stories:
Table Manners
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Strategic Guest EjectionHow do I let a lingering guest know that it’s time to leave? |
Dear Helena,
My boyfriend and I had a couple of friends over to make pizza and watch a movie. Around 11, the first friend left. Unfortunately, the other one seemed glued to his chair. My boyfriend and I were exhausted. We yawned and exclaimed how late it was. We straightened up the living room. My boyfriend even brushed his teeth. My friend ended up staying two more hours. If this happens again, how should we signal that it’s time for guests to depart —short of changing into our pajamas? -Weary Hostess
Dear Weary Hostess,
Serving coffee is a classic method of getting guests on the road. But, says Susan Gage, who runs a successful Washington catering company, “this can backfire by reenergizing everybody.”
I recommend the Guest Ejection Strategy. It proceeds in escalating stages.
Stage 1: Verbal Hints —Use the phrase “Before you go,” followed by a question. It’s best if your question flatters. “Before you go, what is the name of your blog?”
Stage 2: The Unwelcoming Environment —Snuff out candles. Turn off music. Switch on overhead lights.
Stage 3: Tupperware Distribution —Rise meaningfully from your seat and say, “Let me pack up some of that osso bucco for you to take home.”
Still not leaving?
Stage 4: The Excuse —”I’m sorry, I had a great time, but I need to go to bed because I have an early morning yoga class.”
Stage 5: Jammie time —Only don’t slip on your silk peignoir. Your guest may think that while the dinner is over, the fun is just about to begin.
Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
I had this happen to me not too long ago. Two guests of a *friend* stopped by my party and refused to leave despite our common link having already gone, and despite the verbal and visual hints. When I finally managed to shoo them to the door (with a very blunt "I have to kick you out 'cause it's 1 am and I still need to clean") they continued to linger for another 20 minutes. I was annoyed at their oblivion and livid that my friend invited such unmannered pills.
More than once, my husband has actually laid down on the floor and gone to sleep. (for the record, even this doesn't work- guests think it is 'charming' and 'funny' !)
I think these tips will be more effective!
Serve ice water...it's guaranteed to clear the room...no one knows why, but it works.
Pick up some Music that might annoy these 'guests'.
Not everyone likes Captain Beefheart, Spike Jones, Nick Cave, or long pieces by Can or King Sunny Ade. Diamanda Galas might also be a good choice.
You might have actually given me an idea for a 'musical' post on the topic on 'Serge the Concierge'.
Thank you
Serge
Blog:
http://www.sergetheconcierge.com
Biz:
http://www.njconcierges.com
My friend taught me a great way to get rid of guests. It's all in the delivery, though. He says, "Well, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here" in a very jovial tone, said as he gets up and starts the lights off, picking up routine. You have to be disarmingly charming without being rude, but it works fantastically.
As I mentioned earlier, your post gave me the inspiration for 'Music as a weapon to deal with lingering guests'.
Here is the link http://www.sergetheconcierge.com/2006...
Feel free to share the music you would pick in that case.
Serge
Blog:
http://www.sergetheconcierge.com
Biz:
http://www.njconcierges.com
My Brit grandpa Noel, much as the jovial tone gent mentioned above, used to put on his pajamas, pile the guests coats onto his arm, and open the front door with a congenial, "Thank you so much for coming!" while my Yankee grandma would push away from the table, murmuring, "Oh Noel!" while winking at him.
My girlfriend just Mother Hens everyone, cleaning and fussing and making people either help (something polite guests should offer to do in any case) with clean up) or make a quick exit.
I've been known to announce the end of a party by simply saying, "We're out of beer." or "All right, I'm gonna have my last cigarette." Since we smoke outside everybody has to get up and moving outdoors. Non smokers usually start gathering coats and purses during this time.
Have your husband strip down to his shorts and yell," Who wants to help me give grampa his bath?".
Ask to borrow a large sum of money.
Take a nasty dump with the bathroom door open.
Tell them their car is being towed.
Proceed with the "intervention".
Hope this helps.
If you live in a city it's much easier. I've used the Pied Piper trick.
"Hay lets all go to the Red Bar, it's only three blocks away".
Works like a charm, but like I say easier in a city where no cars are involved.
I suspect I'm fortunate in having (and being) friends that I am comfortable simply telling "Okay, I need to sleep - time for y'all to go home."
I suspect our little group is self sustaining in this quality, since being so straightforward tends to offend the people who would be the linger-longer-Lucys to begin with. (with apologies to DH Lawrence).
My friend would walk through the party offering people bottles of water and people would get the hint and go. She told me this and I wouldn't believe it, but I saw her in action and it totally worked. Nothing says "the booze is gone" like a bottle of water.
I'm with AnnaEA. The direct approach, done in a nonoffensive way, always work. We just say something like "Hey, guys, it's getting late and time to call it a night." Nonverbals are important too--the tone of your voice particularly.
We have family friends who are totally direct. They'll say, "Well, now it's time for everyone to go." The ease with which they are direct means they don't offend anyone. Rather, everyone knows that, because they're so honest, it means they're truly enjoying the company the rest of the lively evening.
This might be my model, but it's not so easy to implement!
Similar to Jackie's husband, my fiance stretches out on the sofa and snoozes, which definitely does the trick. He's done it a couple times now, and the last time he even snored a little, which really drove the message home. The thing is, he's perfectly happy for everyone else to stay if they're enjoying themselves - but when he has to sleep he has to sleep!
In college, I used to start reciting the prologue to the Canterbury Tales in Middle English. Don't think I ever got past the "smalle fowles makken melodye."
Get up, crack your knuckles, then belch, a la "Booger" from Revenge of the Nerds. Clear throat. Next, in your best "Exorcist" voice, say: "Get the F*ck Out of My House!!!" Then go load the guns in the closet, all the while twitching uncontrollably.
I ask how my guests are getting home, ask if they'd like any leftovers and offer to call them a cab.
Our problem was odd: we had a friend that would come over and overstay his welcome-by falling asleep on the floor! I fixed that after two nappie times. I put a few milkbones on his reclined self and let my bulldog loose on him.
Diana, I'll have to try that one. My two Bulldogs, know that cookies mean bed-time, but also love to lick on prone humans. No one can sleep through that! Great idea.
Hunt
Well.......if there are lots of people that don't get the hint...you can always call the police as you slip out the back door.
Like the previous poster said...Captain Beefheart usually does the trick on a smaller party. Unless you have Captain Beefheart lovers....then .....good luck!
lucky dogs, I've had this happen far too many times that I've resorted to not inviting people but merely meeting them somewhere or going to their place! I've tried the yelling, asking politely, yawning, getting them food, turning off everything, nothing happened! One time I offered them a t-shirt to sleep in .. so, it may be me and my sweet voice and smiles that throws them off, whatever it is, I'm done with entertaining until I can find the best suggestion.. but some of these mentioned sound very promising :)
Quest... you need new friends. If they don't respect your request for them to vacate well then *uck 'em.
Honestly, I try to pay attention to cues, but I would be offended at some of these tactics (like someone putting on their pajamas and handing me my coat). I would question whether the person had wanted me there in the first place.
I just stand up and say, "Well, it's time for me to go to bed. Thanks so much for coming!" Everyone always stands up too and heads for the door. I've never had a problem with people ignoring that, but if they did, I'd know not to invite them again.
I've never understood why this is such a problem with some people. I'm pretty good about reading a host(ess) and knowing when it's time to leave. At the same time, I'm usually blunt with "ok, I have to get up early, time for you guys to leave!"...but I also don't mind "offending" the lingerers in this way because I think it's rude on their part to assume I don't mind them staying until 3am when everyone else left hours ago. If I don't feel like being blunt I'll turn on the tv and let conversation dwindle.