stories : Table Manners
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Stop Broadcasting Your Social LifeTwittering on your digital device |
Dear Helena,
A few weeks ago, I went to a friend’s house for dinner. While the host cooked, the guests chatted—all but one. He was busy Twittering on his iPhone. I was miffed. It probably took a dozen emails for all the guests to agree on a date for the dinner. With all the work it had taken to schedule our get-together, I felt that we should savor it. Is it OK to Twitter when you’re at a dinner party, or a bar or restaurant? —Be Here Now
Dear Be Here Now,
First, let me explain for the uninitiated: Twitter is a service that lets you send short messages (“tweets”) via cell phone, instant message, or the Twitter website. You can make your tweet public by publishing it on the company website, or make it available only to your network of friends. Unlike a text, it can hit your whole group of contacts at once. Typically, tweets are banal antidotes to loneliness concerning hangovers, commutes, or the weather. Since Twitter launched in March 2006, its popularity has been growing among tech-savvy types.
Although most people would generally agree that making a call on your cell phone during dinner is wrong, and that sending a text message is less impolite because it’s silent but is also wrong, Twitter is new enough that the etiquette surrounding it hasn’t been established.
Galen Krumel, a software developer in Palo Alto, California, thinks Twittering in company is verboten. “It’s analogous to sending texts or writing emails or making phone calls. … Usually I wait until I’m on my own.”
But unlike calling or texting, Twittering is not a two-way conversation. Rather than being a distraction from the present, a tweet shows a hyperawareness of the moment, some people contend. Nicole Solis, a bluegrass mandolin player in San Francisco, says: “Twitter makes you think about what you’re doing and what’s interesting about it.” Solis says she may Twitter if she’s somewhere particularly glamorous. For instance, she has Twittered: “I’m eating at a restaurant that’s not even open yet.”
So Twittering in company could be a compliment, a sign that you think where you are or whom you’re with is cool. Some of my friends carry little notebooks with them to jot ideas in. I’m always gratified when they write down something I’ve said. It could be similarly validating when someone thinks you’ve said something pithy enough to Twitter (something “twithy,” as it were).
But in practice, if a friend is being truly entertaining, you won’t want to interrupt the conversational flow so you can publish his aperçus. Besides, if people know that you Twitter when someone says something particularly amusing, they may be insulted if you don’t. After a friend explained why she had Twittered while we were hanging out together in a bar, I spent the rest of the evening straining to say something twithy. When she didn’t get out her phone again, I felt piqued.
I decided to see for myself whether Twittering could flatter. I had two friends over for dinner. We had a great time, but no one uttered any Twitter-worthy bons mots. I thought they might take it as a compliment if I just Twittered about what we were up to. But they raised their eyebrows when I got out my phone. I wrote: “Just had dinner with two dear friends. Empty plates, full minds.” They weren’t impressed.
I planned to continue my Twitter research over the weekend, but on Saturday night I went to a bar and drank too many apple martinis. On Sunday I cooked dinner at a friend’s house, then got so wrapped up in playing with his four-year-old, I again forgot to Twitter. Maybe Twittering isn’t the sincerest form of flattery after all. If you’re really interested in whom you’re with and what you’re doing, you’re not thinking about broadcasting it to your network.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
maybe that's why they call it TWITter
No kidding. I really just do not get this.
I definitely agree with Helena on this one: I'd my friends and family pay attention to me instead of ignoring me and Twittering about it. It's just another short-lived craze that will likely be dead within a year anyways.
errr... I'd *rather*. Ooops.
Really mature post there, Toodie.
Since Helena's description of Twitter only made things even more confusing, I'll do my best to simplify. Twitter is a micro-blog You can post from a computer or your phone, and the only requirement of it is that the post is 140 characters or less. Think of it as the "Wish you were here!" postcard in digital form, or maybe 21st century haiku. As Twitters sent from your phone are sent via SMS, it does count as sending a text message.
Etiquette regarding texted Twitters is already established. Twitter messages aren't some special new form of text message, it's just as much a text message as any other. As such, Twitter follows the same rules as any other text, which follows the same rules as being on the phone; be as discreet as possible with it. If you're in a group at a restaurant, excuse yourself and head for the bar or the foyer. If you can't get up for some reason, don't make a big scene of what you're doing like Helena did to her two poor friends who tried to figure out what she was doing. Bars are a much more relaxed social environment; it's easier to excuse yourself to the bar area to take care of a phone call or text when you're already in the bar, n'est-çe pas? Still, it's best to remember that your attention should be on the people you are with. Save the texting for when there isn't much going on.
I don't think this is really that tricky - all the host needs to do is politely say to the guest "Would you mind putting away your phone - I'd really like to introduce you to X". If you're at a dinner party or other social gathering, and you're not a teenager, it's not acceptable to call/text throughout, and no matter how new the technology, most people should know that, so I wouldn't be afraid to confront someone about it.
You know, forget new "etiquette for iphones" and the like.
you are invited to a party. You are sitting with real, living people. It is increadibly rude to sit there engaged in text messaging. Pay attention to the people you are with.
Would you bring an uninvited friend to a party to stand behind you so you can comment on the comments or food? Of course not. Would you bring a television to listen to a game? No.
Many bars and restaraunts in LA are not imposing "no cell phone" policies, and I agree with them. Frankly, let's make that "No electronic devices activated at the table" policy.
Remember when you were a kid? Did your Momma let you bring toys to the table? No. You learned the art of enjoying your food and conversing with the people you happened to be seated with. This is called manners and human interaction.
IF you so deperately have to focus on a cold machine, go OUTSIDE or just save all the comments you DESPERATELY have to text till you leave. If you can't remember them, were they all that interesting or worth texting? Probably not.
Furthermore, shouldn't you comment on interesting food or conversation with the party at hand?
Frankly, I think the rude idiot was showing off. The hostess should have told him to go twitter himself in the bathroom. All the moron was doing was demonstrating he'd rather be somewhere else, with someone else...or that he thought he was "kewl" with his new i-phone.
this reminds me of a guest at Christmas party two years ago, who spent the entire evening wandering around 'bopping' to his ipod; plugged tightly into his ears and not socializing w/ the other guests. Needless to say, this person was never invited back to any events hosted by the hostess.
Some people are so incredibly rude. Get out there and mingle or go home and TWITter!
i am pretty blunt with friends who are device-obsessed during times like this. "Can you stop? it's rude. thanks".
Friends usually feel like crap about it if you speak up, almost like they were caught, because sometimes they forget it's rude.
just speak up.
Twittering is obviously for twits. If you cant disconnect from your electronic umbilicus for a few hours to enjoy (and return) the attention of your friends in your physical presence, you should just stay home with your toys. As a mature adult, I wouldn't even consider such a thing.
I had a friend that would constantly be texting, or even taking calls when we were out together. Since I usually picked up the tab, I started to feel like I was being used for the free meal. We aren't friends anymore, and I have very little tolerance for this crap.
People don't do this around me. If someone did, well, my attitude is:
(1) Your loss, and
(2) Won't happen twice.
This is a no brainer. I mean why is this activity even being discussed? You are at a social event. Except for emergencies, no phones, no ipods, no telegraphs, no semaphores, no smoke signals, nothing at all. That person who was twittering at a dinner party would never be invited back again if it were my party.
Why does it take most people two or three sentences to provide common-sense answers, but it takes Helena eight long paragraphs to hem and haw?
I dunno, are the bloggers on here paid?
Would it be inappropriate to plant a fork in the head of the twitterer?
I agree with Mawrter. It's their loss, if they are not enjoying the moment they are living and the company of the people who are around. Ultimately this is a very capitalist way of dealing with our social life. "I always want more!" Instead of enjoying what we have going on right there, we can't resist the possibility of being connected to other people who potentially could be more interesting.
I personally refuse to get into this kind of crap, the "modern society anxiety". Sometimes I even leave my cell phone at home when I go out because I don't want to be bothered by unimportant text messaging from my anxious friends.
I get the impression that this column is not so much for Helena to make judgments as for Helena to stir up lively commentary. Is she overly verbose? That's open to debate. She may feel it's necessary to set up the conditions for the commentary.
Her twittering was in the nature of an experiment, not out of habit, and she got the data she needed. Her friends did find it rude.
I'm quite tech savvy, and let me tell you- Twitter is absolutely the most stupid thing I've ever heard of.
hey i someone invents something stupid piss heads will always buy it
when the dummies are twiting or what a good beat down is in order
Whether you're chatting, texting or twittering, it is rude to remove your attention from those in your company in order to have non-urgent conversations via portable devices. This sudden need for constant connectivity is all about social anxiety in an age of cyber-reality and a lack of appreciation for what's real. I can't understand those people who will make plans with friends and spend the majority of the time with some device in their hand, either taking pictures to email to others (immediately) or sending banal comments, such as "I'm @ the cafe with so-and-so, whatcha up to?". This tells the person they are with that they do not hold their attention, and that they are keeping their social options open. It's rude and immature no matter what you call it. Doesn't anybody ever just check their email in the morning, meet up with a friend for lunch (with the ringer off), and return any missed calls/texts later on? I'm 32 yrs. old and fairly tech-savvy. And I am apalled at the lack of courtesy and social tact of much of my generation.
Akitist, her twittering "experiment" was done more to bolster the opinion she already formed. A properly done experiment requires the experimenter to not try to skew the results one way or the other. The way she sent the twitter was just plain tacky.
To those of you resorting to name-calling, thinking twitterers are twits: What the hell, are we all back in fourth grade or something? Grow up. You're giving the rest of the Chowhounds a bad name by not giving commentary that is even close to intelligent. Posters like Toodie Jane, Cheflambo, and foodperv make me want to use this site less just so I don't have to put up with someone's inane drivel.
JK Grence probably twitters.
Although, I have to agree that foodperv's incoherent posts bring zero insight to this site.
Indeed..... please do not include me in any category that includes Foodperv. Thanks.
I honestly do not see the appeal of Twittering. Are people so self involved that now they feel that their every thought is worthy of broadcasting to the world? Who thinks they are that "deep" or interesting? And if you truely have something profound to say, why not say it to the people you are with? People have become robots, just buying into whatever stupid "technology" that comes along.
Maybe the Twitterer found the conversation boring. Maybe they had nothing interesting to say. If the host doesn't have a problem with it, who is Be Here Now to tell them otherwise? Who's more selfish, the one Twittering or the one who demands mandatory participation?
When I have lots of people over, there's always going to be a few who don't really feel like participating, for whatever reason. Fine. I don't invite them over again. Problem solved.
thatgirl153 - Please replace "Twittering" with "posting to Chowhound" and your post becomes quite amusing. Aren't you broadcasting your thoughts to the world? Why aren't you sharing your thoughts with the people you're with? Is the technology you're using RIGHT NOW that different that Twitter? Is it also stupid?
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omg, monkeyrotica, that was amazing.
Although I am somewhat grateful to Helena for enlightening me to this new-fangled thing known as "twittering", I fail to see how it is any different to texting. Both tasks are extremely rude in a social situation, as is talking on a cell phone.
[We don't all need to hear your self-important conversation. We were hiking Fryman Canyon the other day and some selfish dingbat was having a conversation on speaker, for cying out loud! ]
Actually, to return to the topic at hand, I'll just second JK Grence's great post, upthread.
ditto to vvvindaloo -- It's comforting to know that other people are keeping a grasp on good manners in this age of 24/7 electronic connectivity.
He really would NOT put away his phone? You have to be kidding me! I think that is rather rude for a dinner party. I have no simpathy for anything he is going through, but I think that he might as well blend in with the crowd.