stories : The Ten
Ten ways to know it’s gonna be bad
Ten signs of a bad restaurant.
Sure, you can bravely try the food, or first read reviews on Chowhound. But there are other ways of knowing, before you eat, whether a restaurant’s going to suck. Here are 10 signs that usually indicate a place is unpopular for a reason, uses mostly frozen ingredients, and/or hasn’t changed its menu since wasabi mashed potatoes were captivating the nation. And yes, we know there are exceptions to these general rules. (In fact, we encourage you to tell us your favorite exceptions.)
1. The restaurant’s got clogged pepper shakers or ketchup bottles with dried ketchup caked around the lid.
2. The menu is pointlessly long—anything in the neighborhood of five pages should be a warning sign.
3. The menu uses excessive adjectives in dish descriptions, particularly the word luscious.
4. The waitstaff immediately perks up because you’re the first customer to come in all week (or you’re the only person there on a Saturday night at 8:30).
5. You see bread in a bunch of prefilled baskets sitting in the back. They probably put them together hours ago, and the bread is likely to be dry.
6. The menu is under a piece of plexiglass laid on the table.
7. The mop sink is in the bathroom, and there are mops in it.
8. There are glasses hanging upside down over the bar, and they’re all dusty.
9. In addition to wobbly tables, there are sugar packets strewn under the table, once acting as table stoppers but never cleaned up.
10. There’s a “tent menu” on the table advertising specials, or a folded, creased, and stained specials page clipped inside the menu.
If the bathroom is dirty, you can usually assume that the same goes with the kitchen,
Much of the wait staff is congregated near an outside door, smoking.
The adjectives "zesty" or "tangy" appear anywhere on the menu.
There's a couple of these that I have minor issues.
On the first one, pepper is definitely the key word for a stuck shaker. Where I work, as far as I know we have never refilled the salt and pepper shakers just because nobody ever uses them.
Number 4 does not apply in Phoenix or Tucson in July and August. Seemingly half the town disappears, and mom-and-pop restaurants get very quiet, especially during the week. Some relatively ancient restaurants (but then, in Phoenix, anything established more than 10 years is generally considered as "been there forever") even close up shop and go on vacation for a month.
And then there's Number 7. Oh, number 7. What a wonderful exception I had to number 7. There was a very teeny little place in Tucson called Cafe Poca Cosa. Don't worry too much about it, it has a bigger, nicer home down the street now. Anyway, the place only had 8 tables, room for 4 in the kitchen only if everyone was on good terms with each other, and 1 restroom for anyone who needed it. To access the restroom, you had to go *through* the kitchen. But oh! The food was the most glorious Mexican food you could get outside of Mexico itself, and likely gave the majority of restaurants in Mexico a good run for their money. We're talking pollo en mole that invoked Like Water For Chocolate magic. It is my gold standard for mole sauce. I have never tasted one better anywhere, and I wonder if I ever will. The author may find warning flags in such things, I just find it to be a signal of some very true Chowhounding.
Oh, and Brenda, waiters are like nurses: A very large number smoke. Seeing them outside smoking just means that it's a slow moment in the restaurant.
I have an exception to number 2. There is a restaurant near where my mother lives in mid Michigan that attempts to do the unthinkable: expose the rather isolated midwesterns to more global flavors. They do this by featuring a long menu where different pages are inspired by different regional flavors- South American, Asian, Mediterranean. Even vegetarian and vegan dishes (this is cow country people!) Furthermore, they have a very decent Kids menus, along with pages and pages of domestic and imported wines and beers. Though the food is not close to 100% authentic and is far from what you would consider 'gourmet,' it is an one of the kind restaurant in a place otherwise surrounded by food chains and strip mails. My mother went there before I was born and now we go there together every time I visit home. Even though I now live in the foodie paradise of San Fran, it still holds a place on my lists of favorite restaurants
If they use "gonna" instead of going to
star7bs,
Is the mid-Michigan restaurant you mentioned The Travelers Club (and Tuba Museum) in Okemos?
hear are some more signs: cig butts outside the main entrance; workers who smoke returning to wwork without washing hands and smelling as though they are still smoking.
staff chewing gum while working with food and customers.
bothe men and women playing with their hair and other parts of their body.
dirty or soiled shirts and heavy perfumes or other cover spray.
hair gels, they have now descovered the constant use of water as a cheaper gel.
table lenin under glass tops.
lights turned down so low that you can not read or see a menu.
soiled plastic menus
open doors in summer that allow all sorts of flying and walking things in to eat with you.
the use of the word fresh to describe foods that are not
the sound of microwaves going off when they start preparing your food..
Wait, what if it's a really good place no one has discovered yet? A place struggling to make it through the rough opening, with amazing food and great service-if only people would show up?
I don't let an empty space deter me. Some of the best meals of my life have happened in palces where we were the only people there.
Come to think of it, I think the pepper was clogged in a few of those places. Probably from pesky kids.
1, 2, 6, 7, and 10 describe the typical Chinese hole-in-the-wall in the San Francisco Bay Area, many of which are awful but there are quite a few in this category that are very good. I wouldn't consider these criteria differentiating factors in any way for separating the ones that turn out good food from the bad.
I got a laugh about the "table lenin". And a table Mao? Sorry, can't help imagining an Ostalgic resto with a reverentially-lit socialist-realist bust of some Fearless Leader.
Actually, things like glass or plexiglas indicate a downscale or very casual resto - many are horrid but some may have very good home cooking. Idem cleaning supplies in the toilet. I've seen that in many places - as long as the toilet is clean, it really isn't a problem.
I second the dirty bathroom. Seeing long term grime accumulated on various restroom surfaces is never a good sign.
i agree with Melanie, 1,2, 6,7,10 would prob describe most of the chinese restaurants in NYC's chinatown. even so, i would still go there to eat- the food is still great and haven't gotten sick.
I was taught long ago to check the hot water tap in the bathroom. No hot water heater= dishes washed in cold water= bad news.
But these ten don't daunt me.
Jackie, I think you're safe to stop checking the water. I would imagine that just about every restaurant in existence would want to have running hot water (think it takes a long time to boil a gallon? Try 20!), and on top of that no hot water is almost certainly going to go against health codes anywhere you go in the States; the health inspector has already checked for you.
Some of the best places I've eaten have been dirty.
How come the author gets to use the word "suck" but whenever I post anything veering toward the controversial these days it gets deleted?
Yes - it depends on the restaurant. Here's how I figure a Chinese restaurant out:
A Chinese restaurant - is bad if no Chinese there eating - No Chinese menu taped to the wall - no fish tanks - none of the workers has a Chinese accent - there are pictures of the food on the wall or the menu - you see "egg foo young" on the menu - the menu is entirely in English - all the tables are square - there are no chop sticks
A Chinese restaurant is good if the waiter seems disinterested to serve you - the menu is grimy - the menu is chock full of mis-spelled words or poor translations - the walls need painting by a professional - the carpet needs to be replaced - you can hear hollering and shouting in the kitchen but you cannot understand if there is a fight or normal operations because it's all in Chinese - all the tables are round - if you don't look Asian, they ask you if you want a fork - you can bring in your own beer and whiskey and no one cares
At all costs avoid restaurants with fresh blood on the knives.
my comment is all of this people doesn't know how hard people can survive in the restaurant business is...but let me tell you something ,we want to go to the restaurant because of four things only in the restaurant:
1. food cost. if food cost too expensive for example we live at the neighborhood of CBS ( Cheap Bastard Shit ) then we can't sell our food too high price ..of course I know some people rich can afford to spend money $ 100,- more everyday without pain in the head. But people will rather spend money less in the food than others.. we understand.
2. Service ... Some of the restaurant are not stabil their business
so they only can afford to hire couple employees only. Think
Every First time business owner the first and two year are struggling with their business. Plus some people are doing comentatoring their business at the Internet ... of course some of them are good manner and some of them are bad.. bad manner.
The last one I am not suggesting to people every where.
what I am suggesting is do the right thing to correct the owner of the business ,give them some applaud to rebuilding their business or you can sent them mail or E-mail to give them suggestion to rebuild their business.. not to be knock down their business. That's why I suggest somehow People know that's wrong but they don't want to correct them rather curse them close..it close them.. that's bad attitude for new generation of people in this country. Example you know wait staff smoking outside the restaurant tell the manager NOT TO DO THAT..
because smoke cig is bad for health.I hope People can understand business owner wants to make their business prosperous to what ?
... to come back paying TAX,Insurance,Bills,Food Cost,And Salary For Employee. Remember if nobody wants to be Business owner in this Country there will not have any job in this
country. Result will nobody paying your Taxes in this country.
second thought they would be more crime than peace will create. because people have no money...
Especially now in this era people who has the business every year they have a lot struggling in their business.because food cost rise up day by day ( as result of increase of the gasoline,oil )and also I 've Heard somehow people said now the new business owner are hard to hire qualified employees because their status of Imigration.I had a question do the business owner can afford to pay employees if food cost rise up, hiring no more non Imigrant to work in the dirty place such of the KITCHEN Or Dishwasher ?
if American only wants to pay A Buck for their lunch sandwich
New Business Owner Can'not afford to pay $ 15,- an hour for employees( Legal Imigrant or American )if their food to sell only
A Buck of Lunch Sandwich.
3. Quality Of Food ... Quality of Food Determine by Three Catagories: A. Healthy ... Not Every Expensive Food Are Healthy
but also some are NOt Every Cheap Price Food Are Healhty...
To Know This you must Know what ingredient in the Food are going to be put in your mouth.Most American are Fat because of What ? Soda,Sugar, Junk Food such as fried stuff. I came in this country already eight years , First years I like to Drink any soda one day I can drink almost 5-6 can every day all soda's.
Result In the fourth year I almost have Kidney Stone and Failure.
and also I have Fatty belly's in my stomach same biggest with 6 month pregnant woman.You want to join me ?
B. Food Ingridient ... Before you order the food look carefully of the ingredient of the food especially if you allergy with that..
but don' t make any revenge to the restaurant who was mistakes
making your food wrong order, just tell them to exchange them with your any special order.
C.Food Handling ....this is very Important to Know that I 've been eaten at the restaurant who was serving Chicken teriyaki with Steam Chicken. You Know Chicken has Salmonella Bacteria who was can ' t kill them by steam only....? It Must be Grilled or Pan Fried then will be Safety to Eat.
4. Location...... Some of the People are not mind sit at the small area table if the food are Excelent,cost are Excelent,service are okay..even the restaurant are not too Fancy atmosphere I like to spend $ 100,- Buck to sit at the junkies restaurant design atmosphere. But the Food are Excelent, Price are Excelent, Service yeah can be fairly good. but that' s okay for my family dinner.But I will Rethinking Twice to Eat at somewhere place who has difficulties parking spot, heavy traffic jam,Heavy Parking Ticket, a lot of people hang-out drugs dealers,or somewhere has a lot fighting gangs area in the night time.
Heat lamps. Those are usually not a good sign.
By the time you get to the low-calorie sweetener and it's clumped .... it's too late. You already had a meal.
When you see a revolving carousel with pastries ... stay away.
When it has golden arches in front.
When you see underwear. It's my biggest pet peeve. Nothing is worse than seein gyour servers G-string &/or a pair of Joe Boxers. Pull them up, put a belt on and tuck your shirt in or wear a longer one.
Who allows these people to stay on the floor?
11. the press (but not the blogs) usually do a good job.
http://www.sfweekly.com/2007-07-25/ne...
12. then there's the city.
http://www.dph.sf.ca.us/eh/Violations...
Boy oh boy this post got a lot less criticism than mine did when I posted it 2 weeks before this one. Mine was geared a bit more towards upscale: http://www.chowhound.com/topics/418374
like the author, I think most of the posters are taking this whole thing too seriously... of course an NYC chinese restaurant with great sesame noodles or a Ft. Worth, Texas, chili house with greasy menus can get away with a lot of shortcomings in the name of good foods... the point is that when you're getting ready to shell out 50 bucks or more per person for a real, legit MEAL, you don't want to find out that there's no soap under the "Employees Must Wash Hands" sign or that the rolls in the prepared bread baskets now have the texture of a cue ball.... excluding the problem areas already described in the posts above, I am definitely concerned when the specials menu is almost as long as the printed menu; when there are so many ingredients in a dish that they negate themselves as the chef is trying oh-so-hard to impress (who?); when the server takes your fork out of your salad and places it next to you before clearing the plates and bringing the next course instead of bringing you a clean one; and especially when the restaurant -- whether pub grub, steak house, irish bar or generally American -- offers sushi... stick to what you know, whoever you are...
The waiting staff not smiling would tell me something terribly wrong.
I don't know where else to post this. Why do people keep recommending dumps to us? We live in Medford, Oregon, not the center of culinary creativity. Still, we are constantly told to eat here or there and when we go it's a dump. On Chowhound, recommendations have been for NoHo's (great name, huh?) and Ali's Thai. Holy cow, they're dismal. Sticky bottles, cheapest of furniture, sullen servers. So, stop it Medford folks. There are some really good places here -- McGrath's Fish House, Bambu, Vinny's (select items), Jackson Creek Pizza, and more. But stop it, stop it, sending us to the dumps. We're tired of it.
three words.."grilled to perfection"
I tend to be very, very wary when I arrive at a resurant and notice that three or more tables have yet to be cleared of the last diner's detritus. I can understand one or two tables - the busy serving staff haven't got around to it yet, but will shortly - but more than two dirty tables suggests not enough staff, or not enough staff who care, and that means I'm in for a rough evening. So I just turn around and leave.
1) When two waiters get in a verbal confrontation to see which one gets to serve you.
2) When the place is empty AND the host puts you at the table next the kitchen.
I agree with a couple of the previous posters--a shoddy bathroom with visable dirt is always a bad sign. But the biggest turn-off for me are tables left sitting dirty after patrons have left the building. Being seated and then having a server swipe at my table with a damp rag right in front of me--is enough to make me get up and leave. Vacant tables that stay dirty for more than a couple of minutes means the manager and/or servers aren't paying attention and don't care. And excuse the cliche, but if they don't care what the front of the restaurant looks like, believe me they don't care what the kitchen looks like either.
you can tell what day it is by the specials they run each day. are the servers nails clean and well kept, and is there hair stringy and not held back out of there face?
I would submit that places that use the words "appa-teaser" or "tummy-stretchin'"--and there most certainly are such places--are best avoided.
Anyplace that has a glossy menu with pictures of the food. It's usually a corporate chain with huge, unhealthy options.
I'm a cook so I can give you some real things to be concerned about. FLIES! especially in cold weather months. If you see a fly in the restaraunt in January it was bred and born there.
Meat in buckets on the floor of the kitchen, no ice, no covers. Don't eat there.
Unheigenic workers. If they are unsanitary so is everything around them. This doesn't mean a dirty uniform, because that is impossible to avoid. Dirty hair and B.O. are unnacceptable.
Bad attitudes. If they hate where they work they aren't going to care about what gets put on your plate.
I'd also like to say that the cooks are seperate from the front help.A 38 year old cook is much more concerned about the cleanliness of the kitchen than the 15 year old is about the mess left by the customers in the dining room. Unfortunate but true.
I actually adore long menus. I'm a vegetarian, and the longer the menu, the more chance they'll have something for me to eat.
I also don't mind being the only couple there, either. It means we have their undivided attention! Some of my favourite restaurants - Ho-Wah and Nina's (Chinese and Thai respectively) frequently have almost no-one in them when I choose to patronise them, so I don't hold that against a restaurant.
I generally steer clear of the coffee in any restaurant, though. I like a good cuppa, and if the meal has been wonderful, I don't want it to end on a crapulent note.....
1) Places that offer "fine dining"
2) Places that offer "a selection of fine wines"
3) Places with salt and pepper on the table (usually means the food is underseasoned, or they're used to catering to people who auto-condiment)
4) Places that offer Keno
5) Places where the waitstaff read the menu to you (as though you've never been in a restaurant before).
My question: what are the signs of a good place? What are the indications that you're going to have a great meal? Chinese people in a Chinese resto is always a good sign ... any others?
"If they use "gonna" instead of going to," star7bs? How many other regions should we avoid, according to your regional-accent prejudices? Perhaps we should never eat anywhere they pronounce a non-existent “R,” as in “tuner” instead of “tuna,” and do not pronounce an existent “R,” as in “doa” instead of “door.” In other words, do not eat anywhere in New England? If you want to give the illusion of intelligence, start by being consistent with your quote marks. If “gonna” is in quotes in your sentence, “going to” should be, also. That might help hide the ignorance of your basic premise some tiny bit.
My apologies, star7bs; I now realize the names are under the quotes, rather than over them. So, beevod, the above comment was supposed to be addressed to you.
What all this really comes down to is, "Don't judge a book by it's cover." The only way to know if the food is good is to try it or ask someone who's been there and has the same tastes as you. Some of the best food I've had has been in places with 12 page menus, the Hawaiian shrimp shacks that had chickens running all around the tables, Carribean BBQ huts with greasy tables and the Florida Ave. Grill in D.C. where, being the only white people, we were told to sit in the back with the mop buckets full of Pine-Sol. Being a little less snobby and particular can be an exciting and delicious dining experience.
I can't parse out a list of 10 distinct warning signs. I eat everywhere from holes-in-the-wall on up. Regardless of whether it's a taqueria or a four-star restaurant the one universal turnoff is seeing the staff just lolling about when the house is empty. Its' not that I'm all about seeing the staff filling salt shakers, but I've found that"lack of hustle/care" usually indicates a bad spot.
There's *always* something to do in
I have been living in CT for almost four years & have mostly found the food in restaurants to be poorly prepared, with very little seasoning, and more than half the time a poor attitude from the waitstaff. However the grocery stores are also highly overpriced, with poor selection- I think CT just has a don't-care attitude towards food. I have taken to cooking it myself if I really want a meal that actually tastes like something.
I have one solid rule where I will actually stop eating and/or walk out of the restaurant. That is - if they microwave my bread or any pastry.
Overly cutesy names, including names with a silly "e" at the end to make the name seem sophisticated. As in "olde." Deli spelled Delley or Delly (yes, we've had both in the deli-deprived DC area). Places that try to be hip. If you have to try, you aren't. Menus that haven't been spell-checked. It shows a lack of care. Windows that haven't been cleaned (high end steak house in DC), floors that haven't been swept (same high end steak house in DC). Do the decorations look like they've come from an assemble-by-the-numbers kit? Cutesy brass pots and pans or flower pots, tons of kitsch. Plastic flowers on tables. Don't bother. If you don't want to get real flowers, don't get flowers at all.
Posts like this tell more about the chowhounds than they do about the topic. The original topic was funny & sem-eye-cute, but the replies are an order of magnitude funnier (unintentionally in most cases) than the original post.
I was going to say what Melanie said -- plus what ney said: anyplace with anything "...to perfection." That kind of menuese is a dead giveaway that the menu has been written by a consultant, not the chef.
My dad always said "Never eat at a Chinese restaurant that doesn't have typos on the menu and never eat at an "American" restaurant that does!"
"Yes - it depends on the restaurant. Here's how I figure a Chinese restaurant out:
A Chinese restaurant - is bad if no Chinese there eating - No Chinese menu taped to the wall - no fish tanks - none of the workers has a Chinese accent - there are pictures of the food on the wall or the menu - you see "egg foo young" on the menu - the menu is entirely in English - all the tables are square - there are no chop sticks
A Chinese restaurant is good if the waiter seems disinterested to serve you - the menu is grimy - the menu is chock full of mis-spelled words or poor translations - the walls need painting by a professional - the carpet needs to be replaced - you can hear hollering and shouting in the kitchen but you cannot understand if there is a fight or normal operations because it's all in Chinese - all the tables are round - if you don't look Asian, they ask you if you want a fork - you can bring in your own beer and whiskey and no one cares."
_____________________________________
This is all true!!!
How about silverware (often still wet) rolled in paper napkins. Who came up with this lovely "convenience"? I especially like when the fork still has rice from the last patron's meal stuck between the prongs!