know table manners for kids these days, anyway? —Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned Mom,
According to the parents and child-care experts I talked to, here are the three key things that children need to learn but often don’t. They apply to eating at home or eating out.
1. When you eat dinner, eat dinner. Your kid shouldn’t fight pea wars, jump up to get his Game Boy, or slither onto the floor. When you’re sharing a meal with others, you shouldn’t do anything other than eat and make conversation. Teach your child this now, or he might turn into the kind of adult who answers his cell phone during dinner.
Sitting still is particularly important in a restaurant, says Lindy Fishburne, a management consultant in San Francisco. “If the kids don’t keep their rumps in their seats, they could loom over the people in the booth behind [you] and get ketchup on their shoulders.”
2. Don’t scream, “I hate broccoli!” Children don’t have to accept foods they dislike just to be polite (that’s a skill they’ll have to master later). But a simple “No thank you” is the appropriate response when offered a hated item. If the food is put on their plates without asking, it’s good to get them to learn to take three bites before deciding they don’t like it, says Barbara Klein, president of White House Nannies, a child-care placement agency in Washington DC. These days, according to Klein, kids aren’t expected to clean their plates (in part because of the problem of childhood obesity). But if the child doesn’t like something, he should just leave it, versus, as Fishburne puts it, “screaming, ‘I don’t want that, get it out of here!’ and acting like it’s going to crawl all over him.”
3. Don’t order like you’re at a drive-through. Kids sometimes bark out commands. They may bang their cups on the table and yell, “Milk! Milk!” Their frustration is understandable. Imagine how angry you might get if someone else controlled everything you ate. How should you correct them? Don’t simply tell them what to say. Fishburne explains: “If I tell [my son] to ask, ‘Please could I have some milk?’ he just parrots it back. He has to learn to think of it. So instead I tell him, ‘I need to hear it with good manners.’” Make sure your child learns to say it every time. Otherwise, when he grows up and goes to restaurants, the server may spit in his food.
Once your youngster has mastered these three skills, you can find more advanced lessons on table manners here:
• Bread-plate etiquette
• Elbows on the table
• Blowing your nose
• Eating with your fingers
But don’t overdo it. At age six, your kid doesn’t need to know how to pick out a hostess gift, or which fork to use at a diplomatic banquet. Go too far, and you’ll turn him into one of those Little Lord Fauntleroy types who sport a bow tie and pass out hors d’oeuvres. That would be creepy.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
LOL, love the comment about the server spitting in the punk's food. When dining out, I see a lot of 20-somethings that could learn from this article.
Concerned Mom has a very valid point. When her guests allow their child to misbehave at the table, and even laugh at it, it undermines the hostess's rules for her own kids.
Sadly, I see a lot of this kinds of stuff these days. My siblings, Im pleased to report, have brought along OUR rules to their kids, and this would never ever happen at any of our family gatherings. But some of my friends and their small children are another matter, not to mention the little darlings I see in restaurants who are NOT yet fully aware of restaurant manners.
Kids will do what they see others doing and that includes adults. My nephew told me that his dad (my brother the Blackberry addict) is NOT allowed to bring his handheld device to the dinner table, no matter HOW important that next call might be. Here at MY house (2 adults, one Blackberry) the same rule is enforced, I assure you.
I agree with Cheflambo. Remember when we were all growing up and you knew that you had to abide by the rules of whatever house you were in? Sure, sometimes it wasn't fun, but it taught kids to respect other adults, respect rules in general, and adapt to different situations with grace. I so wish all parents taught Helena's three rules, here.
Sadly, I believe those "little darlings" who are noy yet fully aware of restaurant manners grow up to be obnoxious adults who will never be fully aware of manners in general. I don't have kids; but is it just me or are parents afraid to say "no" these days?
>>Kids will do what they see others doing and that includes adults.
This is so true, but some parents don't get it. It always made me laugh as a waitress when parents would prompt their toddler so say please when they ordered their meal, and then the parents would make their order with nary a please or thank you in sight.
You knocked it out of the park this week, Helena. To me, speaking and behaving politely during a meal (at ANY age!) is far more important than how one holds his fork and knife.
I'm pretty prim at the table but even more so when I'm at someone else's house, and that's earned me some ribbing from my friends and their parents.
When my brother was a teen, his girlfriend of several months and her parents came for dinner one night. While he was helping (without being asked) to clear the table, I remember distinctly that the mom mentioned to both my mom and I that my brother was her favorite of all the guys their daughter had dated, because "he has such nice manners". This included all the stuff that had been drilled into us as kids -- standing up when a lady left the table, opening the car door for her, etc. I tell this story to his teen-aged sons now and although they roll their eyes, I think some of it is sinking in.
Great work this week Helena!
If you don't teach your kids good manners and how to behave in public or around strangers, you're really doing them a disservice. We all know how important these issues are in dating and business. Eventually your kids wont be kids anymore, there wont be the "Oh, they're just children" excuse. Even if you're totally relaxed and don't want to run a "strict" household, or you simply don't believe in table manners... most of the world does, and they will judge you and your kids for it. It's so much easier to learn this stuff as a child then have to figure it out as an adult.
My parents weren't strict at all. I never had a curfew, never was grounded, but I absolutely know how to behave in other people's homes and in restaurants. It's pretty simple, and I don't remember ever being "taught" to do it since it was done all along.
In my experience, ill-behaved children belong to ill-behaved, self-absorbed parents. The parents often set a poor example to the children of how to treat others (both restaurant staff and other diners) by demanding, rather than asking the server for help. They often expect other diners to tolerate their children racing around the restaurant, banging and screaming, and throwing food as the parents sip their martini (and then drive themselves and the children home). The parent then becomes insulted when others appear to disapprove of their child's behavior. It's these self-and-child-absorbed individuals who make life difficult for all parents with small children.
I must agree with PlatypusJ: this one is a winner. Thanks for this sound advice, Helena.
Thanks for the article, Helena! Let me add my two cents.
I do allow my daughter (will turn 7 soon) and her friends to play with food. However I impose clear and strict rules that balance the freedom of play, and the food they play with is often not the everyday-kind of food: this is a gingerbread house and like, or some dishes the kids pretend are served to them at a restaurant. No throwing, no spoiling, no grimasses!
And for a long time and in different countries, I haven't seen children over 3 years misbehaving at restaurants or home parties.
The only problem our family is facing is the waiting time at a restaurant, when my daughter gets bored before the food arrives, and the restaurants don't provide anything to entertain the kids. It would be a good idea to bring something with us, but we don't always know if we would dine out or not.
New here...hi everyone.
I have three boys and am doing my darndest to teach the little hooligans how to behave like civilized humans. It's not easy. I find it very amusing to read and hear folks who have NO KIDS weigh in on how other people's children should behave...I can't help thinking "just wait...you'll get yours."
Hof, whether or not we have kids has NO bearing on how yours should behave in public. Im not ever going to have children, but that doesn't mean that I should not be annoyed by little hooligan behavior! Im glad to hear you're trying teach your boys good manners, and I do appreciate what a challenge that can be. My objection is to parents who think they don't have to do this, and that somehow their little darlings will learn this somewhere else (at their friends' homes, for example). I came from a big family and took every opportunity I could to spend time at my friend's homes, especially for dinner. My mom seemed always surprised when my friend's moms complimented her on MY good behavior. (I also understood that good manners would get me invited back). I can recall one evening when my friend's younger siblings instigated a pea-flinging fight and I did not participate - it seemed so stupid. (Plus, since I hated peas and didn't have any on my plate, my arsenal was weak). If I had been at home, there would have been peas on my plate (not by my choosing) and who knows what might have happened!
Hofhombre, excuse me, how old are your sons? They will certainly grow out of this.
My boys are 7, 2 and 11 months. They are generally mild-mannered but are nevertheless boys.
I insist that they try everything they are served, refrain from making negative comments about the food, ask to be excused when they are finished, thank the person who prepared the meal, and clear their own plates.
OK, the 7 year old has to do that. The 2 year old has to stay in his seat at the table for longer than 30 seconds; when he starts pouring the contents of his cup into his plate, he's done.
The 11 month old has to sit in his high chair, look cute, and get some of his food in his mouth as opposed to in his hair and ears.
Needless to say this is quite a challenge to pull off and we're working on it. Before I had kids I had very high criteria for kid behavior. I laugh at those criteria now. The other day I caught myself saying to my son, "I'd like for you to behave like a human child." Ha ha ha (nervous twitchy laugh with eye tic).
your post was so cute Hof!! Thank you for the peek into your world.
Hofhombre, I am going to face the challenges of shaping a human out of a little boy too. :) Our son is 14 months. So far he behaves the same way his sister used to behave at his age, and I find the rules above simply "n/a" for him. Once on the floor at a restaurant he would rock his stroller, grab people's belongings and howl. Sitting on my lap, he grabs my food that is often hot. However he cannot misbehave on purpose and start a pea-fight, so I don't mention him here.
And oh, there are adults who can teach your child bad manners! I recall our daughter being about 2 years old, sitting in a high chair at a fancy restaurant in Neuchatel (Switzerland) when a lady at the table next to us pulled a heart-chaped waffel out of her ice cream and proposed it to our daughter.
The next blow we got from our daughter's Canadian Senior Kindergarten teacher. :) This lady tought the 5- and 6-year olds to express their satisfaction with food by rubbing their belies with circular movements (in my childhood, I was told to do that to ease a bowel movement), licking their lips, twirling eyes and saying "Yum! Yum!" I am not snooty, but I think children at that age, even bilingual, may use a more advanced vocabulary to describe the tastes they feel.
P.S. Telling you about the antics of my younger I don't want to say that people should consider his behavior cute. I just point out that we should not expect good table manners from a toddler, and this is 100 % the parents' responsibility to control him/her like holding in their arms etc.
I think it is also the responsibility of the parents of small children to take said small children to child-appropriate places until they are ready to eat quietly with the grownups. Just pulling a screaming child into your lap is not solving the problem if the child keeps screaming. And Im not saying that you have to restrict your outings to Chuck-e-Cheeze for the first 6 years of the kid's life -- just, please, dont take an unpredictable toddler to a nice quiet upscale restaurant and expect the other patrons to find his food flinging and tantrums "cute". What ever happened to babysitters? Yes, I know they charge by the hour and they are expensive, but if you can afford to eat in a fancy restaurant, do us all a favor and factor in a few hours of "nanny time" into the budget.
Cheflambo, we do so when going to both upscale and quiet places.
And for those who are very sensitive to the kids' presence there are restaurants that just don't allow any children under 12 in. The eliminates all the possible problems.
However, there are enough of fancy and noisy places. And it would be a pitty to leave our kids with somebody just to "enjoy" the squeaks of the others' toddler instead.
By the way, that Place d'Halles in Neuchatel is in a 500 years old corn exchange house with a very specific acoustics. And that time our daughter behaved like an angel (maybe that's why the lady decided to give her a treat).
I do hear you there. The only place we take our kids to is the diner around the corner, and we always go really early. There's young families all over the place there, and there's enough ambient noise so that the kids' chatter doesn't make any difference. We wouldn't dream of hauling our boys into any restaurant more upscale than a Friday's (ugh).
Yaaay to your both! Glad to hear you're using good judgement in these situations. You sound like good parents that will teach your children good manners. Its a tough job, I know.
My parents felt that the only way we would learn restaurant manners was to take us there. That said, we ate at casual dining places until we were old enough to understand what was expected of us. As we reached a certain age, we were each taken (without siblings) to a "nice" restaurant as a grown up treat and as a chance to demonstrate our "grown up" manners.
I think a really important part of all of this is to respect your child. Especially if they are very young. Why take a tired baby/toddler to a restaurant? If you're breaking your kid's routine so you can enjoy a restaurant, I don't think that's fair (unless, of course he/she is young enough to sleep in his stroller or carrier and can sleep through noise.) We all have to remember that kids can't say, "Y'know, I'm tired and my head hurts. Let's wrap this up quickly and head home." -The only way they can communicate is to cry and yell. If a kid is screaming like a maniac, something's probably wrong, right?
Yeah, that's one of my pet peeves. Can't tell you how many times I've been in a Wal-Mart at 10 PM after my kids are long in bed only to see some pathetic toddler being dragged around by a parent. The child is obviously exhausted, out way past bedtime. The parent angrily yells at the child for not "behaving". Makes me want to cry, too.
We give lip service to children in this country but they are really the LEAST "respected" entities in our society. We can't even manage to give them all health care, for Pete's sake.
Frankly, most ill behaved children i've seen out in restaurants are often very much above the age of a toddler, and whose attention span should be far greater. And yes, i'd probably expect a bit of this at a family restaurant, but not upscale. However, even at a chain type place, i don't go out so that I can babysit your kids while they run around a restaurant. Please don't let your child glare at me over the top of a banquet, this is only cute for five minutes...and in even less time if the kid is picking their nose. I honestly don't know how waitstaff do it sometimes in those places, it must be like running an obstacle course.
ANY screaming child of any age should be removed by a parent. Waiting out and ignoring a tantrum to curb the behaviour is fine at home, but i don't want my eardrums pierced open. A couple of times i've nearly leapt out of my skin when this has happened out somewhere.
And as for the OP, if someone came to my house and flicked food anywhere, they better be prepared to clean it off the floor !!!
All this being said, i've seen some VERY well mannered and well behaved children out in restaurants, this is easier for some parents and children than others, after all some are meek and mild and some are not !! But i admire it when i see it.
I suspect that these types of children, are also children who know how to entertain themselves at home, and will not go off the deep end if they have to pass the time with something other than a game boy in tow.
I took a flight recently and there was a woman with two young children, maybe 4 yrs old or younger....each of them had a nintendo DS. Blackberry users in training. It was a one hour flight.
And yes, i have no kids, but i do have neices and nephews i'm very close to , and i genuinely love children. But i gotta say, for a single gal.....sometimes going to a restaurant is just as good as birth control , lol, good for maternal urges.
(on another side note, i do have a dog and don't let her crawl all over guests at my table and such things other people seem to let their pets do...and believe me, she's quite the heathen !!...people sometimes say "awww poor doggie" to me too when I order her away from diners, so i can KINDA relate to being made to feel anal)
I'd bet that kid would be happy to eat his peas if his parents had the guts to send him to bed with no dinner AT ALL.
Hunger can be an excellent motivator. Maybe a lawyer can chime in here: does sending a kid to bed with no supper count as "child abuse." More importantly, can they sue for "mental anguish?"
Excellent article, thanks so much! We struggle with that too -- we have 4 children -- girls aged18, 10, and twin 8 year old boys. Our method for ensuring good table manner are to teach them early there are 3 levels of manner ---
mommy manners (which are used at home and a bit more lax but still include utensils, no elbows, closed mouths, reasonable conversation topics, volume and word choices, and clearing the table),
grandparent manners (to include things the above plus things like please/thank you, asking to be excused, etc), and
princess (prince) manners (to include the above plus things like rising when ladies arrive/depart, proper and full service utensil use and bread/butter knife comportment, quiet voices etc)
The reward to the kids for all this is they get to go with us when we "go out" and are invited when we go on lovely vacations (like Tahiti, cruises, etc) but if their manners are poor when out and about they are reminded poor table manners = no invitations to grownup vacations. And the little ones know we mean that because their 18 year old sister did not heed us and regetted it. When she was 12 we took her on a very upscale Med. cruise; her manners were poor so we had her eat dinner in the stateroom rather than subject all the other diners to a whiny, annoying pre-teen. She wasnt invited along with us again for 2 years, until she shaped up.
So, in short, we let them be kids (tho generally civilised ones) when at home, a little more civilised when with family, and only expect the 100% manners when others' feelings/dinner/evenings are involved. Plus we give them plenty of practice and guidance while they are learning. Hope it works on all of them!
I never had manners defined by whom I was with. My parents figured good manners happened with everyone adn everywhere and taguht me that right quick. I expected good manners of my students, whether or not their parents enforced any. I demand good manners from my nephews.
Parents who walk around saying "Yeah, wait till you get yours" and assuming that non-parents never have to behaviorally correct children just don't get it. I wonder how many strangers see thier kids and shudder.
It isn't a hard concept, although it may be a little work to enforce, and yes, you risk your child being "upset" and "sad" and "angry at you." Deal, your the parents. It's YOUR job.
Do what my parents did. When we were very little and first testing things out, when we misbehaved in a shop orat dinner out we were INSTANTLY removed from the place and told IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that the behavior was utterly unacceptable and stopped then and there or else. Trust me, there was an "or else" and it was no fun. ONce, even though I had stopped my really awful behavior (I think I was throwing peas), my mother made me go around and apologize.
Also, my parents MODELED good behavior and manners at home. Why should they ask me to do something they didn't? Knives and forks were used and held properly. Conversation was at a reasonable level and avoided certain topics, food went from plate to mouth with no other side or return journies. "Excuse me" and "please", and "thank you" were mandatory. Screaming was not an option.
It sounds awful, but actually, dinners at my house were a really pleasant time. We all ate together every night (something that also seems to be a waning practice) and we all talked about our day and everything. My friends loved to come over. We were all treated with respect, treated others with respect, and it felt great!
We were also welcomed in many fine establishments because we weren't little maniacle monsters.
If you expect "100%" manners at all times, demonstrate them yourself, enforce and back up your parenting properly, then your children will become joys to everyone, and soon discover the benefits of acting like a cultured human being and not a little barbarain on a pillaging spree.
Hi, Diana: Wow. You were expected to observeAND you expect everyone around you to observe 100% table manners of every kind at ALL times? Full Russian service at dinner each night, pulling the chair out for ladies, please and thankyou with each small service performed, butter knives and cloth napkins and signalling your plate to be cleared by placement of your utensil on your plate every day, at all times, even at dinner at home? Even at Applebees or the local diner? And ALL your friends growing up did it too? Wow. I'm impressed. I grew up in a pretty heirarchal, genteel, and formal environment and continue to live in one to this day and I have never been able to approach THAT. All I can say is "my word"; hats off .
Damn straight.
No, even at Applebees (why the Hell woudl a Chowhound go there?!) I would obeserve, be expected to observe,and hope others observed, the best of table manners. It is respect for your fellow diners, more than anything. Why would one place be better than another. The co diners at a taco stand deserve to have co diners use manners.
I don't know how my friends acted in their homes and outside of my house. Read my post, dear. I said they liked to visit our house where manners were observed. My parents expected us to behave well no matter where we were, be it dining or just visiting a place. Every parent should.
Now, of course, in terms of napkins and silverware , Carla, you are confusing "manners and etiquette" with "formal dining". This is a common mistake. For some reason, certain people think of manners and the type of formal dining in "Gosford park" fills their heads.Cloth napkins, different utensils for each course and such are NOT manners, that is a fancy dinner. Manners and Etiquette are a way of behaving, and are quite portable. Proper comportment is what you do, formal dining is just a style of eating involving table layout and dress.
You and your kids can use proper manners when eating with plastic forks. Even if eating a cuisine which dictates using your hands-asparagus, Ethiopian and so one, one should still use good manners, the best manners.
But to go back to the ORIGINAL question; would the poster be as angry if the child had hollered "I LOVE Broccoli! This is the BEST BROCCOLI EVER!" Well, really, she should, as hollering at the table isn't really nice, but even I would smile and give that kid latitude.
I'm a parent of three who believes that teaching kids manners is a complete no-brainer. In my neck of the woods, I have yet to see any parents who sit at the table with their children and have a meal together. The kids eat at the counter/small table, and the adults (parents) eat later in front of the TV. No wonder the kids sound and act like pigs when they go anywhere.
We have dinner at our table using cloth napkins (usually) and with the table casually set, unless it's a holiday or we're having guests. Then it's more formal, and the children get excited to be able to help set the table with the nice china and such. The children are not intimidated by this because they are accustomed to it.
When their friends come over, these kids chew with their mouths open, talk with their mouths full, smack their food, slurp their drinks, and bite their utensils. This bad behavior is not limited to any particular socio-economic group either. All groups can be full of piggish children and their neglectful parents.
All it takes is modeling good behavior and reminding children that eating is a behavior that we share with animals, but that we don't want to take our meals like they do. As far as new or undesirable foods, we have the "one bite rule" in our house. It works very well in getting them to try new things and also lets them know that they aren't being judged because they don't like something. I think forcing them to take three bites of something is too harsh. Forced feeding, anyone?
I would have no problem telling a parent to remove their child from the room if they came to my house and let their "precious angel" act like a f**king beast. This doesn't mean that a two-year-old should know his forks at a dinner party, but I think you know what I mean.
My ex-mother -in-law had a fabulous picture of her kids having "restaurant night" at home. She certainly enforced proper manners (please, thank you, no picking teeth, appropriate conversational topics, no playing with your food) at home, but she also understood that more formal occasions offer some complications. So she set a table at home, had the kids dress up, and served them dinner as if she were a waitress. They practiced giving their "order" to the waitress and making sure they kept their arms at their sides while she was pouring water, learned which were the salad fork and bread knife and so on. A very exciting event for a child, and then they were ready for dinner out at a proper restaurant.
While working a Sunday morning brunch at a restaurant that did not allow the use of trays, I came around a corner with a handful of carefully balanced balloon glasses (the big ones) and a 5 year old, (we had asked the parents several times to keep seated), ran right into my legs causing me to drop both of the glasses in my left hand on the woman in the booth next to me. Oh, I forgot to mention the drinks were bloody marys. That's what happens when parents let their kids run around like little animals. So, to those who say to keep ill-mannered kids out of fine dining establishments and only bring them to places like Friday's or Applebees, this was a Friday's and that defense didn't work very well for the woman wearing the bloody marys. Your kids don't have to be angels, just please be respectful of those around you when taking your kids anywhere.
I go to restaraunts and see little 5-7 year old running to the counter looking at desserts and running back and then butting you in the stomach and not saying sorry. I always look over to the screaming kids and then I say, "Was I ever like that?" I suppose so, everyone might have been too. Why can't people teach their kids manners?
Picture this:
A formal dinner party with 4 friends on a Saturday night. One friend brings pound cake, another brings salad and vinegrette, and one comes with broccili and green beans. You provide anything that came to your mind.
A five year old sits by your friend and chews with his/her mouth open and smacks. SLURP! As though the night couldn't get any worse, the broccili is passed around. The five year old gets a hold of it and just screams, "I HaTE BROCCILI!" You put your head in your hands and leave the table. You come back after 10 minutes and sit down.
Your mother/friend is giving a speach to her child. Is this worl going to the dogs or what?