stories:
Table Manners
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Not Invited BackAre you obliged to reciprocate dinner party invitations? |
Dear Helena,
I know a couple that loves to host dinner parties. They’ve had me over to eat twice. I’ve started feeling guilty because I don’t reciprocate. The problem is, I can’t cook, and I live in a studio apartment that’s a little cramped for entertaining. Plus, if I invited them over, they’d have to get a sitter for their kids. If someone cooks you dinner, do you owe them a dinner in return?—Worried Bachelor
Dear Worried Bachelor,
How much do you like these people? Your feelings toward them should dictate your course of action. There are three possibilities:
1. Indifference. Maybe this couple entertains, but they’re not that entertaining. If you’ve decided that they don’t inspire you, then you don’t owe them anything but a thank-you email. Don’t send a handwritten note—if you go to that much trouble, they might think you really like them. That may sound harsh, but if you don’t want to develop a friendship, it’s kindest to cut it off sooner rather than later. Save your hospitality for your real friends.
2. Affection. If you want to maintain the friendship, you should give something to your hosts. This is because going to dinner parties is like receiving gifts. You don’t have to reciprocate every one, observing a rigid quid pro quo. But if you never recognize the other person’s generosity with any gesture, eventually the friendship will suffer. You could take them out for Chinese food, or just a couple of beers. I have a friend who often comes to dinner and rarely entertains. But he has a knack for finding cool stuff in secondhand clothing stores, and he often shows up with a great T-shirt for my husband.
3. Enthusiasm. If you really want to cultivate a friendship, you should invite this couple over. An invitation to your home is an invitation to see the real you, from the books on your shelf to the food in your refrigerator to your yoga nook or pet rat.
If your friends are great cooks and you’re not, or they have matching wineglasses while you’re serving wine dripping out of chipped mugs, you may feel intimidated about entertaining them. But if they’re really your friends, you shouldn’t have to pretend to be something you’re not. If you turn the lights down, they probably won’t notice that your bathroom ceiling is moldy. As for food, takeout is fine. As long as there’s plenty to drink, your friends will probably have a great time. And they’ll be sure to invite you back.
Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena. Read more Table Manners.
well said .
Flawless advice...
but what I really logged-in to say was that I LOVE your Table Manners logo/artwork/most excellent illustration. Cool!
I rediscovered a book on Table Manners and Etiquette on my bookshelves and wrote about it yesterday on 'Serge the Concierge'
Here is the link
http://www.sergetheconcierge.com/2006...
Have a good week-end
Serge
This is absolutely horrible advice! "Save your hospitality for your real friends" - what a mercenary attitude. Thanking someone for inviting you into their home has nothing to do with whether or not the company and food were to your liking. It should be about recognizing the effort and time that was put out on your behalf. I'm not saying that you have to invite them back or even accept any future invitations, but a thank-you note seems like the least you could do in return for someone preparing a meal and inviting you into their home.
a) in general, good advice
b) I don't keep tabs on invitations from friends, esp. since at times, invitations and visits are spontaneous and sometimes unplanned.
I have some good friends who I spend a lot of time with. It would be cumbersome to keep tally.
I think 1.) is appallingly rude. You should most certainly thank them, and if you don't want to cultivate a friendship with them, don't accept any further invitations. But don't send a thank you note? Good lord.
I also disagree with 3.) We entertain at home a great deal, and a large number of our friends do not, and that's fine. We don't keep score and we don't particularly care whether we're invited into their homes. There are lots of alternatives to entertaining at home. Invite us to go see a movie, invite us to join you out for dinner, call us when there's something at the art gallery you want to see, hell, offer to pick up takeout and bring it to our house and eat here- all that is fine. It's not about whether someone entertains us in kind - it's about someone exxpressing an interest in spending time with us. That's all that really matters.
I frequently play host to my neighbors who have become close friends. While I love hosting and (dare I say) I'm a far better cook than any of them, I do get kinda frustrated when they invite themselves over, eat my food, and then sit on my couch while I clean up. They rarely bring anything over (sometimes some wine if they already had it in their apartment and I run out) and never offer to host. While I'm not inclined to say anything, it would be greatly appreciated if they contributed something.
My friends who are in that situation take me out to dinner once in a while or bring nice presents when invited to dinner. I never keep score anyway but appreciate the thought.
Well, as someone who often entertains and throws big parties, I must say I don't really care whether people reciprocate or not. Because many of them can't cook, have small places, etc. As far as thank you notes I also don't really need them. It's cool if I receive one but not necessary. And an e-mail is OK if you absolutely want to thank me, no need to get me a card. What's important to me as a host is:
1. guests should have fun and enjoy the party
2. It helps if they bring something to drink to a large party, and I'll usually indicate it on the e-vite
3. But, like one of the persons above, it really irks me when people don't care to help clean up. I'd rather have 3/4 guests help me with this than getting some reciprocal invites. So be a good guest, help clean up after the party!
I have pet allergies, so we usually are the hosts for dinner get togethers in our circle. One way we worked this in the past is that different couples take turns bringing the entree. That way everyone got to taste each others' cooking, (w/o giving me an asthma attack) and we all felt that we had contributed equally. When the guest didn't bring the entree, they would frequently bring the veggies or dessert.