Spicy Roasted Chickpeas
Picnic Recipes Galore
Corner-Store Party Food on the Fly
9 Chili Recipes, Bison to Vegan
How to Choose the Best Strawberries
Sausage Recipes of the Month
I love my mother-in-law, but she cannot stay out of the kitchen when she visits. She hovers while I cook, making comments like, "Wow, that's a lot of garlic." She salts and peppers dishes without asking for my permission and even flipped scallops I was sautéing before they had browned on each side. She'll wonder aloud, "What should we have for dinner?," and will even go out and buy groceries. I know she's trying to be helpful, but our cooking styles just don't mesh. How can I make her stay out of the kitchen and stop trying to control the menu?
—Doormat Daughter-in-Law
Dear Doormat,
Some people can only find validation through feeding others. If they're not allowed in the kitchen, they feel empty and lost. So don't even bother trying to persuade your mother-in-law to relax with a glass of wine. You have to find a way to let her help.
The solution is simple: Give her a task, but a completely separate one from yours. Don't worry, you needn't actually cook together, especially since, as you pointed out, people's cooking styles often don't jibe with their mothers-in-law's.
Maybe you're a freewheeling improviser and she follows recipes to the letter. Or you might feel that cleaning as you go trammels your creativity, whereas she's a hygiene freak. This was the case with Christopher Hirsheimer, a food editor and photographer, and her mother-in-law (now deceased). "She was fastidious about having one towel to dry your hands on and another to dry your dishes on, and she once told me how she terminated a friendship when she found out the woman washed her husband's socks in the kitchen sink. I wash [my] dog in the kitchen sink." Needless to say, it was stressful for the two women to share the kitchen.
One caveat: Make sure you give your mother-in-law something substantial to do, not some demeaning sous-chef task. It won't do much for her if she just chops the onions for your famous paella. She'll want to make a genuine contribution to dinner, so ask her for a signature dish she's proud of: "As a special favor tonight, would you make that delicious green bean salad of yours?" She'll be so busy topping and tailing the beans she won't have time to peer over your shoulder and ask why you're "overcooking" the scallops.
This way, it doesn't matter if you mince garlic with abandon and she prefers only the faintest whisper of it. You each have control over your own domain, be it entrée or dessert. It's a grown-up form of parallel play. And don't feel guilty about strategizing for her visit. When I explained your dilemma to readers of The Kitchn, many identified.
Kitchn reader Squirrely's advice was to relinquish your territory altogether: "My solution was to put aside my control issues, take some long walks, and say, hey, if this woman wants to fry things in my kitchen, serve it to me, then clean it all up, fine—she's here for five days, I can manage." rep_woman prefers getting all the cooking done in advance: "I try to have whatever we are going to eat ready to go so that it either goes in the oven or onto the grill as soon as my in-laws get to our house. That way, she has less reason to hover and drive me crazy!"
Occasionally, a task of her own won't be enough to distract your relative. Maybe nothing will make her stop peering over your shoulder and muttering, "You might want to chop those onions more finely" or "Do you really need that much salt?" In that case, banishment from the kitchen may be the only option. But do it gently. You can still assuage her need to help by giving her a food-related task; just find one she can execute in another room. Hirsheimer's solution: "I'd send her into the dining room and ask her to set the table … then people would say, 'Oh, what a beautiful table,' and I could say, 'Peggy did it.' She wasn't sitting in the kitchen anymore with her arms crossed and her tongue clucking."
Every time i see my MIL coming into the kitchen, i call my husband...my husband gets it and asks his mom if she likes the new tv show or if she wants to watch our toddler.
@darklyglimmer: Your tale of the MIL who looks through EVERY cabinet rather than simply asking is an exact replica of what happens on my end. Why? Why? Why?!?! If you need something and are in my kitchen, SIMPLY ASK ME WHERE IT IS. There is no need to open and close every single drawer! I start drinking early and often when the MIL comes to town. It's the only way to get through it without...+READ
@darklyglimmer: Your tale of the MIL who looks through EVERY cabinet rather than simply asking is an exact replica of what happens on my end. Why? Why? Why?!?! If you need something and are in my kitchen, SIMPLY ASK ME WHERE IT IS. There is no need to open and close every single drawer! I start drinking early and often when the MIL comes to town. It's the only way to get through it without knifing the woman. With the $500 ceramic knife that she destroyed by pulling it out and cutting a pie with it, directly on the granite countertop. But that's another story for another time.-COLLAPSE
I think that with a mother-in law, we should want them in the kitchen to learn from. most of the men i know love their mothers cooking(the mothers that can cook). i make recipes for hubby that were how his mom used to make. I strive to cook the foods that he loves. they have alot of good kitchen tops too. i think people just get defensive when it comes to their kitchen lol
Just after we had moved into our new home, my in-laws showed up. My MIL proceeded to, unasked, completely rearrange my kitchen cabinets and drawers. "You'll like it better this way." I didn't have the guts to speak up for myself then, and regrettably I paid for it for several more years. You must speak up about your kitchen/your rules and then give MIL a specific, time consuming job. Good luck!
Ok, so this comment is not MIL specific but still in the same vein. I love to cook anything and everything. I'm a good and adventurous cook and my family has a hard time with non traditional food. That said I once made my bf's giant Christmas bonus ham for my family using a spiced ham recipe from Martha Stewart. One uncle and aunt thought it was "too weird" and proceeded to pout about it. The...+READ
Ok, so this comment is not MIL specific but still in the same vein. I love to cook anything and everything. I'm a good and adventurous cook and my family has a hard time with non traditional food. That said I once made my bf's giant Christmas bonus ham for my family using a spiced ham recipe from Martha Stewart. One uncle and aunt thought it was "too weird" and proceeded to pout about it. The next year I was all set to do the ham with just a simple baste of Ginger ale, mustard and brown sugar when I recieved a call from mom saying grandma had called and wanted to make sure I was not going to do anything "too weird" to the ham again this year. I promptly got off the phone and deposited still wrapped ham in mom's fridge and told her to have her way with it. I'm through trying to make people happy so I just don't cook for them anymore at all. I take a handfull of my favorite cookies at Christmas to share with the three family members with good taste and voilà I'm no longer offended!-COLLAPSE
I would just make a rule that NO ONE is allowed in the kitchen while I'm cooking. If you MIL tries to do something just remind her of your rule. If necessary make a deal. You won't "help" her when she's cooking in her house and she won't "help" you cook in your house. It might be difficult to do this but in the long run it will make things better.
I am so blessed...My M-I-L is awesome...she will give tips if I ask but does not give them in my kitchen. She makes great gravy, but said "you make this year"...That's why I married him!!!
Whoa! If the MIL gets on your nerves, consult your intermediary (husband). Let him take her someplace to see/do/criticize/question something. It's his responsibility to keep her amused. If they are not close, or have nothing much in common, then the MIL should stay home. Forget giving her a job. Give your husband a job instead. Go amuse momma.
My mother in law can't stand cooking and would be the first one to suggest we go to a restaurant rather than trouble me to cook. So, she's quite content to arrive just as the dinner is coming out of the oven. When I attend gatherings at her home she has called a caterer or my sil's & I prepare the entire menu btwn us. No meddling here.
I love the direct approach. It's not easy sometimes, but I believe it really is the best way to handle such things.
My MIL is a mediocre cook, but I don't care about that. What bugs me is that she comes in, picks up everything from the flour canister to the telephone, wipes it down with the same sponge, and puts it down again two feet away from where she got it -- and then returns the sponge to the sink, as if she expects me to actually wash DISHES with it after it's been all over the jar where we keep our...+READ
My MIL is a mediocre cook, but I don't care about that. What bugs me is that she comes in, picks up everything from the flour canister to the telephone, wipes it down with the same sponge, and puts it down again two feet away from where she got it -- and then returns the sponge to the sink, as if she expects me to actually wash DISHES with it after it's been all over the jar where we keep our loose change. She also decides that my carefully hoarded bacon and chicken fat are "old," that my blue cheese is "moldy" (!), and throws them, and anything else she deems suspicious, away. When I ask her not to do these things - which I have, in language ranging from "It makes me feel __ when you do __" to "GET OUT" - she tells me I'm wrong. And then sends me cleaning supplies in the mail afterward. I wish I were kidding.
Whoever said this was a control issue was absolutely right. My solution: when she comes over and says, "I thought I'd make X for dinner" I look at the recipe, get out all the supplies she needs (thus preventing rooting around in my cupboards) and then I get out. I stay close and listen for chaos in case something unexpected comes up - she won't ask where the salt is, she'll just take everything out of the cupboard looking for it - but otherwise, it's strictly eyes-off. I make a big deal out of being so grateful that she cooked that I couldn't possibly let her clean, not when she'd gone to all this work, and everything. Then, when she leaves, I bleach the hell out of everything, throw away the sponges, and rest easy.
And in case that sounds like overkill: last time, I happened to walk through the kitchen and see an enormous pile of raw chicken sitting on a soggy paper towel on the counter . . . four inches from my baby's counter seat. Ah, I love the smell of Clorox in the morning.-COLLAPSE
My mother in law has been told very politely that the kitchen is mine, and my wife and she are welcome to sit and talk with me while I cook, but my son and I are the only ones allowed to do the cooking.
"How can I make her stay out of the kitchen and stop trying to control the menu?"
Here's an idea - tell her. Do it politely, but tell her. Not that hard.
Shortly after my sister and her husband purchased their first home, she hosted Thanksgiving dinner for her husband's family (about 25 people total). As is somewhat usual, she divvied out many side dishes, salads, etc.
What she didn't consider, however, was a bit of a cultural divide (her husband's family are somewhat recent Mexican immigrants). And so instead of arriving with chafing dishes and...+READ
Shortly after my sister and her husband purchased their first home, she hosted Thanksgiving dinner for her husband's family (about 25 people total). As is somewhat usual, she divvied out many side dishes, salads, etc.
What she didn't consider, however, was a bit of a cultural divide (her husband's family are somewhat recent Mexican immigrants). And so instead of arriving with chafing dishes and tupperware, she had about 10 women descend on her small, galley-style kitchen with bags of groceries and spent a very frantic few hours fighting for utensils counterspace, etc. Needless to say, she's now very specific with invitations.-COLLAPSE
I sympathize with bestfresh. My xM knew only how to bake a ham on Christmas day (the only day she ever cooked). And she needed help from my x sister in law (not me) to help her tell if it was hot yet to serve. She managed to dirty every dish in her kitchen and immediately after the meal she would retire to the living room and smoke a cigarette while my x sister in law and I cleaned the dishes....+READ
I sympathize with bestfresh. My xM knew only how to bake a ham on Christmas day (the only day she ever cooked). And she needed help from my x sister in law (not me) to help her tell if it was hot yet to serve. She managed to dirty every dish in her kitchen and immediately after the meal she would retire to the living room and smoke a cigarette while my x sister in law and I cleaned the dishes. When she came to our homes for dinner - same thing. immediately retiring to living room to smoke. Okay, I'm off the subject a little but it felt good to rant.-COLLAPSE
I WON MY BATTLE!
my M (to put it bluntly) is a bummer! she- poor thing! has stuck to the same ten recipes including
box mac n cheese (she still reads the box to assemble!), caned chili and boxed cornbread, pre formed burgers (unspiced and cooked on a forman to suck out the last drop of flavor),caned green beans with a table spoon of lime juice with EVERY meal, and my FAVE boxed mashed...+READ
I WON MY BATTLE!
my M (to put it bluntly) is a bummer! she- poor thing! has stuck to the same ten recipes including
box mac n cheese (she still reads the box to assemble!), caned chili and boxed cornbread, pre formed burgers (unspiced and cooked on a forman to suck out the last drop of flavor),caned green beans with a table spoon of lime juice with EVERY meal, and my FAVE boxed mashed potatoes made with hot water and two skakes of salt beaten into a thick tastless paste scooped with an ice cream scoop
for her entire cooking life
and sadly will not be drawn astray and makes childish faces should she se the consuming of eggs over easy,a mango,an avacado or heaven forbid fresh bread!
she had nearly destroyed my husband who daily "hesitantly" learns the joy of fruits, vegetables, beverages, and baked goods Much to her shegrin!
so when she comes to our home and sais ewww or oH! WHat is thIs?!!
and my husbands proudly and enthusiasticly sais its a salvadorian tamale or its a lychee from...or exsplains a boba tea--to funny! or a pasta and sais IT'S GOOD YOU SHOULD TRY and then
she sais oh!..wwwell I can make dinner!
I silently celebrate my victory
Offer to set our table with the lime green plastic placemats she gave me, pour our wine and pop her strawberry wine cooler
and we smile and share knowing glances while we set out the condiments!!!
foodies prevail!-COLLAPSE
When I see these real estate programs with young couples looking for "an open-plan" kitchen for "entertaining" I always smile (a bit ruefully) to myself. 15 years in an "open plan" was about 14 too many. Our current house has a completely separate kitchen and I could not be happier. Perhaps Doormat should just invite her MIL to make dinner during one of the nights of the visit, and DIL can serve...+READ
When I see these real estate programs with young couples looking for "an open-plan" kitchen for "entertaining" I always smile (a bit ruefully) to myself. 15 years in an "open plan" was about 14 too many. Our current house has a completely separate kitchen and I could not be happier. Perhaps Doormat should just invite her MIL to make dinner during one of the nights of the visit, and DIL can serve as sous-chef. She might learn something.-COLLAPSE
"That's a control maneuver." - Thank you, EWSflash!
As soon as I read the headline, I said, I bet this isn't a food issue at all. Maybe this is a (misguided) male viewpoint, but I'd bet that the reason this happens in the kitchen is not because that's where the food is but because that's where the DIL is. Granted, the Mars&Venus view is that males interpret everything as being about pecking...+READ
"That's a control maneuver." - Thank you, EWSflash!
As soon as I read the headline, I said, I bet this isn't a food issue at all. Maybe this is a (misguided) male viewpoint, but I'd bet that the reason this happens in the kitchen is not because that's where the food is but because that's where the DIL is. Granted, the Mars&Venus view is that males interpret everything as being about pecking order, but this really sounds like an issue of power, not culinary style.
The writer deserves some peace in her own space, and a husband to defend her. If he doesn't know about it, tell him. If he does, tell him it's time to demonstrate his loyalty.-COLLAPSE
mothers in law should be out of twon , and not heard
I have a very similar problem with friends coming over for dinner. Again they mean well when they are constantly in my face, messing with my "flow" asking if they can help. For me it was a two step process.
1. realize that they are not trying to be annoying, but actually have a hard time with leaving all of the work to me. So in reality, tripping over my friends every two seconds while I am...+READ
I have a very similar problem with friends coming over for dinner. Again they mean well when they are constantly in my face, messing with my "flow" asking if they can help. For me it was a two step process.
1. realize that they are not trying to be annoying, but actually have a hard time with leaving all of the work to me. So in reality, tripping over my friends every two seconds while I am trying to prepare something is actually their way of being nice
2. give you helpful friends (or mother in law) the time consuming and important job of hostace. Leave out wine (with opener) finger food, tell her to greet guests and take coats, etc. If that doesn't keep her busy idk what will
and finally remember that you want control over your kitchen because you think you are a good cook and you want to work hard to cook a good meal for your family. Maybe just tell her this and she'll understand (in a perfect world that is so don't hold your breath)-COLLAPSE
Nobody needs to hear "Oh, that's a lot of garlic" or have somebody second-guessing their seasonings while they're trying their best to cook a meal. That's a control maneuver. MIL needs to know that she's banned from the kitchen unless she can actually be helpful and not passive-aggressive.
I love to hang out with a glass of wine with my DIL in her tiny kitchen, an I'll do whatever she asks to help. But it is her kitchen, and her rules.
I used to have this problem with my MIL. Finally, before she was about to visit, my husband had had enough of my whining about it and called his mom. He said, "Jamie not only loves to cook for you, she's a bit of a control freak in the kitchen...she won't let me in there unless I'm just grabbing a beer! I think it would be best if you just hung out with me while she cooks...that way I get more...+READ
I used to have this problem with my MIL. Finally, before she was about to visit, my husband had had enough of my whining about it and called his mom. He said, "Jamie not only loves to cook for you, she's a bit of a control freak in the kitchen...she won't let me in there unless I'm just grabbing a beer! I think it would be best if you just hung out with me while she cooks...that way I get more quality time with you!" She loved that! And, she's stayed out of my way ever since.-COLLAPSE