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Dear Helena,
My brother has accused me of always being "glued to my phone." He claims that I had the phone on the table at Thanksgiving dinner last year, which I do not remember. I do admit that when we've been at a restaurant, I may have glanced at my email while he was reading the menu, and I do prefer to Google stuff rather than waste time debating whether so-and-so was or was not in a movie. Am I being rude or is he just a Luddite?
—Invite Me, Invite My Phone
Dear Invite Me, Invite My Phone,
Four years ago, I said you shouldn't have your phone out at the table except for emergencies. Things have changed. Nowadays there are endless ways you might use your phone to enhance your dining experience. It is socially acceptable to Google vadouvan or look at photos of the restaurant's banh mi on Foodspotting prior to ordering. Furthermore, you might want to consult a wine-pairing or sustainable-seafood app. In some restaurants, you can even use your phone to pay for your meal (as at branches of The Melt). And of course, you can photograph your dinner, which has become less of a faux pas and more of a fact of many people's lives.
But even in today's tech-friendly climate, you should try to be as quick about it as possible. Foodspotting cofounder and CEO Alexa Andrzejewski says you might consider snapping your photo at dinner but posting it later.
I also think it's more OK to use your phone at the table these days if it's directly related to the conversation. It's fine to pull up a picture or video of something you're talking about, whether it's your dog in his Halloween costume or your yard's "before" and "after" shots. Within limitations explained in this column, you can also use your phone to clear up a point of contention or identify a song that is playing.
Whatever you are doing, the important thing is to explain it to your companion: "I'm going to Google the etymology of the word martini" or "You have to see so-and-so's latest Facebook update—she's clearly lost it." If you don't explain yourself, the other person has to sit there for a few minutes wondering if you just felt bored. When I was growing up, if a member of the family was less than entertaining at dinner, my brother or sister would say, "Bing! Bing! The 'Boring Bell' just went off." Turning to your phone is the grown-up equivalent.
Yes, you are being rude!
I wonder if the age of the responder affects how he/she feels about cell phones in restaurants. For instance, does the majority of anti-cell users skew older than those who shrug at cell use in restaurants?
In the mid-90s, when cellphone use was much less prevalent, my husband and I hosted an out-of-town family member who just happens to be local celebrity in his home-town. In the middle of...+READ
I wonder if the age of the responder affects how he/she feels about cell phones in restaurants. For instance, does the majority of anti-cell users skew older than those who shrug at cell use in restaurants?
In the mid-90s, when cellphone use was much less prevalent, my husband and I hosted an out-of-town family member who just happens to be local celebrity in his home-town. In the middle of dinner at an elegant white-tablecloth restaurant in San Francisco, our guest pulled out his phone so we could all say hi to Mother. It never occurred to me that anybody would interrupt dinner to make a phone call -- let alone at a public dinner table! Talk about appalling manners; I was speechless!! (Don't forget: this occurred nearly 20 years ago.) This family member was not accustomed to anybody telling him what to do but fortunately, my husband, thinking quickly, told the loud-mouth visitor that our town has a local ordinance forbidding cell phone use in public. Not being local, he seemed surprised at hearing this bit of "public policy" but put his phone away nevertheless. Whew! We saved our nearby diners from having to endure hearing us holler our hellos to our hard-of-hearing mother. I'm afraid, tho, that times have changed - and we could never convince anybody of an ordinance forbidding public cell phone use.-COLLAPSE
I don't think it's rude to have your phone out while at a restaurant, per se. It's rude to have it out while you're with other people (and generally when you're eating out, it's with other people).
But this rudeness is basically when you're using the phone to communicate with someone else or do something not related to the person you're with.
So basically, if you're texting with someone...+READ
I don't think it's rude to have your phone out while at a restaurant, per se. It's rude to have it out while you're with other people (and generally when you're eating out, it's with other people).
But this rudeness is basically when you're using the phone to communicate with someone else or do something not related to the person you're with.
So basically, if you're texting with someone else, that's rude. If you're checking your email, rude. But right - if you're looking up the wine you had here last month and can't remember the name of - go right ahead - as long as you tell the people you're with what you're doing.
It's also fine if you are expecting an important call, and tell your companion(s) about it ahead of time. There are definitely times when I know there's a chance someone from work will call, and as long as I say this in advance, nobody ever has a problem with me taking the call, or texting them back.
But if you've got the phone out, and a text comes in, and you just go and check it - no way. This has happened to me on a date, and it was the only date ever where I took her up on her (faux) offer to split the bill.-COLLAPSE
Using your phone while in the company of others is still absolutely annoying and rude.
Actually, it is worse now than it was four years ago since, as you mentionned, it seems to be more accepted. The fact that a social/cultural norm is "socially accepted" doesn't make it good.
Ha! KaimukiMan, that's hilarious and true. Times HAVE changed and things that were once rude are not so much anymore. The human mind often struggles with change, especially on topics we feel passionately righteous about. If and when i use my phone depends on who I'm with, where we are eating, what we are talking about, if I'm alone because they got up to go to the bathroom, and so on. I was once...+READ
Ha! KaimukiMan, that's hilarious and true. Times HAVE changed and things that were once rude are not so much anymore. The human mind often struggles with change, especially on topics we feel passionately righteous about. If and when i use my phone depends on who I'm with, where we are eating, what we are talking about, if I'm alone because they got up to go to the bathroom, and so on. I was once in the "never use your phone during dinner" category, but I've come to realize in life you have to be able to be flexible and let things go that don't matter.-COLLAPSE
Um HELLO! While everything Helena said was valid, I can't believe she failed to mention, that using the phone for a completely private purpose at a table is completely rude.
Email, texting, or phone calls are huge NONO's.
You might as well say, I am way to busy/bored to JUST be here with you.
Turning to your phone is NOT the grown-up equivalent...it's a copout! And especially if it's a family occasion such as Thanksgiving, phones should not be at the table. While there may be a few situations when it's acceptable to check your phone, using it as a crutch to aid conversation is not one of them.
Wrong, boorish, dumb, clueless. Eat alone Bozo. No wonder you have dorks for friends.
If you're out eating with your significant other at a fast food joint, busting out your phones isn't really rude--but if at dinner with friends or if dinner is an occasion rather than quick fuel, is it really necessary to use your phone for three minutes while your companion selects his or her meal? Learning to unplug is certainly a struggle in this culture.
In terms of texting or looking up stuff on the internet,it's not the technology per se. People who read books or write in their journals while in restaurants are doing something similar. If the rest of their party doesn't mind (or is doing the same) it seems a little odd to me but I don't think it's rude.
Now TALKING on the phone at the table or taking pictures (especially those fabulous...+READ
In terms of texting or looking up stuff on the internet,it's not the technology per se. People who read books or write in their journals while in restaurants are doing something similar. If the rest of their party doesn't mind (or is doing the same) it seems a little odd to me but I don't think it's rude.
Now TALKING on the phone at the table or taking pictures (especially those fabulous bloggers who want the people at the next table to move over while they get a particular shot) - that is barging right into rude territory.-COLLAPSE
Turn it off and concentrate on your meal. If you can't get through a meal without technological help (assuming you don't have a physical disability) you need therapy.
And restaurants should not have music, certainly not live music, it detracts from the dining experience. Imagine, having to pay attention to a musician, figuring out if you should clap now and then. It's untenable. I think it is unfortunate that restaurants have windows. You are there for the food, not for the view. If you want to sit and stare at the view, then go someplace more appropriate like...+READ
And restaurants should not have music, certainly not live music, it detracts from the dining experience. Imagine, having to pay attention to a musician, figuring out if you should clap now and then. It's untenable. I think it is unfortunate that restaurants have windows. You are there for the food, not for the view. If you want to sit and stare at the view, then go someplace more appropriate like the park. As for restaurants, even casual restaurants, that have televisions . . . let's not even go there, it's barbaric. And can you believe I have been to karaoke bars that serve food. It's an affront to the senses. We are humans, we can only focus on one thing at a time.
I guess none of these people have never been at the dinner party where Uncle Henry and Grandma Bertha are having an endless discussion about whether tomatoes were introduced to Europe in the 14th or 15th century. Or if retrograde motions of the stars were explained by the acceptance of a heliocentric solar system. No one else can get a word in edgewise. Maybe all your families and friends are more accommodating than mine. But the ability to pull out a smart phone and google that information can work wonders for the rest of the evening, even if Uncle Henry sulks for the next 20 minutes. And the fact that Great Grand Aunt Erma can call from half way around the world standing on the edge of Victoria Falls to wish me a happy birthday in the middle of dinner is a very special thing.
We live in 2011, not 1911. And yes things have changed. The light fixtures are not putting out dangerous electric vapors, the restaurant kitchen probably does have a microwave, the candle on the table is battery operated, and cell phones are not likely to stay in pockets.-COLLAPSE
Helena-sorry but I disagree. The only time it would be acceptable would be if a person is dining by themselves in cafe-casual type of restaurant/food service court/coffee shop (with all sounds turned off). That would be the same to me as the person that reads the paper or reads a book-but again, only at a very casual cafe. To all the other people that feel they're so important they have to...+READ
Helena-sorry but I disagree. The only time it would be acceptable would be if a person is dining by themselves in cafe-casual type of restaurant/food service court/coffee shop (with all sounds turned off). That would be the same to me as the person that reads the paper or reads a book-but again, only at a very casual cafe. To all the other people that feel they're so important they have to use/monitor their phones at the table with other people present: it's too bad birth control isn't retroactive!
Anything in question about a restaurant (how fresh is their food, where do they get it, how they treat their employees, etc) should be done before you arrive and sit down. As far as taking pictures of your food-hell no. What you pay for a meal, whether its at Crapplebee's or the French Laundry, allows you to eat the food. It doesn't mean you can take pictures of it and disturb/distract other diners nor does it mean you get to steal the flatware, glassware, etc. If you are a doctor or are expecting a life or death notification, you make sure the phone is on vibrate, out of sight and if the phone call comes, you excuse yourself and take the call in the lobby or outside.-COLLAPSE
NO! NO! NO! Phones should be off the table and turned off at a restaurant -- even a fast food place. It's rude to draw attention away from the dining and diners, unless it's an emergency. If you don't want to turn it off, then switch it onto 'vibrate' and put it in a purse or pocket so it won't interrupt. Otherwise, you aren't dining, you're 'grabbing a bite'. Get your food to go and take the...+READ
NO! NO! NO! Phones should be off the table and turned off at a restaurant -- even a fast food place. It's rude to draw attention away from the dining and diners, unless it's an emergency. If you don't want to turn it off, then switch it onto 'vibrate' and put it in a purse or pocket so it won't interrupt. Otherwise, you aren't dining, you're 'grabbing a bite'. Get your food to go and take the damn phone somewhere it won't bother other people.-COLLAPSE
I think the phone should be treated like any other distraction. If you see a friend walking past the restaurant and leave your dinner companion all alone to go out to talk to them, that's rude. Same rule applies to the phone: if it's not a shared use, put away the phone.
You should not use your phone to personaly withdraw from IRL into the cloud; however you SHOULD use ur phone to to access google. wolfram|alpha etc about the restaurant's business practices, how they treat their employees, how good and how fresh is their food, how sustainable they make their environmental impact, etc etc.
Use your phonhe, but don't withdraw.... use your phone to grow and...+READ
You should not use your phone to personaly withdraw from IRL into the cloud; however you SHOULD use ur phone to to access google. wolfram|alpha etc about the restaurant's business practices, how they treat their employees, how good and how fresh is their food, how sustainable they make their environmental impact, etc etc.
Use your phonhe, but don't withdraw.... use your phone to grow and connect the folks your meshing with!! peace love and serenity!-COLLAPSE
Checking email while dining with friends? Gently depositing the offender's phone in their bowl of soup seems appropriate.
How does the phone taste at dinner table mostly sour unless you are sweetening it up with family photos! creaming it with google searches, peppering it with you tube!!, buttering it up with facebook!! Just kidding!! Give it to the kids to go in the next room to play games - the adults can eat with peace and quiet!!!
Perhaps, if you don't actually enjoy the company of the people you are forced to have dinner with, and, if last Thanksgiving is any indication, forcing one another to have conversation will result in yet another gun shot wound, maybe letting a person fiddle with their phone isn't such a bad idea.
Course, this could be fixed by only dining with those we enjoy, but, Holidays and all that.
Give people an inch with their phones, they'll take a mile. They'll start by looking up vadouvan but then they'll "quickly" check one of 10 other things, and then you're looking down at the part in your dinner date's head. No thank you! Leave that thing off, speculate on what vadouvan might be, resolve to look AFTER dinner!
I TOTALLY disagree with you! The rules have NOT changed - You are in a restaurant to pay attention to your companions - pulling your phone out is the equivalent of pulling a book out, putting it in front of your face, and reading! It SO pissed me off when people use their phone in a restaurant unless they are ALONE - and then they have to keep their voice down to a good level!
KaimukiMan nailed it: "if the phone is enhancing everyone's dining experience, its cool. if it is one person's way of avoiding interacting with others, it's not." That applies to phone use in all social situations!
The rules have not changed. Using your phone while out at dinner is tacky. Just checking your email - tacky. Taking pictures of your food - tacky tacky tacky. If you must look at your messages do it on your way to the bathroom or when your companion is gone. It's just that tacky is so de rigeur these days that even CH's ms. manners is making exceptions. A pox on you Helena for hastening the...+READ
The rules have not changed. Using your phone while out at dinner is tacky. Just checking your email - tacky. Taking pictures of your food - tacky tacky tacky. If you must look at your messages do it on your way to the bathroom or when your companion is gone. It's just that tacky is so de rigeur these days that even CH's ms. manners is making exceptions. A pox on you Helena for hastening the inevitable cultural decline.-COLLAPSE
Oh no! If I can't find out the etymology of the word 'martini' RIGHT THIS SECOND I'm going to DIE!!!!!
And I get panic attacks whenever I have nothing to do, so THANK GOD for creating a constant source of distraction in the world.
Depends on the restaurant, your dining companions, and the crowd in general. Old school formal restaurant with an older crowd - leave the phone in your pocket. Informal dining (even if the food itself is high quality), young crowd, companions don't mind you looking something up - go at it.
When in Rome, people...
if the phone is enhancing everyone's dining experience, its cool. if it is one person's way of avoiding interacting with others, it's not. for those of us raised in a pre-cell phone world, it is hard to understand that the phone is not an instrument, but an extension of the person holding it. and just like the person, the phone can be part of rude behavior - or may be contributing to the meal. i...+READ
if the phone is enhancing everyone's dining experience, its cool. if it is one person's way of avoiding interacting with others, it's not. for those of us raised in a pre-cell phone world, it is hard to understand that the phone is not an instrument, but an extension of the person holding it. and just like the person, the phone can be part of rude behavior - or may be contributing to the meal. i don't like it, i want to rail against it, make people check their phones at the door (except for mine, i need mine), but that is not the world we are living in today. Helena did a good job on this one.-COLLAPSE
Nope, the rules have NOT changed. Rude is still rude. I believe that there are polite times and places where phone use is appropriate -- including at the dinner table -- but they are few and far between. If you're interacting more with your phone than your fellow diners you've crossed way, way, way, over the line.
God forbid that you should have ONE second of downtime in your life. We've all pulled out the phone to check e-mail or play Angry Birds when we're waiting at a doctor's office or someplace like that, but to do it because someone is reading a menu too slowly for your taste? That is amazingly rude. Self-absorption has just gone too far.
You are being insanely rude. You would rather play on the internet than interact with another human being? Really?
Great column. Thanks! To me, this backlash against phones / devices is really about people being inconsiderate or rude at the table in a way that could happen without any electronic device. I keep hearing people talk about this in terms of being rude to your dining companion(s). What about someone who is dining alone? If they aren't in a restaurant situation where they should be more engaged...+READ
Great column. Thanks! To me, this backlash against phones / devices is really about people being inconsiderate or rude at the table in a way that could happen without any electronic device. I keep hearing people talk about this in terms of being rude to your dining companion(s). What about someone who is dining alone? If they aren't in a restaurant situation where they should be more engaged (i.e., chef's counter,) then as long as they stay alert otherwise, why do people care so much about what other people in the restaurant are doing, especially if there is no noise involved as there is with people actually talking on the phone? I sometimes have to photograph my food for work. However, I remain hyper-alert so that I can quickly pull my camera way outta the way when I spot the server even start to enter into my peripheral vision. But if it's a question of texting while dining with others...In my many years of waiting tables and dining out, I've seen plenty of servers wait (repeatedly and patiently) for someone to shut up — and the diner wasn't using a phone. To me, it's just as rude to make the server wait (or to make your companions wait for their plates to be set down) while someone gabs and gabs while the server shifts their half dozen monkey dishes to the side. And don't lecture me about clearing the table properly, because these same people need EVERYTHING on the side and they're ALWAYS "still workin' on it" because they arrived 45 minutes after their friends, and then they squeezed their flaky third self into the 2-top that was, of course, in the tightest corner of the dining room. But I digress. If it's a question of electronic devices in restaurants, should we remove TVs from pubs because my bf watches sports while we eat? Sometimes, I just like the company while I'm eating; I don't need someone to be hanging on my every word. These people who ignore their companions by texting, googling, etc., do it not only at the table, but also do it anywhere — in many ways. They are the same jerks who text in the car as they drive over the curb while rounding the corner. So being ignored by someone with a device seems more like a reflection of the relationship. Stop blaming the devices and fix your situation.-COLLAPSE
"The rules have changed" because a phone provides subjective enhancement? Nonsense. Put your phone away and converse like a real person.
I'm a frequent contributor to Yelp but the one thing I absolutely will NOT do while sitting in a restaurant is photograph my food. It is so insanely tacky I don't even know where to begin...it's really akin to wearing a baseball cap to dinner. Just don't do...+READ
"The rules have changed" because a phone provides subjective enhancement? Nonsense. Put your phone away and converse like a real person.
I'm a frequent contributor to Yelp but the one thing I absolutely will NOT do while sitting in a restaurant is photograph my food. It is so insanely tacky I don't even know where to begin...it's really akin to wearing a baseball cap to dinner. Just don't do it.-COLLAPSE
No phones at the table. The rules have NOT changed. What houndgirl said.
Nah, absolutely disagree. We have lost so much skill in human interaction. I am beyond annoyed with friends that can't put their phone away for an hour and have a face-to-face conversation with me over a nice meal. I don't care who's posted what on Facebook and gee, maybe if I don't know what vadouvan is, I can ask the nice waiter. Geez, no one starved to death trying to figure out what to order...+READ
Nah, absolutely disagree. We have lost so much skill in human interaction. I am beyond annoyed with friends that can't put their phone away for an hour and have a face-to-face conversation with me over a nice meal. I don't care who's posted what on Facebook and gee, maybe if I don't know what vadouvan is, I can ask the nice waiter. Geez, no one starved to death trying to figure out what to order off a restaurant menu before people had cell phones.-COLLAPSE
Or you could just continue to promote polite behavior over instant self gratification.