stories : Table Manners
 |
Joined at the HipIt’s bad manners for couples to form social units |
Dear Helena,
My friend just got into a relationship after a two-year dry spell, and it really annoys me how he’s glued to his new girlfriend. Whenever I invite him to something, he brings her. When I see them at parties, they’re always standing side by side. Don’t you think it’s a bit lame for a couple to hang out together at a party, like the whole thing is just a backdrop for their date? —Suspicious of Codependent Romance
Dear Suspicious of Codependent Romance,
If one or both members of a couple don’t know anyone at a party, it’s OK for them to stick together (though not literally; a little PDA goes a long way). It’s not much fun to go to your partner’s office Christmas party and attempt to strike up conversations with strangers while he or she gossips with colleagues. But when both partners know people, they should split up when they mingle, at least for some of the evening. If the occasion is a dinner party, they might be seated separately anyway, as per traditional etiquette. In the absence of a seating plan, couples may consider sitting apart of their own accord.
Away from their lovers, people may unveil interesting new sides of themselves. I have a friend who lets her husband tell all their stories, gazing at him fondly as he talks. When not by her spouse’s side, she reveals a mordant wit. Alone, individuals may confide things they might not share in front of their partners. Recently at a party, another friend told me all about how her two-year-old keeps hitting her and shouting, “I want time out!” When she puts him in his playpen, he screams, “I don’t want time out!” The story gave me a fuller picture of parenthood than when she and her husband showed me pictures of their cherub on his cell phone.
In my view, singles always improve a party, providing a magic ingredient I call “single person energy” (SPE). When partners socialize separately, this unlocks their latent SPE. Like single people, they have to make more social effort because they can’t use their partner as a crutch. They can also indulge in harmless flirting, and a little sexual tension usually improves a party. (Caution: Not everyone is comfortable letting his or her partner flirt, however innocently. A quarrel will decidedly not improve the party.)
If couples drift apart during the evening, they should check back in from time to time to ward off feelings of insecurity or neglect. A kiss on the cheek and a warm “Are you having fun?” also lets potential suitors know that the person is attached.
At the end of the evening, the couple will be glad they managed to part for a while. They even may find each other sexier. Esther Perel, a marriage therapist and author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, says: “Every time you ask people, ‘When do you find yourself most drawn to your partner?’ it’s when they’re at a party or in a social situation. Looking at your partner as a separate person that other people may covet and find interesting is very regenerative.” At the very least, both halves of the couple have had a chance to gather anecdotes and gossip, giving them something new to talk about on the way home.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
out of food-related topics?
Wow, this is truly awful advice. If I ever caught you "harmlessly" flirting with my SO, you'd definitely have an anecdote to tell at your next swingers' party.
What's this got to do with food? At least make up something interesting if you've run out of legitimate questions.
Seriously. Why is this column moving from food manners to dating advice?
In my experience, "single person energy" consists of people whining crying into their chardonnay about how all the good men/women are taken.
Are hosts really so anal that they take it as an affront that guests don't mingle? If they're enjoying eachother's company, WTF CARES?
If I wanted relationship advice, I'd read Dan Savage's column.
I think the column was interesting, on the mark, and the above posters are spoil-sports. Every week, the same bunch of complainers. If you don't like the column, people, don't read it!
I, for one, have been on both ends of this situation, been accused of being too couple-y, and really disliked it when other couples refuse to be parted. As a recently married person, in a relationship for 3 years before getting married, I love the opportunity to talk with other people with my husband in my viewing orbit, but not close enough to hear that I might be talking about him. Even banal stories sound scandalous when you overhear them being told about yourself, so it's important that he scoots away sometimes. Plus I totally agree that seeing your SO across the room makes them a little new and special again. Definitely reignites the spark.
Ditto what keslacye says. I think party etiquette is an appropriate topic for this column, and I think Helena makes some good points.
I think "Suspicious of Codependent Romance" would be singing s different tune if HE/SHE had a girl/boyfriend too.
And ditto PlatypusJ -- I read this twice to be sure I hadn't missed anything but .... just WHAT does this have to do with food?
Well, the title of the column is Table Manners, so you could interpret their behavior as rudeness.
Or you could accuse Suspicious of Codependent Romance of being a jealous.... I believe the term rhymes with "witch."
What do I think? I think that advising a married person to engage in flirting is very bad advice, indeed.
Traditional Dinner Party Etiquette in late 19th and early 20th century England had it as a HUGE Faux pas to seat couples together! Couples, married and such, were always sat seperately at the table. This is how hosts were to inspire interesting dinner conversation. Flirting was part of it. Then again, everyone was sitting at the same long table.
After the meal, the women would go into one room for tea and sweets, and the men would go into another for smelly cigars and scotch or port.
I've done both clinging to my husband and mingling at parties, and I agree, it depends upon how well you know people and how shy I feel at the time. Usually I mingle now, but I had to sorta come out of my shell.
Or perhaps I was dragged to a party I really didn't want to go to. He's learned to not do that.
Well if we are going to discuss seating arrangements at dinner parties, I think it is a good idea for couples to be separated. Conversation with strangers helps everyone get to know everyone else a lot better, and sticking with your spouse will make you seems shy even if you're not. Especially in business-social situations, you need to be able to hold up your end of a conversation with someone other than your spouse, who should also steer you towards others he/she thinks might have something in common with you to chat about. Class reunions are an exception to this, IMHO. No one who was not IN the celebrating class should have to go unless he/she wants to, or knows enough people from the previous reunion to feel comfortable.
The direction this discussion is taking reminds me of a putative dictum I once heard to the effect that you can tell what class people are from by watching two couples get into a car together.
Lower class: men in front, women in back.
Middle class: one couple in front, the other in back.
Upper class: mixed couples (husband A and wife B in front, vice versa in back).
I'm not saying I buy it but it is an intriguing thought, and could be used as a conversation starter if you should find yourself at a party with strangers and your SO has wandered off.
BobB -- VERY Interesting theory. Im lunching with my more strident etiquette maven friends today, and Im going to toss this out for discussion.
I'm neither here nor there with the topic or the advice in general, but the masthead reading "food, drink, fun" indicates that this topic overlaps into at least one, if not two or more of them. (I read this as being a dinner or cocktail situation.) But, I am pretty well aghast at how many commenters have been so horrified by the suggestion that innocent flirtations are perfectly appropriate and, in fact, beneficial and called for in social situations. Mountains of relationship advice suggests such behaviors is pretty much essential to any healthy and sexually-charged long-term relationship. Woe to anyone who hosts a dinner party with such violently jealous tempers and garden-variety sticks-in-the-mud as some posters here. Talk about a faux pas.
Chowsmurf - Perhaps it's a generational issue? Younger folks weaned on casual hookups and "friends with benefits" may be less offended/irritated about public flirtatiousness and PDAs. Although one would think that boomers who grew up as free-loving hippies, swingers, and partner-swappers would be a little more understanding of such behaviors. Either way, I go to parties for good food and interesting conversation, not for lessons in the mating habits of middle class narcissists.
Next.
Helena, you can't possibly be out of topics or "questions"! This is silly.
I have an idea! Tell one there is a costume party at one place, then tell the one you want to go with alone to go to the real party. Ta-da! Problem solved for a couple of hours.
I would be quite angry if my husband and I were not given the option and were forced to be seated separately at a gathering. If we are going out to do something together, I would at least like the choice of us being together. Even if we do interact with different people at such a function, we enjoy being next to each other while doing so.
Then again, I'm not usually much of one for small talk with strangers; there are times where I'll meet someone and we'll really hit it off, but for the most part, I just find it tedious, uninteresting, and a poor investment of my time. Being forced to spend an entire evening socializing with complete strangers would not make me feel very warm and fuzzy to my host.
I have been a big critic of a couple of previous posts. On this one I think Helena was pretty close to the mark. Couples should obviously not be ripped apart from each other in a forceful contrived manner. Even in staid Victorian dinner parties, they were seated close enough to each other that they could still be part of the same conversation at the dinner party.
It is one of the traditional jobs of the host to get their guests to mingle. If couples are not mature enough to recognize "innocent flirting" for what it is, and not a threat to their relationship, they probably need advice not available in this or any other website. On the other hand a party should not be an excuse to actively avoid your partner/date.
At parties, I try to make it a point to have enough fun to not notice if couples are being Klingons or not. But if you flirt with my husband right in front of me, don't be too surprised if you have a 'small run of bad luck'. Kindly make sure I'm not a witness first.
I admit that I'm insecure, but realistic enough to know it goes on, no biggie. I flirt myself, at times. But if you're tacky enough to do it in my presence, which I'd never do to you, well, I pity the fool, as Mr. T said.
I think the idea of seating couples away from each other at dinner parties is a great idea. It forces people to mingle and talk more with people other than your SO. I mean, I see DH all the time. Do i want to be joined at the hip with him when we're in social situations? Not particularly. Do I spend time with him in social situations? Of course. However, I also want to get to talk to other people. I've been to parties where I was separated from DH and we both handled ourselves pretty well. And we're both considered introverts.
About the whole idea of flirting -- I guess that depends on what your definition of flirting is. Some people's definition of flirting extends to just freakin' talking to somebody. With regards to others flirting with your SO, I think the most important thing is how he or she reacts to the flirting. For example, we were at a party where this other woman started intertwining her legs around my boyfriend (now husband). She didn't mean anything by it as I know she's a pretty touchy-feel woman, and was doing this in front of her husband. My boyfriend looked like he was uncomfortable and wanted her off of him. So it didn't bother me in the very least. Now, it would have been a totally different story if he was further instigating this.
"Woe to anyone who hosts a dinner party with such violently jealous tempers and garden-variety sticks-in-the-mud as some posters here. Talk about a faux pas."
ROFLMAO
I suppose this all has to do with who you are and what you are comfortable with- I've gone to parties where my shy SO has needed me to help bring him into conversations and/or meet people or else he would be standing next to the food all evening long. In other situations, he is fine mingling on his own. (and vice versa) We don't feel the need to check up on each other. However, I think I would be offended if I knew a host was purposefully separating us and really offended if it was for the purpose of encouraging flirting. Yes, people go to parties to find potential dates but they also go to parties just to have fun and meet new people.
Mike G... my thoughts entirely!
I have been peeing myself with laughter reading some of the bed-wetting responses on here.
Legitimate topic?
Of course it is.
monkeyrotica, I don't think it's a generational issue at all -- as people have pointed out, separating couples goes back to at least Victorian times. Flirting doesn't mean "coming on to" -- it simply means showing a positive personal interest. I know people who "flirt" with people of either sex in a business situation as a way of creating a "seduction" that has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with creating a connection where someone feels positively towards you and whatever you're trying to sell. Flirting doesn't necessarily have anything to do with any actual intent or even interest in "hooking up." Maybe it is a generational issue, though, with the "free love" generation reading sex into every interaction.
To my way of thinking, the most innocent flirting with my husband (or by my husband) is done in front of me. Frankly, anyone who would leer at my husband in front of me is someone that I would pity and he would find in bad taste. I wouldn’t feel threatened. If my husband can be “lured away” from me, well, then, then good riddance to him.
There’s a difference between flirting with someone and hitting on someone just like there’s a difference between looking at someone who is easy on the eyes and leering at that same person.
Someone else referenced the importance of his response in the equation. I agree heartily. Intent is another issue. One poster mentioned a woman twining her ankles around her (the poster’s) SO’s ankles. I think that indicates intent beyond flirtation.
There’s a difference between flirting with someone and hitting on someone. Flirting isn’t necessarily about getting into someone’s undergarments.
Ruth Lafler said: “Flirting doesn't mean "coming on to" -- it simply means showing a positive personal interest.” I agree. I don’t know anyone who flrts more than my gay guy friends, and I’m fairly certain that they are not coming on to me, a woman.
"Someone else referenced the importance of his response in the equation. I agree heartily. Intent is another issue. One poster mentioned a woman twining her ankles around her (the poster’s) SO’s ankles. I think that indicates intent beyond flirtation."
I think you're talking about my post. Everybody is different with how touchy feely they are. I really didn't sense intent on her part and didn't think it was that big of a deal. But we all differ in our tolerances, I guess. Some people get jealous when they see their SO just talking to somebody of the opposite sex (or the same -- whatever your orientation is). I was once talking to this guy at a beach party when his girlfriend came over and and said, "Hello. I'm his GIRLFRIEND."
But you're right -- intent is very important.
I suppose this whole question of whether couples should stick together at a party is interesting, but I'm much more concerned about SoCR.
"My friend just got into a relationship after a two-year dry spell, and it really annoys me how he’s glued to his new girlfriend. Whenever I invite him to something, he brings her."
The dude likes his new girlfriend, SoCR doesn't, and it is putting a damper on the friendship, cramping their style. It happens all the time. I don't think the problem lies in the basics of party etiquette - it's more about how young adults (I'm assuming, here) make the transition from bachelorhood to couplehood.