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Say I’ve invited you over for Thanksgiving and you’re wondering whether you should bring your semi-famous wilted Brussels sprouts salad with duck prosciutto, or your new favorite pumpkin-ginger soup with chermoula croutons. Let me make it easy for you.
Don’t bother with either.
All across America this week, hosts are Facebook-coordinating who’s bringing the rolls and the Beaujolais, who’s making the pies, and who’s stuffing a tofu loaf with mushrooms and vegan “cheddar.” But take it from me, a man with a certain amount of pride and enough of an account balance to spring for a turkey, half a dozen side dishes, and more than the bare minimum of wine: If I’m inviting you for dinner, then please, trust me to cover the food and drink.
Trouble is, I hate meals that end up as a patchwork of foods—of flavors and inspiration, even of varying technical skill—even though I know that makes me sound like sort of a dick. If I want to invite my friends and relatives to my own imagined re-creation of a Shaker harvest dinner, then damn it, I don’t particularly want to serve your pumpkin-okra couscous, no matter how earnest the intentions behind it.
Don't get me wrong, I get it. Unless you’re going to be the guest of your Sicilian-born mother-in-law, these days Thanksgiving is inevitably a collaborative effort. Blame late-stage Boomers, who learned to cook together in college co-ops, collectively staining the pages of Mollie Katzen’s The Enchanted Broccoli Forest. Blame their kids, who came to understand dinner parties as sharing sessions spent sitting around a thrift-shop coffee table. Why should Thanksgiving be anything other than the nation’s biggest annual collaborative meal, a great migration of Americans bearing foil-covered Pyrex baking dishes?
But because everybody's eager to show off for Thanksgiving, logistics are a nightmare—guests show up with shopping bags packed with dozens of containers. A salad turns out to require not just greens and vinaigrette, but fennel that will have to be shaved, avocados that must be sliced and fanned à la minute, croutons that need to be spread with goat cheese and fines herbes. It makes a wreck of your kitchen and leaves you dancing around your guests, wondering where to set down hot pans, waiting to slice the bird.
Case in point: My friend Chris once lugged over her KitchenAid stand mixer so she could blend the white chocolate and sour cream topping for her famous pumpkin cheesecake, filling up the sink with a dirty whisk and bowl, spatulas, plastic tubs, and torte rings. I chose passive aggression—another famous holiday tradition—scrubbing Chris's dirties as if they were blood-stained, depositing each in the dish drainer with a clatter loud enough to raise Squanto from the dead.
You could argue that Thanksgiving dinner is by its very nature frustrating and disorderly, an exercise in taking deep breaths and learning to accept chaos. Whoever did the illustrations in my fourth-grade social studies book certainly imagined the first Thanksgiving as an implausible mixer that must have taken a certain amount of patience: high-collared Puritans seated stiffly next to gleaming-haired Native Americans, as feathered or bonneted women set down dishes—succotash and johnny cakes courtesy of half-naked Wampanoags, pies and roast turkeys from dour-faced Pilgrims.
History fails to mention if the succotash spoiled the Puritans’ menu concept.
Image source: Flickr member massdistraction under Creative Commons
My family, not friends but solely family (lots of extended) totals 30 people. Unless we wanted to break out the camp stoves and put a third oven on the deck there is no good way to cook for everyone in one kitchen. Instead, everyone brings their favorite sides, we eat buffet style spread between dining room, kitchen, living room, and sometimes stair case. It's full of family, food, fun, and not...+READ
My family, not friends but solely family (lots of extended) totals 30 people. Unless we wanted to break out the camp stoves and put a third oven on the deck there is no good way to cook for everyone in one kitchen. Instead, everyone brings their favorite sides, we eat buffet style spread between dining room, kitchen, living room, and sometimes stair case. It's full of family, food, fun, and not an ounce of pretension.-COLLAPSE
Sorry Mr. Birdsall, this piece doesn't make you sound like "sort of a dick," it make you sound like a full fledged raging douchebag. If you want a fabulous dinner party, then throw one, but don't crap all over others definition of Thanksgiving. Most people have certain dishes that are Thanksgiving dinner to them that they won't go without and far be it from me to take that away from my guests. I...+READ
Sorry Mr. Birdsall, this piece doesn't make you sound like "sort of a dick," it make you sound like a full fledged raging douchebag. If you want a fabulous dinner party, then throw one, but don't crap all over others definition of Thanksgiving. Most people have certain dishes that are Thanksgiving dinner to them that they won't go without and far be it from me to take that away from my guests. I didn't grow up with green bean casserole and, quite frankly, I find it gag inducing. My husband's family all look forward to it so guess what? His family is tasked with bringing it and it doesn't ruin my holiday. Big f-ing deal. Add that horrific sweet potato/marshmallow concoction to my list of things that work out my gag reflex. Again, that is a big deal in my husband's family, so on our table it goes.
Thanksgiving is about spending a day with our families and if that means moving over the brussel sprout hash with caramelized shallots or my amazing butternut squash gratin with fresh rosemary breadcrumbs for some hotdish of processed foods, then so be it.-COLLAPSE
Depends on with or without small children, but Americans have become informal to the point of being impolite slobs. One always should ask about bringing something, but too many hosts treat dinners like dorm parties. You know, the people who wear sweats and tee shirts certainly can't be bothered with china that must be washed by hand.
Too bad, but I wonder how many people continue to take...+READ
Depends on with or without small children, but Americans have become informal to the point of being impolite slobs. One always should ask about bringing something, but too many hosts treat dinners like dorm parties. You know, the people who wear sweats and tee shirts certainly can't be bothered with china that must be washed by hand.
Too bad, but I wonder how many people continue to take cooking and entertaining seriously?
My last Thanksgiving menu cooked by me (different wines per course):
1. Amusee
2. Grapefruit and cherries
3. Salad
4. Sorbet
5. Cream of shallot soup
6. Oysters Rockefeller on artichoke hearts
7. Salmon en croute,asparagus
8. Turkey, stuffing, carrots, kabocha squash, green beans
9. Cheeses
10. Cold dessert
11. Hot dessert
12. Coffee
Took everyone over 8 hours to eat, days to prepare.
Isn't that what a feast supposed to be?-COLLAPSE
This should be removed, as it's sheer crap. Looking forward to my post being removed by a moderator. I absolutely cannot believe this was allowed to be posted "officially" by Chowhound.
Shows what a joke this site has become. Poor friend, Chris. : (
I went to an absolutely fabulous pot luck Thanksgiving dinner..... First let Me say I live on the beach in South Florida lots of transplants without large families here.....My condo has a tiki bar from a failed restaurant.... chairs sand and cabanas ala Nikki Beach. 40 people pot luck 1 coordinator so everyone didn't bring the same thing..... Some of the people at the condo chipped in a while...+READ
I went to an absolutely fabulous pot luck Thanksgiving dinner..... First let Me say I live on the beach in South Florida lots of transplants without large families here.....My condo has a tiki bar from a failed restaurant.... chairs sand and cabanas ala Nikki Beach. 40 people pot luck 1 coordinator so everyone didn't bring the same thing..... Some of the people at the condo chipped in a while back so we even had a flat screen for the football games. Turkey football sun fun friends and even some family what can be better-COLLAPSE
I make it a point to ask before I do anything like cook for someone's dinner party. Most of the time, the host/hostess is happy to accept a bottle of wine to be shared at the dinner.
"if your friends and family are actually showing up and bringing a hundred elements into your home un-prepped and leaving you all the dishes, then your friends and family are serious jerks. I've never once seen someone do that."
-- I don't doubt that part, ca262626! When I offered to host our rotating extended family T-Day this year (my sister's kitchen remodel wasn't done in time), I...+READ
"if your friends and family are actually showing up and bringing a hundred elements into your home un-prepped and leaving you all the dishes, then your friends and family are serious jerks. I've never once seen someone do that."
-- I don't doubt that part, ca262626! When I offered to host our rotating extended family T-Day this year (my sister's kitchen remodel wasn't done in time), I specifically stated I expected help with set-up and clean-up. My sister stepped up, and other people pitched in, and one person demanded that I drop everything to find a nice platter for the pate and cheese she'd brought so she could do some "fancy plating" and then didn't lift a finger to help clean up (as per usual for the dozen or so T-Days we've shared).-COLLAPSE
I cook quite a bit and my friends know it. I went over to their home for Thanksgiving this year. I know they make quite a production out of Thanksgiving and take pride in their efforts. I asked what I should bring and they said "Just bring yourself and let us cook for you." I was happy to oblige and brought a bottle of wine. No one was offended, I was blessed by their hospitality and they were...+READ
I cook quite a bit and my friends know it. I went over to their home for Thanksgiving this year. I know they make quite a production out of Thanksgiving and take pride in their efforts. I asked what I should bring and they said "Just bring yourself and let us cook for you." I was happy to oblige and brought a bottle of wine. No one was offended, I was blessed by their hospitality and they were able to enjoy the blessing of serving.-COLLAPSE
No problem. Just send out written invitations saying: "Please do not bring any food on Thanksgiving because nothing you bring will meet my expectations. This occasion is all about me so I can show off my very superior level of cooking skill and sophistication."
Interesting to read all the comments.
After much thoughtful consideration, I'd conclude:
A petulant dick?
Well, yeah!
Tell you what, don't come to my house and I won't come to yours.
@mhurst86 - you know, whether you like it or not, some people prefer canned cranberry sauce. I'm not one of them myself, but they're out there. If someone brings some, what does it hurt to put it out? In fact, if it's brought by someone who has been to Thanksgiving at your home before, you might take it as a gentle hint that they don't like your version and that for them, their meal will be...+READ
@mhurst86 - you know, whether you like it or not, some people prefer canned cranberry sauce. I'm not one of them myself, but they're out there. If someone brings some, what does it hurt to put it out? In fact, if it's brought by someone who has been to Thanksgiving at your home before, you might take it as a gentle hint that they don't like your version and that for them, their meal will be enhanced by having the thing they like on the table. Most people will still eat and love the homemade option you've prepared. Is it somehow better that everything go exactly according to your plan, but you risk some guests going home still hungry?-COLLAPSE
I can understand wanting to plan and execute a meal yourself, according to your own vision. What I can't understand is the tone of this piece, which basically sounds like you are offended by the idea that other people might like it to be something else.
Also, I'm honestly not sure I believe that all of the examples you're citing are real or at least quite as bad as you've portrayed them, but...+READ
I can understand wanting to plan and execute a meal yourself, according to your own vision. What I can't understand is the tone of this piece, which basically sounds like you are offended by the idea that other people might like it to be something else.
Also, I'm honestly not sure I believe that all of the examples you're citing are real or at least quite as bad as you've portrayed them, but if your friends and family are actually showing up and bringing a hundred elements into your home un-prepped and leaving you all the dishes, then your friends and family are serious jerks. I've never once seen someone do that.
Of course, you also come across as sort of a nightmare friend here. How dare someone want to share something with you that they've made? I don't know many people that would consider that a problem.
You know, if you want to socialize and bring people together, you're going to end up dealing with people with different ideas and different backgrounds and different desires. Especially when you're talking about a day so imbued with such nostalgia and strong feelings and memories! If you really want complete control over every little element, invite people over for a dinner party on a more neutral night, and then you can tell them that all you want from them is their company.-COLLAPSE
The original Thanksgiving was a potluck, right? I'm going to call you a petulant dick, too: Thanksgiving is about sharing. If you want to throw a dinner party then do so: I'll defend to the death your right to throw a dinner party where you are the host and provide all the food (even turkey!) and drink. Just don't call it "Thanksgiving"!
John, I think your a petulant dick too ... but it takes one to know one, so RIGHT ON! It's not that I think it's the only way to go (despite the fact that I am that Sicilian your refer to ... on the male, wannabe Mario Batali variety, not a grandmother). I'm fine with some who wants to do a potluck dinner, Thanksgiving or otherwise ... BUT, not at my house. You come, I cook, you eat. Wine, beer,...+READ
John, I think your a petulant dick too ... but it takes one to know one, so RIGHT ON! It's not that I think it's the only way to go (despite the fact that I am that Sicilian your refer to ... on the male, wannabe Mario Batali variety, not a grandmother). I'm fine with some who wants to do a potluck dinner, Thanksgiving or otherwise ... BUT, not at my house. You come, I cook, you eat. Wine, beer, whatever ... that's okay.
The only exceptions are the ones I might ask to bring something. For example my brother is an excellent cook too and I typically assign him something to do ... usually the antipasto (which he's brilliant at pulling together). Right now I have two turkeys in the over (a regular free-range white bird, and a red-bourbon). Tomorrow I'll lay out a very non-potluck feast for about twenty, so I've got to go ... thanks for a fun posting.-COLLAPSE
I am happy that I am cooking almost all of the dishes for my simple Thanksgiving the only outsourcing are the yeast rolls to my trusted baking partner in crime
Wow, some of the comments here! For me the dinner is a chance to get together with friends and have a good time, not an oppoprtunity to impress with one's party-managing skills. While there's something to be said about a rather formal, highly-planned dinner, in my world some other occasion is a better for that than Thanksgiving.
Birdsall comes off as petulant, precious, and passive-aggressive.
Is there some kind of grant to apply for so I can afford enough food for everyone?
Also, if you are so misanthropic as to slam your friend's dirty dishes around after she had the audacity to make a cheesecake to share, maybe this just isn't your holiday, man.
If we believe the lore of the first Thanksgiving, it was a potluck.
It's always been potluck-style in my family, but now that I live far from home, I am spending the day with a friend who is insisting on making the whole dinner herself, martyr-style. I work 12 hours a day and don't have much time to socialize except for at holidays. I would love a chance to cook some of my favorite dishes and share them with others, but they are not welcome.
The original...+READ
It's always been potluck-style in my family, but now that I live far from home, I am spending the day with a friend who is insisting on making the whole dinner herself, martyr-style. I work 12 hours a day and don't have much time to socialize except for at holidays. I would love a chance to cook some of my favorite dishes and share them with others, but they are not welcome.
The original writer's problem seems to be his own fault, however. The easy way to take care of this problem is to specify "potluck" or "no potluck" at the outset.-COLLAPSE
So funny, and so true!
OMG..Get over it..With friends and family scattered all over its just wonderful that we are able to get together at least one day out of the year and enjoy everyone..When we are done eating the dishes are very little to do because they are paper..The covered bowls are covered and ready to go for the next meal..Don't make a montain out of a mole hill..Sounds like you need to eat alone if you don't...+READ
OMG..Get over it..With friends and family scattered all over its just wonderful that we are able to get together at least one day out of the year and enjoy everyone..When we are done eating the dishes are very little to do because they are paper..The covered bowls are covered and ready to go for the next meal..Don't make a montain out of a mole hill..Sounds like you need to eat alone if you don't like how others do things..Happy Thanksgiving anyway.-COLLAPSE
you lost me at your unnecessary cuss/nasty word
My son and his girlfriend host Thanksgiving for both families and friends who have nowhere to go. We can expect anywhere from 30 to 45 people coming and going throughout the day. The hosts provide the turkey, her dad brings a luscious ham, I do pies and perhaps the dressing, my daughter brings her twice-baked potato casserole and the remaining friends bring a wonderful assortment of dishes~ Some,...+READ
My son and his girlfriend host Thanksgiving for both families and friends who have nowhere to go. We can expect anywhere from 30 to 45 people coming and going throughout the day. The hosts provide the turkey, her dad brings a luscious ham, I do pies and perhaps the dressing, my daughter brings her twice-baked potato casserole and the remaining friends bring a wonderful assortment of dishes~ Some, we have begged to have them bring again and again! Money is tight for everyone, so no one minds chipping in~ so, this way we all get to enjoy a fabulous feast with great friends and family!-COLLAPSE
I agree on the food but as far as the drink? Pfft - please, please, please bring bottles of wine, liquor and beer since I'm already springing for the cost of the food! Plus that way everybody has something they like to drink on hand.
I mostly agree with you, but people WANT to bring something, so give them a recipe you want made or ask for them to bring the sparkling water, soda, or ice.
I'm with you-if I'm hosting a dinner, I'm making the food from apps to dessert. You can bring wine if you feel so inclined, but that's it. Of course, I admit that I am an alpha chef/baker and also don't entertain all that often.
At our potluck Thanksgiving we have vegans, vegetarians, gluten intolerants, meat eater that abhor veggies, people who don't eat red meat, people who are phobic of bird, Atkin-ers, Weight Watchers, food-allergy sufferers, and picky eaters. Combine that with the emotional weight of Thanksgiving -- everyone has their fond-memory dishes -- and the strong opinions -- are marshmallows on sweet...+READ
At our potluck Thanksgiving we have vegans, vegetarians, gluten intolerants, meat eater that abhor veggies, people who don't eat red meat, people who are phobic of bird, Atkin-ers, Weight Watchers, food-allergy sufferers, and picky eaters. Combine that with the emotional weight of Thanksgiving -- everyone has their fond-memory dishes -- and the strong opinions -- are marshmallows on sweet potatoes sacred or profane? -- and potluck is the ONLY way to go!-COLLAPSE
Since the first thanksgiving...
I have the reverse pet peeve: being invited to someone's home and being told I have to bring something. I know two families who never host a party that is not pot luck.
@mpjmph, I had the same thought! For any other dinner, I can understand John Birdsall's point of view- it's tough when someone breaks your theme or shows up with something crappy that you have to serve. But on Thanksgiving, tradition calls for it- it's about sharing different dishes and different traditions. Maybe I, as the host, don't like one dish but one of my guests has eaten it every year at...+READ
@mpjmph, I had the same thought! For any other dinner, I can understand John Birdsall's point of view- it's tough when someone breaks your theme or shows up with something crappy that you have to serve. But on Thanksgiving, tradition calls for it- it's about sharing different dishes and different traditions. Maybe I, as the host, don't like one dish but one of my guests has eaten it every year at Thanksgiving and doesn't feel like the holiday is complete without it. Who am I to reject it out of food-snobbery? Thanksgiving is about sharing and being thankful for what you have and who's around you, not monopolizing the menu to show off your cooking skills.-COLLAPSE
Right there with you, brother. When you're conducting a symphony, you really don't want someone in the audience to chime in with "Stairway To Heaven", no matter how good it is at THEIR house.
I think the only thing that really gums up a host while planning a holiday meal is not telling your guests up front what you want your hosted holiday to be like. Don't resent people for wanting to help, and wanting to have the holiday traditions they are accustomed to, just tell them "no, I am providing it all, just bring yourself." Or suggest that they help with activities or booze instead. This...+READ
I think the only thing that really gums up a host while planning a holiday meal is not telling your guests up front what you want your hosted holiday to be like. Don't resent people for wanting to help, and wanting to have the holiday traditions they are accustomed to, just tell them "no, I am providing it all, just bring yourself." Or suggest that they help with activities or booze instead. This piece kind of misses the point of Thanksgiving, in my opinion, and it sounds like the writer needs a glass of wine. It's not just some dinner party, it's a major holiday. Holidays evoke feelings, memories, connections to other times, people and places. Those far from home, or those who really love the holiday but can't host a gathering for whatever reason needn't be cut out. Being passive aggressive to your guests who just wanted to help make it a wonderful experience is the wrong way to go entirely, and reason enough to not host if it's that big a deal to you to be in total control. So my point is, give everyone the scoop on what's going down at your holiday event, and then you only have to deal with the really pushy people who just have to make their sweet potato mash with pecan-cranberry streusel. There will always be those if you want to have a big gathering, and I get that it can be frustrating, but being rude right back just makes everyone uncomfortable. For those of us who feel it's rude to show up to a party of any kind empty-handed (hello Southern upbringing,) a list of wines or beers guests could bring or a request that they bring the makings for a favorite party game is a great way to avoid being made to feel like your hard work isn't good enough and will make your guests feel useful in non-culinary way. Information for and communication with your guests is the key to a happy holiday. Stow the passive aggression, it's a celebration!-COLLAPSE
THANK YOU! I put great time and energy into planning a thoughtful experince, from decorating the enterance to our home down to the chilled salad plates and parting gifts of leftovers for further enjoyment the next day. Please don't tread on all my hard work with your canned cranberry sauce. Thanks.
I think it's morphed into potluck because most people have jobs that bleed into their downtime (thank you blackberry, iphone, etc.). Also, it's often not a small event. We're stuffing 21 people into our rowhouse this year, gods help us. I totally understand your p.o.v., though, and if we were having less than 21 people, honestly, I'd have done it all myself.
But I can bemoan a mismatched event...+READ
I think it's morphed into potluck because most people have jobs that bleed into their downtime (thank you blackberry, iphone, etc.). Also, it's often not a small event. We're stuffing 21 people into our rowhouse this year, gods help us. I totally understand your p.o.v., though, and if we were having less than 21 people, honestly, I'd have done it all myself.
But I can bemoan a mismatched event or I can take advantage of my knowledge. The thing with family is I know what people cook well, and I assign accordingly. Like my aunt makes the most kickass beet hash with sausage. My partner's sister is a whiz at chocolaty desserts. My dad's carrots? Not the greatest, but his baby bok choy rocks. My grandma makes stuffing so amazing, it'll make you want to slap your... grandma... wait, no. Anyway, point is, with a little thought, we can - to echo the inimitable Tim Gunn - make it work.-COLLAPSE
I tell guests to bring their favorite family dish, if they wish because I know Thanksgiving Dinner evokes Aunty Bea's famous green bean dish or Grammy's jello mold and it wouldn't be the same without that special dish. I may not like their particular dish but it's special to them and that's what this holiday is about.
"Blame late-stage Boomers, who learned to cook together in college co-ops, collectively staining the pages of Mollie Katzen’s The Enchanted Broccoli Forest. Blame their kids, who came to understand dinner parties as sharing sessions spent sitting around a thrift-shop coffee table." Uh, pretty sure that the first Thanksgiving was a Potluck, and in at least my family, it was a potluck at the turn...+READ
"Blame late-stage Boomers, who learned to cook together in college co-ops, collectively staining the pages of Mollie Katzen’s The Enchanted Broccoli Forest. Blame their kids, who came to understand dinner parties as sharing sessions spent sitting around a thrift-shop coffee table." Uh, pretty sure that the first Thanksgiving was a Potluck, and in at least my family, it was a potluck at the turn of the 20th century. If you prefer to be in control of the menu, fine, but don't suggest that it's more traditional or a generational thing.-COLLAPSE
I'm just asking my friends to bring appetizers, bread or dessert. They won't feel like they're completely mooching, and won't clash with my menu.
charlesbois: in a word, no. This is one of those occasions where holiday spirit and good will have to trump food-snobbery.
what if it goes the other way, i.e. you're going to a place where you know you will be served a dried-out butterball, whipped mashed potatoes, gravy from a jar, green bean horror (I mean casserole), sweet potatoes of death and cranberry sauce from a can. Not to mention mass-produced pies. And no wine to speak of. Are you justified in bringing some smoked-paprika spiced pecans, a selection of...+READ
what if it goes the other way, i.e. you're going to a place where you know you will be served a dried-out butterball, whipped mashed potatoes, gravy from a jar, green bean horror (I mean casserole), sweet potatoes of death and cranberry sauce from a can. Not to mention mass-produced pies. And no wine to speak of. Are you justified in bringing some smoked-paprika spiced pecans, a selection of artisanal cheeses, a made-from-scratch pecan pie and a magnum of organic, old-vine beaujolais nouveau?-COLLAPSE
Couldn't agree with you more on the desire for menu autonomy! My brother has a mother in law that I love dearly and who is usually included in our holiday feasts. It drives me crazy when I put so much thought into planning a menu with foods that go well together and she brings over items that are, well.... southern trash classics. Yes, I'm aware of (and mildly ashamed by) how snobby that...+READ
Couldn't agree with you more on the desire for menu autonomy! My brother has a mother in law that I love dearly and who is usually included in our holiday feasts. It drives me crazy when I put so much thought into planning a menu with foods that go well together and she brings over items that are, well.... southern trash classics. Yes, I'm aware of (and mildly ashamed by) how snobby that classification sounds but there's no other way to describe it. Her cooking style is like a hybrid of Sandra Lee and Paula Deen.
I've never said anything (or have resorted to passive aggressive tactics of discouragement) because I feel like such an ass about being annoyed by it. She was raised in the tradition of never going to any dinner party empty handed and can't seem to overcome that social norm even when people tell her that everything's covered and that she shouldn't bring anything. Her heart is in the right place, and I appreciate that, but god do I wish she'd just wish she'd show up bringing nothing more than her otherwise very charming self.-COLLAPSE
I find both models work well, if people understand what's happening and follow it. The shared meal works well when you have a group of people who want to celebrate together, but no one person has the money or desire to do the whole thing. The hosts provide the turkey, gravy and stuffing, and the sides are divided among the rest.
The problem is that for a lot of people, their standard...+READ
I find both models work well, if people understand what's happening and follow it. The shared meal works well when you have a group of people who want to celebrate together, but no one person has the money or desire to do the whole thing. The hosts provide the turkey, gravy and stuffing, and the sides are divided among the rest.
The problem is that for a lot of people, their standard entertaining is of the "I"d like to invite you for dinner. Bring a vegetable dish, a bottle of wine and your own chairs," variety. For others, the idea of a hostess gift has merged with this, so they either simply don't understand that a host is willing and able to provide all the food and drink for their guests, or are under the impression that it's horribly rude to accept an invitation for dinner without bringing part of the meal along, even if the host has directly told you not to bring food.
And yeah, it's frustrating to try and host a dinner party, have the meal totally planned out and prepared, and then have people wanting to root through your kitchen to finish their unsolicited, unwanted contribution while you're in the final getting everything ready phase. Or having something brought that totally clashes with you are serving. Or having to throw away good food because you cooked dinner for ten people, and they brought enough food to feed at least twenty.
So for guests - ask before bringing a dish to contribute, and if your host says no, listen to them. If you don't want to show up empty handed, bring flowers, or a bottle of wine, or chocolates - something that doesn't need to be served as part of the meal.-COLLAPSE
"I'm pretty sure the first Thanksgiving was a potluck..."
I agree, mpjmph. I sure am going to give thanks I won't be having Thanksgiving dinner at John B.'s prissy stuffy table.
Part of it is cultural. In Hawaii one Chowhound poster said it is can often be a pot luck.
http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/817125#6947708
As someone said, it can be for economic reasons, though that is not the experience you are writing about.
The only person being annoyed is you, so take the wise suggestion of viperlush ... just say no.
If you don't have the rum balls to say that,...+READ
Part of it is cultural. In Hawaii one Chowhound poster said it is can often be a pot luck.
http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/817125#6947708
As someone said, it can be for economic reasons, though that is not the experience you are writing about.
The only person being annoyed is you, so take the wise suggestion of viperlush ... just say no.
If you don't have the rum balls to say that, then mentally adjust. It is not called Foodsgiving, but Thanksgiving. Be thankful to have a nice house and friends to invite to your table. Only you will remember their gaffs. They will probably just remember getting together and having a fabulous meal that they were able to contribute something they considered delicious.
Happy holidays ... seriously ... focus on happy.-COLLAPSE
I'm pretty sure the first Thanksgiving was a potluck...
John, I can't believe any of your friends would DARE to bring anything over if you are the type who passive-aggressively does dishes at them. What fun. Remember, its not Thanksgiving until somebody cries. And, wine is a gift, not a challenge. Good lord. Well, thanks for the eye-opening article. I hope your Thanksgiving this year is perfectly controlled and everyone behaves themselves.
Speaker 1: "Would you like to join us for Thanksgiving?"
Speaker 2: "We will be happy to. Is there anything that we can bring?"
Speaker 1 option 1: "Sure . Thank you
Speaker 1 option 2: "Thank you for asking we have got it all covered. Just bring an appetite"
See how easy that is?
When I invite friends/and/or family, I don't expect food donations!! I have the menu planned, thanks, bring a bottle of wine, super! My daughter (29 year old) was invited to a wine & cheese at a friend's place and she was asked to bring, wine/and/or both, preferably both! What!! How nice for the host & hostess. A wine & cheese for "free."
Hooray! I am not the only jerk in town! One year I assigned some very simple things like rolls and drinks - I ended up with one dozen rolls and a 2 liter of Pepsi - for 25 people! (and they knew how many people were coming) I take a lot of pride in the meals that I host - flavor, presentation, quantity. I feel like it's a reflection on me when there is all of this beautiful food, and a 1970's...+READ
Hooray! I am not the only jerk in town! One year I assigned some very simple things like rolls and drinks - I ended up with one dozen rolls and a 2 liter of Pepsi - for 25 people! (and they knew how many people were coming) I take a lot of pride in the meals that I host - flavor, presentation, quantity. I feel like it's a reflection on me when there is all of this beautiful food, and a 1970's pyrex container with some unidentifiable food product in it. I have a few friends and family members that understand cooking - but if I let them bring something, then the rest of the guests feel shunned. Sigh....it's a no-win situation!
To Dinermite - please don't bring a dessert unless asked. THe hosts will feel obligated to serve it at Thanksgiving and may prove to be an uncomfortable situation. I like the idea of a coffee cake or something that you can hand them as a host gift and tell them it's for a leisurly breakfast the next morning! No strings attached!-COLLAPSE
With the economy the way it is, many people can't afford to spring for dinner and drinks for 20. I think it is up to the host to ask or not ask and the guests to comply with the host's wishes: to bring or not to bring.
Let me tell you, I feel the same way as you. I didn't plan this rustic Italian dinner for three weeks to have you bring a Norwegian salmon appetizer.
That said... because I my mother *beat* into me that you *never* show up empty handed, I will bring a bottle of wine and a loaf of banana bread (or coffee cake) for the cook for the next morning. Already baked, no dishes are dirtied, I'm not...+READ
Let me tell you, I feel the same way as you. I didn't plan this rustic Italian dinner for three weeks to have you bring a Norwegian salmon appetizer.
That said... because I my mother *beat* into me that you *never* show up empty handed, I will bring a bottle of wine and a loaf of banana bread (or coffee cake) for the cook for the next morning. Already baked, no dishes are dirtied, I'm not spoiling a theme and the cook doesn't have to make their breakfast (or breakfast for anyone else that might have stayed over). DONE.-COLLAPSE
I don't think it's a matter of showing off, as much as it is to avoid a social faux pas of being the guest who shows up empty handed, and to show a sign of appreciation for being invited.
My girlfriend's parents are hosting thansgiving (for about 8 adults and 8 kids), and they have everyuthing covered, but I am at least going to take the inititiove to bring a dessert. Even if they don't eat it...+READ
I don't think it's a matter of showing off, as much as it is to avoid a social faux pas of being the guest who shows up empty handed, and to show a sign of appreciation for being invited.
My girlfriend's parents are hosting thansgiving (for about 8 adults and 8 kids), and they have everyuthing covered, but I am at least going to take the inititiove to bring a dessert. Even if they don't eat it for thanksgiving, they would have it to enjoy when a welcomed calm returns to the house.-COLLAPSE