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Stop Refilling My Wineglass!How to tell waiters to let you drink at your own pace |
Dear Helena,
When I order wine at a nicer restaurant, the server usually refills my glass without me asking. This is annoying for two reasons. One, regardless of whether they’re just trying to give good service or not, it feels like I’m being forced to finish my wine faster so I’ll buy more. Two, I like to drink at my own pace and monitor my consumption by pouring my own wine. Is there a way to tell the server I want to pour my own wine without sounding like a jerk who doesn’t appreciate their skill and hospitality? I’ve seen people put a cocktail napkin over their glass, but this seems really déclassé. —One Glass at a Time
Dear One Glass at a Time,
There’s yet another reason why refilling can be annoying: When the server is too zealous about it, sippers may not get enough and gulpers may get drunker than they’d planned. I’m a total lightweight, so I don’t drink much. Nonetheless I always drink the first glass of wine fairly quickly, because I want to get a buzz going. If the server refills my glass, I automatically drink it, just because it’s there. The next thing I know, I’m trashed and my companion is twiddling his or her empty glass, wondering where all the wine went.
But refilling your glass is considered in the restaurant industry an essential part of good service. Beth von Benz, wine director at Porter House New York, says: “You want the glasses to be always filled. … If I see low wineglasses on a table, I’ll go to the waiter and ask what the story is.” That doesn’t mean the server should replenish your glass every time you take a sip. Evan Goldstein, sommelier and author of the wine guide Perfect Pairings, says: “A server should wait to refill until your glass is one-third full, or less.”
A good server won’t interrupt your conversation to ask if refilling is OK. However, as the meal progresses and the bottle empties, the server may use a gesture that Goldstein calls the “hesitation pour.” “You reach out to refill their glass, but stop right before you’re about to pour and wait to see if the person says anything.”
If you don’t want more wine, you have to tell the server. The sommeliers I spoke to agreed on the simple gesture you should use: Wave your hand over your glass or partially cover it with your hand. If the server continues to hover, just say, “Thank you, I’m fine for now.”
Don’t put a napkin over your glass. “It could be a dirty or damp napkin,” says Goldstein, “or you might knock the glass over.” Von Benz agrees: “The only time you put a napkin over your glass is if it’s a small square bar napkin [and you’ve left your seat] and want to show you’re coming back to finish your drink.” Plus, covering your glass with your napkin might depress your companions. It’s like telling everybody, “I’m already thinking about driving home.”
If the server isn’t refilling your glass, you may drink more slowly, and so end up with some wine left in the bottle. Many states, including New York and California, now have a wine doggy bag law that allows patrons to take leftover vino home. To comply with open-container laws, you and the restaurant must follow certain regulations. Details vary by state, but typically, the cork must be securely replaced and the wine placed in a bag by restaurant personnel. Many states require or recommend the use of a transparent, tamper-proof bag, typically supplied by the restaurant. Tamper-proof means sealed in such a way that it’s obvious if you opened the bag. That way, you can’t drink the wine on the way home. Some states also require the restaurant to put the meal receipt in the bag. But, von Benz says, people don’t take home half-consumed wine very often. Whether the server or the drinker pours, people almost always finish the bottle.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
Published October 30, 2007
"I'll pour my own, thanks." Works every time.
Agree with beevod, it's not hard!
This is a little silly. It's simply good, gracious service to have your wine glass looked after. (Sure beats the alternative! i.e. no more wine and missing waiter) If you aren't a big drinker, leave 1/3 or so of your glass full, you probably won't get a top-up. And no napkins perched on the glass -- tacky!
What irritates me is the practice among some waiters to rush you through yuor glass of wine when you are doing a wine paired tasting menu.
Sometimes, the courses and wines come so fast, I feel like I'm being pushed to guzzle and bolt!
I really hate having my wineglass refilled. Many servers will fill the glass far too full, so that I can't swirl the wine. Part of the appeal of getting a bottle is so I can pour as little at a time as I like! I also drink more slowly when my glass is emptier, which helps me enjoy the meal considerably more.
But I've found that saying, "I'd like to pour my own, thanks" works very well.
With a good server, this shouldn't be a problem at all - if the diner is willing to communicate at all. Just shake your head slightly when the server approaches with the bottle.
If you feel this way, do not under any circumstances go to a fancy restaurant in China. The servers (and there will be several of them) will refill your glass after every sip. It is very difficult to let them know you want to drink slowly and not look like an ungrateful guest.
I have learned to say forcefully, "That's enough" or "Stop there, please." The servers are pushing more wine (and bottles of water) so that the tab will go higher. Or, they're simply uneducated about wine service.
On the flip side, we recently attended a dinner for 10 people, at which the server poured quarter-glasses for everyone and then ignored us. They missed an opportunity to sell a couple more bottls of wine, simply by not bothering to ask.
Uh, I drink fast so this is never an issue.
I agree with sassygirl. I am a wine guzzler ;)
Why not just say "No thanks."?
Had dinner with seven others last night and was trying not to drink much. I had to tell the waiter to stop by putting my hand over the glass AND telling him "No thank you - that's enough" because he was moving so fast. The group wasn't large, but the bill was due to the expensive entrees, water and wines. They were definitely pushing -- and didn't seem the least interested in hearing that no one wanted dessert. They even came back with a tray of samples to show us, just to see if we were really telling the truth. No, I think for most restaurants it is a push. It may be good service, but it often doesn't feel like it.
Freida, saying "thank you" while the server is filling should almost always result in their stopping the pour immediately thereafter. Try it. And try to avoid "that's enough" or "stop pouring, please."
The things people find to worry about. "We'll pour our own, thank you" (just be sure to make the thank you sincere such that you've recognized the effort at providing the service). Done and done.
My husband and I had dinner celebrating my birthday at a place called Tribute, one of the best restaurants in Metro Detroit. We ordered the more extensive chef's tasting menu and a $150 burgundy (one of the cheaper on their extraordinarily extensive list). It was decanted and poured for us. I actually really liked the personal (and constant) attention, it was so professional and unobtrusive. At one point, I did try to pour it myself, just because it came out of the decanter in such an unexpected way. The sommelier DASHED over - really, quite quickly, and politely told me that it was his job and that he would be happy to pour it carefully and as quickly or slowly as we liked. We finished the bottle at just the right time, as the dessert courses were starting to be served. Then, unexpectedly, we were given a series of dessert wine pairings with the dessert courses, gratis! It was totally magical, one of the best experiences of my life! The sommelier and his assistant were some of the most knowledgeable and welcoming people, they really made the night.
Ok, I'll stop gushing now. I think that waitstaff in less slowly-paced establishments will pour the wine in response to how quickly they see you drinking it. They're not mind readers. Just politely decline if you see them going for your glass. How simple!
It's not just a problem with drinking wine, it's often a problem with drinking cola or coffee. Often the waiters at casual restaurants will serve you refills without asking whether you want one. In some cases, that can be a problem (many restaurant customers are limited as to how much caffeine they can have and there are often few choices as to decaffeinated drinks). Other times, people don't want to feel as if they are obligated to consume what is in front of them. Perhaps it's a pet peeve of mine, but I think a good waiter should always ask the customer before serving a refill.
That restaurant sounds great, keslacye.
http://www.chow.com/places/13786
This is a frequent issue when my wife and I dine out. Between us a bottle of wine is just about the right amount with dinner, but I drink 2/3 of it and she 1/3. She's also a bit more timid with waiters than I, so when the waiter comes around trying to fill our glasses equally, I often find myself in the position of putting my hand over her glass, which at best looks like I'm trying to cut her off. We usually settle things with a comment to the effect of "please just leave it to us, thanks," but I really wish they wouldn't do this.
To BobB--It pays to be assertive. That's something I've learned the hard way many times during my life. When I think I've had enough coffee or cola, I have to put my hand over the cup or even turn it upside down. That usually gives the pesky waiters the message--along with the words "I'd like my check please. I'm in a big hurry."
I have never liked drinks poured for me, be it wine or water. I always say to the waiter to please let me do it myself. I find it irritating because it interrupts the conversation and I don't like my glasses filled too high plus I don't like the feeling of someone standing over my shoulder too often except to bring food or clear it away.
I have a problem with water getting refilled. My husband and I always get sparkling for the table but some dimwit busboy almost always pours still water into my half-finished glass of sparkling before I even realize he's there.
Strawbrry, what you describe is a perfect excuse for the restaurant to have to provide you with a fresh bottle of sparkling, at no charge. I have had this happen as well and they always oblige since it's their staff's fault.
If this happens often enough they'll make sure their dimwit busboys stop pouring without checking!
I'm totaly capable of refilling my own wineglass, and I agree that in most cases, the restaurant is trying to pad the bill. I find the practice of waitstaff refilling wineglasses to be obnoxious. And I'm not at all bashful about letting the waiter know my feelings in a socially acceptable way.
My problem with the constant filling of my wine glass is that I have no "off" button (neither does my husband). This usually leads to a fun night, but terrible morning.
When I was a server I always hesitated at least a beat or two before filling, no matter what the beverage was. If the party was obviously engaged in conversation I might wait another. But it is often hard to know when to pour and not to -- a customer saying no simply made my understanding of his or her expecations clear and my job easier.
Moral? Just say any of the variations of "No thank you".
The ever full glass does have some historical tradition in addition to the owner pushing more wine.
I've read about in hospitality in the golden age of British Upper Class hospitality. The host expected the glasses to be kept full for his guests. The left overs in the glasses were the butlers perogative to dispense after dinner. The article that described this mentioned one host who was so incensed by people who covered their glasses to avoid refills that he instructed the servants to simply keep pouring over the covered glass.
Nickn, it's quite a different situation when you're someone's guest. In a restaurant, A) you're paying for the wine, and B) you've purchased it by the bottle and may want to allocate the limited contents thereof to suit the individual diners' tastes. As a guest, particularly in the situation you describe, the host is providing the wine, and in apparently unlimited quantities. In that case, I say pour on!
I definitely think a server should give you a chance to say whether or not you want a refill before they just give you one. I admit I don't drink wine, but it applies to sodas too. Getting a fresh soda right when you're getting up to leave really bothers me. But worse was this one time when I was fairly thirsty and I drank three, maybe even four glasses of soda during the meal, then the waitress showed up with TWO glasses just for me (she didn't bring any for anyone else), again, right when we were about to leave. It was very rude, like she was making fun of how much I drank. Even if she honestly thought I needed two more full glasses after all I had already drank, it made me feel embarrassed and humiliated.
To entertain in a restaurant is very different for so many guests and their situations. We feel it is a fabulous part of service to pour your wine but have many, many regulars who choose and pour their own wine. It is your experience, we are only here to serve you. A great server can let you pour your own wine, clear the empty bottle and wait for your glass to reach a level where the question is asked, "another glass... another bottle?"
We are only human and are serving every different personality out there! What makes one guest happy may make another crazy. When you make your reservation, give a little detail. "We would love to have an intimate setting, please have the Sommelier open the wine but as the host of the evening...I would enjoy pouring. We are not in any rush so please have the courses timed to reflect this." Such helpful information! You walk away happy about the hundreds you've spent and we feel accomplished and successful.
Teach us how to serve you, it's our passion to do it well!
I can see the opening and carafe point, but I find someone lingering around my table ready to pounce and refill my wine glass is over the top.
It seems sometimes like it's one extreme or another with water or beverages....sometimes the waitstaff are fanatic (and yes it's wasteful to bring refills you didn't ask for), and other times you are sat there for what seems like forever, waiting for someone, anyone to acknowledge and bring you a water refill or another glass of wine.
OT, but i also hate it when wait staff come and take away your plate when there's still food on it without asking, just because you've paused or because there are entrees coming. Have had this happen a few times and before i got a chance to say something...mostly with appetizers. Hey, where'd my food go? Evidently they think i've had enough, lol.
I'm not saying it's all right to keep refilling wineglasses when the guest tells you not to, or to always keep it full...
But please remember that alot of times managers push their servers to do this. I used to be a server at a restaurant where the managers would berate us for having a table in out section where the water glass was less than half full. Explaining that the customer wants it that way is sometimes blown off as the server not doing their job. That restaurant also required us to present the lunch check to the table after they took their first bite, which left the server (me) in the precarious situation of angering the diner over feeling rushed, or getting yelled at in the back room for not having the check presenter on the table.
It's a very hard job, and sometimes it is the policy of the restaurant, and not the individual server. Sometimes you are not trusted to read each individual diner's needs (as a good server should be empowered by the management to do) but forced to treat everyone in a hovering, over-refilling, rushing manner because the policy dictates that you must.
That said, even in these situations, the server should listen to the customer's request and pour/not pour as desired. Just asking for a little compassion on behalf of servers, as they may be getting yelled at in the kitchen for not constantly filling your glass.
This bothers me when we're eating somewhere without an experienced enough staff to know pour size, especially when I've brought the bottle (which I almost always have). If we're next to a wall, I move the bottle to the inside of the table to give myself time to say "no thank you" when they try to grab it.