stories : Table Manners
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Gotta Take This CallIs it OK to answer your cell phone during dinner? |
Dear Helena,
The other night, I went to get Chinese food with a friend. I had my cell phone on the table. Just as our entrées arrived, my boyfriend rang. I answered because we’d had a fight and I thought he might be calling to apologize. I only spoke to him for a couple of minutes, but my friend was mad, saying: “You can talk to him later. Right now you’re supposed to be focusing on me.” Then she snatched my phone and refused to give it back until the check came. When you’re having dinner with someone, is it OK to answer your cell phone? And is it rude to leave your phone on the table? —Always Connected
Dear Always Connected,
You switch off your phone before a movie. Your friend deserves the same level of attention. Ideally, you should put your phone away altogether. That isn’t always possible, of course. There are some calls that it would be disastrous to miss. For instance, you’re someone’s sponsor in AA and he or she needs an immediate pep talk to prevent a relapse. Or your grandmother’s on her deathbed and you might miss her last words. If you think you might get such a call, explain to your friend and apologize in advance. Ask yourself, “Will something really bad happen if that call goes to voice mail?” If you can’t honestly answer “Yes,” then switch off your phone.
Many believe that although it’s rude to actually answer the phone, it’s fine to check and see who is calling. Michael Preston, a graduate student in cognitive psychology and technology who lives in Madison, New Jersey, says: “I slip the phone halfway out of my pocket and glance at it discreetly.”
But even a discreet glance may pique your companion. Stuart Fischoff, professor emeritus of media psychology at California State University–Los Angeles, says: “This is no different than if you’re at a party and you keep looking over the person’s shoulder to see if there is anyone more interesting to talk to.”
If you feel uneasy at the thought of putting your phone away, ask yourself why you need to have it out so badly. Are you on a power trip? “I’ve noticed that when someone puts their cell phone on the table, it’s when they’re above me in the hierarchy—for example, when I’m trying to sell them something,” says Andy Raskin, a San Francisco writer. Maybe on some level you want your friend to see how many calls you get. But instead of showing off about how important you are, try making your friend feel important. Stash your phone in your bag or, if you don’t have one, in your pocket (but not on vibrate mode, or you’ll be tempted to peek).
You can check your messages if your companion goes to the restroom. That way, you can be reached in case of an unexpected emergency. You’re not instantly accessible, but if it’s really bad—for example, if someone has died—it’s unlikely that delaying your response for 20 minutes is going to make that much difference anyway.
Raskin says that a friend of his, a management consultant in Japan who is known for his dynamic business meetings, always makes this request before they start: “Are you committed to the meeting? If so, everyone press the Commitment Button—turn off your phone.” When you have dinner with a friend, you should press the Commitment Button and put your phone out of sight. If you miss a call from your boyfriend, he’s not going to break up with you. It might even be good to let him stew a little.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
During meals I've used my cell phone twice: both times to call the kitchen and praise the chef.
I can not count the number of times I have seen two people in the Mall (or at some restaurant) and one of them is being completely ignored because the other is on their Cell phone.
In my opinion, we have become so accepting of so many things that many people have either forgotten how to act with class, or never learned in the first place.
Ian Lewis
I'd also point out that it's not just rude to your dining companion, but almost always, to others as well. Given the noise levels in most restaurants, most folks who answer their cellphones have a tendency to speak particularly loud, annoying everyone around them. Even worse, of course, are those who seem determined to keep their phones on the walkie-talkie style setting - mostly Nextel users, who clearly want us to know just how important their call is as they share both sides of the conversation with everyone near.
You should never see a cell phone in a restaurant during dinner, let alone talk on one!!!!
It may be rude to take a call at the restaurant table (on the extremely rare occasions -meaning twice- that I have taken a call while in a restaurant, I have immediately jumped up and walked outside, excusing myself briefly) but isn't it WAY MORE IMPOLITE to "snatch" someone's belongings and confiscate them?
Such petulant, spoiled and rude behaviour. Why would anyone want to be friends with such a fragile ego?
I almost always put my cell phone on the table at dinner, but that's only because I'm a guy and the only other option is to keep it in my pocket. Depending on what I'm wearing, that can get very uncomfortable!
Oh, do I know the temptation of a boyfriend calling!! BUT, I completely agree with the article -- Unless you are expecting a life or death call, or giving someone directions to meet you at the restaurant, then you should not check or take out your cell phone during a meal. Everything else can wait. Even glancing at it, I believe, is rude. If you are a male and it is uncomfortable to keep it your pocket while sitting down, then remove it, place it on the table, but TURN IT OFF or on silent.
In this case, the friend who snatched the phone away and held onto it was also wrong and completely childish. She should have asked you once to 'please turn off your phone' and left it at that. I'm assuming you both are adults (and friends), so you should have listened and enjoyed your time together.
Hooray for the friend. I have to think it wasn't the first time it happened. Cell phones do not belong at the dinner table, unless a guest has been forewarned that there is an emergency or a call that cannot be missed. In that case, the call recipient can get up and leave the table.
Honestly, there are worse. A friend and I once went to a restaurant that did not serve alcohol but allowed patrons to bring their own. She set off in search of a liquor store and returned 45 minutes later. I felt like an idiot, sitting and waiting for her, and i was tempted to leave. But I also figured if she needed a drink that badly, she had more problems than I did.
I'm in the minority here but I think that cellphones have their place in today's society. I agree that the person you are with should take priority, however if there is someone calling that you should talk to, by all means take the call, discretely excuse yourself from the table and get the call over with ASAP. I have had occasions where I was very glad I took the call. (true life/death situations that arose out of the blue).
And as for the friend, boy was she ever rude to confiscate your phone. If someone did that to me it would not be a long dinner.
I once had a guest answer the phone at our dinner table, and then go take his call IN MY BEDROOM. During dinner. In my bedroom. No explanation provided (dying grandma etc...), no permission sought (to enter MY BEDROOM- did I mention that), no apologies. Last dinner with that one.
Am I the only one with a small child at home with the babysitter with instructions to call in an emergency? Yes, I bring the phone and I am thankful to have it. But would I have taken the boyfriend's call? Only when I was 22.
I do believe we all survived and prospered pre-cell phone. It is a great luxury to have- luxury being the key word here. Pay attention to your companion at dinner. Don't waist their time. If your boyfriend is calling you post-fight, a restaurant is not the place to take the call. You know it's going to be a quick "i'm sorry for the fight now go eat dinner with your friend" call. It's just not necessary. I don't think the friend should have confiscated the phone- that's rude too. Maybe those 2 should reconsider dining with eachother in the future as they both have behavior issues to work on.
Re: "am I the only one with a small child at home..."
The mind boggles to think of the thousands upon thousands of years that human beings successfully brought their spawn to fruition without the benefit of cell phones.
By that logic- if the cell phone had never been invented would you have abstained from reproducing?
Before the advent of the cell phone, we all managed to survive. Yet, now, everyone is convinced that they are always on "emergency watch" for something. What if my boyfriend calls? What if Publishers Clearing House calls? What if the President is calling to get my input on the Middle East problem? What if Paris Hilton is calling for bail money?
Everyone person on this planet is unique. However, every person on this planet is not special. Unless you are a heart transplant surgeon or the keeper of the nuclear launch codes, put the phone away and enjoy your dinner with your friend.
Trust me. If grandma dies while you are at dinner, my guess is there is nothing you are going to be able to do to change her condition if you wait to return the call after you eat.
Wow, Seth, I can only hope your last comment was meant to be tonge in cheek. My father fell when I was at dinner...my sister found him 30 minutes later. He was rushed to the hospital. Thank goodness that I had my cell phone on the table, where it always is, so I could run out of the restaurant and be at my father's side. He passed away shortly. I guess many people have never been caretakers who take an occasional "day" off but is always on call, even when not on the premise.
Cell phones are definitely abused and I cringe when I see people yapping into them at restaurants and it doesn't seem urgent, often leaving their companions awkwardly trying to find something to occupy themselves until the person gets off the phone. Or people who feel a compulsion to answer every call. Hello--that's what caller ID is for.
But after my experience, I can only say thank goodness for technology. Yes, someone who is near death will remain that way regardless of whether or not you are by their side. But the thought that I would be cluelessly eating and chatting away with my dining companions while a loved one is dying makes me want to throw up the exact meal I was eating.
Anywhere you eat is not a place for the phone, especially in a restaurant.
I am not sure where everyone's manners have gone or maybe some never had any. We were raised that we did not even take a call during dinner. This was even true of my Dad and he worked in an office, but the rule was for everyone!
I think the saddest thing I have seen, the other night in a Restaurant, a younger gentleman came in with an elderly gentleman, they were obviously Father and Son. The whole time the older Gentleman ate, the Son talked on the phone. When the father was through eating, the young man picked up the check and walked towards the door.....it broke my heart! He took his Dad to dinner and yet, never really spent any time with him...all because of a cell phone.
But gloriousfood....again the point remains... people lived, died, gave birth and took care of others BEFORE cell phones, or any phones for that matter existed.
Somehow... even though they couldn't disrupt a whole dining room full of others... they managed to move on.
Lebelage, I don't dispute your point. We could say the same for lots of things that we take as "necessities" nowadays. That's not what I was replying against. But I do think people should be a little bit more sensitive about what they say and the examples they throw out.
As for me, my cell phone remains on the restaurant table at all times. As I've told my friends, anyone who has a problem with it need not dine out with me. To date, this has not been an issue with anyone because they realize that 1) I don't abuse cell phones and 2) unless it's a call from a family member, in the case of cell phone vs. general consideration for those around you, consideration always wins out.
Agreed with you gloriousfood. People here also seem to be very doctrinaire. If I read the board correctly then if one is having dinner one may not be interrupted for any reason. "Who cares if you have a sick child, a dying parent or your house just burned down? That's too bad, but you're having dinner with me damnit and until this dinner is over how dare you even consider anything else."
People lived without electric lighting or general anaesthesia too - for generations - but life is a bit better with these (and other) innovations.
The point is that there is a time and place for the cellphone and a time/place where things can go to voice mail. We're not slaves to cell technology and just because someone is calling does not necessarily mean that one has to answer. However giving someone a choice is always in good taste.
And again -snatching someone's property to teach them a lesson in manners (unless you are their parent and they are a child) is just plain rude.
I'm with the majority here—except in absolute life-or-death cases, cell phone conversations at the table are inappropriate. And I do share some of your suspicions that some people who ostentatiously yap away on their phones while ignoring their dining companions are trying (unsuccessfully) to show off how important and needed they are.
I remember travelling to Hong Kong about 15 years ago; cellphones were already widely used there then. I noted that some of the more formal restaurants we visited had signs in the entry asking patrons to leave their cellphones up front at the hostess' station. Anyone who was expecting an urgent call could leave their phone on and be notified by the restaurant staff if it rang. It seemed like an eminently civil solution to the problem, but I have a gut feeling it wouldn't go over well here in the US. Thoughts?
I love Beevod's idea, I may have to try that some time.
From a waiter's perspective, please PLEASE take the phone off the tables. Ladies, it goes in your purse; gentlemen, you can put it in your front pocket. I have seen my fair share of toppled drinks, and your phone doesn't enjoy Merlot nearly as much as you.
I agree that it is rude to leave the cell phone on the table or to answer if it rings, but I do both all the time! I appreciate caller I.D. because I can ignore calls that can wait. I also keep necessary calls very short and promise to call back later. I keep the ringer on vibrate or very low. I've been places that say no cell phone use (and some actually mean it), such as Pebble Beach, my opthamologist's office. I think what's rude is hanging on the phone and having a completely unnecessary conversation while your companion sits there left out of your conversation.
The person who confiscates the phone sounds rude and insecure, but that person may also just be at wit's end if the friend who took calls at the table was excluding her, focused more on the calls, received a lot of calls, etc.
Dinner or at Home, I absolutely detest cellphones at the table... Theres no side stepping around it, its just plain rude...
If I have taken the time out of my busy day to prepare and cook a delicious meal for you, I would think it wouldn't too much to ask that you turn your phone off while we eat. Aside from nourishing your body, the whole point of sitting to eat a meal together is for the social aspect. You are sitting bonding over a meal together, you should be focusing on each others company and the food. Basically your saying this meal is not worth my full attention, and can easily be replaced by a minor distraction. By answering your phone at the table you are dis-respecting the person that cooked the food for you, as well as the others enjoying the meal.
What ever happened to common sense? What ever happened to forgiveness? What ever happened to accomodation? ON BOTH SIDES
Yes, life went on without cell phones. And people planned accordingly. If you left your child with a granparent or a sitter, you told them which restaurant or theater or whatever you were going to. And I do remember once being in a theater, where they actually stopped the film to make an announcement that Mr. and Mrs. X should come talk to the theater manager IMMEDIATELY. Talk about inconveniencing people - but I doubt anyone in the theater that evening were that bothered about it... what if it had been their child, parent, sibling....
Rarely do people yell into their phones any more, they don't have to...they are much improved since those huge bricks of 15 or 20 years ago. Put it on silent/vibrate, set it to ring only for your "selected caller list" - there are options. Let your dinner partner enjoy their 3rd cocktail.
And if a guy can't manage to be discrete and keep it in his pants... well then he either needs a smaller one or bigger pants...
I'm not much of a cell phone user, and feel strongly that there are many places their use is inappropriate. There may be circumstances that require you to take a call wherever you are, though. If you tell your dinner partner beforehand "Hey, I'm expecting an important call, it should only take a minute; hope you don't mind" they should cut you a little slack. If not, they are the ones who are power-tripping.
Akitist- Kudos! I think you have got it right here. I think in some circumstances it can be very rude but if at the beginning of dinner you say something like, "I am so sorry, but (enter your choice of emergency phrase here: baby who has been sick, SO or family member not doing well, jury verdict coming in, etc) I will try to be as brief as possible." I also think it is always nice when someone with a call picks up and then leaves the dining area for the lobby, outside or somewhere that it won't interrupt others trying to eat and possibly have an intimate lunch or dinner.
I do agree there are some emergency calls people should probably take and perhaps putting your cell phone in a pocket on your lap on vibrate instead of the table might be an idea?
I am fine when someone tells me ahead of time that they're expecting an important call, but otherwise I hate them. My worst experience was a woman who answered her phone in a tiny Thai restaurant...just a few feet between each table. I was directly next to her. She proceeded to talk so loud and in this horrible Valley Girl voice for a good ten minutes that everyone in the restaurant was glaring at her. I even complained to the waitress who just shrugged. After she finally hung up, I said something to her along the lines of "You were talking so loud everyone could hear every word, couldn't you have stepped outside to take the call? It was difficult to enjoy my meal listening to your conversation." We got many nods of agreement. She bristled and said "It was my mom and she wanted to tell me where she was going out tonight!" And her husband actually threw some four-letter words my way!
this may be making too fine a point but, if one is EXPECTING an important call and explains such to one's dinner companions (an acceptable situation that does NOT include babysitters) that is quite a different matter than just leaving the phone on in anticipation that someone, somewhere may be trying to find you. you then have the choice of offending your tablemate(s) or offending some unknown caller ("how dare they not take my call!!"). putting the phone on the table and leaving it connected is nothing less than an announcement that present company is fine until some unknown person needs my ear - rude, rude, rude
possibly worse than answering one phone call is having the CRACKberry out and checking your email all night! I don't care what you do---if you leave the office for a 9pm dinner, you shouldn't still be checking email!
Call me selfish, but it really disrupts an entire meal if it's on the table. Everyone gets distracted when it beeps, vibrates(!) or flashes.
I once dated a real estate agent, so I well know the pain of dinner companions and cell phones. People in the real estate market apparently want instantaneous answers to all their questions or they may take their business elsewhere (as he learned the hard way several times), and as such, he generally received at least two phone calls during each meal and spent prolonged periods of time (10 minutes was standard) talking to his clients. I realize that it was his job, but it was profoundly irritating to me to have to sit there trying to enjoy my expensive meal out while I waited for my companion to return his attention to me.
I tried to be patient, and that's not what ultimately broke us up, but there were times where it very nearly did. I certainly wouldn't date another real estate agent who engaged in the same behaviour again.
I agree with the columnist's comments--as long as you can determine who's calling. Does the phone have caller ID? If you can identify where the call is coming from, then you can determine if the call is worth answering. Moreover, the phone should be put on buzz so the ring-tone cannot be heard by anyone else.
But the friend's behavior--to yank the phone away--was rude. Sounds as if she's not a friend. Perhaps you should have reported her to management (who could have reported her to police for theft or a related crime).
shouldn't answer during a meal, and in very nice restaurant the phone should be turned off. checking voicemail should be done the same way as a cigarette break-- away from the table, outside, in the lobby or the bar, or while the dining companion is in the restroom.
agree with Jester that phones and all other foreign objects should be kept off the table-- they interfere with service of the main event-- the meal, because they get in the way of dishes and drinks-- it is awkward for a server to have touch a personal object such as a phone or handbag in order to put a plate down or clear a glass, and some customers really like to spread their belongings all over a tabletop-- phones, handbags, sun glasses, reading glasses, reading glass case, compact, car keys, and more, so that there is no place to put a salt shaker down! keep your stuff put away & off the table!
if it is a family emergency, they will call back more than once in less than 5 mins and you will realize something is terribly wrong-- then it's okay to answer your phone or call back. i wouldn't disrespect a dining companion by answering a casual call during a meal.
I cosign everything Seth Chadwick said :) so very true
When I was a kid, we weren't allowed to answer the phone at dinner time. We always told our friends not to call between X hours. I think now a days everyone has a cell and it is so much more accepted to see them everywhere.
I really think it depends on where you are dining at as to how acceptable it is to answer you cell. If I was meeting a friend to catch up, I defiantly would not answer the phone as that would be rude. I mean really how long does dinner take? Most places that aren't high end place shouldn't take more than an hour? I think most people can be without a phone for an hour.
I agree that its rude, but I also disagree that they're simply not acceptable at all. I have a few grandparents in failing health, and if my grandfather has his 3rd heart attack, I would like to know about it *touch wood* in time to see him.
However, my phone is in my pocket, on vibrate. If they don't call twice, its not urgent.
And I have to say, I would be absolutely FUMING if someone, even a friend, took my property and refused to give it back. If she wouldn't hand back what is mine, that would be the end of dinner right there. That's just inexcusable- although it becomes more understandable the closer you are as friends, and the more times that phone has rung during dinner...
I was at a high school graduation party last summer, and I was pushed into the pool while dropping someone in... Needless to say, my brand new nextel phone, which was on at the time, along with my wallet, flash stick, keys and lighter, were completely soaked through. It was a chlorinated pool, so of course, there was a great deal of sediment (as he warns of during the end of the article about shorting out).
I too followed the posters original steps, and took the phone apart piece by piece, but if anyone has ever owned a Nextel, they'd know there are certain circuits and such that cannot be reached without semi-damaging the phone. After I had cleaned it to the best of my ability, I put it back together and turned it on.
Big mistake.
Almost immediately, I felt severe heat emanating from the phone; fearing the worst I shut it down. Now the only thing I can get out of it is the start up screen. I fear I've done the worst to that poor phone.
Fun article, and useful. I'll be sure to pass it on to my friends who have been cursed with the same misfortune.
While snatching away someone's phone is hardly the appropriate response, I sympathize with the snatcher. I *had* a friend who was perpetually glued to her cellphone, at dinner and even texting throughout movies. The last straw for me was when a mutual friend of ours hosted a party in her new home...this phone-addict friend was finally spotted in a corner, making arrangements on her cellphone with a different person, to attend a different party that same night!
If you're expecting an important call, you should inform the company you're with in advance. I also see nothing wrong with discreetly checking your messages on a trip to the bathroom, or waiting until dinner is over.
On the kid issue: Pre-cell phone, you would excuse yourself from the table, say something like "Excuse me, I just want to check in with the babysitter" and go and find a pay phone. There's nothing wrong with excusing yourself in the same way and then going to the bar or outside for a few minutes to check with the sitter, or check your messages.
Pre cell phone the pager went off and your dining companion would head to a pay phone possibly gone for 15 mins. As much as I detest cell phones at dinner, I don't miss the pager.
Given the variety of oinions expressed here, I think that buspirone's opinion is closest to mine.
Vodka_cocktail I totally agree with you, My partner once brought a mate home who could/would not stop drinking & one could see he was BLOTTO (to be polite) Well here am I slaving away in kitchen I knew this guy did not eat good nourishing food( my choice to cook) well I took away his wine cask & told him he could have it back after dinner (what a piss pot!) Well did he SPIT HIS DUMMY,got angry put on his coat with a flourish & stormed out, I closed the door behind him, ignored his pleas of SORRY I'll behave 7 ATE A BEAUTIFUL DINNER I may sound MEAN & NASTY but if I go to a lot of trouble (be it cooking a gourmet meal or) going to a Restaurant I expect your companionship & input. What I am trying to get at, it could have been a phone I expect the person took the phone away because she knew you would answer the phone again. We've become such slaves to technology that unless we answer the phone the sky will fall down
To the person who said that the guest who stepped into a bedroom to talk on their phone without permission... it probably wasn't their first concern. Was the bedroom closest to where you were eating? The first thing I would think if I had to answer a phone during a meal would be to get away from the table and to a private area as quickly as possible as to not interrupt the meal- asking for permission would not be top priority, as that would only serve to interrupt further.
And as to the largest issue, I feel that text messaging may be a huge blessing here if used properly. Put the phone on vibrate, and if a relative or close friend texts "Call me back ASAP it's an emergency" then you can tell your dining guests that you need to make an important call. If it's something meaningless, it only takes a quick glance and then you can ignore it. Either way, you know what's going on without interrupting the meal much, as long as you don't sit there and text something back.
Before cellphones, if you had a sick relative, or some other event you wanted to keep track of, you excused yourself from the restaurant table, and went to the lobby to check in with those of concern. The convenience of the cell has resulted in wonderful freedom, yes, but if you keep it on the table or answer anything that isn't an emergency, I'll be saying "Check, please!" And goodness help you if I catch you texting under the table with a blue glow on your dumb face.
I think the confiscation of the phone demonstrated how close the author and her friend are. Chill.
i dont answer my phone unless im with someone im really close to. if its someone i rarely spend time with, i wont answer it, i just feel its rude, but i could care less if someone does it to me once in a while
I'm puzzled by the egos of the folks who insist that they are more important than whatever else is going on in their friends' lives. If I'm dining with my SO or a friend and they need to take a call, I sit back, sip my wine, and watch the world go by. A few minutes to enjoy my thoughts is always welcome.
Dear elle cee -
It is a rare case that someone *needs* to take a call during dinner. It is not only rude to your companion, but to the other diners who have to hear your conversation...and with the proliferation of speaker phones, often both sides of it.
Yes, some legitimate situations have been outlined here, and I don't think anyone who posted here would have a problem with them, but that's not what we are talking about. The writer took a call from her boyfriend because she "thought he was going to apologize" after a fight. IMO, this was not an emergency.
Having said that...I agree with everyone who said her friend was equally rude. "You're supposed to be focusing on me." Oh, puleeze! And snatching her phone and holding it hostage for the rest of the meal was also over the top.
Anyway, consideration for your companions should be taken into account. Treat others the way you want to be treated.
Dear elle cee -
It is a rare case that someone *needs* to take a call during dinner. It is not only rude to your companion, but to the other diners who have to hear your conversation...and with the proliferation of speaker phones, often both sides of it.
Yes, some legitimate situations have been outlined here, and I don't think anyone who posted here would have a problem with them, but that's not what we are talking about. The writer took a call from her boyfriend because she "thought he was going to apologize" after a fight. IMO, this was not an emergency.
Having said that...I agree with everyone who said her friend was equally rude. "You're supposed to be focusing on me." Oh, puleeze! And snatching her phone and holding it hostage for the rest of the meal was also over the top.
Anyway, consideration for your companions should be taken into account. Treat others the way you want to be treated.
OOPS! Sorry for the double post!