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Dear Helena,
Every December, I throw a fabulous holiday party. And I mean fabulous. I have an eight-foot tree. I make three kinds of cheese balls, and I decorate the entire house with yards of red tulle and real pine branches. And every year a few slacker guys show up in jeans, looking as if they are coming over to watch the game. Some of the women are not much better. Am I asking too much if I expect people to dress up? IS it micromanaging to specify a dress code on the invite, and if I do, what is the appropriate terminology?
—Sparkles, Not Sweatpants
Dear Sparkles,
For most people today, dressing down is the default mode, even at a holiday party. Jessica Morgan, cocreator of the blog Go Fug Yourself, suggests that female guests wear "a cute sequined top, nice jeans, and heels"—an outfit that is only a few notches above yoga pants.
Compare this to previous decades. Dr. Patricia Warner, a costume historian, says that up until the early '70s, "most men wore suits or, for a casual party, a tweed jacket and gray flannels, but definitely a tie and shirt." Women were expected to wear a smart dress or skirt. John Tiffany, author of Eleanor Lambert: Still Here and a fashion historian, says it was hippie culture that ushered in the new era of down-dressing. "The casualness of the drug culture [of the '60s and '70s] really changed everything. Jackie Kennedy had bouffant hair ... but people became hippies and never went back to that style of dressing." By the early '70s, pants were generally accepted party attire for women. Before that, says Warner, women in pants were often barred from restaurants. Male party guests began to substitute the turtleneck for a tie and shirt. And nowadays, casualness has gone so far that jeans are worn nearly everywhere.
So do you have the right to expect your guests to depart from their fashion comfort zone just because you spent hours turning your house into a winter wonderland? In a word: yes. Guests should dress up for a fancy party, just as they should dress up for a fancy restaurant. In both cases, it's a mark of respect for the labor that went into creating the occasion. And as at a restaurant, part of the pleasure of a party is the human spectacle. It is more fun to look at a roomful of festive outfits than it is to look at a bunch of people who are dressed for a night in front of the TV. Also, dressing up makes people look sexier, and therefore encourages the innocent flirtation that is the lifeblood of many a good party.
But most people are not going to dress up unless you tell them to, for fear of being overdressed. So specify your dress code on the invitation. Keep your wording simple, as in "Dress: Cocktail Attire," or just "Dress: Up." Don't try to be clever. As Go Fug Yourself's Morgan says, "There's nothing worse than getting an invitation ... and the dress code is something they've just made up like 'casual festive.'" Tiffany dislikes the phrase "creative black tie," but even more opaque is "downtown black tie," which the host requested for an upcoming dinner party Tiffany is attending. His interpretation: "It means the husband wears cowboy boots."
Finally, beware of using the word "festive," because some guests may take you too literally and show up in reindeer antlers or Santa sweaters that play "Jingle Bells." As Morgan says, "[The holiday sweater] is sort of hard to pull off, unless you're eight or eighty."
Say what you want, in terms that the invitees can look up on the net or a Post guide.
I have had upscale parties in a shoe free home...let the bashing begin!
Our annual Thanksgiving bash is a wonder to behold and we bring out every heirloom including the Havilland that an ancestor brought over from France; we are directional and give guests the heads up that this is a formal occasion, ie no tank tops and shorts. Interestingly, we lost a couple of friends because of this. Oh well.
If these ingrates can't be bothered to dress up, I say skip the Chex Mix this year. And cut back to one cheese ball. They'll get the hint.
Oh my! An eight foot tree and three kinds of cheese balls! Better rent a tux!
For those who comnment about women "dressed up" in jeans, let me point out that there is a sort of dressy expectations for jeans these days because they cost so much. I have cute, party-appropriate dresses that cost less than some pairs of jeans. Heck, you could buy two of my dresses for the cost of some jeans. If you think your jeans are so special that you would pay that much money for them,...+READ
For those who comnment about women "dressed up" in jeans, let me point out that there is a sort of dressy expectations for jeans these days because they cost so much. I have cute, party-appropriate dresses that cost less than some pairs of jeans. Heck, you could buy two of my dresses for the cost of some jeans. If you think your jeans are so special that you would pay that much money for them, then I guess you would wear them to dressy parties with a dressy top and heels and consider it a party outfit.-COLLAPSE
Oh Lordy. Presumably these are you friends. If you want a fancy party, just tell them so in the invite.
I honestly would not have anything appropriate to wear. Have been mostly in bed recovering from a stroke, and I would like if ANYBODY invited me anywhere! Even would love to be driven to Peets for a coffee and a goodie. I am not kidding here.
Would going bra-less be considered festively casual?
Forgot to add, I'd probably reevaluate my guest list. Nothing worse (at my parties) than a bunch of slobs in jeans where they aren't appropriate!
For those who would wear to denim to a holiday party, I'd think they simply didn't know any better. These are one of the things most of us are taught by our parents; it doesn't matter how much someone paid for a pair of jeans, jeans have their place. Perhaps that's the best of their wardrobe? To me, that's equivalent to wearing sneakers/athletic shoes. They have no place outside of the gym, zumba...+READ
For those who would wear to denim to a holiday party, I'd think they simply didn't know any better. These are one of the things most of us are taught by our parents; it doesn't matter how much someone paid for a pair of jeans, jeans have their place. Perhaps that's the best of their wardrobe? To me, that's equivalent to wearing sneakers/athletic shoes. They have no place outside of the gym, zumba class, etc. It would NEVER happen in my circle; I'm in Los Angeles.-COLLAPSE
No Levi's huh? Who could'ev thunk it! I do like the cheese ball thing.
You've also got to look at what part of the country you're in. I live in the Southwest, Albuquerque to be exact. Here, denim is perfectly acceptable as formal wear, as long as it's clean and not worn. Dress cowboy boots. Bolo ties. Even for the women. There's even a "Denim & Diamonds" ball every year.
I feel your pain sparkles. I've always thought of myself as a rebel so for the past year or so I've been having fun wearing dresses and skirts on most outings of any sort. I sometimes wonder if the other women think I'm being "uppity" when I look out on a sea of jeans and pants, but many skirts and dresses are so much more comfy, like wearing a robe but feeling pretty. I guess what I am saying is...+READ
I feel your pain sparkles. I've always thought of myself as a rebel so for the past year or so I've been having fun wearing dresses and skirts on most outings of any sort. I sometimes wonder if the other women think I'm being "uppity" when I look out on a sea of jeans and pants, but many skirts and dresses are so much more comfy, like wearing a robe but feeling pretty. I guess what I am saying is that I am quietly starting my own trend. Dressing up a bit just makes me feel good. And oddly subversive. Thanks for trying to raise the bar and happy holidays to all!-COLLAPSE
3 cheeseballs is considered a 'fabulous' party? Interesting...
If this is an annual event, you would think that the way the host dresses would give people a signal of what to wear. I doubt it`s all newcomers each time. I wouldn`t sweat it so much. If you feel it matters that much to the party, then you must specify exactly what you want. And don`t be upset if some people decline because they...+READ
3 cheeseballs is considered a 'fabulous' party? Interesting...
If this is an annual event, you would think that the way the host dresses would give people a signal of what to wear. I doubt it`s all newcomers each time. I wouldn`t sweat it so much. If you feel it matters that much to the party, then you must specify exactly what you want. And don`t be upset if some people decline because they don`t feel like buying something to wear once to a house party. Also accept the fact that some people think polyester dress pants and a t-shirt is dressing up.-COLLAPSE
Easily the best part of dressing up for parties is that you get to throw condescending glances at everyone in a graphical T-Shirt.
no dress code! you can be creative and wearing at the day what you want...I think that it depends how do you feel ;)
tacky xmas sweater parties are fun, but likely of the 90s fun !!! A fun sequined top, with tapered 200dollared jeans, and a leather high boot, is pretty fashionable this yr.
The worst is women who think "jeans and a nice top" is dressed up.
Maybe in this day and age some kind of dress code would be in order for everything. The last flight I took there were 3 "twentysomething" gals wearing flannel PJ's.
Please do all of us a favor and just tell us how you want us to dress.
My best friend just got married and had a cocktail party the night before the wedding. If I had not asked her what the dress code was, I would have shown up in cocktail attire (as many people did). She told me a few days before that the dress was going to be casual. I chose not to say anything to her because the last thing a...+READ
Please do all of us a favor and just tell us how you want us to dress.
My best friend just got married and had a cocktail party the night before the wedding. If I had not asked her what the dress code was, I would have shown up in cocktail attire (as many people did). She told me a few days before that the dress was going to be casual. I chose not to say anything to her because the last thing a bride needs is more stress, but it is something to think about when sending out invitations: people appreciate clarity.-COLLAPSE
and jeans and a sequined top (does that include guys?) isn't festive casual? if you want slacks say so. maybe dressy casual.
I am always getting party invitations demanding I dress "stylishly comfy" or "festively casual." Everyone's gotta be kreative? Just tell me if I need to wear stockings or not!
I have an evite right now that states no dress code, and I can't tell if it's going to be one of those casual holiday parties where there are sequins and jeans or if it's more of a dressy affair. It's a nice thing to tell people the dress code, think of doing them a favor in helping them decide what to wear. :)
Three kinds of cheese balls! No wonder you want people to dress up.
What Rockfish said.
Agreed, it's all about communication. Nothing to it.
If you want a dress code specify one, most women will love it and the guys won't really care one way or another...