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Table Manners
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Stop, Thief!Is it acceptable to eat off other people’s plates? |
Dear Helena,
Is it acceptable to finish the food left on the plates of your fellow diners? Let’s assume we’re among friends.—Hungryman
Dear Hungryman,
Table scraps are for dogs or for the compost heap. It’s greedy to forage from other people’s plates. It’s unhygienic too. That gnawed pork chop you covet could be contaminated with their germs.
Thrusting your fork too close makes people feel uncomfortable. Their plate is part of their personal space. And when we eat at a table, there’s an unspoken understanding that no one will snatch anyone else’s food, wanted or not. Animals may fight for scraps, but humans don’t.
In any case, how can you be truly sure that leftover food is not going to be eaten? Maybe your companion is a slow eater. Or maybe he’s planning to ask for a doggie bag. If you ask him for his barely touched slice of pie, he might say yes just to be polite, and be forced to watch miserably as you devour it.
There is an exception to the rule against scavenging. It’s OK to pounce on someone’s leftovers if they are your lover or child. You probably have all their germs anyway, so no need to worry about their saliva. And your lover or child knows you love them, so they won’t find it threatening if you stick your fork in their direction.
Be sure to ask your loved one before digging in. And feel free to eat off their plate if you’re at home and it’s just the two of you (or the immediate family). But if other people are present, switch plates or have the other person put their leftovers on a bread plate. Fellow diners don’t want to watch you scarfing the last shrimp from someone else’s plate. It can be messy, and if you’re a couple, it’s disconcertingly intimate. What’s next—licking sauce off each other’s fingers? If you’re really that hungry, get a second helping, or a room.
Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena. Read more Table Manners.
Whoa, apparently you are not familiar with "Chowhound" ettiquette. A real Chowhound always expects his dining companions to nibble off his plate, just as he expects they would extend the same courtesy to him. How elese are you going to be able to experience everything coming out of that kitchen?
Wow. I guess that's good advice if you live in the 50s.
100% agreeance with Chino Wayne and mstinawu. What a waste of bandwidth, and completely inappropriate to this site.
ChinoWayne is dead on the money. I've been to more than a few gatherings where we couldn't each decide what to get, so everyone got something different and then it was bite-bite-pass.
I think I'd like to check out ChinoWayne, JK Grence, mstinawu, or sundevil's advice column.
Oh wait... that's chowhound.com. Oops, I'm in the wrong place!
I guess I'm in the middle here. Yes, it's great and chowie to get a taste of everyone's food. But you don't go stabbing at their plates, you get them to put a bit of their food onto either the edge of your plate, or your bread plate. And ideally before anyone starts eating, so there are no germ issues.
Sorry, unless it's set up front that you'll be tasting off each other's plates, stealing scraps at the end of the meal is just gross. I agree with the column....if you're that desperate for every last morsel of food, maybe order more next time?
i only eat off someones plate when i am invited. do people actually just stab their fork uninvited? i'd stab them back. :)
We frequently share bites of our meals, but we either place a bite on the side of their entree plate or pass around a bread plate. No eating off someone else's plate unless there's some love between you.
However, if someone offered you what's left of their meal, I'd say it's okay to eat from their plate, but it seems kind of icky and who'd want to? Asking for their leftovers or just taking food from the plate at the end of the meal? Not cool.
I'd put myself in the middle too, but in general don't agree with the column. If, as stated in the question, I'm among friends, well, all of us pretty much share - passing plates around, stabbing at things off each other's plates. But, I suppose is someone new was to be hanging out with us, we'd ask them... or at least given them about a five second warning before beginning the pouncing... At a formal event, or a group of people who aren't good friends, I'd probably opt for not eating off other people's plates... depending on how good it looks...
Shouldn't you leave the scraps so the wait staff can eat it in the dish area?
"Shouldn't you leave the scraps so the wait staff can eat it in the dish area? "
Hell no, they may have already gotten more interesting vittles during the "family meal".
I'm permanently scarred eating-wise due to my father spearing food off my plate while I was still eating. (Emotionally scarred, I mean--he had good aim.) He always managed to get that best-of-all bite that I was saving for last. For God's sake, don't eat your children's food unless the kid's left the table.
That said, my friends and I share food on our plates all the time, being foodies, but only by explicit mutual consent.
I will constantly share my wife's meal, delicately placing tastes on my plate, or on my bread plate and vice-versa. When I'm dining with others, I do not do this, and decline most offers to do so. Is it right? I do not know. I only do what I am comfortable with. Now, soup is another story. My protocol coach many years ago said NO, NEVER, however, wife and I will descretely pass the soup bowls to each other. Since I am usually doing an article on the dining experience, and my wife and I usually order different courses, this helps me to taste many more items, than if I stuck solely to my plate. "Spearing" something off of hers? Never. I might grab a fry in a casual restaurant, but that is as close to "spearing" as I can get.
Hunt
If you have to ask, then you shouldn't, probably. But honestly, any foodie who's out to dinner with same already understands the rules! Geesh.
no
Did I miss something in the question posed to Helena?
I don't see anything suggesting the person asking the question meant that they could randomly start stabbing at the food on other's plates, but more of a general question of is it ever okay to finish off the food left on someone else's plate at the same table.
If I have food left over on my plate that is going to end up in the trash, I would rather have a friend or acquaintence finish it off.
Food Socialism for the People!
Can't handle it? - eat alone.
The germ isssue is totally overblown. It's not like your body is not assulted 24 hrs a day by germs. You can handle it. Do you know what's on your hands? a dollar bill? Sushi? Steak tartar? Raw vegtables? Do you shake other's people's hands? Kiss on the cheek? These have got to spread many more germs than your fork sticking food that then goes into *your* mouth.
I went on a first date with a guy who took me to a very nice place for lunch and helped himself to some of the french fries off my plate. I thought, "this is a man after my own heart," and 6 years later, we're still together...and happily sharing off each other's plates.
I agree with ChinoWayne, mstinawu, et al...part of the fun of dining out is trying what someone else has. If you don't like it, you must be pretty uptight.
Every knows I want to try everything and if something is good I want people to see what the chef can do. But this is about manners, so let's break into a couple of sub-plots
1 - Does everyone get to try the good stuff at the table - Absolutely yes. It is very un-CH'ish to conceal great food from others at the table. That's why there are bread plates. It is the responsibility of the lucky party who ordered the "best" to let others try. Rule 1 - Thou must offer great dishes to companions!
2 - Rule 2 - There is only one answer to the question "May I try a little of that? It looks great." The answer is "Yes, of course."
3 - Rule 3 - Spearing Food from other Plates is ill-mannered - Always ask. See Rule 2 above.
Left overs on the way to the disposal at home belong to the person washing the dishes. What other reason is there to volunteer to do this thankless task.
I think we've got too many undefined scenarios whizzing around, and each participant of this discussion is imagining their own standard. What's accepted at a casual buffet for 20 served at home versus a fancy sit-down, candlelit dinner with silver for 6, versus again a neighborhood cafe versus a $20-a-plate place are vastly different, and that's before you begin adding in interpersonal relationships. The truth is, that some people are squirmy about sharing and germs no matter WHO it is, and some people are fine with it and think it's accepted. Sometimes, when your friends are done they switch plates, sometimes they offer you bites, sometimes it's clear they're not taking it home and if you want it, well, you'd better ask. Some people are messy tasters, who WILL stab, slobber, and generally gross out other diners at home AND in restaurants. I had a person actually stick their *fingers* in my ice cream once. Had they asked and approached with a spoon, all would have been gravy. Essentially, I think we should all back off Helena, who is giving sound advice for certain situations where the type of after-dinner exchange she implies would not be appropriate. But we also should nod to the fact that different standards apply in different setting. I, for one, embrace my greed, and any dear friend who knows me well knows I'm a mooch who will dive in to their final scraps (assuming they're not taking them home) as soon as they've laid down the fork. The trick is knowing when and how to approach, and when to back off.
I'm not sure anyone here has actually read the question - "Is it acceptable to FINISH THE FOOD LEFT ON THE PLATES of your fellow diners.
Not "should you share" (absolutely you should) or "should you allow it if someone asks" (absolutely you should) or "should you take without asking" (no - that's a bit rude) etc. etc.
When I am out with foodies, we all share, and if the food is good there isn't anything leftover anyway.
As for the germ issue - if people ever saw what went on in the food preparation areas, they'd never eat in a restaurant again. Get over it.
CK
To gwcafe...
"Shouldn't you leave the scraps so the wait staff can eat it in the dish area?"
that is gross and elitist......
MorganSF, my dad is the same way! I eat in descending order of how much I like something, saving the best for last. I ask him if he wants any beforehand just so I don't get ambushed and get mad about it (I just like to expect it is all!) and he says no, then decides to take some later when all that is left is the best stuff that I was saving and then gets mad at me that he retains the right to eat off my plate.
And on the matter of sharing, it should be established that everyone is sharing beforehand. It's similar to the expectation that when going to a restaurant (and NOT sharing), you're supposed to split the bill evenly. Excuse me, but I got the salad, not the lobster and I don't care how good a friend you are, I'm not paying $25 for a salad. Certainly you should offer your leftover food to your tablemates when you are done and if you do not do this, no one should take it or expect that it is up for grabs. As for the person who said they would rather their friends eat their leftovers, did you ASK them? Being a jerk isn't the new etiquette...
Maybe what's acceptable is what you've agreed on. i.e. talk before you stab.
I'm a waiter, don't get me going on eating off other peoples plates...:p
The people I go out to eat with would never even think of doing
something like that. no matter if it is a buffet or a 100 dollar
a plate dinner. First they know me, because if anybody tried
that they would get slapped away from the table. and besides
they would have enough food anyway that they would`nt be
hungry enough to want more.
I'm a big fan of Table Manners. I love Helena's ability to delve into aspects of eating and socializing that I've never thought about. We need more columns like this! But reading the comments you folks are writing is getting me down. It's not "chowhound ettiquette" we need here, it's a bit of our mothers' good manners in general. Provoking conversation is the mark of a good article. And Table Manners, witty, insightful and daring, seems to provoke a lot of it. All of us at the table can disagree - its the hallmark of a good dinner party to have a lively conversation - but be generous and open minded. Comments like "waste of bandwith"? Please refrain from nastiness. So eat with your mouth closed, say thank you after the peas are passed and be grateful for the nice gathering you've been invited to.
Good manners and the enjoyment of food do not always go hand-in-hand... That being said, I think that sharing food is always a glood thing, and I have no problem sharing a plate or helping myself to someone else's (after being invited to do so, of course). Cheers all.
Here, here..... good food can often be ruined by good manners..... foodies can extend the experience by sampling
the plates of others....
If invited, I don't think it is an issue. However, I have a customer that always eats off other people's plates without being asked everytime we go out to dinner. Any suggestions on how to deal with that? The best part is that he already has the food in his mouth by the time he asks "You don't mind if I grab a little taste of that, do you?"
Hey BiggieD, your customer sounds like a chip off my block:
http://indefatigable-indolence.org/bl...
Part of the dining experience is sharing, or offering to share, and I ordered a veggie pasta once when having dinner out with a (now ex) boyfriend, who would sneak noodles and morsels of veggies from my dish. I thought that was adorable -- but we were sweethearts.
The difference is sharing at the START of the meal. Waiting til the end is no longer "tasting" like a chowhound, but cleaning up like a garbage disposal. It's gross and looks cheap. When I go out with chowhound friends, we serve each other tastes of our entrees on their side plates, and the side plates are cleared before the entrees are touched again.
Sharing is expected with my friends and family. But asking first is a must.
The real question here, to me, is... is this table manners column really necessary? It seems to just annoy most people and really, it isn't saying anything that hasn't already been hashed out on the boards. I find this writer didactic and frankly, quite boring. Roomates? Sharing food? Jeeze, give me a break. I'd rather spend ten hours with Miss Manners.
You try to touch my food you'll pull back a stump. I learned to rap knuckles from my g'ma. I find it rude.
All you have to do is politely ask for a taste...unless it's that, "I'll just have a bite of yours." woman thing then I'll just get you your own.
When I dine with my friends, all food on the table is fair game for everyone. We expect to share, we get to sample more different things this way. In Chinese dining, the food is always served on plates set in the center of the table, each diner helping himself to morsels of what ever he wants, and eating it from his own rice bowl. I consider this civilized. What century is Helena living in?
I prefer restaurants like that mymymichl. My friends and family prefer Chinese, Indian, house-style Italian, etc. for exactly that reason. We can all taste and nibble a little of everything at the table. It enhances the dining conversation and sense of "community" for lack of a better word. After all, no diner is an island...
My partner and I eat halfway through our plates and then switch plates. Unless, like last night, all the sides were the same. We just cut the main course in half and traded -- at the beginning.
I agree that eating off of someone's plate bespeaks intimacy, and should be reserved for those one is intimate with. Asking for or offering a taste is different, and, as you all said, you use the bread plate or put it on the side of the person's plate. Or say, "help yourself" and they take a slice and put it on their plate (that's more intimate than you doing it....)
but scarfing up the leftovers(except frenchfries) can be weird. It seems kindof pitiful.
When dining with my wife, my son, or my siblings, of course, it is expected. You should see the "here taste this, can I taste that" around the table then. Otherwise, only if it is agreed upon beforehand and you are among good friends.
Uninvited "forking" of food on you neighbors plate is bad manners.
But this made me think of a really great dining experience I recently had. In group of four, one other diner and I decided to swap plates every time we were halfway trough a plate. Like this our 4 course meal became an 8 course meal. It was great. The diner I shared with is a not a close friend, but I was not bothered by thoughts of germs.
When dining with family or friends, it is very common for us to sample whats on one anothers plate. The sampling usually begins before we start to throw down on what we ordered. Only if someone has not "touched" a certain food or cannot finish what has not been "touched" do we let the person thats been eyeing it have it .
I think the question has been exhausted, and after reading the comments from Helena, I've decided she belongs in a different time and place than where I am.
When I owned my NYC restaurant, I watched tables of New York Times food critics swapping plates in order to sample all the food. It seemed perfectly all right to me.
I think the question has been exhausted, and after reading the comments from Helena, I've decided she belongs in a different time and place than where I am.
When I owned my NYC restaurant, I watched tables of New York Times food critics swapping plates in order to sample all the food. It seemed perfectly all right to me.
Hi all
I have a question - I would like to know the term someone would use for people who dont eat or drink after someone else?
Is there a word for people who will refuse to use cuttelry from the canteen??
Cheers
Usman
It is a rule when we go out to dinner, Everyone orders something different and everyone gets a bit of everything! No we do not go stabbing around at everyone- like civilized people we use a bread plate! We all like to taste everything and it makes for more fun!!!
Thank you so much for this article! My husband and I had the biggest fight while were on vacation with my mother-in-law regarding this very issue. During the course of ordering lunch, my mother-in-law and my husband decided to split a sandwich. I, being very hungry, ordered a full order of nachos for myself. After my mother-in-law finished her sandwich, she started staring at my nachos (while I was still eating). When I was about halfway through my meal, she asks if she can have the rest and reaches over to take my plate!! I said yes, although I was in a state of shock (and still very hungry). I couldn't believe it! When we got back to our hotel room, I really ripped into my husband. To this day, he doesn't think she did anything wrong from an etiquette standpoint. He accused me not "sharing" and being selfish. UNBELIEVABLE. I recently emailed your article to my husband and made a comment about the importance of "boundaries" regarding my mother-in-law. The "boundaries" issues continues to pop-up in other areas, but it started the day she snatched my nachos . . . Thanks again.
sometimes that can be the risk you take when you order an appetizer for dinner..but also on the appetizer issue...if one or two people at a group table order something large like that (not for the meal), it's never clear as to whether it's a communal dish or not til someone says.
As for the original post, i'll often push leftover fries and such into the middle of the table for my Dad to finish, and friends and I often sneak fries off each other's plates, but we know each other very well and we usually do this at the beginning of the meal. At the end of the meal, i think no one should do it unless asked to do so, if that's your cup of tea. For all you know , the diner may want to take that last ravioli home in a doggie bag, not pass it over to you.
It's only acceptable to eat off of someone's plate if you were raised by a pack of wolves. It's discusting. I wonder if some of you people posting here use each others toothbrushes as well. Since when did good ole personal hygeine become so obsolete.
It's such a general question. Putting a few shrimps on a bread plate and passing it to your right is a bit different than grabbing a big ol beef rib bone right after the person on your left has put it down and started knawing on it. It's also a proximity thing: I can't imagine someone taking food off my plate without asking; however I also can't imagine denying another chowhound I'm dining with from tasting my dish if they've asked nicely and are willing to reciprocate.