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Dear Helena,
I am planning a small drinks party and am concerned that some of my guests will not leave until after midnight. Is it rude or at least nonfestive for me to specify an ending time, such as 12 a.m., on the invitation? I don't want my guests to feel like I'm booting them out the door.
—Early to Bed
Dear Early to Bed,
I sympathize with your desire not to have your drinks party turn into an all-night rager. Before I had a baby, I loved that kind of party, and my guests never left before 2 a.m. But nowadays, like you, I'd rather not stay up past midnight. And there's nothing rude about making this clear on the invitation. It's certainly better than interrupting a party in full swing by switching off the music, distributing coats, and yelling, "Who needs me to call them a cab?"
When you're throwing a dinner party, there's no need to specify a departure time, because dinner gives the evening a natural beginning, middle, and end. Everyone knows that dessert is the signal that things are winding down (unless you break out the liqueurs and suggest a game of charades). But a drinks party is different, because there is no social consensus on how long it should last. People with kids probably want to be home by 11 to relieve the baby-sitter, and middle-aged guests often fade by midnight. But twentysomethings might be happy to hang out until dawn.
Specifying an end time on the invitation does more than just tell guests when you want them to leave. It also tells guests (or at least polite ones) when you want them to arrive. Showing up as much as an hour late to a party that has an open end time is common practice in New York, says museum consultant Cate Conmy, and, she says, every guest has a ready-made excuse: the subway. In her view, the problem is that guests see parties as being akin to concerts. "If you're going to see a band, it never really starts at the designated time, but maybe an hour or more later."
If you set an end time, guests will stop treating your drinks party like a concert where they can drift in whenever. Instead, they'll treat it like a movie, where they won't show up late because it means missing too much.
This sounds like the kind of thing that happens as people transition from university style house-parties (never show up less than an hour after the stated start time or your hosts are likely to still be in the shower, BYOB, going until all hours of the morning, crash on the couch if you miss the lass subway home) to an entertaining style that acknowledges things like jobs that want you to show up...+READ
This sounds like the kind of thing that happens as people transition from university style house-parties (never show up less than an hour after the stated start time or your hosts are likely to still be in the shower, BYOB, going until all hours of the morning, crash on the couch if you miss the lass subway home) to an entertaining style that acknowledges things like jobs that want you to show up on time, un-hungover, kids, and a steady decline in your ability to party all night and still function the next day.-COLLAPSE
My late husband was a native Texan, and proud of the expressions unique to the state. When our party guests were leaving, he was often fond of saying "So nice to see you! Come back when you can't stay so long!!"
I have no trouble letting people know an end time to a party. I sometimes call cabs to take people to a local watering hole where they can make their own way home.
There is nothing wrong with specifying an end time. "Drinks and dessert at my place served from 8pm to midnight this Friday night!"
I'm in my 30s and due to some health issues, sleep is particularly important for me. Most of my friends are in their 20s - a mixed blessing - and night owls, so they don't understand my desire to go to bed by 11:00 if I don't have company, and 1:00 at the latest if I do.
That being said, when 1:00 hits, I'll usually excuse myself and tell them that I need my sleep. They're more than welcome to...+READ
I'm in my 30s and due to some health issues, sleep is particularly important for me. Most of my friends are in their 20s - a mixed blessing - and night owls, so they don't understand my desire to go to bed by 11:00 if I don't have company, and 1:00 at the latest if I do.
That being said, when 1:00 hits, I'll usually excuse myself and tell them that I need my sleep. They're more than welcome to stay, but I need to take my leave to my bedroom. Usually, they'll end up leaving (sometimes with disappointment) at this time, but some of them actually have stayed for a few more hours to socialize together, and it's never been an issue. They leave the house cleaner than when I went to bed, and have always been excellent guests.-COLLAPSE
It's not rude. I've never had a problem saying "GO HOME!" And it's important to read body language and subtle cues...yawning, stretching and little messages passed with the eyes only mean... Get the hell outta my house. Friends will understand.
Not rude at all. I usually pick a local bar or watering hole and specify that after midnight, the party will be extended there for those who wish to continue the festivities. This always worked well with me and the business owners are always appreciative for the extra business.
My uncle recounted that his Dad would always say, "Elly dear, let's us go on to bed so these poor people can go home..."
POAndrea - I've been on BOTH sides of that coin, and yeah it usu works. the guests get quiet and leave nicely or on the other hand if I'm the lingerer I gently scrub the kitchen and slip away. better than a thank you note if someone did it for me.
but never bad to give an idea of ending time (ish - I always allow for exceptions) but it is your house.
Our guests are notorious for LATE nights, and so we've given up on herding them out. We've even been known to go upstairs to bed after reminding whoever leaves last to lock the door behind her! (One generous soul actually did the dishes, so I guess it's working for us.)
@junescook, I love your solution.
The worst example I saw was when I would attend parties at the home of a woman (her boyfriend lived under her roof then) who lived nearby and were part of the same social circle as I was. She was up and running at 4 or 5, no matter what. So, around 9:30 pm, she would actually starting turning room lights on and off, which wasn't exactly subtle. Her boyfriend...+READ
@junescook, I love your solution.
The worst example I saw was when I would attend parties at the home of a woman (her boyfriend lived under her roof then) who lived nearby and were part of the same social circle as I was. She was up and running at 4 or 5, no matter what. So, around 9:30 pm, she would actually starting turning room lights on and off, which wasn't exactly subtle. Her boyfriend was much more of a partier, and made everyone laugh. Soon, he was gone. She's gone now too, found an older guy and moved to retirement land. I've heard of old souls but hers was a prematurely old soul.-COLLAPSE
Good grief, no; it's not rude. It's common sense and no reasonable person who is trying to balance their life in this current society and employment jungle would be anything but grateful for such a 'guideline.' It could determine whether I would host a party or not!
Or as we say at our house, "honey, lets go to bed so these poor people can go home".
Think it's helpful to your guests, actually, to know when it will be over. I believe, in fact, it's a very old-scool right thing to do. If some of the guests want to keep partying that's fine, but it's not your responsibility to help them do it.
if someone puts an end time on their invitation, don't go!
lamesies.
I personally think that anyone who is put out by being told at what time a party is ending is unreasonably self-centered. If I'm invited to a party, I think it's perfectly reasonable for the host to decide who to invite, what to serve, what time the party starts and yes, what time they'd like the party to end. Maybe not everyone can be as bold as the hostess I cited below, but putting an end time...+READ
I personally think that anyone who is put out by being told at what time a party is ending is unreasonably self-centered. If I'm invited to a party, I think it's perfectly reasonable for the host to decide who to invite, what to serve, what time the party starts and yes, what time they'd like the party to end. Maybe not everyone can be as bold as the hostess I cited below, but putting an end time on an invite is not rude (imho), and when the appropriate time comes, when I'm hosting I don't think twice about starting to clean up, yawn and say I'm tired. If you consider me rude, don't come the next time I invite you over.-COLLAPSE
@thomas64: Perhaps, as the article says, someone with friends who commonly stay at parties until 3 or 4 in the morning, and who rightly feels like setting an early end-time will alienate those guests. I know plenty of people who would feel put-out by being told that a party is ending at a certain time.
Insecure people.
What a stupid question. Who would think specifying an ending time on an invitation would be rude?
I used to be acquainted with a very well known political figure whose wife regularly entertained 6 guests every Friday evening (total of eight at the table). She was so organized that she kept track of the menu being served to all guests, so if you were invited back, the menu was different. She had the routine down pat...cocktails at 6, dinner 6:30 until 8:30, cordials in the living room from...+READ
I used to be acquainted with a very well known political figure whose wife regularly entertained 6 guests every Friday evening (total of eight at the table). She was so organized that she kept track of the menu being served to all guests, so if you were invited back, the menu was different. She had the routine down pat...cocktails at 6, dinner 6:30 until 8:30, cordials in the living room from 8:30 until 9:15 at which time she would stand and thank everyone for coming...a clear message that the party was over! People used to chuckle about it, but nobody thought it was rude. She entertained weekly, and this was her routine!-COLLAPSE