stories : Table Manners
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Did She Really Just Say That?When relatives drink and embarrass you |
Dear Helena,
We are going to my wife’s parents’ home for Thanksgiving, and I am dreading it. They are good cooks and there is plenty to drink. The problem is my sister-in-law. She always drinks too much. One time she tripped over the dog and had to be put to bed with an ice pack on her ankle. Another time she cornered me in the kitchen and gave me a wet, sloppy kiss on the lips, almost like she was trying to make out with me. At the dinner table, she makes inappropriate remarks and slurs her words, but no one does anything about it. What’s the best way to deal with a friend or relative who gets too drunk? Should you just hide the booze and cut them off altogether? —Tingling with Embarrassment
Dear Tingling with Embarrassment,
When family members get drunk, you need to consider their history with alcohol in deciding how to respond. If they are recovering alcoholics, a glass of wine at dinner could turn into a full-blown binge, and you should intervene “at the first sip,” says Craig Nakken, author of Reclaim Your Family from Addiction. It may be awkward to get a word in private with someone in the middle of dinner. But it’s far better to risk embarrassment than relapse.
Try not to get angry, since this could backfire. “If you get in a fight,” Nakken says, “they’ll feel like they don’t have to pay attention to you.” Plus, he says, “pain creates entitlement.” Instead, “come from a place of compassion,” Nakken advises. “Tell them, ‘It’s really hard for me to see you hurting yourself.’”
But if the drinker doesn’t have a problem with alcohol and isn’t actively hurting you, himself, or the other guests, you should consider letting him have his fun. Family gatherings can be tense, and sometimes it’s better for relatives to be too drunk than not drunk enough. Take my Aunt Millicent (not her real name), who likes to knock back a few at holiday gatherings. She begins with a slug of whiskey on her porridge (for medicinal purposes, she claims). On Christmas Day, she has champagne too, and by lunch she’s singing nursery rhymes and making lewd remarks. It’s a little uncomfortable, but it’s better than Aunt Millicent sober, when she lobs passive-aggressive insults at everyone around her. (As an added bonus, when drunk she usually falls asleep for an hour or two after lunch.)
But if your soused relative becomes offensive, don’t just sit there. Gerard Jones, a San Francisco writer, says: “My mom used to drink too much and would make everyone uncomfortable with bitter soliloquies that no one knew how to respond to.” The discomfort was palpable as the rest of the family stared at their plates.
So what should you do? Duggan McDonnell, owner of the San Francisco bar Cantina and veteran handler of drunkards, advises: “Use a distraction technique.” McDonnell asks drunks if they will “help watch the bar.” “This doesn’t really mean anything,” he explains, “but it makes them feel important and normal. It puts their mind on the task, not on the next drink.” At a family dinner, McDonnell suggests, you might ask your befuddled relatives to help you in the kitchen. This isolates them from the other guests and may prevent them from imbibing more. Says McDonnell: “You can’t drink a martini while you wash the dishes.”
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
I think Tingling with Embarassment should toss back a few and join the party!!
Why is he embarrassed? It's not his sister, and it's only in front of family. It's sad that his sil makes a spectacle of herself, but the writer needs to distance himself, emotionally and physically, and let it go.
Well yes, but one is under no obligation to either accept a sloppy kiss or endanger one's dog.
People have the right to do what they want to their own bodies, but no right to do it to you.
I presume all of you have safe ways of getting home, or room to sleep it off.
I'm with Platypus.
I always take the out of control drunks aside and make sure they understand that their behavior is absolutely inappropriate and unwelcome. No matter how drunk, the embarassment alone is motivation enough for their quiet departure from the main area.
If they're just putting flowers in their hair and singing Disney songs, I'd let them be.
Sounds to me more like the sister-in-law has a crush on him and kissed him while she was drunk just to see if he would tattle on her. He didn't, so he better watch out for her in the future, drunk or not. Drinking is not an excuse for making lewd remarks, so she obviously is one of those sloppy, mouthy drunks who is absolutely impossible. Why do people think they need to drink at every get-together? My family never did, and we had a great time. No, I am not a teetotaler. I drink on occasion, but playing the fool in front of family or putting up with a relative who does, is not my idea of family togetherness.
I'm fine with the 'let the drinker drink' scenario until it came to that sloppy kiss part. If my drunk brother-in-law kissed me in the kitchen, I would freak out and do my damnedest to avoid him for the rest of my life. That's. Just. Nasty.
I would take my cue from the rest of the family. Do they recognize her behaviour as being just silly-singing-songs-flowers-in-her-hair drunk, or are there real issues of alcohol abuse? Of course those within the inner circle may be in denial, but it sounds to me like SIL is just a bit too giddy w/ holiday cheer. Of course, when she's sober I would mention that smoochy kiss on the lips episode, if she's a 'life of the party lush' she will no doubt be mortified, let you know about it and refrain from similar romantic overtures at the next gathering.
"Says McDonnell: “You can’t drink a martini while you wash the dishes.”"
Oh yes you can.
Do you really want a sloppy drunk handling your good china and stemware?
If it's your place, don't invite that Otis of Mayberry or Aunt Millicent to your gathering. If the rest of the friends and relatives object and refuse to show up--that's their problem. But plan ahead and make sure everyone knows what you plan to do--and stick to your guns!
It's not the letter writer's home and it's not his place to be policeman. Thanksgiving dinner is hardly the time for an intervention. He should certainly avoid beng alone with the sil. Hiding the booze or cutting her off would likely result in an even uglier scene. I say mind your own business and make the best of it.
Couple things: seems like wife's family is a little more freewheeling than Tingling is comfy with, and SIL may be acting out some sibling rivalry with Tingling as a prop.
Can't change a whole family, but mentioning to Wife that "I may be imagining things, but your sister seems to be acting available" should clear up that situation.
lighten up and have a drink dude. And I agree with Maxmillion, heck I could probably drink two martinis while doing the dishes. Gettin' drunk with my family is something I look forward to every year. Break out the good stuff, dad!
He absolutely needs to talk to his wife. The issue here is not really that the sister in law should not drink, the issue is that he is uncomfortable with 1) her behavior has involved him and 2) the fact that the wife's family seems to tolerate it as if it were normal. Discussing this with his wife may not change the situation, but it sure ought to alleviate his feelings of alienation -- or at very least, it would give him more of an ally if things get really out of hand. To say nothing of the fact that wife deserves to know that her sister kissed her husband -- geesh.
As a longtime recovering alcoholic who also works in the receovery field, I can tell you what you already know but choose not to face. Alcoholism is a disease and not a moral or social embarrassment. It is like a white elephant in the middle of the room which all walk around and pretend not to notice. With hope, the lady will be able to face her disease and begin recovery and those in her world can choose to learn about the illness and even attend an Al-Anon meeting. Notice your discomfort at these words? Anger at the words? That is called denial and is precisely why at many Thanksgiving dinners next week the same scene will play out and no one will name the elephant. Gossip, anger and accusations will instead abound and perpetuate the disese and the denial until the next holiday get together. I wish you and your world the courage to face and deal lovingly and honestly with this 'family' disease. If the words anger you, good, because maybe you are just begining to face what really is. Remember facing recovery ain't easy for anybody but it works.
Bob
bobdfc, you have some very good, smart things to say about alcoholism. But to say "Alcoholism is a disease and not a moral or social embarrassment" is wrong.It's part of the disease, sure, but make no mistake, it can be an enormous embarrassment for other peple around the drunk. It's no picnic for the alcoholic, but it's not as if the person has Tourette's- they have to go through a process to get drunk (drinking) and piss off the others around them.
Removing blame and responsibility from an addiction process is bad medicine. Personal accountability needs to be a part of the process.
His wife's sister tried to make out with him. Yeah, he needs to tell his wife and the sister-in-law a big loud No More and not be alone with her even for a minute, even if he has to be rude about it. Nobody should ever feel like they have to put up with unwanted advances, whether they're dealing with an alcoholic or not.
I've the same problem with my neighbor. She is really nice when she is sober. She has just started to drink now and she doesn't eat anything in a party. She tells everybody that her focus is to drink and she keeps feeding everybody else around her. She just makes a fool out of herself and we can see that her sons are embarrassed and so are her relatives. We tried telling her, She apologizes afterwards but continues to do it. I guess, some people can't be changed!
I think I'm going to head home, crack open a bottle of vino & pop in "Home for the Holidays" and relaize how great I have it!!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Oh, man. Consider this: my relatives were just as offensive. And they were all SOBER!!!
I wish I could have blamed it on booze, but I was just part of a rotten family.
The worst - and most violent - member of my family never touches the stuff.
I think if someone's drinking bothered me that much I'd go to an Alanon meeting. It's been my experience that threats and lectures just make things worse.