stories:
Table Manners
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Advice for HeathensWhat do atheists say when asked to say grace? |
Dear Helena,
My sister married a Mormon, and they always say grace before family dinners. When I visit them, my brother-in-law sometimes asks me if I would like to say grace. In his eyes, this is an honor, so I don’t like to refuse. But I’m an atheist, and saying thank you to God makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Is there something I can say that will satisfy them without invoking God?—Tongue-Tied
Dear Tongue-Tied,
Even if you don’t believe in God, you should be glad of the chance to give thanks. Science has shown that gratitude could be good for you. In one experiment at the University of California at Riverside, psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky asked subjects to keep a gratitude journal, or a weekly record of things they were thankful for. Over a six-week period, her subjects’ overall satisfaction with life improved significantly (whereas the control group felt no better than before).
But how can you craft a secular grace that also pleases Mormons and other believers? Here are some tips.
Let listeners fill in the blank. If you’re an atheist, you can be thankful without directing your thankfulness to anything or anyone in particular. Use the phrase, “Let’s be grateful for.…” Leave it vague whom you’re grateful to. Your religious listeners can quietly imagine it is a higher power.
Include details. Don’t just say, “Let’s be grateful for this dinner.” Your words will be more memorable if you mention the specific meal before you. Here’s your chance to slip in a compliment to the cook. “Let’s be grateful for Mabel’s delicious yams.” Or to a special guest: “Let’s be grateful for the presence of Uncle Bill, who cut short his fly-fishing vacation to be here.”
Don’t let dinner get cold. Keep it short. An example: “Let’s be grateful for the wonderful pork and applesauce Sue has prepared, and that we could all be here tonight.” This is not the time for a paean to Mother Earth, organic produce, or migrant apple pickers.
Keep it upbeat. A Buddhist blessing urges the diner to remember, “This plate of food, so fragrant and appetizing, also contains much suffering.” This is probably true, especially if you’re eating industrially produced meat. You could also mention all the people who are starving. But you’ll put everyone off their dinner.
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Usually, praising Nyrolathotep, Cthulu or Yog-Sottoth, will leave them grasping for their utensils, ready to dig in, before you even finish the invocation.
Keep it short and roll your eyes upward for extra effect.
The biggest problem with this advice is that the kind of people who ask you to say grace are usually the kind of people who believe there is a certain formulation that makes that prayer valid. For example, many Christians don't think prayer is valid unless it is one invokes the name of Jesus--kind of a new testament shibboleth.
So, when my believer grandparents ask me to give the blessing for dinner I always make sure to end with the phrase "In Jesus' name we pray."
Since there is no god it just doesn't matter, it makes them happy and it keeps peace in the family.
What's wrong with this person just saying, "I'm atheist and don't want to say grace"? Obviously they don't feel thankful otherwise they'd be able to give a few short lives of thanks. Let people who want to talk, to give thanks or pray, give their invocation and that's that.
I think we've gotten a little too sensitive in this country about hurting other people's feelings that we'll let ours get trampled. They're your family, talk to them, tell them where you stand and how you feel. If they love and care for you, they'll understand.
I usually say that I'd rather not. Why not let someone who actually considers it an "honor" be the one to say it?
I think the best response would be along the lines of "thank you, but I'd prefer not to" or something to that effect. However, if you care to invoke Cthulu or any other Lovecratft-ian entity that's ok too (did anyone else get munch's joke?)!
Proclaiming your atheism at the table when others are asking you to say grace is clearly offensive. But hey, if that’s what you’re going for...
I would take offense at Helena’s advice if it wasn’t so clear that she spent less than a minute considering what atheism means.
Being the only heathen non-believer in a southern baptist family, I have found a glazed over stare into the distance accompanied with a well timed drool to be very effective.
(Hint: concetrating on "salt" or "mustard" will assist in kick starting that drool machine)
If confrontation is a worry, how about declining by gracefully complimenting someone else's insurpassable and intimidating skill?
I ask the "grace sayer:" to keep it to no more than 10 words.Anything longer,l I start to eat.
This atheist's favorite is the classic "Good food, good meat, good god, let's eat!"
If I'm ever asked, I use a very short and simple acknowledgement: "This meal is the labor of countless beings." I believe this is Buddhist but I don't really remember.
I sometimes add the name of the host: "...labor of countless beings, one of whom was ________."
Being raised LDS (Mormon) it was always considered rude for a Mormon to ask a non-Mormon to say a prayer.
I agree with zeebleoop. An athiest (or anyone for that matter) is perfectly in their place to state that they do not want to. Any good LDS person would respect this response.
I think context is also important. If the brother-in-law is ignorant of the OP's atheism, then the OP should let him know (and avoid future awkward moments).
If the BIL is fully aware of the OP's atheism, and persists in asking, that's another matter and all bets are off. I'd start with a short reading from the book of Dawkins.
Say "I'd rather not." If they insist, say:
Rub a dub dub.
Thanks for the grub.
Yay-yay GOD.
You won't be asked again.
Even better than The God Delusion might be a passage from the bible... oh, onanism, sodom and gomorhea, the head of john the baptist... Make it fun. Pity.
Pithy, I meant.
a kid i knew once taught me the "adams family grace", sung to the tune from the popular TV show. you might find it helpful and funny.
"We thank you Lord for giving
the food we need for living
you're always there when we need you
we love you God, Amen!"
add a few dadadadadum's at the end for good measure.
sure its deistic, but who wouldn't have fun with this one?
I second KRS with the Rub a Dub dub. It is definitely my fathers favorite when asked to say anything before the meal.
The original poster said that they felt uncomfortable saying grace. Whether this is because they are an Atheist, they have a fear of speaking in public or for whatever reason, they feel uncomfortable saying grace. A good host(ess) makes sure that their guests are comfortable.
The host's religious beliefs should be respected, as should the poster's beliefs, but there is no need for either to follow the practices of the other. As long as there is understanding and respectfullness.
Last time they asked me to say grace, I said, "Grace". After a pregnant pause, the hostess thanked me and we ate..Works for me.
My favorite nonsectarian prayer:
Don't let us get sick
Don't let us get tired
Don't let us get stupid, all right?
Just make us be brave
And make us play nice
And let us be together tonight.
It's from a Warren Zevon song. The original lyric was actually "Don't let us get sick, don't let us get old" but then Warren went and died of cancer, far too young--so I feel justified in changing it here. It never specifies who is being addressed, so as an agnostic pagan, I'm perfectly comfortable saying it. I've never had any objections from people of any other faiths.
I'm not an athiest, but I have always found it challenging to say grace. Our family contains members of multiple religions, and I want to speak to everyone's idea of thankfulness. I love Helena's suggestion of saying simply "Let us be grateful..." That is so helpful for me, I'm going to use that from now on!
I recently became a big fan of the TV show "Six Feet Under". In one episode, a character gave one of the loveliest graces I've heard, so I put it to memory. (He started with "Lord" but I think taking it out and adding something like what is in parentheses still gets it across):
(Tonight, we are grateful)
For food, in a world where many walk in hunger
For faith, in a world where many walk in fear
and for friends, in a world where many walk alone
(we give our gratitude and thanks)
I thought Helena's advice was terrific. Even if you don't believe in God and aren't religious, probably you do still feel grateful for something, so why not a heartfelt, "How good it is to be here together! We are thankful for Grandma's hard work in preparing this delicious meal. How wonderful that Grandpa is out of the hospital and here at home with us. Etc" In this way you can be true to your own principles, not say anything offensive (who wouldn't be glad that Grandpa is home?), and at the same time be quietly snotty to whoever asked you to say grace knowing full-well that you are an atheist: was this the family game of Got-you-last?
Being a religious person with non-religious people in her family, this is an issue that I watched people dance around all while I was growing up.
If I am hosting a get-together, we say grace. It's a dinner I put together and I feel perfectly justified in having grace said before any meal that has been prepared in my home.
With that said, I would NEVER ask one of my athiest or even agnostic friends to say grace and when grace is said, it is kept very short. To me, the first rule of being a good host is making my guests as comfortable as possible.
I like eggytoasts benediction, though it makes me a bit teary...
My usual agnostic grace before a meal is:
"Let us take a moment to consider the blessings which have allowed us to be together to enjoy this wonderful meal, and be thankful"
Followed by a moment of silence.
That last one seems best to me. As the host should avoid making their guests uncomfortable, so guests should avoid making their host uncomfortable. The problem with many of the responses here is that they respond to potential (or inadvertent) rudeness with rudeness. That is not conducive to a good dining experience with friends or relatives, which is presumably what everyone is there for.
In the name of the Father,
Skip the Son,
Pass the salt,
Because grace is done.
-evans
I am loving all the "alternative" blessings you are offering here. And I agree, when someone asks you to give the blessing, usually it is a form of flattery. ( Im not surprised to read that Mormons think making this offer to non-Mormons is rude.) I am the only atheist (recovering Catholic) in my family, and there are certain members who find this amusing and seem to enjoy placing this burden on me, knowing I would rather NOT have the honor. Im saving some of the above noted "blessings" for next Thanksgiving! Thanks all!
This sneaky Shaker prayer doesn't mention a deity:
'Tis a gift to be simple,
'Tis a gift to be free,
'Tis a gift to come down where we ought to be.
And when we find ourselves in the place that's right,
We will be in the garden of love and delight.
My in laws, knowing full well I was not a subscriber to their belief system, persisted in asking me if I cared to say grace once in awhile. They had many annoying habits designed to draw attention to themselves.
"Pass."
"Benedictus benedictum."
Grace is not said at our table but I have found when asked to say grace at another home the simple
Thank you for everything good in our lives
Japanese people say "itadakimasu" before eating. It means something along the lines of "I will humbly receive" and "I take your life (meaning the sacrifice of the plants and animals that made the meal possible)".
My parents never asked me to say grace because they always said I had the devil in me. Now that I'm an adult and an atheist, I no longer speak to them.
If you're wanting to be nonconfrontational, you may simply wish to say, "No thanks, I'm not religious." Even in an area like rural Imakeluvtocows, Alabama, it will usually get you safely through the meal and into your house without burning crosses and "baby-eater" or "devil worshipper" signs appearing on your front lawn.
Mldubose, I suffer at your past suffering, having the devil and all in you {I'm laughing and shaking my head because some Christian phoneys have no idea the effects they cause} - but I like what Browniebaker suggests: Benedictus benedictum." say it nice and slow .. Ben-e-diiiii-ctus Ben-e-diii-ctum and totally make them get on their knees - they should be impressed, think you went all monk on them :) but make sure to tell them, afterwards that you don't believe or else they'll keep asking you to lead them to the thrown of our Lord and Saviour everytime you have a simple dinner with them.
Good table manners are not about personal biases. In fact, they are the opposite. Think about the word 'grace'...the definition of the secular word. Good table manners are about 'grace' - as in showing respect for someone who shares their food and home with you, regardless of their own personal feelings, beliefs or schedules. Consider why people originally gave thanks for meals, and how and why people initially came up with traditions for how to act at someone else's feast, home, or in dealings with a stranger. These are traditions people have been crafting since Antiquity -- it's not about you personally. The action of using a moment of openhanded fellowship (no matter who you are or where you're from) to slap people in the face with your ego, as some people do, is in a word, graceless. Sometimes, people asking you to take part in a prayer over food is simply their way of including you in their traditions as trusted friends or relatives. They may not have another way of showing it. It's vary rarely a conspiracy to convert you, and when it is, it's very clear and obvious. With that in mind, unless it's specifically not about the food and fellowship, then it *is* about the food and there's nothing personal about it. Enjoy the food. Enjoy the wine. Enjoy your relatives. If they're strangers, start a good conversation with them. Learn a little bit about them. If your religious or moral beliefs are more important to you than your close relationships, then that's a personal issue which has nothing to do with table manners.
Very well articulated, mirivaj. Thank you.
I personally like this:
This food is the gift of the whole universe - the earth, the sky, and much hard work. May we live in a way that makes us worthy to receive it. May we transform our unskillful states of mind, especially our greed. May we take only foods that nourish us and prevent illness. We accept this food so that we may realise the path of practice.
(of course it can be adjusted to suit!)