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Table Manners
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Dinner with Mr. and Mrs. McPerfectHow to deal with tense hosts |
Dear Helena,
Whenever we are invited to the McPerfects’ for dinner, I get a lump in the pit of my stomach. The food is always delicious, the table settings worthy of Martha Stewart, but the tension that surrounds these productions gives me indigestion. I always offer to help, but I am frequently turned down. I would rather eat simple food with a calm host and hostess than be at the table when Mr. McPerfect is squabbling with Mrs. McPerfect about the dishes that the salads are served in. Do you have any tips to being a better guest? —Imperfect Tense
Dear Imperfect Tense,
When your hosts are going crazy trying to make everything perfect, it’s all too easy to let their stress infect you. As Bo Forbes, a yoga teacher and clinical psychologist, says, control freaks usually harbor “underlying anxiety,” and this can easily be transmitted to those around them. But try to stay calm. This will help you get through the evening, and as a side benefit, Forbes points out, “Your calmness can be ‘contagious’ to your hosts as well.”
When your hosts become extremely agitated because they can’t find the marrow spoons for the osso buco, take a deep breath. Inhale for one count, exhale for two. “Two-to-one breathing calms and slows the heart, stilling the fight-or-flight response,” Forbes says. As you relax, she advises: “Cultivate as much compassion for your hosts as possible.” It helps to reflect on what is driving their behavior.
As your heart fills with compassion, you may feel an urge to banish your hosts’ insecurities, telling them it’s their company that matters to you, not their quail egg amuse-bouches. But don’t expect such assurances to have much effect. “The attempt to be perfect is a way of compensating for low self-esteem,” Forbes says.
“Usually they’re suffering from deep-rooted insecurities,” says Mark Epstein, a Buddhist psychotherapist and author of the forthcoming Psychotherapy Without the Self: A Buddhist Perspective. In other words, you’re probably not going to change them.
Similarly, if your hosts start bickering over the tableware, avoid the temptation to defuse the situation with a humorous remark. Your hosts are enacting engrained relationship patterns, and you can’t alter those with a one-liner. Instead, stare into the middle distance and focus on your breath.
You should offer to help in the kitchen. But Mr. and Mrs. McPerfect are likely to decline your offer. Don’t insist. If they are busy drizzling hot caramel over the croquembouche, they don’t want you interrupting to ask whether they have a clean chopping board.
So how can you help? Diane Winslow, co-owner of a plant and herb nursery in Austin, Texas, and a frequent dinner-party host, says: “To be a good guest is to help get things moving, but not necessarily by prepping in the kitchen. I like people … to make newcomers feel at home, and get the conversation going.” If the guests are having fun, the hosts may calm down a little too. They may even stop worrying for a moment about the calligraphy on their place cards or the seasoning in their homemade gnocchi. Just don’t count on it.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
Stress at mealtime? Life is too short. Get new friends.
Wow, I just realized that I can be an overly obsessive hostess. The drive to get it PERFECT kicks in and I'm lost. Usually, I try to calm down by the time guests are there, but not always. I need to really try to change that. Frankly, the only one who notices the flubs is me!
If this couple makes you so uncomfortable, then why do you keep going to their house for dinner? If you can't handle the tension, that's your problem, not theirs - they are who they are and you know that before you go over to their house., You are not going to change them. If you don't like the situation at the dinner table, then don't go!
Man, this sounds like a big downer. I had a friend who used to invite a group of people over after one of their big trips, being world travelers, and have a long, drawn-out slide show of their travels and serve almost no food or drink. I'd bet big money she did it as a tax writeoff, but anyway, she spent half the time yapping at her husband to do things for her and the other half being pissed off because he wasn't doing it fast enough to suit her. If there was any time left she used it to keep people from walking on her pristeen hardwood floors by keeping them outside (during the summer, in Arizona, where if it isn't way too hot you're up to your ears in insects due to the rainy season). Maybe the tax laws changed, but she doesn't do that any more. I may have missed the last one of those, but they weren't pleasant for the most part, and I think I know where you're coming from. Maybe you could invent a previous committment, with your apologies. And thanks for letting me vent.
I agree. Stop going over there. I don't think any food is good enough to sit through a lousy experience. If it were a restaurant and the staff broke out into arguments or you were seated next to horribly obnoxious diners, you'd leave.
Stop going, and if they ever ask why, kindly tell them the reason. You'd be doing them a favor. I can only imagine what they're like when people aren't around.
I think Bo Forbes is lame. The statement about attempting to be perfect being a sign of low self esteem is silly. More likely the hosts have really high levels of self confidence and KNOW they can pull off perfection. One person's "tense" is another person's "game face." I think type A people enjoy the stress of last minute organized chaos. I would advice the worried guest to remember the adage "if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen."
Yikes, so little compassion for the stressed-out hosts! For some reason I'm imagining a young couple, so it may take a few tries at co-hosting a dinner party before it becomes old hat. I think everyone tends to stress out a bit when entertaining, although perhaps the McPerfects are taking it to extremes.
I guess one thing you can try to do is to be good guests (as the author suggests), compliment them truthfully, and hope they gain confidence and relax over time. OR invite them to a more relaxed dinner party and show 'em how it's done with simpler food and happier hosts. Seems harsh to advocate ditching friends for throwing a few bad parties.
IIf it's really bad, it might be worth raising the question with your friend(s) to ask if everything is OK outside of the dinner-party-hosting arena, instead of cutting off contact.
I agree, Pomme. I remember being young and trying complicated recipes and getting freaky about wine glasses and timing, etc., etc. As you grow into entertaining, you discover dishes you can throw together without stress, and you and your partner sort out who's good at doing what during evening.
I love the idea of inviting the Mr. & Mrs. Perfect over for a simple, relaxed dinner. They'll figure it out.
if they are REALLY your friends, then you should have no problem telling them to chill out.....
or why not just host your own party and have a potluck?
Maybe Ms. McPerfect wants everything to be really nice, and Mr. McPerfect is being a big jerk because his idea of a "nice dinner" involves sitting on the couch with a bucket of chicken, watching TV, and farting.
And there are many people who are intimidated by the appearance of perfection. That "Martha Stewart" look makes many women feel jealous and resentful! So anyone who can pull it off is labelled as a stressed-out hag who has to bark orders at everyone to get it done. Getting invited to a dinner like this should be flattering. If someone wants to go to a little trouble for you, then you must be really special to them.
But of course, people always have to look a gift horse in the mouth. Insult the host behind her back. Criticize her because you don't have her skills.
There are some people who think everything is super fancy just because paper napkins aren't being used. Or because the hostess opens a good bottle of wine instead of the kind from a box. What is she supposed to do, clip her toenails at the table so you don't feel intimidated?
I think compassion from the guests to the hosts is best in the above situation--if the guests care about them. The McP's are freaking out at their dinner party (God knows I've been there!) because they want to present a "perfect" experience to their guests. (Humans being human, something will go awry.)
Walking over to the McP's in mid-flight, lay a hand on their arm or shoulder, and say, "I want you to know how much I appreciate you inviting us into your lovely home and the wonderful dinner you're making for us. Thank you for all your time and hard work."
In my experience I've found a short, sincere statement of thanks and compassion goes a long way to defusing a tense situation. (Compared to my natural inclination to give someone the finger.)
It's possible you reach them in a "teachable moment" and help them see they don't need to be Martha Stewart and it's okay to relax and have a (gasp!) less than "perfect" evening.
If they're not responsive, either keep trying or if you want to continue friendship with them, calmly accept them freaking at their dinner parties and just surf it.
mldubose, you sound a little defensive there, and not a little bit like Mr and Mrs Costanza.
I'll bet that most people on this forum don't clip their toenails at the table, nor do they mostly drink wime out of a box. If somebody has you over for dinner and fights with their spouse all evening, they aren't showing their guests a good time. If the trappings and service are more important to you than the company, you shouldn't have people over because they may just mess up your perfect plans.
KenWriez, you're absolutely correct..
I am COMPLETELY defensive. Too much sometimes!
I have invited people over and made things very nice for them only to be insulted. Of course it's comments like, "We never do stuff like this at home." Or "I NEVER use real napkins". I know a "tone" when I hear one. Of course, I think I may have a higher number of toxic people in my world too.
I was never invited to their houses again after that. After working hard to make sure my guests were treated to an extremely nice dinner, they would sit there like I had done something wrong and completely ignore me. Meanwhile, my husband would be making comments to me that I "shouldn't have gone to so much trouble". Well, to me going to some effort for people you care about is never trouble. It's not that I have a martyr complex, but I've learned that I should save my efforts for those who truly appreciate them.
I did go overboard with my comment. Could you tell it struck a nerve?
I meant, could you tell this topic struck a nerve?
"Ditto" I am with Mldubose : )
I try to pull off "Martha" all the time ..heck, I was Martha before she showed up! LOL
Really, I know, you work hard to give your friends a great dinner and well...you know the rest!!
They want to help and just toss stuff on the talbe and gobble it down...after you spent hours/days getting it all togather so that you can have a this great meal with them!
Thanks for making me feel better..... "I" am not alone : )
P.S. I had to show my husbby your input he is still LOL!
I am planning a weekend as I type for a few friends from out of town, I will show them these comments when they get here...I am sure they will enjoy them as much as I have!
: )
I don't think the OP was complaining that the hosts were trying to be perfect, or were perfect, just the amount of "squabbling" to get there. The most important skill any host has is making his or her guests comfortable and welcome and constant low-level sniping does NOT.
unless you're playing, 'dinner takes all' no need to be so uptight! but I have .. or should say, had .. friends like these .. too stressful for me and a meal - mealtime should be a place to relax, enjoy and feel warm and lovey with the atmosphere ... simply, accept no more than one invite per yer or altogether bow out and let them know at the time of the invite why "you guys are too much" should do :)
p.s. I'm that guest that believes in proper dinner etiquette along with putting arms on the table, sue me
One thing that I've found makes a huge difference at an uncomfortable gathering is putting on some quirky but relaxing music (ultra lounge, bossa nova, classical guitar, etc). Take the initiative and bring along your pod or favorite disc. If they refuse to let you play some dinner music then you probably don't want to be dining with them to begin with :)
Another way to relax your hosts is to bring along ingredients for a favorite cocktail and whip up a pitcher of something special to share with everyone. There's a recipe for stellar blackberry-thyme margaritas on the net and those tend to go over wildly at gatherings.
I've been the hyper-host before and I can relate to wanting everything to be as ideal as possible. Not to sound too base, but saucy music, a few cocktails, and a joint should loosen these people up. You're all there to enjoy each others company; bring your own contribution to the dinner and don't let uber-hosts ruin what should have been a lovely time together.
I have a question about the salad plate squabble??? Is it the fact that one of them is the Martha type, or both of them the Martha type (God forbid), or is it that they fight all the time.....
My guess is both.
>>KenWritez, you're absolutely correct.<<
You know, I can't see that posted too much, lol.... Thanks EWS.
Hmm. I was watching "The Dog Whisperer" and, taking a thread from the book of the dog Luigi, I thought this might be a solution: Invite the McP's over for dinner. Tell them it's casual. Serve them pulled pork BBQ and french fries on paper plates and pour them beer or wine. Put on a good movie or some relaxing music, and just unwind. Slouch in your chair. If you like, talk about sports or anything that will generate conversation but not attacks or judgments from the McP's to each other. (Well, talk about whatever generates the least amount of heat, anyway.) Don't react to any of their snipes. If they can't unwind with you, and their behavior makes you crazy, then you can to decide if you want to continue the relationship or not.
>Stress at mealtime? Life is too short. Get new friends.
>
exchuse yourself from the table,
go outside and some some weed.
>Stress at mealtime? Life is too short. Get new friends.
>
excuse yourself from the table,
go outside and some some weed.