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Dear Helena,
The other night, the waiter put his hand on my shoulder when he was placing the check on the table. This isn't the first time this has happened. I am in my late 50s, so maybe I'm being a fuddy-duddy, but I feel that such physical contact is inappropriate, and unnecessary. Am I right?
—Respect My Space
Dear Respect My Space,
Several studies have found that touching customers increases tips, which may be why your waiter did it. For instance, in this 1998 study, touching the customer on the shoulder when presenting the check increased tips from an average of 11.5 percent to nearly 15 percent. So, although touching the customer is discouraged at fine-dining establishments, more casual restaurants sometimes explicitly train their servers to do it. David Hayden, who has worked as a server for 15 years, says that he was coached to do so when he worked at a branch of Tony Roma's, the barbecue chain.
Why do many customers reward servers for an arm-clasp or shoulder-pat? It's not because they think they're being flirted with, says Michael Lynn, a professor at the Cornell University School of Hotel Administration who studies tipping; research has shown that the gender of the server makes no difference. Lynn explains: "Touch communicates confidence, and also that the server likes the customer. We tip confident, assertive people who believe in themselves, and we tip people who like us." In other words, deep down we're all so desperate to be liked, we'll throw money at anyone who shows us a sign of affection.
Touching diners may be more acceptable in some parts of the country than in others. I've seen the server actually hug customers at the hippie raw-food restaurant Café Gratitude in Berkeley, California.
But this doesn't mean that touching customers is common practice in the restaurant industry, nor should it be. Like you, some customers are turned off by the invasion of personal space. "I touched one guest along the shoulder blade, and there was an immediate recoil; it created a real awkwardness for the rest of the meal," says Hayden.
Because of the possibility that personal contact could backfire so hideously, I don't think it's OK for waitstaff to touch diners. The only possible exception is in circumstances where the relationship between server and patron becomes something more informal for some reason. As Brooke Burton, a food writer and former server in Los Angeles, says, it's OK to do "if the person is in the moment and is doing it as a human connecting to another human." For instance, she says, "If the guest is at the bar and I'm standing close to them and we're joking, I might touch their shoulder." In such situations, it's a pretty safe bet that a shoulder-pat won't give offense. But no server should touch every customer as part of a tip-boosting routine.
I dislike touching customers when serving, since, for hygiene reasons, that mean I have to immediately go wash my hands. Same with handling money - immediate hand-washing. =)
In regards to the comment below about the experience at Senor Frogs in Mexico - it was Mexico - in a culture that has a totally different definition of
"personal space". I wouldn't have liked it either, but it may have...+READ
I dislike touching customers when serving, since, for hygiene reasons, that mean I have to immediately go wash my hands. Same with handling money - immediate hand-washing. =)
In regards to the comment below about the experience at Senor Frogs in Mexico - it was Mexico - in a culture that has a totally different definition of
"personal space". I wouldn't have liked it either, but it may have been mostly a culture clash. =)-COLLAPSE
I think if a swerver touches someone to get their attention is fine but they shouldnt just touch people.
Touchy-feely servers blow their tip. On one of my trips to Mexico, I was assured by friends that "Senor Frog" was a good, friendly venue to enjoy a quiet lunch....Perhaps it was at some other time in history, but the server was the most annoying young man... He consistently put his hands on mty shoulder, leaned against me, in spite of my request for him to give me my spoace. My three friends were...+READ
Touchy-feely servers blow their tip. On one of my trips to Mexico, I was assured by friends that "Senor Frog" was a good, friendly venue to enjoy a quiet lunch....Perhaps it was at some other time in history, but the server was the most annoying young man... He consistently put his hands on mty shoulder, leaned against me, in spite of my request for him to give me my spoace. My three friends were equally annoying because they did not discourage the young man....
YThis was totally inappropriate... Not only was he not tipped.. but I cancelled my order and waited for my friends outside of the restaurant.... The server was a jerk, and my three friends bigger jerks for encouraging and allowing the server to show his boorishness.....-COLLAPSE
Wow. Never go to a restaurant in the Deep South, then. Fine dining or otherwise. "Friendliness" such is this is quite a common trait in us "well-raised" Southern Folk. LOL
I think a poll would be interesting to see how this is tolerated, depending upon geography. Could prove interesting. (Or perhaps not!)
As a server, I am uncomfortable with my guests touching me, so why in the hell would I touch them? In the rare case that I may be acquainted with a particular person from another walk of life I am okay with it, although it should still be within decorum (nobody wants to see you making out at the table).
At it's most simple, my job is to make total strangers comfortable with food and drinks.
The older generations remember when there was a clear line of distinction between which side of the cash register you are on and expectations were quite different. When I worked as a server I treated customers like I was their personal discreet servant, a nameless, egoless person their to serve their needs and had none of my own. It was an extravagant fantasy created for their dining experience....+READ
The older generations remember when there was a clear line of distinction between which side of the cash register you are on and expectations were quite different. When I worked as a server I treated customers like I was their personal discreet servant, a nameless, egoless person their to serve their needs and had none of my own. It was an extravagant fantasy created for their dining experience. I had to remember always that it was one for which they were paying. When I went out to eat myself after work, I paid for and received that same experience and it felt like luxury. People today seem to not want to work in the way we did in the past. I have had wait staff sit down at the table with my husband and me and say how tired they were! Work and customer service work especially is about playing a role because we get paid to do it. No one slaps down their hard-earned paycheck to hear about some stranger's problems or to experience the touch of their hand invading their space and crossing the servant-patron line unless that server is invited, whether by body language, or oral communication. I think that if the customer is observing "distancing from the server" behavior it is in poor form for the server to cross that line and become personal. However, if the customer invites personal and informal decorum, it's appropriate to a point to be read by the customer's communication. Customer service is really about servicing the customer's needs, not accommodating the employee, their boss, or the establishment. Younger people don't seem to have that sense of "work behavior" vs "out with my friends" behavior. Customer service is best when the ego of the employee vanishes to the point that the customer suspends reality long enough to imagine the server truly loves waiting on them. I have been in so much customer service that when I pay for a night out, I want to get back the kind of service I have to suck it up to give all day long. I want the fantasy too. I earned the chance to get my turn on the other side of the table!-COLLAPSE
There's a lot of people here putting down those that don't like to be touched because they do-- or at least don't mind.
Gloworm writes, "People should be able to shrug off such trivial slights without a lot of distress."
As for me, I feel that people should be understanding of the boundaries of others without challenging or belittling them.
Doesn't really bother me all that much, a hug maybe would be weird. I come from a culture where complete strangers refer to you as "my love" or "my ducky", sweetheart or darling...so maybe i'm just a little used to it.
Hysaw,
waiters try to get near the ear of the older set because many of them have trouble hearing and it is so much nicer than having to shout. I don't just love being touched by people I don't know, but for heavens sake its not like they are trying to cop a feel. For that kind of attention I have to go to the airport.
hands off. It's as transparent and calculated as the great big smile when the check is presented (although the rest of the service was mediocre).
If an incidental touch or a fleeting touch on my shoulder caused me a lot of distress, I hope I would focus more on whatever personal issues I might have that would cause such a disproportionate reaction to a trivial encounter. Inappropriate, perhaps, but if a minor touch ruined my evening then I would better off looking inward for an answer rather than focusing on the waitstaff. People should be...+READ
If an incidental touch or a fleeting touch on my shoulder caused me a lot of distress, I hope I would focus more on whatever personal issues I might have that would cause such a disproportionate reaction to a trivial encounter. Inappropriate, perhaps, but if a minor touch ruined my evening then I would better off looking inward for an answer rather than focusing on the waitstaff. People should be able to shrug off such trivial slights without a lot of distress.
(Not that I haven't fumed over trivial matters before but ultimately it is to my benefit to realize that I'm being ridiculous.)-COLLAPSE
Have you ever zigged when you should have zagged? I remember when I used to serve tables- sometimes I may put my hand on a person to "let them know I am there". Maybe we could take the point of view of the server- I havent waited tables in a long time but I remember how hard it is. The other point might be that servers are social people that is why they have that job and they may really enjoy...+READ
Have you ever zigged when you should have zagged? I remember when I used to serve tables- sometimes I may put my hand on a person to "let them know I am there". Maybe we could take the point of view of the server- I havent waited tables in a long time but I remember how hard it is. The other point might be that servers are social people that is why they have that job and they may really enjoy people may not know its offensive to you to be touched by them. When I read how people feel I wonder how many things I do that offend people in my everyday life- you just never know what bugs people. I guess the solution is to tell people if something bugs you so they dont do it or be accepting and let it go? I AM OFFENDED when a waitress flirts with my husband and ignores me- guaranteed her tip will be less when we leave.-COLLAPSE
Well, since touching perfect strangers in all stages of undress is a routine part of my job (healthcare...get your mind out of the gutter), I just don't see what the big deal is. As long as the person isn't mauling me or doesn't have gravy on their hands, it doesn't bother me.
Call me crazy, or any variant thereof, but I do NOT like being touched by complete strangers. Nor would I presume to touch someone I do not know, unless it is through a handshake accompanying an introduction. (And I don't believe a dining experience is a social transaction in which a handshake is required, or even appropriate.) Under other circumstances and with friends and family, I truly enjoy...+READ
Call me crazy, or any variant thereof, but I do NOT like being touched by complete strangers. Nor would I presume to touch someone I do not know, unless it is through a handshake accompanying an introduction. (And I don't believe a dining experience is a social transaction in which a handshake is required, or even appropriate.) Under other circumstances and with friends and family, I truly enjoy physical contact--were you to ask my teenage children and stepchildren, they would tell you I'm a little TOO touchy-feely, especially in public......-COLLAPSE
Yeah, I have to agree that the touchy-feely server thing really gets under my skin. I'm a hugger with people I know, a little handsy, and not weird about human contact, but I don't want to be physically schmoozed by a random server. I spent 20 years in retail, in an industry that caters to women, and developed relationships with many customers, but never would have resorted to inveding their...+READ
Yeah, I have to agree that the touchy-feely server thing really gets under my skin. I'm a hugger with people I know, a little handsy, and not weird about human contact, but I don't want to be physically schmoozed by a random server. I spent 20 years in retail, in an industry that caters to women, and developed relationships with many customers, but never would have resorted to inveding their personal space to increase my sales. My favorites (sarcasm intended) are the servers who actually sit down at an empty seat at the table to take the order -- jeez, if you thought that was increasing your tip, surprise, surprise...-COLLAPSE
So go to McDonalds! OOPS!, forget that....they might accidently touch your hand as the cashier returns your change. Could be that staying home is best for you.
I think the point you guy are failing to realize is the way you view being touched.
You view any simple touch as something more than it is. You see it someone trying to be your friend, trying to hit on you, or some tactic to garner more tips.
Why can you not just see it how it is, a moment of contact in a human interaction. Nothing more. No need to fear it.
And to the person who said it is...+READ
I think the point you guy are failing to realize is the way you view being touched.
You view any simple touch as something more than it is. You see it someone trying to be your friend, trying to hit on you, or some tactic to garner more tips.
Why can you not just see it how it is, a moment of contact in a human interaction. Nothing more. No need to fear it.
And to the person who said it is childish to post in disagreement. I believe this is a discussion and comment board. Seems childish to think you can only post if you share one persons viewpoint. If you would like that, the internet is not for you.-COLLAPSE
I strongly dislike the 'server is your friend' attitude that is widely prevelant now. I want someone who knows the product they're selling and who is available and polite. I do not want to be flirted with, grabbed hold of, or have to pretend to make friends. I only want to be served.
People who are into the 'server is my buddy' dynamic will make their own overtures and are easy to capitalise...+READ
I strongly dislike the 'server is your friend' attitude that is widely prevelant now. I want someone who knows the product they're selling and who is available and polite. I do not want to be flirted with, grabbed hold of, or have to pretend to make friends. I only want to be served.
People who are into the 'server is my buddy' dynamic will make their own overtures and are easy to capitalise on. I wish they'd (servers) would quit trolling all of us! I have actually had to ask a male server to please just wait on us (two women) instead of trying to engage us in conversation and flirt. WE are dining together, not YOU! It was very embarrasing, but what was the option? Why do we have to endure an hour of jokes and company forced on us?
After reading the other posts I'd also like to say that if this topic is trivial to you, then read something else. What is the point of reading and posting on something you could care less about only to criticize those to whom it matters?? Merely to feel superior? You look rather childish.-COLLAPSE
i relish the fact that there is so much contention over such a trivial, pedestrian subject.
option 1: you tolerate touching by servers
option 2: you do not tolerate touching by servers
simple, no?
I go to a restaurant for good food, good service and am not there to make friends with the waitstaff. I am polite and respectful and I expect them to show me the same.
Hysaw: I think you are far more difficult to please than you imagine. You think what you want is quite simple, but to me it sounds like you don't want so many things that figuring out what is left and what you do want would be difficult.
Honestly, people here seem a little uptight. I don't particularly like being touched by strangers, and I've rarely had a waiter touch me, but if they do, it's...+READ
Hysaw: I think you are far more difficult to please than you imagine. You think what you want is quite simple, but to me it sounds like you don't want so many things that figuring out what is left and what you do want would be difficult.
Honestly, people here seem a little uptight. I don't particularly like being touched by strangers, and I've rarely had a waiter touch me, but if they do, it's really not the end of the world.-COLLAPSE
This discussion hit a nerve....I do not go to any restaurant to make new friends among the wait staff! I do not want to be touched by my waiter, and I also do not appreciate being addressed as "guys." (my friends and I are all over 60.) In addition I do not want the waiters to kneel down by the table which a number do nowdays. Just want them to be polite and serve my food in a timely manner and I...+READ
This discussion hit a nerve....I do not go to any restaurant to make new friends among the wait staff! I do not want to be touched by my waiter, and I also do not appreciate being addressed as "guys." (my friends and I are all over 60.) In addition I do not want the waiters to kneel down by the table which a number do nowdays. Just want them to be polite and serve my food in a timely manner and I will reward them with a good tip.-COLLAPSE
Sure, I can change my tip to 15% if they touch my shoulder. I normally tip 20%. Perhaps this attitude is indeed American, but hey--I am an American. We do have larger "personal spaces" than other cultures. I don't mean that in a snooty or rude way; it's just a reality for many of us. My advice to a server: When in doubt, hands off. I want good service when I dine out, not a new friend or personal...+READ
Sure, I can change my tip to 15% if they touch my shoulder. I normally tip 20%. Perhaps this attitude is indeed American, but hey--I am an American. We do have larger "personal spaces" than other cultures. I don't mean that in a snooty or rude way; it's just a reality for many of us. My advice to a server: When in doubt, hands off. I want good service when I dine out, not a new friend or personal relationship.-COLLAPSE
I'd be willing to bet this "Don't touch me" attitude is limited mostly to North America, with it more focused in America.
I know for myself being a Canadian, I wouldn't be offended if someone touched my shoulder.
Not sure why Americans are always so afraid of human interaction.
I was at a bakery the other day and needed help with something; the baker came out from behind the counter to show me what I was looking for and in the process gave me a shoulder squeeze and a back pat, not just a fleeting touch but lasting like 5 seconds or so. Naturally thought of this thread. Except for being kind of embarrassed about my own etiquette—was I supposed to clap her shoulder...+READ
I was at a bakery the other day and needed help with something; the baker came out from behind the counter to show me what I was looking for and in the process gave me a shoulder squeeze and a back pat, not just a fleeting touch but lasting like 5 seconds or so. Naturally thought of this thread. Except for being kind of embarrassed about my own etiquette—was I supposed to clap her shoulder back?—I was charmed, because it was clearly very natural to her...she was gregarious and affectionate with everybody.
If someone briefly touched me in a more formal setting, in a way that seemed calculated somehow (e.g. for a tip), I'd probably wonder about it for 3 seconds, but it wouldn't ultimately affect the tip one way or the other. I can't imagine penalizing a server for touching my shoulder, whatever his/her motives, as though I'm some sort of inviolate being.
My sense of personal space has been shaped by the fact that I grew up in the US, and I try to remain aware of that. So even if I occasionally get slightly unnerved, so what? We humans have enough trouble connecting without looking for more.-COLLAPSE
Why do they think it's OK to touch me to get more money? There's a name for behaviour like that . . .
I love it when i get touched ;D
"Touching diners may be more acceptable in some parts of the country than in others. I've seen the server actually hug customers at the hippie raw-food restaurant Café Gratitude in Berkeley, California"
Very scientific Helena. Did you ever think that the server knew the customers - as in the customers might have been family members or close friends?
I hate it. Any server who touches me gets no tip at all and both the server and manager are told why.
Sorry, I hate it. Even worse than when they sit at the table to take an order-yuk.
I am one of those super-lucky (*cough*) people who gets talked to by strangers and touched by people everywhere I go. It's not like I'm ecstatic about it happening, but seriously, unless the person touching you just touched raw meat or is fixing a toilet or sneezed onto that hand a second ago, or they're touching you inappropriately, what's the problem? They touch you, then they are done touching...+READ
I am one of those super-lucky (*cough*) people who gets talked to by strangers and touched by people everywhere I go. It's not like I'm ecstatic about it happening, but seriously, unless the person touching you just touched raw meat or is fixing a toilet or sneezed onto that hand a second ago, or they're touching you inappropriately, what's the problem? They touch you, then they are done touching you and you walk away. Not a huge deal, even if you are briefly uncomfortable.-COLLAPSE
If the server is hot, she can touch me all she wants.
Honestly, if there was no ill will behind the action, and the person isnt doing it multiple times out of annoyance or spite then DEAL WITH IT. Honestly how many times have you sat through someone jabber on about nothing, or been standing by who you thought was the most annoying person on earth.. DEAL WITH IT.
But also the sword is sharp on both sides, as a server it is your job to "read your...+READ
Honestly, if there was no ill will behind the action, and the person isnt doing it multiple times out of annoyance or spite then DEAL WITH IT. Honestly how many times have you sat through someone jabber on about nothing, or been standing by who you thought was the most annoying person on earth.. DEAL WITH IT.
But also the sword is sharp on both sides, as a server it is your job to "read your customers" if you cant then you shouldn't be touching anyone.-COLLAPSE
Recently a waiter at a local restaurant gave me a firm congratulatory slap on the back for ordering the pork chop. Never went back. I don't touch you, you don't touch me, that's how I roll.
Dear America,
Please lighten up.
Your pal,
luniz
I haven't experienced the touching in an establishment that did not feature topless dancers.
In a regular restaurant I would find it amusing, but it wouldn't lead me to tip more or less.
Thanks for that link to that 1998 study! I've always wondered why I tip more when a hot waitress has her hands all over me, and now I realize I'm not alone!
Thanks, Science! ^_^