My Friends Are All Give and No Take

Published on Tuesday, May 24, 2011, by Helena Echlin / Edit Post

Dear Helena,
We have some relatively new friends. So far, they have hosted more dinner/meal get-togethers than we have, and every time I invite them to our place for dinner (and suggest they get back to us on what date is convenient for their schedule) they ask us to come to their house instead of actually responding to the invitation to come to our house.

No matter how I've tried bringing up the subject diplomatically—that we feel it's our turn to host, or they should let us wait on them for a change—or even being so blunt as to say on several occasions, "You've hosted more dinners than we have so far and we really want it to be fair and even," it has gotten turned around. We always have a good time together, but their doing more than what I think should be a fair share makes me feel we are being rude somehow.
—It's My Turn

Dear It's My Turn,
When your friends invite you to dinner, you should offer to reciprocate, whether with another dinner or in some other way, like treating them to drinks. To sound genuine, your invitation must be specific, and it must be repeated. You can't just throw out a vague "We should have you guys over," but should mention a date and time. After you've been rebuffed once, you should try at least twice more. If your friends still refuse to budge, you should address the issue lightheartedly: "We feel like mooches coming to your house and eating your food. Are you OK doing all the entertaining?" But you've already followed these steps, and now there's nothing else for you to do. If they keep turning down your invitations, you're not obliged to force them into having dinner at your house.

There are all sorts of reasons why this couple might prefer to socialize on their home turf, such as food allergies or extreme dietary restrictions. When I posed your question to readers of The Kitchn, they also pointed out that some people like to drink and don't want to drive afterward. Justin R. explained that some people may have humiliating digestive issues, writing: "who wants to say 'No, I can't have the main course, it gives me explosive diarrhea'?" Justin R. suffers from such severe OCD "and two other anxiety disorders" that if he has dinner at someone's house, his hand tremors make him terrified of breaking something, and "I generally excuse myself several times to have anxiety attacks as quietly as possible in the bathroom." So don't probe your friends about why they won't come over, because their reason could be embarrassing to them.

There is another explanation: Your friends are compulsive hosts. This may be because they are truly generous people, or because they fear that nobody will like them unless they make brunch, lunch, and dinner. Whatever the reason, such people feel uncomfortable having others treat them in return. So you shouldn't feel guilty about not hosting.

I call these types "Ed-and-Dawns," after a couple I knew in grad school. They let me stay at their place two nights a week for the entire semester. Dawn usually cooked a lovely vegetarian meal—such as a wild mushroom quesadilla—even though she and Ed were on the Atkins diet and lived on bacon and eggs. I tried to show my gratitude with a thank-you gift of a pretty orchid in a pot. But Dawn had something even better for me. I had once told her that I wanted to continue my dead grandfather's tradition of making trifle. Dawn presented me with a beautiful glass trifle dish.

Moral of the story: If your friends are Ed-and-Dawns, don't try to reciprocate in any way, or they will just keep upping the ante. If you offer, for example, to contribute a dish for dinner, they'll just insist that you take it home—along with the rest of the strawberry meringue torte they served for dessert. So relax and let them spoil you. They enjoy it.

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POST A COMMENT |18 Comments

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  • WTF is with all this prejudice about pet owners? I have cats, they DO NOT walk on the countertops (they stay on the ground, they are seriously lazy), and my house is impeccably clean. I vacuum and dust anywhere from 2-3 times per week, and always wipe down my counters and stove with antibacterial cleaner and paper towels. I keep everything ridiculously clean, and anyone who knows me knows I'm OCD...+READ

    WTF is with all this prejudice about pet owners? I have cats, they DO NOT walk on the countertops (they stay on the ground, they are seriously lazy), and my house is impeccably clean. I vacuum and dust anywhere from 2-3 times per week, and always wipe down my counters and stove with antibacterial cleaner and paper towels. I keep everything ridiculously clean, and anyone who knows me knows I'm OCD about things being clean.

    I just think it's asinine to refuse invitations from pet owners. I'd be horribly offended if someone did that to me, and in fact would probably sever my friendship with them. Filthy homes are one thing, but don't be an asshole and assume everyone with pets automatically has a dirty house.-COLLAPSE

  • my parents are compulsive hosts! it's because they don't trust anyone else.

  • I have friends that are compulsive hosts and have cat hair covering everything - I once had to wash pet hair off the hot sause bottle! I have OCD so this is worse for me than the average person BUT not having to clean up after dinner is a major plus especially since my dishwasher doesn't work so I'm torn!

  • i






    Then there exists the possibility that it's about "control"-in the passive aggressive realm.

  • Yep - either bad hygiene, filthy house, or a horrible cook. I would go with the first 2.

  • Maybe your house is really dirty or you have cats walking on the countertops?

  • i have a friend who is a really bad cook, and she'll be the first to admit it. i avoid dinner at her house.

  • People suck!

  • I agree, they clearly like your company and have something that keeps them from eating at your house, whatever it is.

    It would bug me, though, if it was me- I'd sure wonder why.

  • Change friends?

  • As pointed out, there could be lots of reasons, most of them having nothing to do with the 'guest' couple. If you happen to have friends in common you might try to find out if that is how they act with all their friends. If it is, you are not going to change it. If its just you, well then it might be time for self examination, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. They like you enough as you...+READ

    As pointed out, there could be lots of reasons, most of them having nothing to do with the 'guest' couple. If you happen to have friends in common you might try to find out if that is how they act with all their friends. If it is, you are not going to change it. If its just you, well then it might be time for self examination, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. They like you enough as you are to keep inviting you over.-COLLAPSE

  • Yep, I agree with those that "hate to say it" and I do, too, but I'd advise the op not to push for the reason. Might be something that would hurt your feelings. I don't see any way you can come out ahead by pressing for the answer. It is what it is.

    So, assuming you enjoy their company, just go with it. Be sure to always bring some sort of really nice hostess gift, though. Wine is the obvious...+READ

    Yep, I agree with those that "hate to say it" and I do, too, but I'd advise the op not to push for the reason. Might be something that would hurt your feelings. I don't see any way you can come out ahead by pressing for the answer. It is what it is.

    So, assuming you enjoy their company, just go with it. Be sure to always bring some sort of really nice hostess gift, though. Wine is the obvious thing, but you could also show up with a basket of goodies from a local gourmet store, or some other something that you think they'd like.

    And then, what I'd probably do is to invite them to a local restaurant. Give a specific date and time. "We found this great little Italian place, and thought you might like to join us this Friday night. Our treat, of course, since it's our turn."

    If they jump at the chance, I think that adds a little weight to the theory that they don't want to come for dinner at your place.

    And who knows... It could be not so much "you" as it is that they don't like to eat anybody else's cooking. My grandmother was that way. She had a real cleanliness fetish. She realized it and knew it was odd. We all laughed about it. She wouldn't even taste the things brought by the other church ladies to the covered dish suppers.

    But restaurants were okay. I often shuddered to think what she'd do if she ever saw the kitchen at most of those restaurants.

    I suspect that would have been the end of that as well.-COLLAPSE

  • I'm with foufou I think there is a hygine issue, or they are bad cooks. I have a friend who's hygine is such that I won't eat anything she cooks. I have gotten cookies as a gift and have tossed them straight away. What are you suppose to say? You don't wash your hands after going to the bathroom everytime!, your house is filthy! and so are you! ??? She's a nice person but food, NO THANKS!

  • There's also a possibility these people just like to stay at home and have people come to them, which can get annoying if, say, you live far apart and you're always the one who has to travel. At this point, though, I think you have to decide whether it's a big enough deal to stop these dinner parties altogether - because it doesn't look like they're gonna budge.

  • I hate to say it, but I have friends who are such bad cooks, that I cringe when they invite me. I do go, but I am sure to eat before I go. Otherwise, I risk at best, a bad meal, and at worst, poisoning!

  • I have friends who are homebodies and now that they have a dog they are even more so. I used to try to have them over more but now I stick to bringing a bottle of wine everytime I go (even though it is more of a Lucy and Ethel best friends for years situation) because they just don't really want to come over.

  • I never accept invitations from pet owners or those who are challenged in the kitchen hygiene department; and if I am in doubt, I say no too.....of course, I don't share the reason because I don't want to offend a potential host

  • No offense but it's totally possible that your friends are, or at least think they are, better cooks/hosts than you. If the focus is on food and you have a dull paring knife, glass cutting board, and one pan with most of the teflon rubbing off, would you come to your house? I know it sounds terrible because it should be about the company but we all definitely take into consideration the...+READ

    No offense but it's totally possible that your friends are, or at least think they are, better cooks/hosts than you. If the focus is on food and you have a dull paring knife, glass cutting board, and one pan with most of the teflon rubbing off, would you come to your house? I know it sounds terrible because it should be about the company but we all definitely take into consideration the resources, skill, and space available. If they insist, just go to their house. Free meal for you and it pleases them to host.-COLLAPSE