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Dear Helena,
I had a dinner party with 10 guests, and no one offered to help clear the table. I couldn’t believe it. They just sat there drinking and talking while I rushed back and forth. I was brought up to always offer to help when someone cooks you dinner. Am I being totally uptight and old-fashioned?
—My Mother Taught Me Right
Dear My Mother Taught Me Right,
Chowhounds fall into two camps on this topic: hosts who expect an offer of help, and hosts who don’t want guests to lift a finger. The first group thinks that if you make dinner, the least a guest can do is bus a few dishes. The latter group believes that having someone over for a meal is like giving him a gift, and part of that gift is that he need not scrape the plates.
Both groups are partly right. A guest ought to offer to help, but a host should do most or all of the cleaning-up. The offer to help clean up is one of what I call the “Three Polite Questions” for dinner guests. The other two are “What can I bring?” and “Do you need any help cooking?” In all three cases, unless it’s an emergency, it’s rude for the host to demand much in response. You shouldn’t ask guests to pick up a bottle of some obscure liqueur or peel a mountain of turnips. Similarly, when a guest offers to help with the dishes, you shouldn’t hand him some steel wool and say, “Great, see what you can do with this crusty roasting pan.”
So why bother with these questions at all? Because they make hosts feel appreciated. If your guests just carry on chatting and sipping brandy while you collect crumpled napkins, you feel like a servant. A simple offer of help—even though you’ll probably decline—shows that guests don’t take you for granted.
Dear Helena,
When I have my friend over for dinner, she always offers to help clean the dishes, but I have to rewash them the next day because she does a subpar job. Would it be within the bounds of etiquette to correct her technique, or is this looking a gift horse in the mouth?
—Sparkling Cutlery
Dear Sparkling Cutlery,
When a guest offers to help clean up, it can often be more of a hindrance. That’s because people can have very different views on proper dishwashing technique. (For evidence, check out this
lively debate at the Kitchn.)
People also differ widely in their philosophies on how to load the dishwasher. My mother and my husband certainly do not see eye to eye on this.
It would be nice if we could instruct guests that our crystal glasses should be washed in scalding hot water and placed the right side up to dry. But if someone’s doing you a favor, it’s churlish to criticize. Granted, it can be particularly hard to keep quiet when a guest’s gaffes are hurting the environment, like when he lets the hot water run and run, or scrapes food meant for your compost heap into the trash. But you have to choose your moment for a lecture on conserving the Earth’s resources. A guest is not at his most receptive when he’s scrubbing your dirty pots.
So either keep your mouth shut or do the dishes yourself. It’s easy to stop a guest from going near the sink. Just say, “It’s so nice of you to offer, but I’d really rather spend the rest of your visit hanging out.”
i've been raised to believe that as a guest, one should ALWAYS offer to help with cooking or dishes, however as a host, one should NEVER accept or ask.
the closest i've ever come to asking for help is asking a guest to open a bottle of wine, or to just keep an eye on something from bubbling over.
i would feel somewhat under-appreciated however if no one even bothered to OFFER a hand, even...+READ
i've been raised to believe that as a guest, one should ALWAYS offer to help with cooking or dishes, however as a host, one should NEVER accept or ask.
the closest i've ever come to asking for help is asking a guest to open a bottle of wine, or to just keep an eye on something from bubbling over.
i would feel somewhat under-appreciated however if no one even bothered to OFFER a hand, even when i know i'll turn it down. besides, when i have guests over, i just let the dishes stack up, i'd rather enjoy every moment of their company until they leave. it only takes a few minutes to load a dishwasher and pots and pans can sometimes just be left to soak and be done in the morning. that's probably just me though-COLLAPSE
I don't like or want guests to help clean up, for lots of reasons. When they offer, which they usually do, I try to deflect it with humor: "Oh, no, you just sit down and visit with the other guests and enjoy yourself because I sure don't plan on helping when I go to YOUR place!"
Although of course, when I go to their place, I do always offer. Some hosts like the help. It's just that I don't. I...+READ
I don't like or want guests to help clean up, for lots of reasons. When they offer, which they usually do, I try to deflect it with humor: "Oh, no, you just sit down and visit with the other guests and enjoy yourself because I sure don't plan on helping when I go to YOUR place!"
Although of course, when I go to their place, I do always offer. Some hosts like the help. It's just that I don't. I want to clean the kitchen on my own pace and timing, and with my own methods.
I remember particularly once, long ago, when a "helpful" guest gathered up wine glasses from the table, four in each hand. I heard the tinkling as the glasses crashed against one another. Horrified, I ran out to the table. "Oh, my," I said, with a shocked look on my face, "Here, let me get those!"
And I reached out, took them from her, replaced them onto the dining table, and then carried them into the kitchen, two at a time.
"Well!" she said, clearly insulted. "It's not like they're Waterford or something."
As a matter of fact, they WERE Waterford. But even had they been Libby's, they were mine, and I wouldn't be pleased about having the rims chipped thanks to someone else's careless handling.-COLLAPSE
I'd rather NOT have my guests bussing dishes and puttering in my (teeny) kitchen. Its nice that they would offer, but I prefer to chat and digest my food, rather than jumping up and hustling away the plates when (other) people are still eating (my mom and sister do this every year at Thanksgiving and I find it very irritating). The most annoying guests are the ones that take it upon themselves to...+READ
I'd rather NOT have my guests bussing dishes and puttering in my (teeny) kitchen. Its nice that they would offer, but I prefer to chat and digest my food, rather than jumping up and hustling away the plates when (other) people are still eating (my mom and sister do this every year at Thanksgiving and I find it very irritating). The most annoying guests are the ones that take it upon themselves to do this, making their hostess look (and feel) lazy. I heartily disagree with the OP -- to get your knickers in a knot because your guests DONT offer is kinda sad.-COLLAPSE
I don't scour every board, so this topic is new to me....
I don't like when people do my dishes. they never do it right. I usually get them a chair and tell them to sit while I do it. Same with cooking. I think it's fine for them to bring their stuff to my sink though. Them doing my dishes irritates me.
I agree that this "Table Manners" column does seem to touch on topics from other recent columns, hence the slow response rate. Or maybe people simply have lives! :-) Anyway, I always ask if my help is needed. If they say no thanks, I won't force my help on them, especially folks who make it clear they have their own way of doing things.
For a better response, perhaps Helena can write an ORIGINAL article. It seems that for the past several months she has been piggybacking on Chowhound threads - kind of lazy. If she can't come up with an original topic, then she should stop writing.
I hadn't read that thread. Nevertheless, there were many opinions last week regarding kids and fine dining, which is also an extensively covered topic. Guess I was surprised that this was so slow, but agree that at some point , everything has been said.
I think the slow response is the fact that this topic was covered extensively in a recent thread on Not About Food.
Guests not offering to do dishes, is it rude?
http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/682574
What new thing are we going to hear here that wasn't in that thread?
I don't think I've ever seen such a slow response to a Table Manners column. Maybe this is why Helena writes about alcohol so frequently...much higher response rate. :-)
As for clearing tables...I follow the host's lead. If the host is still sitting at the table chatting, I would never start to clear. Once the host starts clearing, I would help. It's just so fast if everyone picks up their own...+READ
I don't think I've ever seen such a slow response to a Table Manners column. Maybe this is why Helena writes about alcohol so frequently...much higher response rate. :-)
As for clearing tables...I follow the host's lead. If the host is still sitting at the table chatting, I would never start to clear. Once the host starts clearing, I would help. It's just so fast if everyone picks up their own stuff and takes it to the kitchen. (Many hands make light work, as Grandma used to say). If the host looked horrified or asked me to stop clearing, I would.
As to the second question, if you have to rewash the dishes the next day, save yourself the irritation, and just wash the dishes yourself in the first place. There is no excuse for correcting the friend's washing technique. I think the appropriate thing to say is something along the lines of "I don't feel like a good host if I let you wash, but I would love it if you kept me company while I clean up."-COLLAPSE
I don't put a premium on clearing the table--there's been a few times I've sat at a table loaded with used dishes with my guests and kept talking and drinking. I found that if it really bothers someone they'll usually ask me where I'm putting the dishes, which generally starts the guilt and people bringing in their plates. Win/win for all.