Loser Fake-Meat Dinners

Published on Wednesday, August 11, 2010, by James Norton / Edit Post

Gardein Trios

Gardein Trios

I Paid: $3.69 for a 10.5-ounce meal (prices may vary by region)

Taste: 1 stars

Marketing: 5 stars

There are few better ways to polarize a food conversation than to mention fake meat. Though plenty of good versions exist (Tofurky, for instance), there are just as many that make vegetarians weep and meat eaters shake their heads in empathy. (Or point and laugh, but we’re presuming a modicum of human decency here.)

Sadly, Gardein Trios fall into the second category. “Sadly” because these refrigerated vegetarian entrées look delectable based on their clean, bright packaging; high-quality food photography; and appealing marketing concept: protein + veggies + rice (there’s your trio) with a sauce. Prep is relatively easy, too—just microwave the sealed plastic refrigerated packets or heat them in boiling water.

The Thai and Sicilian Trios are both stuffed meatballs with a sauce and rice; Burgundy is faux-beef pieces with sauce and rice. I sampled all three and had one uniform reaction: “Bleagh.”

First, the Thai meatball. I have no idea what this dish was modeled after, Thai-food-wise. It was a fake chicken meatball stuffed with red peppers, bamboo shoots, and tomato, in a sweet but otherwise uninteresting red curry sauce that was Ragú-esque. Both it and the Sicilian variety looked … well, let’s just say unappetizing. A slimy beige mass isn’t what anyone wants to confront for lunch, and it suggests unpalatable comparisons, sauce or no.

If you’re curious, the 10 first ingredients in the Sicilian and Thai Trios’ meatballs are water, nongenetically engineered soy protein, vital wheat gluten, ancient grains (quinoa, amaranth, millet, and kamut), natural flavors (from plant sources), potato starch, expeller pressed canola oil, pea protein, modified vegetable gum, and carrot fiber.

In theory, there’s no reason that this combination can’t taste good, but rest assured, it doesn’t. The fake meat is “off”—lacking richness, depth of spice, or a level of umami that would give you anything to hang onto. Deeply unsatisfying. And there’s the mouthfeel problem, which the weak, watery sauce and austere, almost tasteless rice can’t correct. It’s neither meatlike nor vegetal, but rather somewhat rubbery.

While the mock beef in the Burgundy Trio looks close enough to legit—meatlike chunks that resemble a sawed-up steak—the flavor was, again, underseasoned and depressingly dull.

There’s a lot to like about these meals, in terms of their nutritional content, organization, packaging, and marketing. If only the flavor could be knocked into shape.

James Norton edits the Upper Midwestern food journal Heavy Table. He's also the coauthor of a book on Wisconsin's master cheesemakers. For his Supertaster Daily videos, he samples offerings from supermarket aisles and fast-food menus. (Click here to see all of James's previous Supertaster work.) You can follow him on Twitter and fan him on Facebook.

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POST A COMMENT |16 Comments

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  • I have been a vegetarian for several years when I bought a cookbook by the inventor of the Gardein products (Tal Ronnen, "The Conscious Cook"). In many of his recipes he suggests wiping off the sauces that come on the meats before cooking. I have found this technique to be very useful. Also, I've found that it is nearly impossible to overcook the meats, and that the texture improves with the...+READ

    I have been a vegetarian for several years when I bought a cookbook by the inventor of the Gardein products (Tal Ronnen, "The Conscious Cook"). In many of his recipes he suggests wiping off the sauces that come on the meats before cooking. I have found this technique to be very useful. Also, I've found that it is nearly impossible to overcook the meats, and that the texture improves with the longer you cook them. You wouldn't microwave real chicken, so don't microwave the fakes either.

    Recently, I wiped down the chicken breasts, seasoned them with my own cajun spices and barbecued them on my grill. I made a quick homemade barbecue sauce (sautee and reduce: onion, butter, maple syrup, dry mustard, brown sugar, whole peeled tomatoes--pureed in food processor) to slather on before and after the grill and it was delicious.

    I also like to do the following with the beef skewers: wipe them down, season with spices, browning each side in a cast iron pan, then combining in a stir fry with big chunks of green bell pepper, green onion, red onion, black sesame seeds, garlic and homemade asian sauce (equal parts hoison sauce and sauce soy, with a splash of fish sauce, and splash of ciracha sauce).

    This article is misleading. Gardein is a great meat substitute if it is properly prepared. It comes very close texturally to real meat. If you are a vegetarian, and are looking for a good protein source, gardein is a great choice, so long as you don't mind going beyond microwaving or boiling in a bag.-COLLAPSE

  • As someone who has recently started eating a lot less meat (mainly vegetarian at home now), I've been trying out a lot of these fake meat products lately. It's been interesting to say the least. These sound particularly horrid, though. I'm tempted to try them just to see how bad they really are.

  • OK, we have fake meat made of vegan ingredients, but you never see fake vegetables made of animal parts. Shows you who's sane and who isn't....

  • I'll never understand why someone would be so hard edged on meat eating, yet choose to eat something highly processed.

  • their fake wings are awesome, and really spicy, great with some yogurt blue cheese dressing, also as a side note i am not a vegetarian at all, so i'm not trying to make excuses for these types of products..

  • You need to do a "Loser Animal Meat Dinners" too, in order to be really thorough. That would include most of them.

  • The chickn strips are pretty good, but everything else I've tried from them has been awful .

  • The only way to process soybeans and make them palatable is to make tofu.

  • Spices people! SPICES!

    I find just about every pre-prepared meal to be under seasoned to the lowest possible denominator.

  • I really liked the pull pork.

  • I've actually had these and I ended up throwing the other two packages I had away... there a funky texture issue also.

  • I agree, their "Buffalo Wings" are fantastic!

  • I tried Gardein's "Buffalo Wings" and they were quite tasty (and spicy)!

  • There are some really good fake meats out there (Yves, for example), but I agree that these are lacking.

  • How could pea protein and carrot fiber POSSIBLY taste good? The problem is that fake meat is not ncecessary nor does it EVER taste good.

  • Ugh. Norton's completely right. Shortly after going veggie, I tried one of these. It was horrible. And the sort of thing that's already seasoned, so even if it's not great, you can't just season it to make it bearable. Really, this has to be the worst faux meat I'd ever had.