stories : Table Manners
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Singled OutThe dos and don’ts of inviting the unattached |
Dear Helena,
Last night my wife and I had a couple we know over to dinner, and at the last minute we invited our friend “Ben,” who is single. It was a pleasant evening but a little flat, and everyone left early, including Ben. I think he had a good time—but not a great time. I’m wondering whether it’s because he felt like the fifth wheel. I would have invited another single, but no one seemed right for him, and anyway I don’t like trying to matchmake at dinner parties because I feel like it makes the people who are being set up feel self-conscious. If you want to have a really fun evening, should you invite more than one single? —Old Married Fogy
Dear Old Married Fogy,
Most singles probably are fine being the only solo guest. But, as I learned when I called around, they prefer not to be. Wendy Merrill, author of Falling into Manholes, a book about her dating life, says if she’s been “recently rejected,” it can be depressing to be surrounded by couples. She adds: “Women may be afraid I’m hitting on their man … especially if I have a little cleavage action going.” Alison Gerlach, a film producer in Chicago, says she sometimes feels self-conscious if she’s the only single guest. Lone singles may feel “like they’re there to tell stories of their adventures.”
So if you invite more than one single, they’ll likely have a better time. But here’s the thing: So will everyone else. This is because singles bring what I call “single person energy” (SPE). Most are on the lookout for a mate, so they often put more care into their personal appearance than attached people do. They make an effort to talk to strangers because they don’t have the crutch of a partner. And though it’s certainly not true across the board (there are plenty of singles who stay at home all the time and couples who have adventures), those without mates often lead more racy lives that make for better anecdotes. When people pair-bond, they can lose interest in their social lives—as if all that partying and doing shots was nothing more than a strategy to find a mate. “They just want to stay in and rent movies,” says Gerlach.
Single people often drink a little more, take risks, and stay out later, because there is no predestined end to their evening. They also encourage flirtation in others, which, if harmless, is never a bad thing for a party.
When I meet interesting single people, I always go out of my way to cultivate them so they can infuse my parties with SPE. As bay leaves are to gumbo, single people are to parties: You throw them in and let them simmer away, adding their savor. Just as you take out the bay leaves and put them on the side of your plate, so at the end of the party you put the singletons in taxis. Of course, occasionally two of your singletons may hook up. While happy for them, this is sad for you. Instead of infusing your parties with SPE, they may now prefer cuddling in front of Netflix.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
"SPE?"
When I planned my wedding reception seating chart, I had to figure out if I wanted to seat the singles at tables on thier own or sprinkle them amidst the couples. 'Twasn't easy! I was not fully aware of all the vicissitudes of SPE. (-ahem, cough cough_pointless acronym_chough)
IN the end, I sort of did both. Some of the older sinlges I put two to a table with couples of a similar age or connection to us. There was a table of young, unattached singles.
Frnakly, as I expected, everyone got up and mingled to thier own comfort and interest. (or didn't if they were not the mingling type) and everyone was happy.
Odd, but the minute I moved in with my Pre-Husband, I did feel somewhat dinimished. My SPE flowed out of me and into other nearby single people, sort of like what happens in the Movie "HIghlander" when he cuts another Immortal's head off.
oooh, this column immediately reminded me of something I hadn't thought of in years. Back when I was single, I had a very close friend who was also the boyfriend of another close friend. CF1 had a birthday party, to which I was invited, but then I heard that there was also a lovely dinner party prior to the larger party. But only couples were invited to the dinner party, no singles - and I was single. So, I also learned that several people who were not at all close to the birthday party, but were the partners of other close friends, were at the dinner - but not me. I felt so angry and offended to have been excluded only because I wasn't half of a couple, that I didn't go to the party at all, and really that was the beginning of the end of what had been a lovely friendship. For heaven's sake, invite the single people in any numbers, don't feel like you have to match them up, just enjoy the company of the people you like!
Kathleen, what an incredibly hurtful act. I've seen it happen many times and from people you would think would know better. Academics call it heteronormative behavior; I call it being an a**hole.
plus it's not like you need to play match maker. i, as a single woman, wouldn't mind being at a dinner party with say two or three other couples. helena is right, however, that i would *rather* there be another single or two as well. but it doesn't need to be a man, so that we can all be matched up. another girlfriend, or even a woman i don't know would be good too.
Kathleeen, that sounds lke the kind of thing that would be raised in my childhood, and I'm a boomer. Though it is more fun if there are other people not in stable couples, married or in other circumstances (I am in a long-distance relationship). And I don't care a whit if it is a heterosexual man of my age group (I'm a heterosexual, middle-aged woman) - the other people can be male or female, gay or straight, younger or older.
One of my best friends is a gay man, and we often used to go out together - now he lives in another city. No, not for him to "play straight" (heaven forbid, neither of us want any truck with homophobes or other bigots) but simply because we enjoy each other's company.
Here are a few suggestions--they sound simplistic--but I urge anyone inviting singles to follow:
1. Ask the single how they feel about being around married people. This should be done especially if that single person will be the only single person there, or if other single people will be of different ages, have different political beliefs, etc.
2. Ensure that you do not form cliques. Always make the single people welcome--even if only one shows up. Do not brag about yourself or your relationship to that single person.
And for some rules for singles
1. Don't make a big issue about the smallest things.
2. Be on your best behavior. You may be a single, but you are still a guest. Be sure to follow the rules of courtesy.
3. If things don't work out well (because of the single issue) don't make an issue until until after the party is over. Then you can vow never to return until things improve.
(Of course there are always exceptions--in those cases, use your own judgment.)
What are your thoughts?
Perhaps if the party was flat and everyone left early it wasn't because of Ben, the single guest. Assuming he was an affable person, maybe something else was amiss and it had absolutely nothing to do with his singleness?
This is funny, because my social circle has the opposite problem. There are few of us who are attached long-term, and we always agonize over getting together with the couples/shmoopies. Because they really prefer sitting at home and watching movies - it's like they got married and pulled on the matching sweatervests. We still love them, but the energy just disappears into the coupled black hole (CBH) sometimes. I hope no-one drunkenly slurs "Dude, you used to be cool!" at me when my time comes, though. If. I don't want to be a "Ben", so I guess I'd better get serious.
Hence one reason (I would imagine) for the etiquette rule that states couples should not be seated together at dinner parties.
Please don't yell at the messenger, I didn't make it up.
Braniff's post gave me a whole lot to laugh about. In that if you swap out "single" for "colored" and "married" for "white" and it read a whole lot like a well-intentioned, but in hindsight horribly offensive (word choice included), column on how to be a gracious and progressive hostess/guest in the early 60's.
I hope that is what you were going for. :)
I'm appalled at the entire sentiment. While I appreciate the notion of being considerate to all guests at any event, I'm not sure why singles would have to be reminded to "behave" per Braniff's post or be counted on for their "SPE" to enliven the atmosphere. Here's a thought - both singles and people in couples may enjoy paying attention to appearance, having good conversation and be flexible re: when the evening might end. And singles and couples may feel like being introverted sometimes and might have real life obligations that require them to not "drink more" or "stay out later." Is there a reason that we are reducing single people to a few played-out stereotypes? In a provincial area maybe, but in a pretty sophisticated city like DC, I'm appalled.
You could do the same thing suggested for Braniff's post to the original article: see, those people don't have "single cooties," they're actually fun, as long as you can send them off in a taxi at the end of the night (presumably they need a taxi more than couples because you know how those single people drink, and poor dears they don't have a designated driver). How incredibly patronizing!
And Kathleen M, I had a similar situation: my best girlfriend was all about hanging with me (and her other single girlfriends) and making critical remarks about "couples only" socializing, and the minute she got a boyfriend, she was telling me all about her dinner parties -- which I wasn't invited to because they were for couples! Maybe it was karma that relationship didn't last long and she spent many, many years being single!
My thoughts about Branff's post mostly relate to not understanding why those rules were offered up at all (they're all pretty obvious) and even more why they were offered up only for singles. Is it all right for couples to make an issue out of the smallest things, then? And if things don't work out, it really isn't appropriate to make an issue of it at all. It is bad form to make a host feel badly about the way their party turned out, whether you're attached or not.
Helena's answer is totally engaged in worn out stereotypes. I've been married for 18 years and in this relationship for 20, but I still felt a little insulted at the notion that even that long ago, it might have been considered acceptable to invite me to a party to provide comic relief to the married people.
I think people have too much time to think about singles and couples and designate characteristics to each group in order to generalize them. There are some rude comments on ettiquette, especially on how singles should behave, and not couples as well. Just be considerate and think how you would feel in someone else's position at an occasion. If you're all friends, it should always be fun!
Yes, giving singles "guidelines" on how to behave is silly. I'm part of a couple, and believe me, I've found some couples to be way more annoying than singles. Having said that, however, I have noticed that some singles are clearly uncomfortable in a situation where everyone is paired up. So when I have a gathering, I try to have a good mix of people.
And "SPE"--can that be bottled? Is it available at Sephora?
i've totally had the 'kathleen' experience, and i'm so tired of married friends talking thoughtlessly about the need for 'couple friends' or 'couples nights.' i'm in my late twenties, and almost everyone i know is coupled off. i'm in no hurry to get married, but i hate the thought that i'll be excluded from socializing---on very specious grounds of politeness--because i haven't a boyfriend, or worse, that to earn my space at the dinner table, i have to provide an acceptably entertaining amount of SPE. what are single people now, circus monkeys?
What rubbish! Who gives a crap whether or not a friend is married? I never give this a thought when inviting people over, and have never suffered any dire consequences.
Yeah, I'm with pikawicca. Invite your friends. Period. If they are single, so what? If they are married, so what? They're your friends, right? Do not make the mistake that your single friends need to be invited lest they stay home and dress up their pet cats before going to bed at 9:30. And don't make the mistake of always inviting the same two single people together because if they only spent a little more time together...
Who knows? Maybe your single "friends" pity you for being tied down as much as you pity them for being sad and lonely!
Rules?
1. Invite your single friends to your parties if you think they wlll have a good time, not out of pity.
2. Don't try to play matchmaker for your single friends unless you have explicit consent from both.
It's hard not to feel a little put out when a bunch of couples get together, and i've also, at the beginning of new relationships myself, have gotten the "oh now we can all go out together!!!!" from friends (what,...you guys couldn't hang out with me while i was single?). I always made the effort to make friendships with all friends a priority even when i've been coupled, and not only the gals only type stuff. I hate it when people seem to forget they have single friends as soon as they hook up.
I admit, sometimes as a single, I can feel a bit like an oddball at a party or dinner when i'm the only one of my kind there, but i find it depends on the couples there. I think that , while not matchmaking, it'd be great if the host invited both couples and several singles alike. Plus then there's an opportunity to meet a few new people. I've been to a couple of small dinner parties where the two couples there seemingly were under the impression that it was a double date or something, and sitting there while people play kissy face or acting all intimate, as a fifth person, is just plain icky and definitly not fun. Yes i realize you are all in love, but do you really need to sit on his lap and feed him? cripes.
Again it depends on the types of couples at the party or dinner. You can have couples who won't pry themselves away from each other or mingle, you can have people who are hooked up with people who seemingly have never been out in public before and know knowing of social skills, or people who have to keep watchful eyes over their alcoholic, too loud , roaming etc partner. My eyes also tend to glaze over a bit when in a party of young parents who seemingly can talk for hours about the contents of their children's diapers (not the case with all parents).
Oh and another pet peeve....the anti-matchmaking. That knee jerk reaction some people seem to have when one half of a couple shows up at a party alone, and a single person so much as speaks to the individual. It's kind of obvious when someone makes sure they tell me a few times (often unrelated to the convo and only to me), that so and so's GIRLFRIEND is this that or the other thing and that his GIRLFRIEND couldn't make it tonight. Damn , and here i had already picked out the wedding china.
p.s. a fun idea for dinner parties or parties in general. I knew of someone a couple of years back who used to throw an anti-valentines day party....all singles were welcome, and couples were not allowed to come unless they showed up with a single guest in tow !!