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Dear Helena,
My kid is an amazing eater, and at home she eats more or less what we eat, from tempeh to turnips. I pack her these great nutritious lunches, but recently she has come home [from school] feeling upset and embarrassed because they are so different from what the others are eating. She's afraid the other kids will look at her quinoa patty or whatever and go, "Ugh." Is there some way I can help her feel better about her lunch and defend herself against the other kids?
—Healthy Mom
Dear Healthy Mom,
Are the other kids actually mocking her? It's possible the drama is all in her head. Hugh Garvey, cocreator of Gastrokid, recalls: "I grew up in the Midwest ... I felt weird for having natural peanut butter on whole-wheat bread when my friends were having Wonder bread and [regular] peanut butter and Little Debbie snack cakes. But I never got any grief; it was purely an internal thing." Kate Zankowicz, a museum educator in Toronto, was brought up on a macrobiotic diet and cringes at the memory of her eccentric lunch: "a rice cake with peanut or almond butter with seaweed hidden inside and another rice cake on top. The whole lunch just smelled like fish." But though Zankowicz felt humiliated, other kids didn't tease her until she started a new school. Generally, the kids she grew up with were more likely to take pity on her and offer her pudding cups and Fruit Roll-Ups.
These days, kids are even less likely to sneer at someone else's lunch. For one thing, adults, and therefore kids, now have a much more cosmopolitan diet. Garvey says, "With Trader Joe's scouring the world for the next delicious foreign product, I see my daughter being curious about other cultures' foods." In addition, Kate Zuckerman, a pastry chef and mother of three in Manhattan, points out that concern over allergies has outlawed sharing or swapping. As a result, "there's privacy built around each child's lunch."
Still, even if your daughter's fear is groundless, you don't want her to feel scared to reveal the contents of her lunch. One obvious solution is to disguise her meal as a more mainstream offering. You could pack a lunch that at least follows the usual paradigm—sandwich, chips, cookie, fruit—as opposed to, say, wheat-berry balls with shredded-carrot-and-hijiki salad.
But if you do this, you're sending the message that it's better to blend in than be an individual. In any case, the disguise probably won't work. Zankowicz says that for a "treat," her mother sometimes gave her "bread" made out of compressed brown rice, and "cookies" that were really seaweed-sesame crackers. She wasn't fooled for one second, and the other kids probably weren't either.
So what should you do? The answer is simple: Strive harder for deliciousness. Your daughter's food sounds ultrahealthy, but—forgive me—not so delicious. I'm a pretty hard-core vegetarian, and even I would not be excited to find tempeh or turnips in my lunch. And I steer clear of any vegetarian item called a "patty." If your daughter looked forward to opening her lunchbox, I don't think she'd be half as concerned with peer judgment. Garvey's nine-year-old daughter, Violet, is a "philosophical vegetarian" who takes meat-free lunches to school such as quinoa with roasted sweet potatoes and herbs. She's never felt remotely self-conscious or asked if she could have a cheese sandwich instead. "Make it delicious and it will trump the judgment of others," he says. "Seitan doesn't taste good."
One final pointer: Though you should prepare tempting foods, avoid anything overly pungent. My dad used to send me to school with banana and bacon sandwiches. They were surprisingly tasty, but by noon, I did feel mildly apologetic about the ripe banana stink emanating from my locker. Be it on a plane, on a train, or in the school lunchroom, it's polite to avoid smelly food when dining in public.
Tell your daughter to say she is a Jamie Oliver follower, and everyone should follow her and pack lunched like hers. One thing , we do get to choose what we put into our stomachs!!!!!!
banana & bacon sandwiches!??? your dad's a genius!!
Man... You guys know what your talkin about. Man, I suck.
This reminds me of a minor culinary calamity that I inadvertently caused one time at my son't preschool. I sent him to school with his normal lunch, which was probably something like a sandwich on whole wheat bread, carrot sticks, and a piece of fruit. That day, another child had come in with the identical (from the outside) lunchbox but an entirely different lunch.
At lunchtime, the other...+READ
This reminds me of a minor culinary calamity that I inadvertently caused one time at my son't preschool. I sent him to school with his normal lunch, which was probably something like a sandwich on whole wheat bread, carrot sticks, and a piece of fruit. That day, another child had come in with the identical (from the outside) lunchbox but an entirely different lunch.
At lunchtime, the other child had not yet woken up from his nap, and my son ate the contents of what he thought was his lunchbox...which included chips, Little Debbie cakes, etc. When the other child woke up, he was faced with a very unwelcome surprise...all there was for him to eat was all that yukky carrots, fruit, and whole wheat stuff. What a tragedy! According to what their teacher told me, he was inconsolable.-COLLAPSE
Agreed! It's always nice to get a wide variety of perspectives, on food issues... good group. :-)
Thank you Evz. I can appreciate your perspective as well. This has been a good dialogue with many opinions.
@eatswjoy
I'm glad to hear that your school district is an exception! and it's great that there's a growing demand for better school lunches... I certainly intended no offense towards those programs that ARE trying to improve.
But... would you really argue that healthy/ noncrap lunches are the *norm*, in US public schools? I think that would be a far-fetched assertion, wouldn't it? I stand...+READ
@eatswjoy
I'm glad to hear that your school district is an exception! and it's great that there's a growing demand for better school lunches... I certainly intended no offense towards those programs that ARE trying to improve.
But... would you really argue that healthy/ noncrap lunches are the *norm*, in US public schools? I think that would be a far-fetched assertion, wouldn't it? I stand by the argument that *most* schools (by personal observation while working several years within a large school district, & based on extensive reading about food & nutrition issues relative to pediatric health & learning disorders)still offer primarily unhealthy choices, rife with edible foodlike substances, fried & overprocessed junk, low-quality ingredients (ie beef rejected by fast-food corporate buyers) and a high-calorie overabundance of saturated fat, sodium, and cholesterol.
BUT: I do apologize if I said that in a clumsy way... I'm glad things are changing, where you are. Hopefully it's a trend that will continue and expand! :-)-COLLAPSE
We were concerned about this with our daughters, too. We live in a notoriously closed-minded area of the southeastern US and even I, as an adult, have had people come running into the breakroom at lunch to see what I was having so they could wrinkle their nose up and act disgusted about it. Maybe we just got lucky, but here's what was successful for us: we adopted the Japanese custom of Bento...+READ
We were concerned about this with our daughters, too. We live in a notoriously closed-minded area of the southeastern US and even I, as an adult, have had people come running into the breakroom at lunch to see what I was having so they could wrinkle their nose up and act disgusted about it. Maybe we just got lucky, but here's what was successful for us: we adopted the Japanese custom of Bento lunches. You can get bento supplies online for cheap and they are really cute! I practiced arranging foods in a visually interesting manner, making stuffed rice balls shaped like hearts, stars and triangles with little black sesame seed eyes and smiles snipped from a piece of nori, for example. The lunches were so visually attractive that the other kids had a really positive response to them, even though a lot of the food included was stuff they had never eaten before. Eventually I started having to pack my daughters 2 lunches each, because their friends were wanting to sample everything and they would be left hungry. It may depend on the particular kids at your child's school and also on your daughter's attitude as well. If she's already self-conscious, this might add fuel to the fire or set the tone for how people react to things, unfortunately. If she's just fearing that people *might* react poorly, that's one thing. If they actually start reacting poorly, well, perhaps you'll have to alter her lunch ingredients to be healthier than the typical institutional stuff while still not being completely alien to the other kids. Cooked and chilled cheese ravioli with a container of marinara for a dip, pasta salads, pierogi, meatballs (or nutballs, if vegetarian) with a little container of ketchup dip...sanwiches can contain just about anything if you cut them into a cute shape and still be acceptable even if there's a judgmental little twit sitting nearby.-COLLAPSE
Almost forgot...
Schools can be sensitive to vegetarian choices as well, working to provide meat alternatives where possible, ours does that too. :)
Evz, Kudos for your stance for children's participation and ideas to help them.
Unfortunately, using comments like "most school lunches are crap" are offensive and stereotypical and may not be true. In my area, the schools are doing their best to use natural products like baked herbed chicken, roasted vegetables including red potatoes rather than french fries. Fresh fruit over canned. Our...+READ
Evz, Kudos for your stance for children's participation and ideas to help them.
Unfortunately, using comments like "most school lunches are crap" are offensive and stereotypical and may not be true. In my area, the schools are doing their best to use natural products like baked herbed chicken, roasted vegetables including red potatoes rather than french fries. Fresh fruit over canned. Our salad bar has red leaf, green leaf and romaine lettuce rather than iceberg. They also try to by local when possible. This is just a very small example, the list can go on and on.
If the schools in your area are serving crap, than parents need to ask the schools to make some changes, changes that the school can afford as schools are on a very slim budget. Sadly, the kids preferred many of the processed foods that are now eliminated and the lunch program has lost students rather than gained, hence, the dollars are even slimmer now.-COLLAPSE
Um, hold on, there, a minute: seitan actually DOES taste good! (are you kidding?! surely so...)
I think it's a bit condescending to say 'those lunches sound healthy but not tasty'... I just bet the mom who wrote in isn't sending stuff the kid *doesn't* find tasty, at home! the conflict isn't delicious-vs-nondelicious... it's about intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation, which is something that kids...+READ
Um, hold on, there, a minute: seitan actually DOES taste good! (are you kidding?! surely so...)
I think it's a bit condescending to say 'those lunches sound healthy but not tasty'... I just bet the mom who wrote in isn't sending stuff the kid *doesn't* find tasty, at home! the conflict isn't delicious-vs-nondelicious... it's about intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation, which is something that kids just have to figure out as they grow.
My advice would be to let the kid lead the way-- within the foods that your child does like, say 'what would you LIKE to take for lunch?' Put her in charge of packing it, the night before, with age-appropriate help... Take her shopping with you, & let her pick lunchy things that she feels good about, that fall within your family's healthy-eating paradigm. Use cookie-cutters to cut sandwiches, patties, tofu cutlets, grilled veggies, etc into stars or hearts or other fun shapes-- remember we're talking about appearances, here, not taste or nutrition! She's bothered by what peers think-- or MIGHT think!-- about her lunch, so make it look fun. I'm not sure the age of the kid, but if she's 8 or older consider watching some Jamie Oliver (or similar) together; most school lunches are crap, and she's smart not to eat that way... If she's old enough, introduce heroes like Jane Goodall, Rosa Parks, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, MLK-- folks who decided for themselves what was the right thing to do, regardless of prevaling societal opinion... Have you seen the Stroller Derby thread, on vegweb.com? You're not the only family dealing with these issues; reach out for support & ideas from other parents who have been there... Also maybe introduce the idea of selective verbal whitewashing: if she wants to call her quinoa patty a hamburger or call tempeh nuggets chicken nuggets, to avoid peer discussion, it's ok! I hate getting drawn into convo at lunch with coworkers, or whatever, about why I'm not eating the same crap they are... I don't whitewash, just deflect or (if they persist, tell 'em!), but if I were 6 I might want the option! Kudos for giving your kid a taste for non-crap food; at some point, everyone has to make the choice between doing the right thing and doing the expedient thing... that is part of growing up. You can be a good and valuable guide for her; but part of this issue is just that she's growing up and trying to navigate the maze of social pressures that is our cultural environment, for better or for worse... some of this stuff she just has to work through, about whether it's more important what you DO or what other people THINK of what you do. That's the core of the issue; not simply what's in the lunchbox.
I hope that's helpful somehow! (if I were the one asking, I wouldn't have found the posted advice to be much of a resource...) Good luck! :-)-COLLAPSE
It's like those parents who name their kid something outrageous or lame, and wonder why the kid is unhappy, or gets picked on. Individuality is all fine and good, once you've navigated the insecure waters of adolescence. Give the kid a break, FGS, and let her make her lunches, she sounds old enough to do so. Let her have a say in what is packed. I started doing this for my 9 y.o. and was amazed...+READ
It's like those parents who name their kid something outrageous or lame, and wonder why the kid is unhappy, or gets picked on. Individuality is all fine and good, once you've navigated the insecure waters of adolescence. Give the kid a break, FGS, and let her make her lunches, she sounds old enough to do so. Let her have a say in what is packed. I started doing this for my 9 y.o. and was amazed he didn't pick out all junk. Compromise and let her eat different things, even if you think its overprocessed crap. The stronger you feel about it the more appealing it will seem. And she is probably very healthy as it is with her diet at home, if you outlaw things, they will only haunt her when she's not on your watch. She wants to fit in with peers and this is perfectly normal. Let it happen and be relaxed about it and perhaps you will be amazed by this incredible human being you are raising.-COLLAPSE
you could also try adding some bento-box touches to her lunches too. making lunch FUN might help take the "weird" out of it, i bet!
try blogs like this: http://alphamom.com/family-fun/how-to-make-a-kids-bento-box/
Its important to strike a balance with this sort of thing. We are vegetarians & my son was mocked for his lunches at the large grade school he attended for several years. He tried the school lunches & pronounced them disgusting, for at least a year he struggled with this because he really wanted the junky lunches his peers ate. I taught him to read labels: one month the school-wide lunch...+READ
Its important to strike a balance with this sort of thing. We are vegetarians & my son was mocked for his lunches at the large grade school he attended for several years. He tried the school lunches & pronounced them disgusting, for at least a year he struggled with this because he really wanted the junky lunches his peers ate. I taught him to read labels: one month the school-wide lunch obsession was various so-called fruit roll-ups; we went to the store and spent several hours (there was an entire 1/2 aisle of the stuff!) reading the labels. He no longer wanted it, & we learned to make fruit leather (really tasty & easy). His school friends wanted it, so he could tell him how to make it. We made sure he took leftover pizza once a week so his lunch would occasionally blend in. He is still an adventurous eater (high school) and no longer really pays attention to food comments. But if we had ignored his complaints I think it would have spoiled that for him & also spoiled part of the parent-kid trust. After all, we need to help them learn to cope with the world, not just turn a deaf ear to their worries.-COLLAPSE
I think this is a perfect opportunity to build some "life skills." Guess what--those kids who taunt her for "funny lunches" will grow up into adults who taunt for the same reason. Unless she wants to eat frozen Budget meals every day at work, she's gonna have to learn how to handle snark in the lunchroom.
I agree that children need to learn to stand up for themselves, that is all well and good. Even making the food very appealing is all well and good. I come from a perspective that I should have mentioned in my previous post. I work for our area's school nutrition services. I am in the lunch room regularly. You would not believe the food that is thrown away! Kids will go hungry or eat what ever...+READ
I agree that children need to learn to stand up for themselves, that is all well and good. Even making the food very appealing is all well and good. I come from a perspective that I should have mentioned in my previous post. I work for our area's school nutrition services. I am in the lunch room regularly. You would not believe the food that is thrown away! Kids will go hungry or eat what ever snack they've been given to get by. They will beg for what they really want and other kids end up giving up their food. We try to control the begging when we witness it but kids then do it secretly. It really is important to listen to the child, they should have a voice in what they are expected to eat. OK, off my box. :)-COLLAPSE
I grew up to East Coast Jewish parents in 1970s Oklahoma. Maybe things have changed, maybe they haven't. But my friends made no bones about thinking stuff like cream cheese and green olive sandwiches were weird—the wrinkled noses and "Ewwws" were not imagined.
I complained to my mom, but since I actually liked them at the same time, probably not hard enough; in any case she didn't budge. In...+READ
I grew up to East Coast Jewish parents in 1970s Oklahoma. Maybe things have changed, maybe they haven't. But my friends made no bones about thinking stuff like cream cheese and green olive sandwiches were weird—the wrinkled noses and "Ewwws" were not imagined.
I complained to my mom, but since I actually liked them at the same time, probably not hard enough; in any case she didn't budge. In short I disagree that liking the meal and complaining about it are mutually exclusive (there's such a thing as ambivalence, you know).
Of course, the discomfort of feeling different is often part of being a child. If you're lucky, part of being a teenager is embracing that feeling, which is what I ended up doing.
Ultimately, what seems to be missing is asking the kid first whether she likes the food yet is merely embarrassed by it. Helena's assuming that she doesn't, but nothing in the letter says as much. In fact, the first sentence suggests the opposite. If the problem is merely a social one, then the lunches don't need to change; a discussion about peer pressure is in order instead.-COLLAPSE
Here are some sites to inspire your creativity for making these fun lunches:
http://mymealbox.com/bento/monkey-burger-bento
http://www.zuzafun.com/kids-food
http://freshpics.blogspot.com/2008/12/creative-meals-for-kids.html
http://myfavouritefoods.com/2006/09/
Here are some sites to inspire your creativity for making these fun lunches:
www.funkylunch.com/gallery.htm
I say ignore the kids. Half the world is always going to mock you for doing the right thing. Most kids eat garbage...processed foods...and they like it. You're lucky that your kid likes nutritious food. Some kids, you have to force them just to touch the stuff. And if she does it now, she'll carry the good habit with her into adulthood. Because of this food, she'll be healthy while the rest of...+READ
I say ignore the kids. Half the world is always going to mock you for doing the right thing. Most kids eat garbage...processed foods...and they like it. You're lucky that your kid likes nutritious food. Some kids, you have to force them just to touch the stuff. And if she does it now, she'll carry the good habit with her into adulthood. Because of this food, she'll be healthy while the rest of the world contracts diseases and cancers due to nutrition-depleted foods. (Just don't do soy. Soy is pushed as a "health food" but it is the contrary. It produces too much estrogen in the body which can develop into cancer. Giving a baby soy formula is like the equivalent of giving it 5 birth control pills a day).
Encourage your child not to always conform to the rest of the world...it's something we all realize a little too late in life. But to help make her feel a little better, I agree with Eatongal...make her lunches esthetically pleasing to the eye. Make them fun with decoration. The other kids will be too preoccupied with how neat everything looks rather than care what it's made of. And who knows...maybe soon her lunches will be envied rather than mocked.-COLLAPSE
A lot of kids would rather starve than eat what they don't want or are embarrassed by. I would have an honest conversation and find out if all these healthy foods being sent are actually being eaten. If not, I would find out what in each food group that my child wants to eat and tailor the lunches accordingly with healthful alternatives (as said above). Kids eventually rebel against rules that...+READ
A lot of kids would rather starve than eat what they don't want or are embarrassed by. I would have an honest conversation and find out if all these healthy foods being sent are actually being eaten. If not, I would find out what in each food group that my child wants to eat and tailor the lunches accordingly with healthful alternatives (as said above). Kids eventually rebel against rules that parents set that may be too rigid. Compromising could prevent behaviors like sneaking foods they want/hiding it for later or a food disorder.-COLLAPSE
1) you aren't going to scar her for life by what you pack in her lunch.
2) it wouldn't kill you to find things closer to 'normal' but still healthy.
3) Helena is probably right, its probably as much about her wanting to fit in as much as it is about the kids teasing her. no doubt she is hyper sensitive on the subject, but that doesn't make it any less real to her. a happy compromise is probably...+READ
1) you aren't going to scar her for life by what you pack in her lunch.
2) it wouldn't kill you to find things closer to 'normal' but still healthy.
3) Helena is probably right, its probably as much about her wanting to fit in as much as it is about the kids teasing her. no doubt she is hyper sensitive on the subject, but that doesn't make it any less real to her. a happy compromise is probably the best answer.-COLLAPSE
What about adding a bit of "cute" to your daughter's lunch? You probably don't have the time to do a full out bento style lunch but you could probably pack one cute bento style snack each lunch. Check out http://www.cookingcute.com/. Something as simple as cutting that patty you mentioned into flower shapes with a cookie cutter before tossing them in the lunch pail could make it much more...+READ
What about adding a bit of "cute" to your daughter's lunch? You probably don't have the time to do a full out bento style lunch but you could probably pack one cute bento style snack each lunch. Check out http://www.cookingcute.com/. Something as simple as cutting that patty you mentioned into flower shapes with a cookie cutter before tossing them in the lunch pail could make it much more appealing and "cool". Good luck!-COLLAPSE
In my daughter's class, home packed lunches are are usually exchanged and shared and they look forward to it and usually gave a lot of interesting feedback.
I used to pack my own lunches with "weird" things that my friends would be very intrigued by. But since I made it myself I was proud instead of embarrassed. Maybe getting your daughter to be more involved in her lunch making would give her more confidence. Also packing it in a super cute bento style lunch box may help her feel better about her lunch.
How about just asking her what she is comfortable with? I find that the more kids are involved in the prep of their food the more they "like" it.
I had just the opposite experience. By the way, tempeh, turnips, seitan, seaweed, rice cakes--these are not just 'hardcore' Western health foods--they've been staples of Asian and South Asian diets for centuries, and even millenia, obviously. I find some assumptions in the response a little offensive ('Your daughter's food sounds ultrahealthy, but—forgive me—not so delicious. I'm a pretty...+READ
I had just the opposite experience. By the way, tempeh, turnips, seitan, seaweed, rice cakes--these are not just 'hardcore' Western health foods--they've been staples of Asian and South Asian diets for centuries, and even millenia, obviously. I find some assumptions in the response a little offensive ('Your daughter's food sounds ultrahealthy, but—forgive me—not so delicious. I'm a pretty hard-core vegetarian, and even I would not be excited to find tempeh or turnips in my lunch'; 'Seitan doesn't taste good,' etc). From elementary to high school, I had rice balls, beef and turnip stews, marinaded kombu, stir-fried seitan, and a myriad of other 'ethnic' foods for lunch daily, and instead of a juicebox or can of Coke, I usually brought a thermos of fresh-squeezed juice (cheaper, too). Not only did no one make fun of me, kids were wanting to know what I brought that day, because 'it smelled so good,' and often they wanted to trade their PBJs with me. This was in a small Texas town, too, 20 years ago.-COLLAPSE
That smell is why I can't stand PBJs. I definitely had the "weird" food, which was leftovers of what I'd had the night before. I wasn't directly teased but it meant there was never space at the lunch table for the kid who had nothing "interesting" to trade.
I feel for you and your daughter, healthy mom. You didn't say what grade she is in, but elementary school, in my experience, is all about conformity. I don't think there are any easy answers here, but your kid is lucky to have such a caring mom. It's too bad some of these columns don't run updates, would love to hear about how you solved this problem.
This alleged mom and daughter remind me of the paitient who told the doctor that his arm hurt when he flapped it, and the doctor said, "Well, stop flapping it." If it bothers the girl and the mom so much to pack off-beat stuff for lunch - THEN STOP DOING IT. There are plenty of "normal" foods that are perfectly healthy. Pack those.
I remember feeling very conspicuous about being the only kid in my grade who had a hot lunch packed in a thermos every day. My classmates had sandwiches, juice boxes and those packaged crackers with the spreadable cheese. I never envied their lunches but I certainly didn't want mine, especially since the adult-sized portions took so long to eat. I was also a picky eater - glad I grew out of that...+READ
I remember feeling very conspicuous about being the only kid in my grade who had a hot lunch packed in a thermos every day. My classmates had sandwiches, juice boxes and those packaged crackers with the spreadable cheese. I never envied their lunches but I certainly didn't want mine, especially since the adult-sized portions took so long to eat. I was also a picky eater - glad I grew out of that one! :)-COLLAPSE
Ah, yes, the smell of lunch stewing in lockers on a damp yet overheated winter's day. The scent of warm salami brings back my Cleveland childhood.