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Table Manners
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When to stop thanking your server
Dear Helena,
When do you say thank you to your server when eating at a restaurant? Do you keep saying thank you every time they bring a dish to the table? It seems really awkward. —Self-Conscious Diner
Dear Self-Conscious Diner,
You can indeed say thank you too many times. Ella Lawrence, who has 10 years of experience as a server in high-end San Francisco restaurants, explains, “It gets repetitive. Plus, I feel like it’s rude not to respond, so I have to keep repeating, ‘You’re welcome.’”
Here’s a cheat sheet to consult next time you’re feeling thankful at a restaurant.
Say thank you when:
- A restaurant staff person does something for you for the first time, such as when the busboy pours your water. That way, you establish that you’re grateful to him or her and can skip a thank you or two thereafter.
- The server does one of her most important tasks—brings your drinks or your food.
- A server brings you something you’ve specifically asked for, whether it’s a wheat- and dairy-free entrée or just the ketchup. Janelle Ziobro, who has worked as a server for a decade in restaurants in Boston and San Francisco, says: “I can’t stand it if I bring them something they’ve asked to have done specially and then they don’t even make eye contact.”
- After the server recites the specials. Otherwise, there might be an uncomfortable pause during which she wonders whether you’ve heard her.
Skip the verbal gratitude when:
- The server refills your wine or water glass.
- The server clears the table.
- The check arrives. After all, as Lawrence points out, “It’s not something you really want or are happy to have.”
Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena. Read more Table Manners.
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Another fine use of the "thank you": the respectful dismissal, as in "Thank you, that will be all."
"That will be all" may be said aloud, or just implied with your tone of voice and body language.
I was raised to say thank you; it's a reflex. I say thank you loud and clear the first time. I then murmur "thanks" every time anyone brings or does something for me and my party. I don't expect a firm "you're welcome" every time. A murmured "mmmhmm" is fine. To me, this is just courteous. Someone is serving me. I would be rude not to acknowledge that. It doesn't cost a thing, ever, to say "thank you," and I can't imagine how it costs anyone else a thing to acknowledge that. Also, for me, saying "thank you" for the check is a way of saying thanks for the service; thanks for the professionalism; thanks for being pleasant. The notion that the check isn't "something we really want or are happy to have" and so doesn't merit courtesy is juvenile.
Thank you (ha!) for saying that - your thanking is more or less what I do. According to this opinion piece, we're inappropriately, obsequiously, over-thanking.
I think the issue here is more like "over-thinking" than "over-thanking."... people DO automatically utter thanks. Over and over and over, in some cases. It's probably one of the nicer poersonal quirks a server is likely to encounter on the job, is it not?
I think a professional server, however they may tee-hee inwardly, is perfectly capable of equally mindlessly you're-welcoming, nodding, or just tuning it the hell out.
I'm with lconnor on that one. Servers probably hate my excessive thank-yous, but I'd rather be thought of as excessively polite than excessively rude. I definitely don't expect a reply.
While I tend to agree with Mawrter on the "over-thinking" issue, I'll throw in my two cents anyway:
Sometimes I think a big, warm smile is almost nicer than a "thank you" because then you're looking the person in the eye and really showing that you notice and appreciate what they're up to. It also doesn't solicit a knee-jerk "you're welcome" and doesn't interrupt to conversation at the table. The trick here is that you've got to mean it, or else it'll show on your face ;)
Any etiquette question can nearly always be answered by saying that the intent is what counts. So, if you are actually grateful, you will make that known. If you are actually an ungrateful person going through the motions, that will also be readily apparent. I think that as jlgarret wrote a pleasant look with eye contact can be quite effective at communicating your gratitude.
The hardest part about serving and being served for me was the dismissive and dehumanizing way some people act. I think that a well mannered person has the ability to reaffirm another's humanity.
I have a lot of recent restaurant experiences when it seemed almost impossible to get the check. You can be sure I'm going to say thank you! Lawrence doesn't consider the fact that the patron may actually want to leave and not receiving the check is basically holding them hostage.
I also employ the slight head nod of gratitude.
I agree with the excessively polite people here. Even when my water glass is refilled, I can't not say "thank you." It might be quiet, it might be a smile of thanks while I continue listen to my dining companion, but I can't just ignore the server.
For me, saying nothing is pretty much like I'm ignoring their efforts and I find it dehumanizing and rude -- as though the server was so far beneath my notice that I couldn't be bothered to say anything. I don't expect a "you're welcome" every time either. But still, they are doing something for me that I can't do myself, so I'm going to acknowledge it.
I never worked in food service for a long time and I'm certainly not trying to invalidate what Bigchow says. If you feel it, it's true, whether for you alone, for 10% of servers, 50%, or 90%.
But I know a fair number of servers and of course I patronize restaurants, and many of the servers I know expect and *prefer* a more impersonal transaction with their customers. They aren't looking for connection; they're looking to do their work... quickly, efficiently, professionally, and yes, fairly impersonally.
Now maybe between servers and regulars in a casual restaurant it gets chatty. But when customers go to a restaurant they generally want to talk to the people they went with, whether it's a business lunch, a date, a family meal, whatever. My impression is that the higher up the food chain you go in restaurants (in price, formality, clientele, etc.), the more distance I would expect between restaurant staff and patrons.
I also want to split hairs about "dismissiveness". A customer may be pointedly dismissive, or simply remote and preoccupied. I think being remote would be downright rude if you were being served in that person's home. But there should be no expectation of customers being warm and friendly in a restaurant. Friendly is nice, it makes the world more pleasant; but polite and perfunctory is really not nasty or a put-down in a commercial establishment.
This very thing happened to me at a dinner my friend to me to for my birthday.
Everytime the server came to the table, she announced herself; thus interrupting our conversations over and over.
We never said a word as to not be rude to the one who's in charge of your food (yes, you've heard what they can do to mean, rude people's food in the kitchen), so we did not say anything.
I will now say "thank you, that will be all for now" from now on.
"thank you, that will be all for now"?! How bad can a quick smile and "thanks" be? There's a reason I've never worked in food service. If somebody ever said "thank you, that will be all for now" to me, that would be the last time they would ever see me. Both the diner, and the server are human beings, worthy of mutual respect.
This reminds me when I was working in a banquet hall. Each server typically was responsible for 24 to 32 people. The same server brought soup, salad, main course, dessert, poured wine, refilled water. That means in a typically night, we heard and responsed to thank-yous about 150 times, not including some thank yous we got after each plates got cleared. It did get VERY excessive at times.
I think this is much ado about nothing.
"Thankers" are trying being pleasant, not trying to be annoying.
I waitressed for many years and I never felt annoyed by somebody being too thankful... And there are many ways to acknowledge good service other than the words "Thank You". You can nod, smile, say "Great!" But I certainly didn't expect to be acknowledged every time I came to the table or did something for the customers...and if you're a good server, you should be there a lot! You want them to be engaged with their company, not me. General kindness and occasional friendliness are enough... preoccupied, reserved and quiet...its all good... the experience is about them, not me, and anything but downright rudeness is acceptable... but too much kindness? Unlikely.
I find myself over-thanking servers depending upon the company I'm in -- if I'm with my mother or my father-in law, who are notoriously rude to servers, I totally overcompensate with the thanking. I think this is because I worked in restaurants for years (as a pastry chef) and I know firsthand about rude, inconsiderate customers. Outside of this, though, I thank restaurant servvers when I order, when the drinks arrive and when I get my entree, which is more than enough.
My level of thank yous depends on my server's level of interruption. Thank you's can be thanks or they can be "that's enough, thank you". If the server requires my interraction, to answer a question, make a choice, etc., then a TY is called for. If they are constantly interrupting conversations needlessly, then the TY is really a "leave us alone, please". Same with water refills, new bread, etc. If they come by and simply refill, then maybe a TY at first, then I just let them do their job. I am sure that responding to someone everytime you drop a few ounces of water into their glass gets pretty old.
Anyone who has ever sat inteminably at a table with an empty water glass probably means it when they express thanks to a server who keeps their water glass full, I know I do.
I've been a professional server for a very long time, and I would much rather deal with someone who can't stop saying thank you than one who has never met the word!
One thing you all could do - which would get a BIG thank you from myself - is never, ever mention the tip!
I've had this happen to me several times, usually in jest, but it's very uncomfortable. Oftentimes, when one mentions the fact that he (it's always a he) is a big tipper, he: a) isn't and, b) keeps reminding you (me) that the "big" tip is out there, as long as the service is mind-blowing. Thank you!
I'm with LConnor ("I was raised to say thank you; it's a reflex. ...Someone is serving me. I would be rude not to acknowledge that.") but would go further. Leaving aside the normative question of whether it is or isn't "rude" to omit thanking someone for each thing they do for you, this is for me a question of psychological comfort; it truly is a "reflex." To follow the limited-thank-you advice above, I'd have to strain to curtail my reflexes. Is this really what a professional server wants--to make the customer do something psychologically uncomfortable, i.e., watch someone do something for him or her and exert the mental energy to stifle the instict to say "thanks," because saying it will burden the server with having to respond? (or not, as several posters have noted is fine with them--though of course, shoe on other foot, the server may be equally psychologically incapable of ignoring a "thank you"--politeness is a widely sown curse--so saying "no acknowledgment necessary" doesn't make the problem go away) If you're engaged in a conversation and don't notice a server do something, and/or can't acknowledge it (even nonverbally) without impeding the conversational moment, that's one thing (and understandable, so long as you observe the minimal TY rules set forth above). But if a server does something for a diner, and it's her instinct to say "thanks," I think it more appropriate for the server to consider it part of his job to bear the burden of acknowledging the thanks, than it is to expect the *diner* to bear the burden in the form of the psychological discomfort that comes from stifling a form of politeness that she has internalized to the point of reflex. For one thing, the diner is, sorry to be crass, the one paying for an enjoyable experience, and for another, I think that stifling a reflex is a much more psychologically stressful/unpleasant *type* of burden than that of repeatedly saying "you're welcome" (or otherwise acknowledging the thanks).
Getting the check? I'll kiss the server's ring if it happens without angst, because that's always the hardest part of the dining experience.
What's the problem? When the server asks (after dessert, coffee, etc.), "May I bring you anything else?"
you should respond, "No. Just the check please."
In finer dining establishments, where I've been trained,
we NEVER bring the bill before it's requested!! If you're talking about Appleby's...they need to train their staff better.
i've worked in bars in restaurants for a decade and i'll tell you this: it doesn't matter when or how often you say thank you, you're server will find something to complain about. bunch of crybaby's.
I say thank you when a server or busser or host does something that I'm thankful for. If I'm thirsty and going through water quickly, I'm sure to make a deal of saying thank you to the busser who refills my water glass, acknowledging that I'm paying attention to what their doing.
The best restaurant waiters are like ghosts who do not interfere with your dinner or conversation. I only thank them when they offer me something that I accept like "More coffee sir?" and I reply "yes, thank you". Special favours require a thank you.
I don't know, when someone says "sorry" and "thank you" over and over and over .. to me, it's a sign of weakness [?]. That's how I was raised. Get your one, the most, two "thank you" 's out of the way and that's that - they've done their job, you've said your thanks, enough, point taken. Anymore seems insincere.
Thank you is a reflex.
I have found in other parts of the country other, less pleasant reflexes. Many associated with driving.