How to Talk to Boring Relatives at Dinner
The experts of quality chat weigh in
She says: “Oh my, aren’t Suzy’s boys getting big?” You say: nothing, as you are consumed by crushing existential malaise. For many people, dinner with the extended family can be one of the most difficult parts of the holidays. After all, if you’re throwing a party any other time of year, you can choose your guests based on how fun they are to talk to. But you can’t choose your family members.
There are ways, however, of turning the most inane comments (“My trainer had me do 10 reps of lunges today at the gym!”), vague stories (“I went to Madrid, and it was great!”), or tedious topics (“You’ll never believe what I’m going through with my remodel!”) into electrifying repartee. To find out how, CHOW talked to three experts in extemporaneous dialogue: journalist Deborah Solomon, whose scintillating Q&As appear in each Sunday’s New York Times Magazine; Gayl Murphy, a Hollywood media trainer and author of Interview Tactics: How to Survive the Media Without Getting Clobbered!; and Julie Brister, an LA-based actress who’s taught improvisational comedy classes for 10 years. Here are some of their secrets.
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How to Talk to Boring
Relatives at Dinner (cont.)
Ask Questions
The reason many people make boring conversation is not because they don’t have anything interesting to talk about, but because they don’t know how to talk about things in an interesting way. By asking questions, you can help them.
“If they say, ‘I went to Madrid,’ go deep. Ask them what they ate, what they bought,” says Murphy. The more detailed you can get them to be, the more you might illicit something colorful, racy, controversial, or funny. Or you might find you have something in common with them, and shared experiences create a feeling of closeness.
“I like to treat the evening as an educational opportunity,” says Solomon. “What is their field, and what can I learn from it?” If you’re dealing with a stay-at-home mom rather than a criminal defense attorney to the stars, this might be more challenging. But, says Solomon, you can ask them about summer camp, or neighborhood programs. And don’t forget to query the kids about school, or what books they’re reading. Their answers will be more unscripted, and it’s nice to make them feel they’re not invisible.
How about tough questions? Depends on your family. Solomon says she finds conversation becomes more “meaningful” if she poses political queries at the dinner table such as: “How did you feel about Ahmadinejad speaking at Columbia?” But Murphy cautions that most people “don’t want to work that hard” when they’re at a dinner party. Zingers like “Why didn’t you love me as much as my dead brother?” are obviously a very bad idea in any case.
How to Talk to Boring
Relatives at Dinner (cont.)
Say, “Yes, and …”
Good conversations are often revealing ones. But shy people may not like to get the third degree over their mashed potatoes. Brister recommends a less confrontational method of opening people up, while contributing flavor to the chat, from a technique used in improv. Somebody makes a comment, then you say, “Yes, and …,” and make a personal statement on the same topic. Example: Someone says, “It’s been so cold.” You say, “Yes, and it’s been great, because you get to wear all these sweaters that normally don’t come out until February.”
You’re agreeing with the reality your partner establishes, says Brister, but adding additional info to make that reality more specific. When he hears you say how you feel about something, he’ll take the cue that now he’s supposed to do the same thing and say how he feels about it.
Bring It Back Around
You can take an ordinary dinner-table conversation, or indeed any conversation, and make yourself and everybody else look good by using an advanced improv technique Brister calls “bridging.” The point is to establish a pattern in the dialogue by remembering something somebody said earlier and reintroducing it later in reference to the current topic. Here’s an example: Somebody says, “My trainer had me do 10 reps of lunges today at the gym.” Then somebody else says she has no time to work out. Then another adds that he hasn’t taken a vacation in 10 years. Then workout guy says he went to Asia last month, and turns out he walked a portion of the Great Wall of China. Here’s your cue. You say, “Those lunges must’ve come in handy!” [Appreciative laughter]
Although it might seem a little corny, finding connections like this has the astonishing effect, both onstage and off, says Brister, of making people feel clever and included. Not only are they in the presence of wit, but they, too, are smart for recognizing the pattern.
How to Talk to Boring
Relatives at Dinner (cont.)
Stockpile Safe Topics that Aren’t the Weather
Sometimes there’s dead air and you need an uncontroversial starter. Here are a few ideas:
“Ask people how they felt about Leona Helmsley leaving her dog $12 million,” says Solomon. “You don’t need a PhD to comment intelligently on newly endowed canines.” In fact, pets are always a popular subject.
Instead of mentioning old high school friends you may have run into (too risky, as they might be more successful or more pregnant than you), try reminiscing about shops and restaurants that used to be in the old ’hood. “Ah yeah, the bagel store. Remember when they used to be 35 cents?” demonstrates Solomon.
Movies. Everybody likes movies. However, “If I’m going to be around a bunch of people who have kids, they’re going to be talking about The Little Mermaid, not Sean Penn’s latest film he wrote and directed,” says Murphy. “So I get online before I go and do a little research” about what the kids are watching these days. Like most things in life, it’s better to come prepared.