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Table Manners
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Dinner’s Getting ColdHow to deal with the chronically late |
Dear Helena,
My brother is always late, no matter how important the occasion. Last Thanksgiving he was two hours late and we waited for him until the turkey got cold. He doesn’t understand that you need to factor in time to get ready and travel to your meeting point. He typically leaves his house at the time we’ve arranged to meet. I’ve tried calling him at the time he should be leaving, but he doesn’t answer because he’s in the shower. I’ve tried sitting him down and explaining that his lateness really bothers me. But nothing works. What’s the best way to make a chronically late guest show up on time? Or should you just start dinner without them? —Always on Time
Dear Always on Time,
Lateness isn’t just a bad habit, like brushing your teeth too hard. It’s often the symptom of underlying emotional issues. A 1997 study conducted in association with San Francisco State University by Diana DeLonzor, author of Never Be Late Again: 7 Cures for the Punctually Challenged (Post Madison, 2003), found that the chronically late suffer from higher-than-average anxiety and depression and lower self-esteem. Tardiness can serve as a distraction from these negative emotions. If you’re a late person swept up in “the adrenaline rush of that last-minute sprint to the finish line,” says DeLonzor, you can avoid “feeling your feelings, thinking about your life.”
So in order to start being punctual, habitually late people typically need more than a few time-management tips. They must confront their inner demons. And that’s something they have to do on their own. Chastising them certainly won’t help. “Telling someone not to be late is like telling an alcoholic to stop drinking,” says DeLonzor.
Other strategies aren’t much good either—giving the person a ride, for instance. David Good, a marketer for a social networking start-up in San Francisco, says he’s tried this with a compulsively late couple he knows: “I’ll go to pick them up at 6, and they’ll get back from work at 6:15 and still have to get ready.” In short, says DeLonzor, “if the person doesn’t want to change, there’s little you can do except lie about the time you’re meeting.” But I don’t recommend this ruse, either. If the late person discovers your fib, he may feel infantilized (plus you won’t be able to use the trick again).
Instead of trying to fool a late person into being punctual, try accepting him as he is. It may be useful to remind yourself that even though his lateness is inconveniencing you, it isn’t about you. Good says that when he’s waiting 20 minutes for the couple to get ready and they seem “oblivious to other people’s needs,” it helps to remember that “they’re not oblivious to other people’s needs in other ways.”
Accepting someone’s lateness means making plans that can accommodate it. If you’re meeting your tardy friend in a bar, then do as Good does: “I make sure I always have a book available.” Better yet, arrange for the person to come over to your house. That way you can keep yourself busy while you’re waiting. If the occasion is dinner and other guests are present, be prepared to start the meal without the latecomer. Give your friend a call to let him know—without judgment—that you’re sitting down to eat. Starting without him may sound harsh, but if you wait, you’ll get more and more irritated as your blood sugar drops.
If the occasion demands that the person be there (for instance, it’s his birthday dinner), then build a buffer into your schedule. Have a cocktail hour before the meal. Let the other guests know when you invite them what time dinner will be served. That way they won’t sit around fretting about when they’re going to get fed.
If all this sounds a little too gentle and accepting, DeLonzor suggests sending a lateness citation, reprimanding the person for “extreme and/or repeated lateness” and playfully warning, “Repeated violations may result in lost friendships, damaged client relationships, and/or forfeited career advancement.” You can send the citation anonymously through her website. That way, you can vent a little. Just don’t expect the recipient to start showing up on time.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
Emotional issues? Maybe in some cases, but how about something as simple as differing priorities? Or a laid back attitude?
In the example from David Good, perhaps the tardy couple should have called to let him know they would be at work late. But working late doesn't really seem to connect back to emotional issues. It's silly to say that they're oblivious to other people's needs; it sounds a lot more like they don't understand, or flat out disagree with, Mr. Good's needs. These are social plans, and a lot of people find it ridiculous to be up tight about exact times for social plans. It's irrational for a person to expect everyone to agree with and conform to their own attitudes towards timeliness.
In the actual scenario presented by Always on Time, there could be any number of underlying causes here. But go ahead and start dinner without him. Chances are, he's late because he is laid back about the whole affair, and won't mind at all. If he does mind, he's being unreasonable and selfish. Personally, laid back and habitually tardy as I am, I find the idea of missing any dinner, let alone Thanksgiving, abhorrent. Two hours late is also pushing it even for plans that don't involve the level of precision and timing involved in a large meal. But hey, to each their own.
Also, the alcoholic analogy is a poor choice. There is no logical argument that could be made for lateness being categorically bad, as alcohol abuse clearly is. A far more proper analogy would be, "Telling someone not to be late is like telling a right wing conservative to vote for Al Gore." Also, I'm not one to take issue with academic studies, but did Ms. DeLonzor's study include any Gen-Xers. We're a chronically late generation, and that clearly has more to do with cultural attitudes than with mental health issues (which are way more prevalent among Baby Boomers, who seem to be the ones who care so much about being on time).
Why should one have to passively accept--or passively-aggressively accept, in the case of the silly "lateness citation"--a habit that blatantly privileges one person's precious time over another's? Because the offender is insecure? Aren't we all. I *have* cured some friends of this behavior by simply leaving after a certain amount of time, and telling them to expect me to do so from there on out. Generally, eventually, they get the message.
I agree with tatmagouche. They best way I've found to handle a compulsively tardy person is by simply not indulging their selfish behaviour. If I have to wait more than fifteen or twenty minutes for someone (especially if they haven't called with an excuse, and ESPECIALLY if they're a renowned tardy person), I will simply go on without them/start the meal/get up and leave. If they miss out on dinner or can't get another ride or what have you, well, too bad. It serves as a reminder to them that the world does not, in fact, revolve around them. Sitting around waiting for someone who clearly doesn't respect my time only feeds their egomania.
I find frequent lateness exceptionally rude behaviour, and I don't tend to have much patience for it. And I am of Generation X, too.
I don't think Gen-Xers are chronically late, or that being so is socially acceptable for our generation or any other. Certainly with today's technology, it's easier to blunt the impact of tardiness (ie, if you're stuck in traffic, you can call from the car and say you'll be late so let's start without you/move the meeting/reschedule as needed) but that doesn't mean that you don't have a responsibility to keep your promises. If you say you'll be there at five, you should be there at five. That's manners.
Agreed, squeeze and pomme. I don't think it matters what generation you belong to, being two hours late to any group dinner is just plain rude. On the other hand, it's a good way to eliminate all those annoying dinner invitations.
I used to live with someone like this. I got around is separate and unique time zone by going places I knew I'd have fun solo and then it would be gravy whenever he finally showed up. Sometimes when there was no getting around a schedule, I confess I lied and gave him appointment times an hour earlier than they actually were. Terrible, I know. :P
Daniel, it's not a "laid back attitude." It's being oblivious to, or not caring about, other people. You can be laid back and still think of others by not agreeing to a set time in the first place. Then your friends can decide if they still want your company that evening. And how about this for a logical argument that lateness is cateogorically bad: the inconvenience of preventing it (calling ahead, managing ones time better) is less than the inconvenience it causes other people, so the net result is increased suffering.
It's silly to expect people to change. When I make plans with my chronically late friends, I accept that they'll be late and work with it. I'll have them meet me at the venue seperately and arrive with other friends, or if it's a dinner, I'll just start without them. But I'd never put myself in a situation where I'm dependent on their schedule.
I think there are people who are chronically late who can correct their behavior (as witnessed by the comments here) and there are people who are chronically late because they have issues. Either way, someone needs to change.
Lines like this are exactly why I love this column: "If the late person discovers your fib, he may feel infantilized (plus you won’t be able to use the trick again)." I love how Helena isn't afraid to say what we might be thinking!
I agree that the chronically late are self centered and usually have a big ego. This in itslef, though, is usually a symptom of underlying negative self image.
I had a friend who was always at least an hour late to everything. She'd call a full 30 minutes after she was supposed to be anywhere and announce, "I'm on my way!" We tried giving her an earlier time, but it never worked. In her mind,, our time wasn't worth the effort.
Then again, she also decided it was cute to violently do wheatevr she could to cath the bouquets at all her friend's wedding. She did it at mine (and yes,she was late, and she was a BRIDESMAID), attacking and rudely yanking my bouqet out of the hands of a sweet, gently young girl who had caught it fair and square. She then bellowed like an elephant and did a victory dance, oblivious to the boos around her. She called me and in a cute voice said she wanted the pictures as "proof".
She is no longer a friend.
my gawd, i think this column exists only to incite outrage sometimes... not that I don't enjoy it. This is really very simple: habitually tardy people should not be indulged, especially in a circumstance where a whole table full of people are made to wait. After a reasonable about of buffer time, you really must get on with it, start eating already! This "respects" their late lifestyle (they can be late, you can eat), and puts the onus back on them: the late party will get the message as they arrive... during the dessert course. And, please stop with the Gen-X anti-manners chestnut. Snore.
Being late for a wedding is disrespectful. Being late to work, or a meeting, is more than just rude, it's foolish. But come on, being twenty minutes late when meeting for drinks at the bar is really a big deal?
And if Gen-Xers don't have laid back view of time, then why is that every time I show up on time for a party for late twenty and early thirty somethings, or even within the first twenty minutes, no one else was there yet? Then, once the half hour mark passes, everyone shows up.
I do agree generally that lateness is rude (and when I label myself as habitually late, I mean by ten or fifteen minutes, and late to bars and parties, not dinner or meetings), but my issue was with the particular examples given in the answer, and with the casual assertion that lateness is a product of mental issues.
PlatypusJ, while that might be a very sound Utilitarian rationale, that is also what a Logician would call circular logic (the use of a value statement inherent to the point one seeks to prove as a component of the proof itself). Also, as you clearly understand, or as in trixel's example, you're dealing with people of differing value sets.
Whether one agrees with another's views or not, in most cases, it is ignorant to try to impose one's own values on another person. Better to live and let live.
Showing up late to a house party where no one's waiting for your very presence to begin the celebrations is hardly the same thing as showing up late to thanksgiving dinner where someone's toiled all day to prepare and several family members are waiting around the table while the food gets cold.
I used to be that person, not hours late, but late nevertheless, but I realized how awful it was, and I broke the habit. Why? My mother was late in getting to her husband's memorial service and I was early that time. I was so ashamed of her that it was a real wake up call for me. Now I have a family member that is always late so she is given a different time to arrive. If you want to see her at 6 you have to tell her 5. If you are lucky she will make it by 6.
My BIL will not stand for lateness, so if you aren't there when he says so, too bad, so sad. If he was offering to give you a ride and you aren't on time he leaves, and you are stranded. That works very well! He may give you 15-20 minutes, but no more. No cold food at his house!
I will not stand for lateness. I have had to too many times and have become a bit of a curmudgeon about it. The clock actually works the same for everyone; if one member of the party cannot see fit to use that clock, then they're out of luck. I start dinners without the missing people (family members who are repeat offenders) and have ceased to bat an eye. Let it be said that the lateness is not about traffic or emergencies (and in the age of cell phones, isn't a call in order in those instances?), but myriad vague excuses. Once it was deciding to buy a pet and having to get the pet set up in one's house before showing up three hours late. Um. That's not an emergency. That's bad planning. And bad manners. I will never let my dinners at home or dinners out be sabotaged by such behavior again. I sally forth and let the latester deal with their own choices.
Wait a minute--why do we have to kowtow to the habitually late? Yes, we all have unexpected personal/work/family issues and emergencies, traffic/train delays, blah blah, but to defer to those who are chronically late? I don't think so. People like that are saying that their time is more valuable than yours.
"They must confront their inner demons." Well, we've all got inner demons, and I rather people confront them in the privacy of their therapists' offices rather than play out the drama in my house when I'm having a bunch of people over for dinner.
When I'm having dinner in my house, the rule is simple: if I say dinner starts at a certain time, I mean it. If you're late, don't expect anyone to wait for you. I've even discouraged people who are really late from coming.
And I've stopped making dinner plans with people who are late for no good reason other than they can't get their act together.
> my gawd, i think this column exists only to incite outrage sometimes... not that I don't enjoy it.
blakeblake: Ha! I loved this... my sentiments exactly.
Some people who are chronically late are actually on a power trip, in my experience. They love making an entrance where everyone's been waiting around for them-- and making effusive apologies which they have down to a routine. It's the attention; they don't even care if it's negative attention. In some cases, they are testing to see which friends and family like them enough to keep waiting around. Or they just like letting people know, "My time is more important than yours." People on this kind of power trip (in contrast to people with time management issues or whatever) are usually identifiable by their demanor and by the lengths to which they will go to arrange to be late and/or arrange to do it in a way that will inconvenience you.
Dealing with the chronically late friend is much different than dealing with the chronically late family member. You can always get new friends - but you're stuck with your family for life.
My brother is among the chronically late, a state that's exacerbated by the fact that he lives 2 hours away from the rest of the family. We just invite him early, he runs late, but then only arrives a little late. He hasn't figured it out yet.
Bibi, I think you're spot on. I am a chronically punctual person and I have a couple friends (they are quickly losing that title) that fit nicely into the category you describe. I've actually given up trying to schedule things with them b/c their lateness makes me feel like my time is worthless; which is infuriating.
Being chronically late for any pre-arranged get together be it a meeting for work, a dinner party, or even meeting for a drink (that is not a group event) just shows a complete lack of respect for the other people invited and their time.
I might sound cold, but I don't really care what your excuse is. I know we've all heard the phrase "excuses are like (a particular body part)...everyone's got one, and they all stink".
Gen Xers aren't late 20s early 30s. They are mid 40s - born between 60 and 65. Just a nit, but the book came out in '91, and the term gets bandied about inaccurately so much.
This is a great rant - I am chronically punctual, and I pretty much stopped hanging out with chronically late people a long time ago. Around the same time I stopped hanging around people who tried to be too cool (always keeping their options open until the last minute and flaking). Life is too short! If they are in your family you are stuck I guess. luckily I don't have that issue.
I always understood Gen X to be 1960-1980 (a generation spanning 2 decades) or so and are currently between the ages of 30-to mid 40s - definitely not 20s, however. I identify myself as part of Gen X and was born in 1975.
But i think tardiness spans all generations - my dad is a boomer and he happens to be late most of the time. I work with students who are Gen Y/iGeneration and some are chronically late and some are always early. But the people i know that are chronically late are usually okay with others starting without them - they're used to it!
I heard once that Ghandi was never, never late to an appointment because he thought it was disrespectful to waste someone else's time or to make his time seem more important. Now I have no idea whatsoever is that's true...but it has a nice ring to it, no?
Here's a twist:
My Grandfather is chronically early. Not 5 minutes, either. He'll show up 30-40 minutes early to pick you up for dinner. I've only recently trained myself to expect this and be ready (or even present) when he comes. Now, my dear Grandpa is 96, so we'll forgive him. Anyone else experience this?
Generations are usually thought of by sociologists as being fifteen to twenty years long, not five. They can be much shorter, or longer, when they are defined by a critical event in world history (such as WWII's "Greatest Generation). The term generation X specifically was first used by British anthropologists to describe the post beat mod generation that Americans referred to as hippies. The sociology text Generation X, by Charles Hamblett and Jane Deverson, was published in 1964, though the novel Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture by Douglas Copeland did debut in 1991. The major theme of Copeland's novel, however, was that generation x is not a single age or social group, but a set of cultural attitudes common to the disaffected youth of American suburban sprawl. American sociologsts nearly universally use the term to refer to children born during the post baby boom lull in births in America, spanning any set of years from 1959 to 1983. The most commonly accepted set of dates is 1965 - 1980, when America experienced fifteen consecutive years of decreasing and historically low birth rates. This set of dates, certainly the most conservative, defines gen-xers as being in their late twenties to early forties. Generation y is most liberally defined as including those born from 1985 to 2000, but is often more conservatively applied to only the echo boom children born from 1989 to 1994.
jlgarret - you are describing my in-laws perfectly! If you aren't at least 15-20 minutes early, then you are considered to be late! If you invite them over to be here at 5, they will show up at 4:30. Disconcerting to me, but I learned to live with it.
A longtime and good friend was/is always late. After the usual anquish, anger and recriminations I reached a point of realization that the behavior is part of him/them. The next dinner party they arrived late and found the rest of us fully enjoying our meals. I explained that this indivudual and date were always late so we would begin at the dinner hour. The guests appreciated this consideration and when the couple arrived I greeted them and suggested they join us at table or join us for desert. My voice was caring and the moments were of some tension but the dinner party was a success. John? Still friends, but he either declines an invite or realizes he will receive no special attention or consideration upon a late arrival.
"...until the turkey got cold." Really? Since when is a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner ever served on time? People always say 3pm and it's never ready until 5!
Should have chosen a better example.
Now, cocktails at 7.30pm, dinner at 8 - that I can buy.
Don't wait around for grandstanding latecomers. They'll soon learn it's not all about them.
Lateness is rude in a social setting. Why in the world should I be more "laid back" about my precious personal time and home cooking than some useless meeting? One thing I like about cooking for a living is that you're either on time or you aren't, and there's no faking it.
Rudeness and disrespect for others, esp one's host, should not be tolerated, regardless of "generation."
I feel the same way toward the chronically late as I do to the Escalade parked in the fire lane with its fancy running lights on: nice sense of entitlement ya got there, pal.
Interesting article.
While I agree that being late is rude, I don't agree with having depression symptoms or low self-esteem.
Seriously, "Tardiness can serve as a distraction from these negative emotions?" I really have a hard time buying that. I think some people just can't get it together, in all aspects of their lives, and those people are also more likely to be late when they meet people.
My policy is kindof like the college 5-minute rule: depending on how important meeting the person is, how important they are to me, and how busy I am, I will wait for between 10 and 30 minutes -- but that is it. I leave. I don't call, or yell, or lecture, or go on the internet to secretly send a reprimanding message -- I just leave. And I make them wait to reschedule. This has worked pretty well. There was only one constitutively late person who actually asked me why it pissed me off so much and I said, as has been mentioned above, "because it implies that on some level, you must believe that your time is worth more than my time, and I don't appreciate that." That person was never late again -- I honestly don't think it had ever crossed his mind that it would be such a big issue for me, but it was nice to see that at least when I made myself that clear, he was able to adjust his behavior.
"It may be useful to remind yourself that even though his lateness is inconveniencing you, it isn’t about you."
Actually, it is. He or she is "late" because they have prioritized something else over being ready at a time that you have agreed upon.
I think that people who are chronically late have a flagrant disrespect for anyone else's time but their own. Whether it comes from a lack of self-esteem isn't the point.
My mother and sister are horrible about that. They were both over an hour late to my wedding. They were told to be at my wedding at 4:45 for family pictures. Neither showed up until 6. If you tell my sister to be at your house at a certain time for a party, she won't leave her house until that time. And she lives an hour away.
On the other hand, if I have an event at my house at 5, and someone shows up 30 minutes early, I will be extremely angry. I think that is terribly rude. Or if someone is coming to pick you up at a certain time, and they show up 20 minutes early and get mad at you because they have to wait, then it's their problem.
Five o'clock means Five o'clock. Not 4:30. And not 5:30. Why is this so hard for people to grasp?
There is worry about the latecomer being treated like a child when being duped about the time??? I laugh at this! If you know this person is not going to show on time and you don't want to be pissed or ruin your party, you tell them to be there at 5 when everyone else should be there at 6. If they find out, you tell them why you did it. You want them there, but they always ruin the party by arriving late.
I am ALL for just starting without late people. If they do it repeatedly AND after you have admonished them or tricked them (whatever), then do not invite.
Good friends and family should be told they are being rude and if they really do not want to come they should just say and put the rest of the clan out of their misery.
Isn't it funny how none of the "latecomers" have posted to defend themselves or give their side of the story? Maybe they haven't seen this yet because they're late getting to the site...
Okay, so one of my group is constantly late. Like, hours late. We know this. We order our food but save a chair for him when we're dining out. And we always get a pool going on what time he'll arrive. We aren't shy about it. He walks in, someone looks at their watch and says, "Who had 2:30?" And the winner stands up and cheers like Bob Barker just called them up on stage. He thinks it's funny. And then we enjoy his company when he gets there.
There is a chronic latey in my group. We stopped worrying about it. If he misses a meal or a movie, its his problem. We don't save a chair for him, because either he is on time or more than an hour late.
One time someone saw him walking into the gym when they were on the way out of the gym on the way to a dinner party he was supposed to be at. Told them it was just gonna be a quick work-out and he would be there in 20 minutes. Of course he decided he had to go back home to shower and get ready...he evemtually showed up 3 hours late that time - just as the last guests were leaving. That was the turning point. After about a year of finding out people were not going to wait for him, he has gotten a little better, at least about some occasions.
For chronic latey's it is not about a casual attitude. It is rude, selfish and often IS a sign of underlying issues.
I knew a bride who sent out wedding invitiations to the entire groom's family with a time that was 30-minutes earlier. She said most of them were always late, and she did not want them to ruin her wedding. I thought that was hilarious!
As for regularly tardy friends, I always lie and tell them it's an hour to 30-minutes earlier (whatever the event). If they are still late, then I proceed with the plan without guilt.
I think some folks probably do have emotional issues that cause them to be late, but I think it's really just 1) bad habit and 2) a bad judge of estimating, perception and time.
I too confonted a close friend who was always late. I asked her to tell me how long it took to drive from X to Y (knowing it was about 30 minutes when you factor in gathering up your stuff and traffic). She said 10 minutes. She just honestly didn't understand factoring in uncontrollable circumstances.
I have performed a similar experiment, inbox blues. My chrinically late friend will tell you that it takes 15 mintes to get just about anywhere. A cafe 20 minutes away? 15 minutes. A shopping center 30 minutes away? 15 minutes. Her job, in another state? 15 minutes. No kidding.
Being on time is a critical part of my job. So I am. Professionally.
Personally, I think there are people who just don't how to say "No" to making commitments they will not be able to fulfill.
Once I learned to say "No" without feeling guilt, I stopped being late. A cell phone and a quick call cover most last minute scenarios.
Who really wants a commitment from someone on a maybe and who may or may not come through.
Yes means you are "committed"
No, really means "No, I can't make and keep that commitment."
It took me a while ( ummm lets say about 30 years) to realize that it was better to not make commitments you were unsure you could keep.
A final note.
Some people seem to have a real bug about being "on time". So. I often like to say things like six"ish" or around six depending on the traffic, life the universe and everything"
Lets face it - its the 0's and all kinds of interesting things can make you tardy that are legitimately beyond your control. That cell phone is handy and only polite when you are going to be late.
One of my personal favorites since I have a young child to help me be on and sometimes not on time is.
OK I will give you a call as I'm leaving around "___ o'clock".
p.s. My SIL is psyco about being on time. She tries to control other peoples time so much and is so bossy that I can't help my self but be late on purpose... just to piss her off, throws her off her whole bossy game plan and that is hilarious to watch - hell you've gotta get your entertainment somewhere ;)
TWS
My boyfriend is one of these chronically late arrivers and I happen to be chronically punctual... and it drives me NUTS! We have actually had a few tiffs about his punctuality and he actually gets mad at me for getting mad about such something "so insignificant". But I think he finally got the jist if it when he was extremely late a few days in a row for work and his boss chewed his ass out. It's not just me who thinks it's rude... it happens to be almost anyone one is making plans with!
Since then he has been better with time but I still call him to make sure he's on his way cause I just don't trust him to leave on time yet. That or I give him a targeted arrival time at least half an hour before the true scheduled arrival time.
As far as guests arriving early -- I plan my event for that. I love it when people come early [I'm talkin half an hour at the most]. I'd prefer that over tardiness.
I to am punctual, I tend to get where I need to be about 5 minutes early. I have a friend whom is always late, I can be 10 minutes away, ans she'll say she's on her way, but it will end up taking her 30 minutes to get there. It happens all the time and it's very aggrivating. Although I love this dear friend, she drives me crazy.