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Table Manners
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Party of OneThe dos and don’ts of dining solo |
Dear Helena,
I often travel for business, and go to restaurants by myself. However, I am unsure about the etiquette of dining solo. Are you obligated to sit at the bar, even if you’d rather have your own table? Is it rude to read while eating? Is there a way I can be more comfortable dining solo, and not feel like everybody’s viewing me as a total loser who doesn’t have any friends? —Han Solo
Dear Han Solo,
Solo diners are not second-class citizens. You have the same rights as those dining in a group. That means you get to sit at a table if you want to. People eating in groups don’t feel bad when there’s an empty chair at their table. Neither should you. If the place is packed, you may choose to sit at the bar as a courtesy, but you’re not obliged to forgo a table.
If the restaurant has a chef’s counter, you might consider eating your dinner there. Thalia Loffredo, co-owner of Zoë in New York (which is known for pampering solo diners), recommends this option: “You build a rapport with the cooks and may end up getting tastes and treats you wouldn’t get at a table.”
If you’d rather have a table, don’t feel guilty about taking up a two-top. Smart restaurants know people like you are good business. Zoë co-owner (and Thalia’s husband) Stephen Loffredo says that though solo diners spend about the same at lunch as those with companions, at dinner, singletons tend to spoil themselves. “They’ve been shopping and are tired or they’re traveling for business and want to relax,” he explains. Thalia Loffredo says that two people may “split a salad and drink water,” spending less than a single who splurges. Besides, she says, solo diners can be good repeat customers, often returning with their friends “because they don’t want you to think they don’t have any.”
Still feeling worried? Marya Charles Alexander, who advises restaurants and customers on all aspects of solo dining, suggests that you order a bottle of wine. This will help you relax and enjoy your meal, and is also a way for you to ingratiate yourself with the restaurant. “Drink a couple of glasses, and then send it back to the kitchen with your compliments,” Alexander says. “That way, the restaurant staff will remember you next time.”
It’s OK to read. “I’ve asked hundreds of white-tablecloth establishments,” says Alexander, “and restaurants just want you to be comfortable.” Lanny Lancarte, owner of Lanny’s Alta Cocina Mexicana, an upscale restaurant in Fort Worth, agrees: “Staring at the wall or at the artwork can get boring.”
Solo diners usually receive a few curious glances from other customers. But according to Alexander, all other diners want is “to know that solo dining is OK with you.” So when anyone looks over, give him or her a cheery smile. You’ve reason to be happy: Unlike that person, you’ve got no one to distract you from savoring every bite.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
I'm a female who's eaten solo in places ranging from dives to three star restaurants, and I simply don't get the big deal about it. I have discovered that the thing to do if you want people to talk to you is read a book. People simply can't resist bothering you if you're reading. I suppose they can't believe that you really want to read and see a book as a cry for attention.
As for worrying about "curious glances" from other patrons or going back to a restaurant with friends to prove I have them, what the heck?? Who is this insecure? And why should people be nosy/patronizing enough to worry about a solo diner?
Hilarious, what wild imaginations the Loffredos have.
"...solo diners can be good repeat customers, often returning with their friends 'because they don’t want you to think they don’t have any.'"
Now I have to schedule follow-up dinners, to make sure restaurant owners think I'm cool enough to have friends? Making a note of this... So hard to keep track of all the people I should be worried about impressing.
The bar is ideal for single diners, but of course you can have your own table! In fact, it's wonderful to sit amid the buzz of a good restaurant and people watch. You will find that people either pay no attention to you at all, or else engage you in conversation. I've met tons of people dining by myself all, and I've also been completely and blissfully ignored.
Generally, the service I get is excellent: I particularly remember the waiter and the sommelier at L'Auberge in Sedona, who went out of their way to make me feel comfortable. The waiter, who was French, had a long conversation with me about France, and the sommelier stored the rest of my wine in their fridge so I could drink it the next night.
I don't take a book, but once in a while, I do take my journal or make notes to myself if I've had a hectic day and I need to organize for the next day. However, if it's a particularly good place, I won't do that. I'm there to eat, and I truly enjoy savoring a meal.
I love to go out to a restaurant by myself with a good book... or tabloid trash magazine. I've never really been bothered sitting at a table. Eating at the bar seems to be the more social way to go, especially at a crowded restaurant where people are waiting for tables. When everyone's had a couple of drinks, people start becoming really chatty, wanting to compare beverage selections or telling good travelling stories. It's great fun!
I moved to Southern California when I was 17 to go to USC. I didn't know anyone and quickly learned to get comfortable going most places alone. I got sick of eating take out and renting movies. As a girl, this was a bit hard but I realized that when I see people who are out by themselves, I just assume they are business people, travelers, or simply too busy and hungry to wait around for friends to dine with. Knowing that I couldn't care less about people eating alone, I realized most other people don't either.
When I'm not in school, I'm waiting tables at a pretty nice, small-chain restaurant. We get a lot of business people, and while any server would rather have a 5 top than a singleton, the parties of one are often more friendly, less fussy, and don't linger too long. Even as a server, I haven't ever heard any of my co-workers judge them as losers without friends. In fact, one of our most regular diners is a famous actor that comes in several times a week and is almost always alone. I'm pretty sure he could get a date if he wanted to.
The only exception to the "it's ok to read" rule is at a sushi bar. If you're at a Japanese restaurant and want to read, it's better to sit in the dining room rather than the bar, as it's a sign of respect to pay full attention to the sushi chef and your meal.
Is it okay to have your iPod on though, is what I'm wondering, because I just saw that at lunch and it looked so offensively futuristic/cut off from society... but then again, who cares what people think?
Since we no longer live in a world where it is expected that everyone be coupled by age 20, and that anyone who isn't is some sort of pathetic "old maid", sitting alone is much less of a source of potential embarrassment and requires no explination or apology.
"I vant to be alone" can be a good thing.
To lessleyellen about the iPod: I have tuned out society several times while dining. For example, there is one restaurant in the Des Moines (Iowa) area which plays big band music in the background, in order to approximate the Iowa of the 1930s and 1940s (I believe). As one who used to have breakfast at that restaurant, I decided to tune out the old-time music by listening to more modern music on my personal CD player several times. The restaurant people never took the hint and I haven't been back since.
As far as listening to iPods in restaurants, I personally think it's a bit rude. Not as rude as talking on a cell phone, but distracting to other customers and a nuisance to the server attempting to take your order. Anyway, I'm fighting a losing battle, so I'll just say that iPods and the like should be restricted to cafes and casual joints, and the listener should refrain from rockin' out during the meal. In other words, if I'm at the next table and can hear your music, it's too loud, and if you're engaging in excessive finger drumming, head banging, or air guitar solos, I'm going to ask to be moved.
I think the iPod thing is probably best kept to one ear--otherwise you waste the waiter's time as she tries to ask you if things are okay, or offer you dessert and you have to fumble to get the ear piece out to hear them. I tend to either read or write while in restaurants solo.
And I never sit at the bar.
I often go out to lunch and dinner alone, and have no problem with it at places that have no problem with me. Often, I find that the second time I show up alone to a place (cheap or not so cheap), I am welcomed in like a long-lost relative, my order from the previous time is remembered, etc, and I'm far from a spendthrift and am rarely a gregarious guest. Mainly I read a magazine. I'd have no problem sitting at the bar, but often the bar is not comfortable -- stools very close together, less elbow room than on those Embraer regional jets, heat from the grill hitting me in the face if the bar is in front of an open kitchen, etc. Has anyone else developed a complex about this, or is it just me? I've been tempted to point out the physical shortcomings of the bar area to managers and demonstrate that there is little room, but I would feel like I were in a Woody Allen movie if I did.
Oh, and I went to Zoe once with several others and we were not pampered. Maybe I should have gone alone.
I agree with lemonfaire on the iPod issue -- if you want YOUR music with your food, eat in a place that plays it. I wonder how waitstaff feels about these things? It is very much like those thoughtful folks who share their music from their cars while we sit in traffic via huge speakers in the rear of their vehicles.
I too travel for business and eat alone frequently. I bring along the newspaper and no one ever chats me up. I ask the hostess for a table with some light, and usually end up with a comfy booth. I almost never get bad service, because I am kind and friendly to the staff, and often get "treated" in return. I would never order a bottle of wine just to drink one or two glasses however (the fact that I am usually driving notwithstanding). I just dont want to open an overpriced bottle and then give it away.
All thoughtful comments. I dine out alone while traveling and sometimes here in my hometown. I have come to enjoy it very much. I think the key to Han Solo's question about feeling comfortable is that if you are comfortable being alone you will be more likely to be comfortable dining alone. If you are not happy about having to being alone on that particular day or trip, either take some work along and get something done or choose the bar if you like the looks of it. Sitting alone in a dining room, I am usually left alone. Dining at the bar alone, I am more likely to have people talk to me. But be assured that no one is staring at you as a single diner anymore than they are staring at the groups. Its just that when you are with others, you don't notice the staring. I have read, written, stared at others, conversed with the waiter, taken out my laptop. Haven't tried the Ipod yet - not sure what I think of that but I am almost 50 so it may be a generation thing. I don't like to hear others music leaking out of others ears or cars but I don't think it anymore rude than a loud dinner conversation. Observe your surroundings, adapt and choose the appropriate behavior, I guess. I do enjoy the chefs counter concept and recommend you take advantage of it in restaurants that have it. You get some conversation and attention but still can enjoy the solitary dining experience.
If one must buy a bottle of wine and then give it to the kitchen staff in order to ingratiate herself them or as an apology for dining alone, must she also buy cocktails or wine for all of the other diners? Should she buy a second bottle for the server? Maybe a bottle of fine cognac for the owner? Then will everybody really, really approve of her?
I'm trying to figure out how much money to take the next time I eat out by myself...
I don't understand the antipathy being expressed against iPod listeners, especially the analogy to "folks who share their music from their cars while we sit in traffic via huge speakers in the rear of their vehicles". Only the person wearing the iPod hears the iPod - it's not at all like the car stereos.
Personally, I only wear my iPod at the gym anyhow. I bring a book to read when dining alone, but usually put it away when my food arrives.
Karen_Schaffer: Perhaps people where you live are more polite than they are here, but in my city, there are people on the public transportation system whose iPod volumes are cranked up so high that you can hear their music with relative clarity from 15 feet away. The fact that they're using earbuds doesn't prevent loud enough noises from traveling.
I'm indifferent to iPods in restaurants. I have one, but I don't use it often and probably wouldn't think to listen to music while I eat.
I've eaten lunch alone in this chinese restuarant that serves GREAT dim sum, and I bring a book, and no one pays me any mind,
I agree with cordybrown--ya gotta be comfortable with yourself alone before you're comfortable dining alone. Also--eating solo is pretty much only weird/scary/odd-feeling the first time...after that, it's no big deal. It's wonderfully freeing not to have to wait for someone else to go to your favorite restaurant.
And, as a single woman, learning to eating out alone was a step in being ok with who I am and where I am in life. The fact that we even HAVE a cultural expectation that you'll eat out with other people says a lot about how we expect everyone to be in a relationship and/or to be surrounded by friends at all time.
I'm in my mid-twenties, live with my partner, and very often welcome the peace and relative quiet that comes with the territory of dining alone. I'm an artist and usually bring a small sketchbook, as there's always something (or someone) interesting to draw in a restaurant, and I find this often invites pleasant conversation from the staff or other patrons if I'm in the mood (but it's easy enough to ward off unwanted hangers-on). Whether dining solo or en masse, I am always friendly to the staff, and the waiters at my favorite places know me anyway and I often benefit from the perks.
the problem with solo dining is that another solo diner assumes that you want them to join you - I've learned to bring a book/magazine, something to rush my eyes towards .. but most of the time, I just like to eat in peace and people watch, by myself. When I see solo diners, I always assume they're the most confident in the cafe as they don't need a validation of someone who may or may not pay for the meal, there :) go solo diners!
Eating at the bar is my preferred location when dining alone. The bartender or bar servers don't bat an eye and can often be great conversationalists. If you're from out of town they are great sources of local color recommendations. But I do bring a magazine or book so I have something to do while waiting/eating.
Re: IPODs - The qualms would be that your server can't interact with you without repeating themselves once you turn your music off. Pretty rude to me. Jacquilynne is right on.
I used to wait tables and at lunch there would often be parties of one. The ones who sat in my section became regulars, I gave them "freebies", they tipped well, we chit-chatted, etc. I actually liked the break from big tables to go talk to my "single" tables. It's not like they were lonely people or didn't have friends. They would come in on their lunch break or whatever, and sometimes bring a friend.
Braniff with the comment about the Iowa restaurant's big band music - I was completely with you until you said "The restaurant people never took the hint."
What on earth did you mean by that? Did you expect the restaurant to change the music programming of their preference just because they see one diner wearing earbuds?
I am curious what you expected them to do? Come over to you and ask what was on your playlist?
It's nice that we have technology that makes it possible for you to opt for a different choice in music without bothering others. But why would you expect a restaurant to change their music to suit you, if their other patrons seem to enjoy it?
To qsw: Thank you for your response. Perhaps I was a bit too harsh on my judgment, but I thought the Iowa restaurant wanted to force its atmosphere of "old house attic" to everyone who ate there. Perhaps it had to do with the way the music was being broadcast--not just in the restaurant, but also in the adjoining hotel lobby and the skywalk which ran through it. Visitors cannot escape the music nor the fake relics (the pictures of the 1930s and 1940s celebrities who visited the hotel, for example). For example, I wondered which celebrities the hotel had served lately--after all, didn't the management know anything about the world-famous Iowa caucuses which are held every four years in the winter? But the restaurant and hotel seem content with their atmosphere that evokes the past (much like Disneyland, only cornier--no pun intended). That is why I avoid that place nowadays.
I've dined alone lots of times, I try to sit by the window to enjoy the view if possible, and i don't read unless it's a coffee shop or a breakfast meal and i'm reading the paper. Have never had a weird experience, although sometimes the waitstaff can pay a little too much attention or chat too much when i'm not in the mood, but i can't fault them for that.
As for the iPod issue, yes other people can hear besides the listener...i was about 20 feet away from someone just the other day and could still hear his music, or at least the beat of it which is more annoying than hearing the actual music.
I just moved to L.A. and I'm in my mid-30s. My husband can't join me here for another 3 months, and while I do have a few friends here, I'm generally alone, and discovering that's it's pretty great. It all depends on your perspective of yourself, which is influenced by all kinds of things, age being one of them. I think it would have been a lot tougher for me to do this in my 20s. But these days, I'm generally just more secure about who I am and don't really give a rip who thinks what about me. In a strange way, I think solo women confidently dining alone is actually pretty sophisticated and cool. I feel that way more and more every time I dine out alone.
Han, you will be just fine. When it comes to dining by ones self, I am an expert. I am 40 and have never been married with no kids. All my friends have evaporated over time by the aforementioned. I am not going to sit home and sulk. It;s like going to the movies by yur self. Although, if you are looking for a stiff drink, sit at the bar as you can build a relationship and get stiff drinks because the tip goes directly to the bartender.
I feel all should be able to dine alone, wear a ipod (at reasonable volume) read a book or whatever. I feel I can really explore new restaurants better when dining alone and if it is a regular haunt I can get even better service. I never worry about how other people think of me, as I give them very little mind myself.