Meat-eaters beware: "Professional agitators" have "consolidated political power" into a "vegan behemoth" that "pays a huge staff to harass businesses." The end goal of this sinister cabal: "They want every steakhouse and barbeque joint to serve only tofu — or go out of business."
At this point, you're probably curious about the secretive, powerful group in question. Richard Berman, writing in the Nation's Restaurant News, isn't afraid to stand up to the shadowy conspiracy that calls itself (wait for it) the Humane Society of the United States (article available online to subscribers only).
In a column reminiscent of Reefer Madness and the greatest hits of Senator Joe McCarthy, Berman—a professional lobbyist whose clients (according to 60 Minutes) include Coca-Cola, Tyson Foods, and Outback Steakhouse—paints the Humane Society as a destructive Goliath in terms so cartoonish that the piece reads, to anyone vaguely informed about just about anything, as parody.
Berman wraps up his column by characterizing the Humane Society's staffers, who champion issues including shutting down puppy mills, preventing animal cruelty and fighting, and limiting factory farming, as "terrorists."
Surely not, you might think. Here's the quote: "Remember that when HSUS’s 'corporate outreach' director shows up in your lobby or drops you a polite e-mail. Your response should be no response at all. Nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada. Surely you’ve heard the wisdom that one should never negotiate with terrorists."
The column's worth a read for a couple of reasons. First, enjoy the spectacle of a man paid huge fees by multibillion-dollar agribusinesses enthusiastically beating on a nonprofit organization concerned with keeping otherwise voiceless animals from experiencing more pain than is absolutely necessary. Second, keep in mind that there are people out there who read this stuff and nod sagely, happy to be kept in the loop on the latest far-Left conspiracy that threatens the American Way.
Oh, and have a great Lent! But remember: If you skip meat, then the terrorists have won.