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Dear Helena,
I am dating a guy who is borderline Mr. Perfect but has no appreciation of food. He'd be happy to have a peanut butter sandwich for dinner every night. He eats my cooking but I can tell he doesn't really "get" why I bother, and he is averse to foodie expeditions to find, say, the best pho in town. Now our relationship is becoming serious, so my question is this: Can you really trust someone who doesn't care about food? Is it just one of those flaws I should strive to accept, or is it a sign of something deeper wrong with him? Would it be rude of me to try to change him—and if not, how do I do it?
—Lives to Eat
Dear Lives to Eat,
It's surprisingly common for Chowhounds to fall in love with people who'd just as soon take their meals in pill form, as this discussion thread shows. And when I shared your problem with readers of The Kitchn, many of them sympathized. BuffMama writes: "My husband of 11 years enjoys only 1. plain, dried-out chicken 2. Jiffy Peanut Butter on WHITE bread 3. Pasta with PLAIN Hunts tomato sauce (nothing added, thank you)." Similarly, leavingthecity complains of a fiancé who eats only "pasta, campbells canned soup, and some weird chicken with canned gravy over noodles."
But is a penchant for PB&J grounds for dumping? Depends on your priorities. LitNerd sputters, "Seriously? He's not a foodie so he's not trustworthy? That's ridiculous. That's akin to him being a football fanatic who considers dumping you because you don't want to go to games with him. " But to somebody whose life is football, it might not seem so ridiculous. If talking about, thinking about, dreaming about, and cooking food are major pieces of your personality and identity, sitting across the table from someone who might as well be chewing on cardboard could justifiably be a deal-killer.
Here's the good news: People who really don't enjoy eating are even more unusual than people who don't enjoy sex. So I doubt your boyfriend's PB&J habit is a symptom of deep-seated psychological issues. More likely, he was brought up on boxed mac 'n' cheese and that has crippled his appreciation of food. When people claim not to enjoy salad, for instance, it often means they were raised on iceberg and wilted romaine and have never tasted, say, a Shaved Fennel and Strawberry Salad.
Sometimes a person's pedestrian palate can mislead you into thinking he's a nonfoodie, whereas in fact he's appreciating that PB&J (or canned gravy) much more than you think. When I met my husband, I thought he was uninterested in food, because he would eat vegetables only in the form of salsa and considered vanilla the world's greatest ice cream flavor. But he appreciates a homemade ice cream made with fresh Madagascar vanilla beans and was extremely supportive of my quest for the perfect salsa.
A good way to try to awaken your boyfriend's food appreciation is to cook delicious dishes for him but work within his existing taste parameters. Or, as Kitchn reader EriktheRed suggests, "you need to encourage him to take the journey to find the BEST peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Who makes the best bread … Who has the best peanut butter (I actually prefer Whole Foods crunchy house brand), who has the best jam ..." Paradoxically, once you've shown that you fully support his PB&J habit, you might find he is willing to try more new dishes in return. Just don't expect him to start cooking them.
When I married my husband 44 years ago he had a very limited knowlege of food. His Mom made the best potroast & pork roasted dinners I've ever had, and her gravies were to die for. Our kids can now cook a potroast with gravy very well as I made sure of that.
Shrimp was exotic to them. It took me a few years to expand his palate. Sometimes it was frustrating, but the results are wonderful. We...+READ
When I married my husband 44 years ago he had a very limited knowlege of food. His Mom made the best potroast & pork roasted dinners I've ever had, and her gravies were to die for. Our kids can now cook a potroast with gravy very well as I made sure of that.
Shrimp was exotic to them. It took me a few years to expand his palate. Sometimes it was frustrating, but the results are wonderful. We both try loads of new ethnic foods, and I'm always trying new recipes and have made up a few keepers too.
Ive said all that to say this: Don't give up on him yet. Keep trying to expand his palate, or at least appease yours with great food.My DH now loves sushi,and sashimi even more. He likes Thai, Spanish(was appalled the first time I fixed him beans & rice with jalapeno & plantain) and most everything else. You can do it with love, kind of the way you teach a kid to try new stuff.(What if there was just chocolate ice cream, think how much you would miss in not trying vanilla?
Good Luck.-COLLAPSE
When my thrice-married friend brought prospective wife #3 down to meet me, we went to a local tourist trap that featured a Moroccan experience (you order one prix fixe menu, eat with your hands, etc) because he told us he wanted to "expand her eating horizons". Didn't work. She had a bite of fruit and looked on the verge of tears for the entire evening. Truly uncomfortable for my friend and I who...+READ
When my thrice-married friend brought prospective wife #3 down to meet me, we went to a local tourist trap that featured a Moroccan experience (you order one prix fixe menu, eat with your hands, etc) because he told us he wanted to "expand her eating horizons". Didn't work. She had a bite of fruit and looked on the verge of tears for the entire evening. Truly uncomfortable for my friend and I who were hosting. The story we heard was that she grew up eating nothing but chicken breasts, center cut boneless pork chops and pasta with red gravy.
They're divorced now.-COLLAPSE
Yeah, sorry, love is not acceptance. That's why we have two different words for those two concepts. Sometimes, in fact, love means *refusing* to accept something -- and it's not loving to let someone think it's ok to diminish and devalue something that makes you really happy. What's loving in that situation is to point out the problem and ask for change, because love has the best interests of the...+READ
Yeah, sorry, love is not acceptance. That's why we have two different words for those two concepts. Sometimes, in fact, love means *refusing* to accept something -- and it's not loving to let someone think it's ok to diminish and devalue something that makes you really happy. What's loving in that situation is to point out the problem and ask for change, because love has the best interests of the other person at heart. Love doesn't want the other person to stay a douchebag.
I agree that this is only a red flag if it's symptomatic of unwillingness to branch out or experiment in other areas. I sure as shootin' wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who refused to try anything new.
The only vegetables my dad ate when he and my mom got married were potatoes (ha!), iceberg lettuce, and canned corn, and he was strictly a midwestern-food eater. But he wasn't a crank about it. Mom knew that eventually he'd come around. Now he eats sushi, dim sum, Greek, Middle Eastern, Indian, Thai... you name it, he'll eat it. :)-COLLAPSE
Don't fret is too much as long as he understands that it is important to you and respects that... that said I did break up with someone because they only ate chow mien when we went for dim sum, there were mitigating factors but the dim sum clinched it.
I say, love is acceptance. If you have other things in common with this gentleman, then keepthe relationship going. If worst comes to worst, serve him his sandwiches and cook your specialties for yourself and for friends
I was in a 7 year marriage with someone who didn't like food. I didn't know how to cook, so I learned to cook really well, to no real avail. He would simply rather have a frozen pot pie than try anything new. His limited palate wasn't the reason for our breakup, but now than I am with someone who truly shares my love of food and eating, I realize just how lucky I am. We dazzle each other with our...+READ
I was in a 7 year marriage with someone who didn't like food. I didn't know how to cook, so I learned to cook really well, to no real avail. He would simply rather have a frozen pot pie than try anything new. His limited palate wasn't the reason for our breakup, but now than I am with someone who truly shares my love of food and eating, I realize just how lucky I am. We dazzle each other with our culinary skills and develop recipes together. Can you trust a man who doesn't share your interests? Sure, but life is so much more fun with someone who not only eats your cooking, but shares your passions.-COLLAPSE
I hate cheese. Weird, I know, there are a few exceptions, but not many. That doesn't mean I can't be trusted or shouldn't be with a woman. It sounds to me like this lady is LOOKING for a reason that her relationship will fail. If you don't want to be in it, then don't be, quit wasting the poor guy's time with your nonsense lady.
The letter writer questions whether she can trust her boyfriend because he doesn't care about food. From my view, I would doubt the intelligence, maturity and stability of a woman who gets her romance advice from a food website.
Marie516, you win the prize for the best comment so far...LOL. I also agree with MCFAC that the age of the people in question may be relevant. I think there is probably more hope that a 20 year old's tastes may change and develop with time. Another point that I don't think anyone has made is that finances can be a stressor in a serious relationship, and I think it's helpful if both people in a...+READ
Marie516, you win the prize for the best comment so far...LOL. I also agree with MCFAC that the age of the people in question may be relevant. I think there is probably more hope that a 20 year old's tastes may change and develop with time. Another point that I don't think anyone has made is that finances can be a stressor in a serious relationship, and I think it's helpful if both people in a relationship have similar ideas about how to spend expendable income. My husband and I are willing to spend a fair amount of money on a really nice dinner or splurge on an expensive ingredient and consider that our entertainment money. It would be difficult to be in a relationship with someone who didn't consider that a good use of money. (Much as it might be difficult if one member in a relationship spent a lot of money on sports, or gambling, or whatever as their entertainment if the other partner wasn't interested). I don't think there is a question of being "trust worthy", but it could be a problem to not share (or at least tolerate) this interest.-COLLAPSE
How long have you been dating? My husband had never eaten an olive when I met him, and fixed himself frozen fish for dinner every night. A few years later, he took me to the NYC chocolate show. Are you both in your twenties or your fifties? He may have never experienced better food. I wouldn't write this guy off just yet. You might want to try combining the romance with the food, here's a...+READ
How long have you been dating? My husband had never eaten an olive when I met him, and fixed himself frozen fish for dinner every night. A few years later, he took me to the NYC chocolate show. Are you both in your twenties or your fifties? He may have never experienced better food. I wouldn't write this guy off just yet. You might want to try combining the romance with the food, here's a cookbook I like: The New InterCourses: An Aphrodisiac Cookbook - the lavender scallops are great, and the honey soaked french toast is insanely good. Of course if that french toast doesn't work on him, it may be time to move on!-COLLAPSE
LOL marie516! I agree. It's not the picky eating so much as the narrow-mindedness behind it that's something that would put me off. I personally wouldn't want to spend my life with someone who wasn't interested and curious about new experiences, whether with food or with anything else.
To me it would need to change or it would be a deal breaker. The whole "don't try to change people you love thing" is too simple... my husband and I have been together ten years and we have changed each other so much, deliberately and accidentally, and we are both better for it. There are some things that he hates that will always mystify me (berries, a lot of fish) but that I don't mess with...+READ
To me it would need to change or it would be a deal breaker. The whole "don't try to change people you love thing" is too simple... my husband and I have been together ten years and we have changed each other so much, deliberately and accidentally, and we are both better for it. There are some things that he hates that will always mystify me (berries, a lot of fish) but that I don't mess with because he truly dislikes them... others (Thai and Ethiopian food) have been a project of mine and now he adores them. There are actual personality traits, which you probably can't change/shouldn't, and things like your description, that seem rooted in fear/bad experiences/anxiety that interfere with a person's ability to enjoy life fully. I wouldn't stay with a man who only liked the missionary position and refused to change, and I wouldn't stay with a person who only ate PB&J and refused to branch out! You can't make someone into a foodie if they just aren't, but it's important to be able to enjoy food and not be afraid of new experiences. To me this indicates either someone seriously out of touch with his sensual/physical side, or someone with a pretty crippling fear of new things, both of which are things people need help to deal with.... or you could just get out now. ;)-COLLAPSE
The advice seems to say that he just needs to broaden his horizons and he'll start appreciating food. This works on some people, but from the letter writer's description, it sounds like her BF is one of the many people who just see food as fuel and would be happy taking a nutrition pill each day if they could. I don't think it affects his trustworthiness, but whether it's a dealbreaker depends on...+READ
The advice seems to say that he just needs to broaden his horizons and he'll start appreciating food. This works on some people, but from the letter writer's description, it sounds like her BF is one of the many people who just see food as fuel and would be happy taking a nutrition pill each day if they could. I don't think it affects his trustworthiness, but whether it's a dealbreaker depends on the people involved.-COLLAPSE
do NOT try to change people. Love is acceptance.
mdzehnder- There are a lot of valid reasons not to force your child to eat food as it can lead to control issues with food and eating disorders when the child gets older. Children may also not want to eat a certain food because they are allergic or have an intolerance for it. I see no problem with making a child try everything on the plate once, but after that if they don't like it, there's no...+READ
mdzehnder- There are a lot of valid reasons not to force your child to eat food as it can lead to control issues with food and eating disorders when the child gets older. Children may also not want to eat a certain food because they are allergic or have an intolerance for it. I see no problem with making a child try everything on the plate once, but after that if they don't like it, there's no reason to force them to eat anymore. Some people are picky because they honestly don't like certain things and have tried them multiple times, while others are picky because they don't want to try certain foods.-COLLAPSE
In the vein of the chicken fingers only/people raised with a bad palate/picky children theme, I simply for the life of me cannot comprehend these parents who say, "my child is picky, I can't get him to eat anything, my child will only eat x." In what universe are they living?? When I was 6 I sat at the dining room table in front of a plate of steamed asparagus and white sauce for--absolutely no...+READ
In the vein of the chicken fingers only/people raised with a bad palate/picky children theme, I simply for the life of me cannot comprehend these parents who say, "my child is picky, I can't get him to eat anything, my child will only eat x." In what universe are they living?? When I was 6 I sat at the dining room table in front of a plate of steamed asparagus and white sauce for--absolutely no exaggeration here--three DAYS. I was allowed to go to bed in the evenings, and when I woke up I went straight back to the table, and sat there, until I ate the food. And as an adult? There's nothing I won't try, and very few things I don't end up enjoying.-COLLAPSE
The people described here are missing more than just a normal appreciation of well-prepared food. There's more to food than taste, remember. Their extremely limited intake of a variety of foods makes them targets for illness due to various vitamin/mineral deficiencies. They may be healthy enough now, but I wouldn't want to live with one for a lifetime, nor would I want to give birth to his...+READ
The people described here are missing more than just a normal appreciation of well-prepared food. There's more to food than taste, remember. Their extremely limited intake of a variety of foods makes them targets for illness due to various vitamin/mineral deficiencies. They may be healthy enough now, but I wouldn't want to live with one for a lifetime, nor would I want to give birth to his children. We all have things we don't like, but being that limited in one's choice shows that there's something very wrong somewhere, and whether its psychological or physical, that's not a healthy person.-COLLAPSE
Back in my day, we'd just dump people because they were ugly. We live in a brave new world.
Glad your story had a happy ending DreamCyn. I have to ask who were you angry with? Glad your anger paid off though. What is it with moms and cheese sandwiches? I know two guys currently who got nothing but cheese sandwiches for lunch growing up. Not just in school but at home too. At least the one mom grilled them once in a great while. I guess some people are born with a bad-palate but others...+READ
Glad your story had a happy ending DreamCyn. I have to ask who were you angry with? Glad your anger paid off though. What is it with moms and cheese sandwiches? I know two guys currently who got nothing but cheese sandwiches for lunch growing up. Not just in school but at home too. At least the one mom grilled them once in a great while. I guess some people are born with a bad-palate but others seemed to be raised that way.-COLLAPSE
My boyfriend (of 3 years now) started out as the complete opposite of me, food wise. He was a very picky child, apparently- pretty much ate nothing but chicken fingers, and this wasn't much different as an adult. This bugged me a lot early on, but eventually actually got better.
Big time example: when we first started dating he told me he didn't like fish, so i never forced him to eat it- See, i...+READ
My boyfriend (of 3 years now) started out as the complete opposite of me, food wise. He was a very picky child, apparently- pretty much ate nothing but chicken fingers, and this wasn't much different as an adult. This bugged me a lot early on, but eventually actually got better.
Big time example: when we first started dating he told me he didn't like fish, so i never forced him to eat it- See, i won't force you to eat something you don't like, but if you've never tried it, that's different... One night-about a year later- he offhandedly mentioned that the salmon sashimi i made him try was the first piece of fish he'd ever eaten. Turns out the only kind of fish he'd ever eaten was canned tuna, which he didn't like, and he just assumed he didn't like any other fish! I was dumbfounded and suddenly quite angry. That whole week we ate fish almost every night, and he enjoyed it!
Nowadays he's as big of a foodie as me, and we pretty much travel the state (when we can, plus anywhere else we can go) to try anything new and interesting we can!
But, to tell you the truth, if he hadn't come over from the dark side, i don't think we'd still be together. Food is a major part of my life. In fact, sometimes i'd say it's the only thing that makes me really happy. If he couldn't enjoy it as much as me, i'd be alone in that happiness and things just wouldn't be right.-COLLAPSE
Most of the people I know who don't appreciate good food are really infants in adult bodies. Is anything else about him infantile? PB&J ought to set off warning bells anyway.