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Dear Helena,
A good friend of mine is getting married in a few weeks, and her sister and another bridesmaid are planning the bachelorette party. We recently became aware of the plans for the night, and they are rather unexpected. Part of the evening includes an exercise activity between dinner and dancing (we've been told to bring a change of clothes and a towel because it's a "workout"). The kicker here isn't that we'll be all sweaty after dinner and before dancing, but that out of the blue, they've assumed that all of the guests will chip in for the cost of the activity. I was always under the impression that when you throw a party, you cover the cost. If you can't afford it, then you shouldn't do it. Am I being a cheapskate for being annoyed that I am expected to chip in? Would it be rude to ask if they are expecting us to help pay for the entire night? Please help since I'm feeling like a cheapskate.
—Spent Enough on My Damn Bridesmaid's Dress
Dear Spent Enough,
In general, it's tacky indeed to throw a party and demand an entrance fee, and that includes weddings (though that doesn't seem to stop some couples from expecting guests to pay for the food and drink). But the bachelor or bachelorette party is the exception to this rule. This is one night when guests should expect to pay their own way and help chip in for the guest of honor. No, it's not fair that you should have to shell out for cocktails when you also have to spring for a set of espresso cups or designer table linens as a gift and, in your case, for a bridesmaid's dress. But it's the way things are done. So don't bother asking the hostess if you'll be helping to pay for the rest of the evening. You definitely will.
But, there's a big caveat to this advice. Expecting guests to help pay for a bachelor or bachelorette party is acceptable when the party is of a somewhat predictable and limited scope: say, presenting the bride with some edible underwear and then taking her on a bar crawl. The problem is that, like weddings, some bachelor and bachelorette parties are getting quite elaborate. Nowadays, your hostess could ask you to chip in for a cooking class ($149 per guest, not including tip) or dinner and drinks at a transgender club with a personal lap dance for the bride ($120 to $150 each, including limo). Just as there are destination weddings, now there are destination bachelor and bachelorette nights: Vegas vacations, wine country spa weekends, ski cabin rentals. Asking guests to pay such exorbitant costs puts them in an uncomfortable position, and, I believe, is rude behavior on the part of the host.
If a host wants to do something expensive, I think they should ask people to respond only if they are willing to contribute. That's because it's awkward for you, the guest, to write back and explain that you don't want to fork over your cash for, say, a group pole-dancing class. You end up looking like a tightwad, when in fact your refusal is perfectly reasonable. Moreover, the host should be up front about what's in store. You're quite right to be annoyed that your hostess has scheduled a mystery exercise activity and is now demanding that everybody help pay for it. If you're paying, you have a right to know what you are paying for.
So what should you do? At this point, even though the request is rude, you can't really refuse to contribute without looking like a buzzkill. But if it makes you feel better, buy a slightly less expensive wedding gift.
I'm tired of this "weddings are expensive" crap. In 2004, my husband and I bought our rings, had a lovely small outdoor wedding, and paid for a small reception, and our grand total was $1200.
Weddings are as expensive as you want them to be. Dropping a huge sum of money on a one-day party that is ultimately challenging for you to enjoy because you're so stressed out about the events /...+READ
I'm tired of this "weddings are expensive" crap. In 2004, my husband and I bought our rings, had a lovely small outdoor wedding, and paid for a small reception, and our grand total was $1200.
Weddings are as expensive as you want them to be. Dropping a huge sum of money on a one-day party that is ultimately challenging for you to enjoy because you're so stressed out about the events / execution seems absolutely absurd to me.
We have so many friends who've dropped $25k on a wedding and then have had to live in poverty for a year after the fact to atone for it, which put a lot of unnecessary stress on them. Nothing like financial strain on a new marriage: it's not surprising some of them have already divorced less than five years in.-COLLAPSE
Wonder what a "sorry, this is over my budget" response would do.
Just be thankful you're not expected to attend a "stag and doe" - or as I call it, a "grabbin' dough." For those not in southwestern Ontario, this is a cheesy "party" in which the bride- and groom-to-be charge $15 or $20 for admission, and set up games you can play for $5 or so a pop. They keep all the money to pay for the wedding. Tacky, tacky, tacky. Instead of having a wedding you can afford,...+READ
Just be thankful you're not expected to attend a "stag and doe" - or as I call it, a "grabbin' dough." For those not in southwestern Ontario, this is a cheesy "party" in which the bride- and groom-to-be charge $15 or $20 for admission, and set up games you can play for $5 or so a pop. They keep all the money to pay for the wedding. Tacky, tacky, tacky. Instead of having a wedding you can afford, why not squeeze cash out of everyone to help pay for it? The grossest thing, IMO, is that people invite hundreds of people and many of them barely acquaintances; usually only a fraction of the people are actually invited to the wedding. Ugh.-COLLAPSE
I had my bachlorette party this past June and it was absolutely memorable... and not that expensive. My maid of honor was phenomenal. The only thing I had to do was present her with a list of potential guests. My maid of honor then asked each person on the list their preferences from a few ideas that she had; none of which were too elaborate or expensive. We ended up going to Casa la Femme (a...+READ
I had my bachlorette party this past June and it was absolutely memorable... and not that expensive. My maid of honor was phenomenal. The only thing I had to do was present her with a list of potential guests. My maid of honor then asked each person on the list their preferences from a few ideas that she had; none of which were too elaborate or expensive. We ended up going to Casa la Femme (a prix fix meal in the Village with a bellydancer) and a comedy club. Every guest knew up front how much they would pay. As I had attended a few of my guests' bachlorette parties prior to my own, they had no cause for complaint- as I had to pay for their activities as well. Look- weddings are insanely expensive. I managed thankfully to keep my costs down (under $20k) but that's still a LOT of money in this economy. Not to mention, the bride is under so much pressure of the gazillion things to get done, not having to worry about paying for her own bachlorette party just makes so much sense. The same goes for the bridesmaid's- they have to pay for their dresses and so many other things that just add up and up- to have them pay for the entire bachlorette party makes no sense either. Finally, you should know your friends' budgets; if they're not millionaires, be reasonable. I always think of destination events as for people who really don't want that many of their friends to come. Not everyone can afford a weekend in Vegas.-COLLAPSE
In my experience, the more complicated and expencive an event becomes the less fun it is. The best batchlor party I have been to was a weekend of water sking at a friend's cabin (total cost about $150-200 per person for the weekend) The worst was a trip to Alberta in a rented party van, hotel stay, strip club etc. (total cost $750-1000 per person for the weekend)
Thank god all my friends are married, and my bridesmaid days are long over. And who expects people to "workout" right after dinner?
I had never heard of a bride planning her own bachelorette party until a friend's fiancee invited me to hers (the first one, which never happened because the wedding was postponed), all planned out. She told me up front how much it would probably cost and I told her I wasn't sure I could come. This is another reason most of my friends are men. It's unlikely that when they possibly get married...+READ
I had never heard of a bride planning her own bachelorette party until a friend's fiancee invited me to hers (the first one, which never happened because the wedding was postponed), all planned out. She told me up front how much it would probably cost and I told her I wasn't sure I could come. This is another reason most of my friends are men. It's unlikely that when they possibly get married some day that many of them would ask me to their bachelor parties and it's easy enough to turn the bride-to-be down if you're his friend and not hers.-COLLAPSE
Ruth, my uncle spent close to that on his wedding in '95. Thing is, he owned several businesses and was expected to flaunt his wealth because there were a lot of clients and investors there. It was uncomfortable, excessive, and exceedingly rich-trash tacky at times...but no one other than him paid a cent for anything and the food was amazing.
I'm always bashing Helena's advice, so credit where credit is due: she's spot on with this answer. I threw a bachelorette party for a close friend (dinner and a live performance of Rocky Horror, a decades-long bride fave) and informed everyone upfront of the estimated costs.
These elaborate weddings are getting completely out of hand. When I read postings on the chowhound board from people who...+READ
I'm always bashing Helena's advice, so credit where credit is due: she's spot on with this answer. I threw a bachelorette party for a close friend (dinner and a live performance of Rocky Horror, a decades-long bride fave) and informed everyone upfront of the estimated costs.
These elaborate weddings are getting completely out of hand. When I read postings on the chowhound board from people who are spending $30K for the rehearsal dinner I'm appalled not so much at the over-the-top extravagance but at the idea that spending $50-100K on wedding-related activities is now considered perfectly reasonable.-COLLAPSE
in this day and age with so many people facing reduced incomes, foreclosed mortgages, etc., Helena is right that it seems churlish to ask guests who may already be flying across the country, arranging for sitters, booking hotel rooms, etc. to have to tack on a cost for an event like this. Heaven help the couple that know both the bride and groom and have to pay for both the bachelor and...+READ
in this day and age with so many people facing reduced incomes, foreclosed mortgages, etc., Helena is right that it seems churlish to ask guests who may already be flying across the country, arranging for sitters, booking hotel rooms, etc. to have to tack on a cost for an event like this. Heaven help the couple that know both the bride and groom and have to pay for both the bachelor and bachelorette party.-COLLAPSE
I agree that this doesn't seem too Chow-y. And it has also been my experience that the bachelorette party is usually planned and paid for by the bridesmaides. I'm not sure how I would react if I were expected to attend and pay for an expensive bride-planned event, but I'm pretty sure that I would have to bow out of paying for a lap dance for anyone.
I have been a bridesmaid for 2 good friends. Both times the bachelorette party was organized by another bridesmaid. And both times, the organizer sent out an email with the target cost per guest (not counting travel) and proposed some activities for the night-- BEFORE she made reservations or asked guests to commit. I think that this is the best way to allow guests the opportunity to weigh in...+READ
I have been a bridesmaid for 2 good friends. Both times the bachelorette party was organized by another bridesmaid. And both times, the organizer sent out an email with the target cost per guest (not counting travel) and proposed some activities for the night-- BEFORE she made reservations or asked guests to commit. I think that this is the best way to allow guests the opportunity to weigh in with their own ideas/financial limitations, or to gracefully bow out (whether it's because they can't afford the party or are don't feel like exercising).
Anyway... why is this article on CHOW? Edible underwear?-COLLAPSE