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Ruth Bourdain is a fictional mash-up of Ruth Reichl and Anthony Bourdain.
Dear RuBo,
I've read a lot of stories in the past year about fancy ice, and about how you're not supposed to use ice cubes from trays anymore for your cocktails. I'm throwing a holiday party and want it to be nice. Do you think I should go out and get special ice, or what?
—Cold Feet
Dear Cold Feet,
If you have the time and airfare, yes, you should by all means fly to Alaska and chip away at a glacier to procure ice for your cocktail party. That's what glaciers are fucking there for, right? And they're melting anyway, so I say go fill your ice bucket while you still can. Just be careful to avoid a certain crazy lady with an up-do, a rifle, and a screw loose.
On the other hand, if you can't afford the trip, there is absolutely nothing wrong with using homemade ice cubes made from regular tap water. In fact, the benefits of homemade ice are seriously underappreciated.
Homemade ice comes "preinfused" with so many amazing flavors right there in your own freezer. Those snails you brought back from Liberia? Check. That old hunk of camel loin you smuggled home from Saudi Arabia? Yessirree. Half-eaten box of frozen waffles? Why not. Ostrich giblets? Now you're talkin'. Octopus ’nads? Fuck yeah! Wow. I'm getting thirsty and hungry as I write this.
The longer the ice has been in the freezer, the better it will have absorbed all those odors, er, flavors. You'll mix the meatiest Mojito on the block.
Dear RuBo,
I like to serve mulled wine at my annual holiday party, but the ladle always falls down inside the serving container, and then somebody has to stick their hand inside to get it. Do you have a solution to prevent this situation?
—Sticky Hands
Dear Sticky Hands,
You've obviously never played the game Drop the Ladle. Without getting into too many tawdry details (not sure if this is a children's site), let's just call it a grown-up variation on Spin the Bottle. It's fucking fantastic, unless you don't want to have casual sex at your holiday party.
If you are going to insist on being a fucking prude, however, an obvious solution is to dispense with the ladle altogether and let your guests lap up the wine directly from the rim of the bowl.
Dear RuBo,
Is there a polite way to eat Mexican wedding cookies or other powdered-sugar-coated holiday treats without getting the sugar all over your nice holiday outfit?
—Dusty
Dear Dusty,
There are a couple of different but effective techniques. One tried-and-true method is known in the hospitality industry as The Slingshot. All you need is a rubber band and a willing accomplice. Ask said accomplice to strap one end of the rubber band to the cookie and pull it taut, then you open wide, signal for release, and prepare for a sweet, clean, buttery shot right at the uvula (also known as the backboard). It will hurt a little, but you'll stay sugar-free.
Another option is to consult your local cocaine abuser. He or she will undoubtedly be able to share with you a number of tools—from coke spoons to straws—that you can repurpose to snort off all the loose powdered sugar from the surface of the treat before it has a chance to spoil your holiday outfit. Happy holidays!
Got an etiquette dilemma for RuBo? Email ruth.bourdain@chow.com.
I dice my ice with rice, nicely spliced spices and, if my guests are pests, lice.
rworange, if you do return thank you for taking time to clarify your points.
HillJ
Not trying to be snarky in the least. However, just suggesting that like a child who acts up for attention, if you give it attention, the problem doesn't go away.
It is is equivalent of what is often said on Chowhound ... don't feed the troll.
I would not be here reading this ... adding to the clicks so it looks like people are interested ... if there had not been the blink link on...+READ
HillJ
Not trying to be snarky in the least. However, just suggesting that like a child who acts up for attention, if you give it attention, the problem doesn't go away.
It is is equivalent of what is often said on Chowhound ... don't feed the troll.
I would not be here reading this ... adding to the clicks so it looks like people are interested ... if there had not been the blink link on Site Talk.
Also, I believe this type of comment belongs at the source rather than Site Talk which is ONE of the reasons I did not post there.
Chow had some sort of James Beard nomination or win or something. I wonder how impressed they will be with Chow with this type of column that does nothing to contribute to the food universe.
On Site Talk someone said so what if it offends some regulars and they leave. The new people who are attracted will take their place. I question that. Are the people who come to read this stuff the type of people who are interested in contributing restaurant or food info or just looking for a cheap laugh. I'd be interested to see how many of the newbies, if any, contribute anything ... and that is what makes the site valuable and generates traffic ... useful tips about restaurants and food.
It seems to me the difference in approach. Chowhound sought people with smart info about food and did it in a fun way. Chow advertises itself as appealing to 'primitive cooks' and with the RuBo column seems to be reaching out to the primitive reader. And in one way, RuBo seems aimed at making fun of the people who are interested in food, but maybe I'm reading too much into it.
Anyway, I won't be contributing any more of my personal traffic to this or any of RuBo's threads, so won't be checking back here. If you want to discuss it offline, my email is in my profile. Again, no snark was intended at you.-COLLAPSE
rworange, I'll respect your opinions and suggestions, and you can respect mine. Geez. Was your point to improve upon suggestions discussed on the Site Board or to just be snarky?
For all the people who object to RuBo, don't click on it. The controversy is exactly the point of RuBo. If no one reads it, it will go away.
Also, stop providing links on the Chowhound part of the site, especially blind links with no explanation that the link leads here. All you are doing is increasing traffic to this feature.
As for me, I really like shock jocks, edgy commedians and...+READ
For all the people who object to RuBo, don't click on it. The controversy is exactly the point of RuBo. If no one reads it, it will go away.
Also, stop providing links on the Chowhound part of the site, especially blind links with no explanation that the link leads here. All you are doing is increasing traffic to this feature.
As for me, I really like shock jocks, edgy commedians and intelligent adult humor. This isn't it. It takes real skill to be in the league of the group that reaches from Howard Stern back to Lenny Bruce.
Some of the real Bourdin I enjoy because there is a point. He is trying to teach someone something. I can't take some of it because it can be mean spirited.
However, in all the rhetoric of this column, it doesn't even answer the made up questions. I have better things to spend a few moment of my life on rather than vacuous humor for the sake of controversy.
Much better would be having a column by the "Cooking for Assholes" blogger.
http://cookingforassholes.blogspot.com/
The humor is adult and on the edge but you actually learn something. Perhaps RuBo should study that for an example of how to use adult language effectively-COLLAPSE
Hey, I'll have you know I drive a 2002 Uvula and I say those Swedes know how to make a damn fine car that can take a sweet, clean buttery shot and keep running strong!
Go, go, go, elite Chow.com moderators! Make heavy use of that comment delete button in the comments section of the article that drops the fucking f-word every other fucking word. Moderation for the win!
I guess this is the humor of the 4Loko generation. Effing dumb.
I don't really *mean* it. I'm just showing the obviously sarcastic hyperbole that is being employed in the article. I don't mind that you don't find it funny, humour is awfully subjective. However, the complaints, (as evidenced in the "Craptails" article as well) give us the impression that some of you don't get that this is just a light-hearted humour article.
To put it another way, saying...+READ
I don't really *mean* it. I'm just showing the obviously sarcastic hyperbole that is being employed in the article. I don't mind that you don't find it funny, humour is awfully subjective. However, the complaints, (as evidenced in the "Craptails" article as well) give us the impression that some of you don't get that this is just a light-hearted humour article.
To put it another way, saying "Ehh, not funny" is okay. Meanwhile, getting upset that the article appears to be giving legitimate advice is simply silly. We know the advice is fake, and caustic on purpose, same with we know the "craptails" were made up, tongue-in-cheek responses to our perception at bad cocktails.
Even if these articles weren't the most funny, to complain about them in that way, as I see it, just lessens the chance for any levity in future articles as well.-COLLAPSE
Aramek: I sincerely doubt a correlation between a dislike of this column and social standing. I do, however, suspect a correlation between making unsubstantiated blanket claims and being a complete jackass.
Pull the plug on this now.
Aramek, your comment beautifully illustrates the new attitude we can all expect on CHOW when snark is employed but only acceptable one way. RuBo tells their readers to f-off but we're not suppose to state our reaction to it. Good luck w/that perspective...
Attention everyone who is complaining: You know how, in every group of friends there is the one person that all of them dislike, yet, they keep them around just to feel better about themselves? You're that person. At every social gathering you attend, you're the reason people leave early.
NOT FUNNY.
Neither funny nor informative.
I hope this did not replace the previous advice column. This insults Anthony Bourdain and simply is NOT FUNNY.
I think it's hilarious, but then I was following @RuBo on Twitter already. And, what LaPomme said.
After 2 F-bombs I stopped reading. Just not amusing.
Hey, why was my comment removed? I dont think it was rude or something.
I have enjoyed many hearty guffaws. I am beginning to believe that many readers do not understand that it is all meant in jest, and that the parrot was dead all along.
i'm sorry but that picture scares the hell out of me. It haunts my dreams!!!
The advice column writer might be using a fictional character/name, but the individual giving the advice is real. With their own brand of advice giving. Combining two popular food writers names into a catchy mashup is all well and good...but the person writing this column is still responsible for the advice given. Snarky humor dressed as advice. What a lark. (sic)
Rock on RuBo. I especially liked the powdered sugar advice.
But it's an advice column from a "fictional mash-up." I'm pretty sure this deserves its own category of column. Nominations are now being accepted.
By me, not necessarily by Chow.
CareBearNJ this is an advice column. ASK RuBo.
I don't consider myself hip but I do enjoy this humor column. Humor column. Not actual advice column. If you don't find it funny, please just discontinue to read it and certainly don't try to take any of the "advice" seriously.
I think we're proving that Chow readers are plenty snarky. It's a wonder RuBo seems so unpopular.
This continues to fascinate me. What actual advice on manners are we suppose to take away from RuBo? That a snarky response works? Ah! holiday manners at their finest. Perhaps what CHOW should consider is a column devoted to food comedy. Then RuBo would have a proper audience with the appropriate expectation. As a manners expert, I'm just not getting it.
I'm surprised by the number of people who are apparently not hip enough to understand the RuBo schtick, who click into the article, proceed to read it, and then spend time typing up a comment demonstrating that they don't understand the humor of the piece. *Spoiler Alert*: Neither Anthony Bourdain nor Ruth Reichl write this column. The character is known as a mash-up. If you don't know what that...+READ
I'm surprised by the number of people who are apparently not hip enough to understand the RuBo schtick, who click into the article, proceed to read it, and then spend time typing up a comment demonstrating that they don't understand the humor of the piece. *Spoiler Alert*: Neither Anthony Bourdain nor Ruth Reichl write this column. The character is known as a mash-up. If you don't know what that means, move on to the article about candy canes.-COLLAPSE
Seriously. Why do so many people find "RuBo" so funny? I'm one of the many who just doesn't get the hype.
You have got to be kidding.
this is great advice, I am going to tell my guests that the funky tasting homemade ice in my freezer is "preinfused".
The only funny thing on this page was NicoleFriedman's comment. This has me missing Helena.
what a waste of ions
I think I have a great sense of humor- hell I've done standup! This column reminds me of Bob Saget- all cursing, no funny. I doubt Anthony Bourdain has anything to do with this; he HAS a sense of humor.
"pull it taut, then you open wide, signal for release, and prepare for a sweet, clean, buttery shot right at the uvula"
Wow, what a great way to keep that white stuff off one's clothes . . .