The following items are not recommended for spreading holiday joy this season:
1. Fetus-shaped cookie cutter, $10. Some things just shouldn't be reproduced in buttery sugar cookie form.
2. Discontinued antisnoring device from the '90s for food-coma snorers, $4.95. You don't need to actually look like a pig over the holidays.
3. Jingle Babe beer koozie, $7.95. Freakish-looking and not funny.
4. Beano, $3.08. Equally as insulting as giving digestive aids is giving quasilegal diet pills you buy from email spam.
5. '87 used Hot Topper off eBay, prices vary. But we do have a soft spot for the commerical's slow jam.
6. Leftover Halloween candy, $0. People will notice, especially when trying to chew through stale, hard Tootsie Rolls.
7. "Extra Strength" 5-Hour Energy drink, $5.99. Black-market Four Loko is a lot more thoughtful, no?