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Dear Helena,
I like to grill, but there is one dude who always tries to take over when I throw a barbecue. He's just trying to help, but it's annoying. He waits until I leave the grill unattended, then pounces, moving things around and flipping the meat before it's done. I'm female so I get especially annoyed when men try to take control of my grill. Is it rude for this dude to try to "help out," and if so, how can I get him to cede my territory?
—Hands Off My Spatula
Dear Hands Off My Spatula,
Every barbecue seems to have its backseat griller. But the only time it's OK for a guest to butt in at your grill is when there's a food-safety issue—like if you've made the common mistake of marinating meat, grilling it, and then serving it on the same platter with the raw meat juices without cleaning the platter.
Otherwise, providing "help" at the grill without being asked is a major faux pas, says Jamie Purviance, a chef and author. Despite having written 10 books on grilling (most recently, Weber's Way to Grill), he would not dream of touching someone else's spatula without an invitation. "Even if the food is burning I would leave it alone." After all, one person's "burned" is another person's "blackened." (See more of Purviance's grilling tips in our video collection on the topic.)
Fire has a primal pull, since grilling is the most ancient cooking method. People can't help looking over your shoulder, eyes riveted on the hot coals. Plus, says Purviance, people often have a strong emotional attachment to their own technique. "[Often] Dad teaches the way, so it's imprinted at an early age."
In the United States, grilling is traditionally a masculine pursuit. As a woman, it's not surprising for you to encounter more backseat grillers than the average male might. (There's a reason why grill mitts and aprons are so often suggested as Father's Day gifts.) Interestingly, says Steven Raichlen, host of TV show Primal Grill, grilling is not so male-dominated in the rest of the world. "Throughout Southeast Asia, in the Balkans, even in Mexico, most of the grilling is done by women," he says, who turn to it as an easy way to run a street-food business. "Grilling is very inexpensive. All you need is some charcoal and a hubcap."
So how do you handle the next dude who tries to muscle in on your grill? Tackle him the same way you would deal with any kitchen busybody: distraction. Purviance suggests sending him off "to look for some kitchen tool that doesn't exist, like a corkscrew shaped like a matchbox, and by the time he comes back, the steaks are done." Better yet, just tell him to mix up another batch of margaritas.
Would saying something like "If you touch my grill again, I will fucking cut you!" be too harsh?
But seriously, your friend basically needs a verbal version of a hand slap, the actual harshness of which depends on how well you know him. He might pout a bit, but he'll get over it once he realizes nobody cares he got his feelings hurt. It might also help him to be less of an ass at parties.
Reminds me of the T-ball dads who step onto the infield when their team is at bat to help the little fielders when moms are out there, but never when dads are present. I wasn't angry when I pointed out to them that I love being out there with my kid as much as any parent. They were surprised, I did my best not to roll my eyes, and they did not repeat.
Vorpal, you're a riot!
I would probably do something horribly silly like buy some police tape, and at your next BBQ, step away from the grill. When he moves in, instantly return with a loud siren noise, declare the tampered BBQ a crime scene - a crime against food! - and then surround the grill with police tape. I would announce, "Sir, drop the spatula and step back from the grill. Sir, you're not listening to me. Drop...+READ
I would probably do something horribly silly like buy some police tape, and at your next BBQ, step away from the grill. When he moves in, instantly return with a loud siren noise, declare the tampered BBQ a crime scene - a crime against food! - and then surround the grill with police tape. I would announce, "Sir, drop the spatula and step back from the grill. Sir, you're not listening to me. Drop the spatula and tongs and step back from the grill now!" and then handcuff him with fur-lined sex cuffs. I'd leave him cuffed for a good 10 minutes or so and refer to him repeatedly and frequently to "Ol' Prison Break." Then if he stays away from the grill, I'd take off the cuffs and let him go early on parole for compliant behaviour and announce him rehabilitated.
I'm guessing he probably wouldn't do it again.
Of course, my friends would find this delightful, whereas most people probably would not, Your mileage may vary.-COLLAPSE
Ok, one exception to my previous comment about never leaving the grill. If you are slow cooking using indirect heat (like smoking or using a rotisserie), it's ok to walk away from the grill. But when you're cooking at high heat any thing that needs flipping (as the writer of the question indicated she was doing), you never walk away.
No, just don't leave the grill. Saying the grill is all under control then walking away is a sign to everyone that you have no idea what you're talking about. Seriously.
Just state aloud in an area where the known pushy person is in earshot, that the food is going great, and you are simply going back inside to do whatever -- don't worry about the grill, it's all covered and you'll be back in xx minutes. Don't direct the comment to him specifically (you'll just seem pushy yourself) but just let folks know the meal is proceeding grandly.
Now of course if he...+READ
Just state aloud in an area where the known pushy person is in earshot, that the food is going great, and you are simply going back inside to do whatever -- don't worry about the grill, it's all covered and you'll be back in xx minutes. Don't direct the comment to him specifically (you'll just seem pushy yourself) but just let folks know the meal is proceeding grandly.
Now of course if he doesn't get the hint from that, the next time you'll just have to take him aside privately and be direct and firm... and yes, then you will probably hurt his feelings or whatever, but...
Maybe give him something else to do, like pouring the drinks?-COLLAPSE
interesting, gonna email this to my dad. He always whines about his brother in law bossy him around at our bbq's
I think if you are leaving the grill unattended, it's a cry for help. When my husband grills, he's there, at the grill, til it's all done.
What is it with this icing, spreading or batter tool? (spatula) A turner is the flat tool one uses to turn over food...
People that really know me would never interfere with my grilling or cooking- and vice versa. Besides organization is key to having some fun as disorganization leads to disasters.
If you walk away and leave your spatula or tongs its your bad. Or if you walk away and do not tell people to NOT touch the grill. Your bad again. Makes you wonder if they are trying to help because you suck at grilling?
Seriously, is it really such an offense for someone to want to help with the grilling (even if he is being too pushy) that you want to publicly humiliate them, never see them again, or grill their hand? As too few here have suggested, a simple but firm, "I have this under control, thanks; please go enjoy yourself" should take care of everything--and, if necessary, assigning another task (one...+READ
Seriously, is it really such an offense for someone to want to help with the grilling (even if he is being too pushy) that you want to publicly humiliate them, never see them again, or grill their hand? As too few here have suggested, a simple but firm, "I have this under control, thanks; please go enjoy yourself" should take care of everything--and, if necessary, assigning another task (one that's helpful, not an insulting fake quest) would be beneficial to all involved.-COLLAPSE
Gently take either of his/hers hands and firmly jamb it onto the grill, next to the burgers/chicken etc.(two or three seconds will do) quietly tell him/her, if you ever f-with my food grilling again, I'll do your other un-blemished hand.
Work's like a charm!
pdxgastro has it exactly right. You should never leave the grill once you put food on to cook (regardless of whether or not you're trying to prevent someone else from taking control). Leaving untended food on a fire can be dangerous (flare ups) and -- even worse -- runs the high risk of over-cooking the food. Go to the bathroom before you put the food on the grill. After that, any other required...+READ
pdxgastro has it exactly right. You should never leave the grill once you put food on to cook (regardless of whether or not you're trying to prevent someone else from taking control). Leaving untended food on a fire can be dangerous (flare ups) and -- even worse -- runs the high risk of over-cooking the food. Go to the bathroom before you put the food on the grill. After that, any other required tasks away from the grill should be delegated or requested of a guest (maybe this guy who is so eager to "help") until the food comes off. If you absolutely MUST step away from the grill, then ask someone you trust to hold the spatula and watch the grill while you are away. At least that way, you're in control of who takes over. A completely unattended grill is just BEGGING to have someone step in and take over, and you have only yourself to blame if you create the situation for that to happen.-COLLAPSE
I can't stand it when someone else tries to tell me how to cook or what I am doing wrong let alone mess with my cooking on the BBQ or in my kitchen. So when this has happened to me I responded by saying something "Wow, I didn't realize I was entertaining such an accomplished chef. Don't you just hate it when someone tries to take over? He got the point.
Assuming this clown is your friend, you can't just publicly humiliate him the way some others have suggested. That would add a bad vibe to the whole area around the grill. Only a host who's a jerk would do that to a guest. There are plenty of ways to politely tell the guy, "hands off!" without creating a scene. At worst, if he doesn't get the message then at least speak to him in private. If he...+READ
Assuming this clown is your friend, you can't just publicly humiliate him the way some others have suggested. That would add a bad vibe to the whole area around the grill. Only a host who's a jerk would do that to a guest. There are plenty of ways to politely tell the guy, "hands off!" without creating a scene. At worst, if he doesn't get the message then at least speak to him in private. If he still doesn't get the message then he shouldn't be your friend and he shouldn't be invited again.-COLLAPSE
Ugh, sounds like one of *those* guys. Just take back your implements, stare him down, and take up your post. That way if he starts to make a scene everyone would look at him and think, "what's his problem?"
I'd yell out so everyone heard: "OK everyone, (his name here) is now grill tender, give all your requests to him!" Then turn and tell him he'd better not screw up anyone's request. Spread the word to everyone to be really fussy, like "I want it almost red on the inside, but not bloody, and really charred on the outside, but not burnt!"
If you absolutely need to leave the grill, make sure you take your spatula with you and make sure there aren't any other implements left around for him to improvise with.
I like the water bottle idea. Of course I'd probably go for a few choice words that aren't suitable for tiny ears which would then turn a lovely family event into something less so. >_>
With your spatula, press his hand to the hot grill and ask if it feels right for hot dogs.
I would tell him in no uncertain terms that no one should touch the BBQ without being asked to. If he is insulted, so be it. Think of what will change if you keep saying nothing.... Nothing will change. Is that what you want?
Hands off my spatula should make this clear before the fact. "Zack, if you mess with the stuff on the grill you are 86'd on the spot, for all time." If he's half a couple, make sure the other half gets the word.
Don't have him over again. Problem solved.
Or, you could just say, "Thanks, but I've got everything under control and I don't need your help."
Don't ever leave the grill. Delegate if you need something done, but never leave your post.
I think this is another handy use for your anti-flair food grade plastic water spray bottle. When the interloper snags the spatula immediately douse the tool with water getting him wet simultaneously. "Whoa, my homeowner's specifies that only I can handle the barbecue tools, sorry! I didn't want you to get burnt!"
How about excluding him from the next BBQ? Even if he's your BIL/BBF's BF, make it clear to the other half that unless he keeps his hands off, he can't attend.
Have them quickly & very publicly ,"muscled" off the property by your security team...Skullmunchers,Diablos,Ex-Spetsnaz Commandos or whatever.
I had someone do this to me once, I had briefly stepped away from the grill and returned to find this person smashing all the juices from the hamburgers! I might have flipped out a little, which kept him away from the grill for the rest of the event. But since then, if I'm stepping away from the grill I just make a general announcement like "I'll be right back, don't touch my grill!"
If I had...+READ
I had someone do this to me once, I had briefly stepped away from the grill and returned to find this person smashing all the juices from the hamburgers! I might have flipped out a little, which kept him away from the grill for the rest of the event. But since then, if I'm stepping away from the grill I just make a general announcement like "I'll be right back, don't touch my grill!"
If I had constant troubles with someone, they probably would never find themselves invited again. That may not be an option in some cases though.-COLLAPSE
He sounds like an overbearing douchey type -- note he waits until she's absent before muscling in.
If I were her, I'd pretend to rush off to do something and keep an eye out for when he decides to jump in and "help." At that point I'd swoop back and quietly but firmly insist I have everything under control and possibly remove the implement from his hand, insisting I don't need his help. Any...+READ
He sounds like an overbearing douchey type -- note he waits until she's absent before muscling in.
If I were her, I'd pretend to rush off to do something and keep an eye out for when he decides to jump in and "help." At that point I'd swoop back and quietly but firmly insist I have everything under control and possibly remove the implement from his hand, insisting I don't need his help. Any further interference after that would be met with a "Back off, buddy!! Step away from the grill!!"-COLLAPSE