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Dear Helena,
Three months ago I decided to become a vegetarian and have really loved it. For me, it’s more of a health-conscious decision than an ethical one, and I have really noticed a difference in how I feel. However, there is one major hitch: My boyfriend’s parents are cattle producers and big meat-eaters at almost every meal. For them, raising animals for human consumption is their livelihood, and the idea of not eating meat seems very strange. I don’t have a problem with their meat consumption; I just prefer to abstain. What is the best way to continue to be a vegetarian without offending those I eat with?
—Meat-Free in Iowa
Dear Meat-Free in Iowa,
When you break the news, your boyfriend’s parents will probably be baffled, hurt, and maybe even angry. When I posed this question to John Cunningham, consumer research director of the Vegetarian Resource Group, he said, “Meat is such a part of the identity of this family, it will be hard for them to see it as anything other than a rejection of their family values.”
Like many people, they may assume that because you’re vegetarian, you despise carnivores. Nicolette Hahn Niman, author of Righteous Porkchop, explains: “There is a segment of vegetarians and especially vegans who are absolutely convinced it is unethical or even immoral to eat any animal products. ... That influences the way all vegetarians are viewed.”
It’s not surprising that vegetarians are stereotyped and misunderstood. They still make up only about 3 percent of the total population, according to a survey commissioned by the Vegetarian Resource Group. And in the Midwest, vegetarians are particularly rare, making up only about 1 percent of the population.
But don’t resign yourself to a lifetime of hiding your uneaten burger patty under your napkin. In announcing your decision, you have two factors in your favor. First, your boyfriend eats meat, which should banish fears that you’ll show up in a “Meat Is Murder” shirt. (The fact that Hahn Niman is married to rancher Bill Niman usually reassures carnivores, she says.) Second, you’re not, in fact, an ethical vegetarian. So when you drop the bomb, you must emphasize that you respect the choice to eat meat, and you won’t be shooting baleful looks at them as they try to enjoy their prime rib.
Explain that you’re motivated by health concerns, but emphasize that that’s a personal decision. Instead of remarking on how red meat consumption increases the risk of heart disease, just say something low-key like, “I’ve found I feel better if I don’t eat it.” It may also help if you say that you understand that a carnivorous diet works better for some people than others (something that Hahn Niman believes).
By the way, make sure you’re clear with the family about what vegetarian means, because its definition is fuzzy to many. Cunningham explains, “There’s a confusion around the word meat, which means cows or pigs to a lot of people.” Many people—including some self-styled vegetarians—think that vegetarians can eat chicken and fish.
Once your boyfriend’s family has accepted your news, they may worry about making a special dish for you. You don’t want to let them do this because it will isolate you if you’re eating a microwaved veggie lasagne while everyone else shares a beef tenderloin. For the same reason, you shouldn’t bring your own food. Hahn Niman says she always lets the host knows she’s vegetarian but asks, “Don’t make any special accommodations.” If you want to avoid rocking the boat, it’s best if you just eat whatever nonmeat items are being served. If your boyfriend’s parents favor traditional meat-and-potatoes fare, there’s usually a starch and a vegetable alongside the meat. Luckily, you’re not the kind of vegetarian who will freak out if a drop of gravy happens to get on your potatoes.
Marty or Krutolow - plants have feelings too. They have defense systems to keep from being eaten by insects fungi and other plants although we have overcome some of their defenses. All living things do not want to die. I choose to eat meat because that is how my body functions best. But eating beef/pork/poultry/seafood doesn't mean excluding vegetables. I'm sorry that you didn't discover a...+READ
Marty or Krutolow - plants have feelings too. They have defense systems to keep from being eaten by insects fungi and other plants although we have overcome some of their defenses. All living things do not want to die. I choose to eat meat because that is how my body functions best. But eating beef/pork/poultry/seafood doesn't mean excluding vegetables. I'm sorry that you didn't discover a well-rounded diet before becoming a vegetarien. I find foods compliment each other and like the variety my omnivorous diet offers.-COLLAPSE
I think the advice about not bringing your own food is a little weak. A lot of people don't even think about the meat ingredients that go into their cooking (meat stock or broth, lard in processed foods, fish sauce, anchovies in caesar dressing, gelatin everywhere) and that starch/vegetable on the table are in no way guaranteed vegetarian fare, particularly at a ranch house. I think bringing...+READ
I think the advice about not bringing your own food is a little weak. A lot of people don't even think about the meat ingredients that go into their cooking (meat stock or broth, lard in processed foods, fish sauce, anchovies in caesar dressing, gelatin everywhere) and that starch/vegetable on the table are in no way guaranteed vegetarian fare, particularly at a ranch house. I think bringing something to dinner is both sensible and polite, especially if you're an awesome vegetarian cook and you want to share something delicious with the group. It's a lot more polite than pretending to be smiley as your blood sugar crashes over an empty plate.-COLLAPSE
they should not take offense.
but since PETA and a lot of vegetation / vegan types are fast to condemn those whom are not like thinking , this could cause an issue.
remember there is room for both trains of thought.
@ezilla could not agree more!
Well said galewskj.
Very good article! I'm born and raised a vegetarian, and I've had to deal with many situations in which people simply could not accept my life-style. I am accepting of other peoples choice in what they eat, and never has anyone seen my try to convince them to make the change. That is the misconception, that leads to all the hate.
The worst experience I've had is when some people tried to...+READ
Very good article! I'm born and raised a vegetarian, and I've had to deal with many situations in which people simply could not accept my life-style. I am accepting of other peoples choice in what they eat, and never has anyone seen my try to convince them to make the change. That is the misconception, that leads to all the hate.
The worst experience I've had is when some people tried to sabotage my meal with meat product. Which I simply don't have the enzymes built up to digest it properly.-COLLAPSE
For those who have issues with vegetarians - Its got nothing to do with being vegetarian and everything to do with a personality type. the type of person who feels the need to shove their values down other peoples throats.
This happens with food, politics, child rearing, how to best arrange your silverware drawer... EVERYTHING. Its not some "vegetarian problem", its rude people.
Marty, I'm sure you thought your post was well meaning. But I think your views are the reason why people have a dislike towards vegetarians. Like the vegans/vegetarians I know, you took this opportunity (and probably every opportunity you can) to guilt meat eaters and try to convince them to stop eating meat.
MandalayVA: You nailed it. Vegetarians and "their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, vegans" (- Anthony Bourdain), think nothing of ramming their inedible crap down our throats, and telling like it's for our own good, and we're insane to complain.
And when I say inedible, I don't just mean because it's flavourless. The indigestion a rich meal will give you if you're used to eating rabbit food?...+READ
MandalayVA: You nailed it. Vegetarians and "their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, vegans" (- Anthony Bourdain), think nothing of ramming their inedible crap down our throats, and telling like it's for our own good, and we're insane to complain.
And when I say inedible, I don't just mean because it's flavourless. The indigestion a rich meal will give you if you're used to eating rabbit food? That goes both ways too.
p.s. I have a friend whose life was saved by an almost all-meat diet.-COLLAPSE
There is some very important information missing here. Was this gal a veghead before she started dating Mr. Cowhand, or did she have a come to Jesus moment later? I sense possible passive-aggressive issues here.
Parrotgal, I agree with your assertion about a cultural divide. I married into a cattle ranching family with a long heritage (since 1849) of raising "happy cows" (e.g., organic, grass-fed, etc). If I were to tell them I decided to stop eating beef, it would be like I had said I wanted to eat their toenails.
Safirikate, as a native Californian who lived in the midwest for several years, I did not...+READ
Parrotgal, I agree with your assertion about a cultural divide. I married into a cattle ranching family with a long heritage (since 1849) of raising "happy cows" (e.g., organic, grass-fed, etc). If I were to tell them I decided to stop eating beef, it would be like I had said I wanted to eat their toenails.
Safirikate, as a native Californian who lived in the midwest for several years, I did not find Midwesterners to be "pretty accepting, in general." Perhaps that is no longer the case.-COLLAPSE
I'm a meat eater myself, but it's understandable why strict vegetarians, the ones who do it for ethical reasons, sometimes seem so uptight in social situations. An old flame of mine seemed incapable of understanding the concept, and when a veg friend of ours was coming over for dinner, he'd be making pasta sauce and cutting up pancetta. I'd say, um, that's meat, and he'd say, what? It's...+READ
I'm a meat eater myself, but it's understandable why strict vegetarians, the ones who do it for ethical reasons, sometimes seem so uptight in social situations. An old flame of mine seemed incapable of understanding the concept, and when a veg friend of ours was coming over for dinner, he'd be making pasta sauce and cutting up pancetta. I'd say, um, that's meat, and he'd say, what? It's flavoring!-COLLAPSE
moutaincachers, I like your response the best.
And respect should flow both ways. I have a friend who's a vegetarian. Whenever she's with a group that eats meat, she makes face and snide comments. Seriously, grow up.
She's also a bulimac. So it's odd to us that she thinks she's superior yet has a serious eating disorder.
As for me, a meat eater, I do find myself struggling with the idea...+READ
moutaincachers, I like your response the best.
And respect should flow both ways. I have a friend who's a vegetarian. Whenever she's with a group that eats meat, she makes face and snide comments. Seriously, grow up.
She's also a bulimac. So it's odd to us that she thinks she's superior yet has a serious eating disorder.
As for me, a meat eater, I do find myself struggling with the idea of eating meat the older I get. For all I know, perhaps one day I, too, will become a vegetarian. But it's my choice and my path, and not something I would want to foster or impose on others.-COLLAPSE
People who don't understand this question don't know what meat people are like. I used to be a vegetarian, and one summer worked with a very, very nice summer intern whose family were cattle ranchers. He never, never really understood. He was nice enough about it, but he just didn't get it, and kept asking me questions. Since he was being nice I didn't mind answering, but eventually I had to...+READ
People who don't understand this question don't know what meat people are like. I used to be a vegetarian, and one summer worked with a very, very nice summer intern whose family were cattle ranchers. He never, never really understood. He was nice enough about it, but he just didn't get it, and kept asking me questions. Since he was being nice I didn't mind answering, but eventually I had to wonder how a college educated person could be so completely unable to grasp the rather uncomplicated concept of vegetarianism.
The OP was not whining or being a baby, she was trying to figure out a kind way to leap a HUGE cultural divide. Just hang in there and keep trying. Good luck!-COLLAPSE
Beevod, I don't think the letter sounded whiny. She certainly seemed very reasonable to me.
If I were in the boyfriend's position, bringing my vegetarian girlfriend home to meet the meat raising parents, I would say something to them myself before arrival. After all, they already presumably love their son and don't know the girlfriend. Maybe something along the lines of "Just so you know, Susie...+READ
Beevod, I don't think the letter sounded whiny. She certainly seemed very reasonable to me.
If I were in the boyfriend's position, bringing my vegetarian girlfriend home to meet the meat raising parents, I would say something to them myself before arrival. After all, they already presumably love their son and don't know the girlfriend. Maybe something along the lines of "Just so you know, Susie doesn't really feel well when she eats meat, so she prefers to stick more to the vegetables. You don't need to fix her anything special, but you don't need to go to the trouble of cooking her a steak." I'm not suggesting that the girlfriend can't be an adult and speak up for herself, but I think it's nice to let the parents know before hand and the son is really in the best position to do this-COLLAPSE
I started out on the veg path for health reasons but I found as you delve more into healthy eating you can't help but learn about the other issues such as environmental impact of plant vs. animal agriculture, health issues that a veg diet minimizes or eliminates and of course, at some point you'll come upon one of the discussions regarding ethics, animal welfare and abolition. These issue, when...+READ
I started out on the veg path for health reasons but I found as you delve more into healthy eating you can't help but learn about the other issues such as environmental impact of plant vs. animal agriculture, health issues that a veg diet minimizes or eliminates and of course, at some point you'll come upon one of the discussions regarding ethics, animal welfare and abolition. These issue, when you see them at first are easy to pass by but eventually you will start thinking about them so don't be surprised if one day you wake up and ask yourself, "What is sentience and what does it mean to eat sentient beings?" or "If it takes 16 pounds of grain to produce 1 pound of beef am I taking more of the earths resources than I'm entitled to if I eat a predominantly animal based diet?"
You may not change overnight but don't be surprised when you do.
I think anyone who eats less meat and animal products is heading down a beneficial path for their own health, the environment's health, and of course the animals' health.
You don't have to stand on a soap box to tell your bf's parents but you don't need to hide it either. One of the magazines, either Vegnews or Vegetarian Times had a good article about this topic. One suggestion is not to do it at the dinner table ... it WILL start a long discussion best to not have while passing the filet.
Marty
Marty's Flying Vegetarian Review
www.martysnycveggiereview.blogspot.com-COLLAPSE
Either get a new boyfriend or stop whining.
thomas64: There are many different ways to tell someone something face-to-face, even politely yet firmly. I don't see why the original poster shouldn't have asked for advice in this circumstance.
How do you break the news that you're a vegetarian? How about acting like an adult woman and telling them face to face, politely yet firmly? It's amazing to me how many people are mystified by acting in honest, forthright way.
First, rent "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" and observe closely the scene where the gal tells her mom that her fiancee is a vegetarian. Observe the mom's reaction an get a good bely laugh out of it.
Second, know that your chow friends are behind you with good thoughts.
OPA!
I think that is the funniest title ever. Thanks for the laugh.
My dad is an ovo/lacto/pesco vegetarian for health reasons, in Nebraska, who raised hogs for twenty years. You would think that he would have a difficult time finding things to eat at restaurants and potlucks here in cattle country, it's really not that difficult. We can even go to a steak house and he'll get an assortment of sides and be perfectly happy. From growing up with him being a...+READ
My dad is an ovo/lacto/pesco vegetarian for health reasons, in Nebraska, who raised hogs for twenty years. You would think that he would have a difficult time finding things to eat at restaurants and potlucks here in cattle country, it's really not that difficult. We can even go to a steak house and he'll get an assortment of sides and be perfectly happy. From growing up with him being a vegetarian, I've found that it's actually more difficult to keep people, even farmers, from fussing over you than it is to get them to accept that you don't eat meat. People in the Midwest are pretty accepting, in general. Whenever we go to family gatherings my grandma always frets about making something special for my dad, but he always tells her not to. One thing I would suggest is to let them know beforehand that you are a vegetarian, so they know what to expect, but make sure to tell them not to make anything special just for you. That way they don't feel like you're ambushing them with vegetarianism. Everyone will be happier that way. Good luck!-COLLAPSE
I'm one of those for whom a carnivorous diet completely works; my health has improved tremendously. If vegetarians think that cattle ranchers will freak out when they reveal themselves, try being a carnivore among vegans (due to some volunteer work I do I'm thrown among some particularly militant young ones). I found this out the hard way when I was invited to a potluck for the group. The invite...+READ
I'm one of those for whom a carnivorous diet completely works; my health has improved tremendously. If vegetarians think that cattle ranchers will freak out when they reveal themselves, try being a carnivore among vegans (due to some volunteer work I do I'm thrown among some particularly militant young ones). I found this out the hard way when I was invited to a potluck for the group. The invite said "vegetarian". I brought deviled eggs, both so I could eat something other than a salad and because it'd been my experience there's usually a few ovo-lactos in a gathering like that. You would have thought I'd brought children's severed heads on pikes. When I pointed out that the invite said "vegetarian" and not "vegan" I was told that I "should have known they were the same." Uh, no, they're not. A vegetarian can always find something to eat at omnivore's gatherings. For me, trying to find something at a vegan spread that isn't filled with soy, beans or grains is like looking for the Holy Grail--and a vegan would never think to provide something to someone who couldn't eat their food for health reasons. Golden Rule, people, it goes both ways.
/rant-COLLAPSE
The title is funny. It is also appropriate because it refers to how the vegetarian fears she will be perceived.
The title is misleading.
the sensational title is belied by the reasonable advice in the article.