Cash-Strapped Birthday Dinners

Published on Wednesday, February 3, 2010, by Helena Echlin / Edit Post

Dear Helena,
My birthday is coming up, and I’m leaning toward dinner in a restaurant. The problem is I hate inviting all my friends to a birthday dinner and then expecting them to pay for themselves. Inevitably they’ll end up covering my share too. I wish I had the cash to treat everyone, but short of that, is there an alternative way to celebrate?
—Bday Bummer

Dear Bday Bummer,
It’s not like you are asking your friends to contribute to your Outward Bound expedition or Burning Man trip (I’ve actually received emails from friends asking their circle to chip in for both these things). After all, your friends will be enjoying the dinner too.

Still, the occasion often seems to create problems. Birthday dinners in restaurants have been the source of numerous threads on Chowhound (most recently, this one). People may haggle over the bill, a topic I’ve written about before. It’s no easy matter to pick a restaurant that will meet everyone’s dietary needs. Not all restaurants will take a reservation for a large party, and when your friends have busy lives it can be hard to get them to plan ahead.

Rene Ravenel, a software developer in San Francisco, points out another problem with birthday dinners: “You’re seated the whole time, so you can’t move around and talk to others easily.” You could end up trapped between your best friend, whom you love but talk to every day, and his nice-but-boring girlfriend, who talks about nothing but her knitting blog.

If you’re set on celebrating in a restaurant, you can keep costs down by negotiating a set menu beforehand. Many restaurants are happy to do this. Then your friends at least know the evening’s price tag in advance and can decide whether they can afford it, instead of growing more and more anxious as their fellow guests order the filet mignon and merrily call for yet another bottle of wine.

Better yet, move your party to a bar. Ravenel says his most memorable birthday of recent years was at Zeitgeist, a biker bar in San Francisco with a large outdoor beer garden. “I spent several hours there as friends came and went. There were never more than eight people there at any given time, and I got quality time with every one. ... No one felt rushed because they could arrive when they wanted. No one spent any more money than they wanted.”

If you’re lucky, a friend will show up with a cake to soak up the alcohol. Note to guests: Cupcakes are a bar-friendly option.

CHOW’s Table Manners column appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.

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POST A COMMENT |28 Comments

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  • Also, I can't believe nobody suggested a BBQ. I've often had my birthday at a local park. You can bring some games(frisbee, board games, football, etc.), an ipod & speakers, and food to grill or smoke. I've always done this at a park that allows alcohol and picked up a keg and rented a jockey box. You can bring boxed wine, or bottled(just keep it on the DL as most parks don't allow glass). You...+READ

    Also, I can't believe nobody suggested a BBQ. I've often had my birthday at a local park. You can bring some games(frisbee, board games, football, etc.), an ipod & speakers, and food to grill or smoke. I've always done this at a park that allows alcohol and picked up a keg and rented a jockey box. You can bring boxed wine, or bottled(just keep it on the DL as most parks don't allow glass). You can throw yourself a rockstar party like this for $200. Also, it stretches out the time so that everyone can make it, and allows you to move around and talk to everyone.-COLLAPSE

  • Go somewhere that is BYOB and will do a set menu or ideally family style dishes. This makes settling the bill easy. Also, stop by someone's place or a nearby bar/tavern for drinks afterward so that your broke friends can wish you happy birthday

  • I've never had to invite my friends to dinner for my birthday, but if someone invited me, I wouldn't expect them to pay. I mean, if someone invites me to dinner for any other reason, I don't expect them to pay, so why is this different?
    That said, please no set menu. If I'm running low on cash, I can make a meal from an appetizer. But if you set up a prix-fixe, I can't control the cost, so I'm...+READ

    I've never had to invite my friends to dinner for my birthday, but if someone invited me, I wouldn't expect them to pay. I mean, if someone invites me to dinner for any other reason, I don't expect them to pay, so why is this different?
    That said, please no set menu. If I'm running low on cash, I can make a meal from an appetizer. But if you set up a prix-fixe, I can't control the cost, so I'm going to have to skip it altogether.-COLLAPSE

  • I'm with graffiti and the rest who pay for our own dinners. If someone asks you if you want to go to dinner and they pay that sounds to me like a date. If a friend asks if you want to go with them and other friends to dinner then I would be confused if they paid unless it was some kind of thank you gesture to me for something I'd done.

    Now that I think of it, I have been to dinner with friends...+READ

    I'm with graffiti and the rest who pay for our own dinners. If someone asks you if you want to go to dinner and they pay that sounds to me like a date. If a friend asks if you want to go with them and other friends to dinner then I would be confused if they paid unless it was some kind of thank you gesture to me for something I'd done.

    Now that I think of it, I have been to dinner with friends many times both for celebrations (birthdays) and just to go out. The person who said "let's get together" has never paid for everyone else. That seems really strange to even expect that. Going to dinner or a bar is not the same as having people over to your house for a party. For one thing, you are not the host; you're just coordinating things. You "owe" your friends a little bit of effort (make a reservation basically) and they "owe" you some communication ("we'll come/we won't come") and that is about it.

    For all you birthday-boy-pays-for-everyone people, if a friend asks you if you want to see a movie w/them, do you expect them to pay for that too?-COLLAPSE

  • I ventured back to Helena after being away for awhile, hoping that either CH would can her due to bad advice, or maybe she would get a clue. I was wrong on both accounts.

    Generation, scheneration, manners don't change. And that means you don't invite people somewhere and expect them to pick up the tab. It's very simple--you do what you can afford to do. If you can't afford it, cry me a river...+READ

    I ventured back to Helena after being away for awhile, hoping that either CH would can her due to bad advice, or maybe she would get a clue. I was wrong on both accounts.

    Generation, scheneration, manners don't change. And that means you don't invite people somewhere and expect them to pick up the tab. It's very simple--you do what you can afford to do. If you can't afford it, cry me a river but tough. You'll have another birthday next year.-COLLAPSE

  • I'm barely 30 and my crew goes the "if you invite people, you pay" route.

  • i also think this may be a generational thing or maybe a city thing. i live in new york where virtually no one has enough space to throw a dinner party, so you either do this or don't have a party (or i guess pay for everyone, but no one I know could afford to do that). i've been invited to dozens of such parties. i've also thrown a similar party for my own friend's brithday. in that case though...+READ

    i also think this may be a generational thing or maybe a city thing. i live in new york where virtually no one has enough space to throw a dinner party, so you either do this or don't have a party (or i guess pay for everyone, but no one I know could afford to do that). i've been invited to dozens of such parties. i've also thrown a similar party for my own friend's brithday. in that case though it was at a BYOB place and i brought all the booze.

    my main gripe with them is the same thing that happens with all large groups at restauarants: people always under pay or under tip, and settling the bill becomes a hugh chore.-COLLAPSE

  • graffiti, what's the difference?

  • I'll preface this with "I'm 25, so maybe this IS a generational thing".

    Everytime I've been invited to a birthday dinner, I ALWAYS assume I will be paying for myself. I don't think the person throwing it is rude or out of line. They just want to eat at a certain restaurant, and whoever whats to join is welcome to join. If I have the money, I'll say I'll come. If I don't have the money, I...+READ

    I'll preface this with "I'm 25, so maybe this IS a generational thing".

    Everytime I've been invited to a birthday dinner, I ALWAYS assume I will be paying for myself. I don't think the person throwing it is rude or out of line. They just want to eat at a certain restaurant, and whoever whats to join is welcome to join. If I have the money, I'll say I'll come. If I don't have the money, I respectfully decline, and tell them I'll join for drinks after.

    I just don't see a birthday dinner at a restaurant with close friends as the same thing as a wedding reception invitation.

    Also, zeitgeist in San Francisco is such a wonderful idea for a birthday party.-COLLAPSE

  • tata, inviting someone to an event is different than meeting for pizza. Would you invite guests to a christening, anniversary, wedding, first communion, etc. party and expect them to bring their checkbooks? I would certainly hope not. A birthday is no different. Anyne doing otherwise is incredibly crass.

  • "The person throwing the event should be the one paying for it." Again, ajs42548, I ask with juliachancey, maybe it's our generation, but how is inviting friends out on one's birthday different than asking friends out on any other night? Are you suggesting that every time you invite someone somewhere, simply by virtue of being the inviter, you're supposed to pay for them?

    Now, if the birthday...+READ

    "The person throwing the event should be the one paying for it." Again, ajs42548, I ask with juliachancey, maybe it's our generation, but how is inviting friends out on one's birthday different than asking friends out on any other night? Are you suggesting that every time you invite someone somewhere, simply by virtue of being the inviter, you're supposed to pay for them?

    Now, if the birthday boy or girl wants you to pay for him or herself, as well as yourself, that's different. But to pay your own way, when it's just an invite to dinner (as opposed to a party, which may be a matter of semantic we're getting stuck on)? That seems perfectly normal to me. Again, if you don't like it, don't go.-COLLAPSE

  • There are 2 issues here. Throwing your own party and having people pay for it.
    As I stated earlier, it's ok to throw your own party as long as you pay for it. Would you expect people to pay for your wedding reception? If a bunch of friends tell the birthday person, "Hey we'd like to take you out for your birthday.", that's fine because the birthday person is not throwing it. The person throwing...+READ

    There are 2 issues here. Throwing your own party and having people pay for it.
    As I stated earlier, it's ok to throw your own party as long as you pay for it. Would you expect people to pay for your wedding reception? If a bunch of friends tell the birthday person, "Hey we'd like to take you out for your birthday.", that's fine because the birthday person is not throwing it. The person throwing the event should be the one paying for it. My wife has thrown several birthday parties for myself I for her and we've always paid for it. How arrogant is it to expect others to pay for the party that you're throwing. If others are paying for it, shouldn't they have the right to pick the place and date?-COLLAPSE

  • Maybe its because of my generation, but I agree with the latter posts (except for the spammer). When my friends and I go out for someone's birthday, we buy our own food. Why should the birthday girl (or boy) pay for everyone? If you invite a friend to go to dinner with you on any other day, are you expected to pay for it (such as 'hey, want to catch dinner tonight)? It's an easy enough option to...+READ

    Maybe its because of my generation, but I agree with the latter posts (except for the spammer). When my friends and I go out for someone's birthday, we buy our own food. Why should the birthday girl (or boy) pay for everyone? If you invite a friend to go to dinner with you on any other day, are you expected to pay for it (such as 'hey, want to catch dinner tonight)? It's an easy enough option to say 'not tonight, but I'll catch up with you later.'-COLLAPSE

  • I don't think it's rude to throw a party for yourself (in fact, I prefer this to having others throw one for me!) as long as you're paying and make that clear upfront.

    I tried to throw my own wedding shower, making it clear that no gifts were necessary, and you'd think, judging by some friends' reactions, that I said I was going to drown puppies or something.

  • I don't understand. Why is it bad manners to throw a party for oneself? Why is inviting friends to dinner for one's birthday any different than inviting them out any other night? If it's the implied pressure that they should chip in for your meal, you can qualify up front that you intend to pay for your own meal, just as some wedding invites stipulate "no gifts please."

    Any excuse to go out to...+READ

    I don't understand. Why is it bad manners to throw a party for oneself? Why is inviting friends to dinner for one's birthday any different than inviting them out any other night? If it's the implied pressure that they should chip in for your meal, you can qualify up front that you intend to pay for your own meal, just as some wedding invites stipulate "no gifts please."

    Any excuse to go out to dinner or a party is fine by me, and it would never occur to me to be anything other than flattered by a friend who invited me to celebrate a special day, certainly not offended.

    Those who think it's rude even if you're not asking your friends to pay for you, please enlighten me.-COLLAPSE

  • Wait, what? I've been to countless birthday get-togethers at restaurants, always paid for my own meal (generally in big groups we request smaller checks to make the dividing easier, like one for every four people, with the understanding that we'd pay the automatic gratuity for a large party) and chipped in for the birthday gal/guy's. Have my friends been ripping me off all these years? Are we...+READ

    Wait, what? I've been to countless birthday get-togethers at restaurants, always paid for my own meal (generally in big groups we request smaller checks to make the dividing easier, like one for every four people, with the understanding that we'd pay the automatic gratuity for a large party) and chipped in for the birthday gal/guy's. Have my friends been ripping me off all these years? Are we really at the point where our friendships are not on the up-and-up if we're expected to pick up the check for a dinner every now and then?

    Though I will say that with such birthdays, we very rarely do gifts of any kind. Which I prefer. I'd rather have a nice evening out with friends than stuff that I don't particularly need.

    And I'm with Maxmillion. The simple response for friends who don't have the cash to eat out is that they don't have to go. Done it before and there's no hard feelings.-COLLAPSE

  • The only birthday gatherings I have attended at restos have been planned by the birthday person and each time it was clear we were taking care of our own dinner. As this has never been set in some fancy place, rather a modestly affordable one, this has never posed a problem for me. One time declined the dinner part, showed up late and drank a glass of wine with them all (that I paid for - no...+READ

    The only birthday gatherings I have attended at restos have been planned by the birthday person and each time it was clear we were taking care of our own dinner. As this has never been set in some fancy place, rather a modestly affordable one, this has never posed a problem for me. One time declined the dinner part, showed up late and drank a glass of wine with them all (that I paid for - no biggie.)

    I have never been friends with anyone so wealthy that they could foot the entire bill for the table (well, except my bro-in-law, but that was partly a biz dinner.)

    So, I don't really have a problem with this kind of arrangement. You don't have to attend.

    Not everyone has a big enough place nor the wherewithall to host at home.

    I thought the classiest gesture was a sitch where a gal chose a really great little tapas place (Nona Cafe in Tarzana, CA -- sadly now closed) to celebrate her birthday, gathered about 10 friends and purchased a few pitchers of sangria for the table.-COLLAPSE

  • I personally have banned any and all parties or get-togethers where I am expected to pay for myself, the person who's being feted, and, inevitably, strangers I just met because, really, who's going to drill down the check at the end of the night and pony up their fair share? Oftentimes, half the party have already left by the time it comes to settle the bill!

    I always make it a point to let...+READ

    I personally have banned any and all parties or get-togethers where I am expected to pay for myself, the person who's being feted, and, inevitably, strangers I just met because, really, who's going to drill down the check at the end of the night and pony up their fair share? Oftentimes, half the party have already left by the time it comes to settle the bill!

    I always make it a point to let the bday boy/girl know that I would love to take him/her out for dinner one-on-one, where we'll really have the time to talk and enjoy a great meal to boot.-COLLAPSE

  • I continue to be utterly baffled by this issue. If you want to plan a party for yourself you are the hostess. Where did people get the idea that it is within the bounds of appropriate behavior to invite people to fete you or yours in a restaurant when you do not plan to pick up the check?

    What is the solution.... it's revolutionary! You either pick up the check or you invite people to your home...+READ

    I continue to be utterly baffled by this issue. If you want to plan a party for yourself you are the hostess. Where did people get the idea that it is within the bounds of appropriate behavior to invite people to fete you or yours in a restaurant when you do not plan to pick up the check?

    What is the solution.... it's revolutionary! You either pick up the check or you invite people to your home for drinks. I was never one for a birthday party beyond age 12 and really don't understand the compulsion or sense of entitlement here. Generally my husband or some predecessor took me out and sometimes a small group of friends met for lunch of drinks.-COLLAPSE

  • Put me on the list of people who thinks it's bad manners to say the least to invite people and expect them to pay. I've been invited to parties by the birthday person who picked an expensive restaurant and I was expected to pay for myself. These people probably are telling themselves how great they are. "Yeah, my party was held at the Chez House de Maison Chateau." Either have the party at your...+READ

    Put me on the list of people who thinks it's bad manners to say the least to invite people and expect them to pay. I've been invited to parties by the birthday person who picked an expensive restaurant and I was expected to pay for myself. These people probably are telling themselves how great they are. "Yeah, my party was held at the Chez House de Maison Chateau." Either have the party at your house (many invitees will even ask if they could bring something) or don't have it at all.-COLLAPSE

  • I don't understand this post.

  • If you're strapped for cash to the point that you have to beg your friends for money to finance the fiesta, you have no business having this shindig. The better bet would be to have an informal, small party with drinks and hors d'oeuvres and/or dessert that you're footing the bill for. An equally informal pot luck is another option. We're pretty informal at our home, and the folks we know like to...+READ

    If you're strapped for cash to the point that you have to beg your friends for money to finance the fiesta, you have no business having this shindig. The better bet would be to have an informal, small party with drinks and hors d'oeuvres and/or dessert that you're footing the bill for. An equally informal pot luck is another option. We're pretty informal at our home, and the folks we know like to cook and share their food for the heck of it, so we haven't had any issues in that regard.-COLLAPSE

  • This is more common among young adults, I believe. When you're in college you probably don't have a lot of cash, nor do you have the space to entertain in your studio apartment/dorm. My friends do this every year, and while I don't think it's the greatest thing to do, I understand it. Most of the time it's a dinner somewhere followed by drinks at a bar. Those who don't want to participate in the...+READ

    This is more common among young adults, I believe. When you're in college you probably don't have a lot of cash, nor do you have the space to entertain in your studio apartment/dorm. My friends do this every year, and while I don't think it's the greatest thing to do, I understand it. Most of the time it's a dinner somewhere followed by drinks at a bar. Those who don't want to participate in the dinner can just go to the drinks.-COLLAPSE

  • I thought that Helena was suggesting the set dinner menu in order to make the party more affordable for the person who is doing the inviting, but then got to the part where she says that way your friends know the price tag in advance, and she lost me. I agree, it is always bad manners to invite people to a function and then expect them to pay. I know that it's marginal to even give a party for...+READ

    I thought that Helena was suggesting the set dinner menu in order to make the party more affordable for the person who is doing the inviting, but then got to the part where she says that way your friends know the price tag in advance, and she lost me. I agree, it is always bad manners to invite people to a function and then expect them to pay. I know that it's marginal to even give a party for oneself, but I did give a party for my 50th. It was an open house (I guess that is pretty much what ike04 suggests as "holding court") at which I provided appetizers in the afternoon and then served a simple dinner in the early evening, all accompanied by mid-priced wine and non alcoholic beverages (inevitably some people also brought wine, we're a wine drinking crowd and I live in wine country), followed by cake that I made myself. Honestly it wasn't all that expensive, everyone had a great time, I considered it my present to myself. I've also been to potluck birthday parties and although that is not how I would do it myself, I didn't mind and had fun. A few years ago a friend of mine wanted to celebrate a significant birthday at a very upscale restaurant that is very near where I live. She and her partner asked me and my husband to join them, with the understanding that we would split the bill. I have to admit that I thought this was a little presumptious, but we understood the expectation when we agreed to go, and enjoyed one of the best meals I've ever had. So, in short, for myself I would never expect my friends to pay for any event to which I invite them, regardless of the significance of the occassion; but if someone I like choses to do so, I will probably suck it up and enjoy myself.-COLLAPSE

  • IMHO planning a birthday party that requires your friends to shell out money for anything more than a card and maybe a gift is rude. I am in favor of what my sister calls "Holding Court" She chooses a friend's house (or her own) and provides food and drink. People can come by at any time in a 4-6 hour period to join her for a drink, say hi and socialize. She has also done this in her local pub to...+READ

    IMHO planning a birthday party that requires your friends to shell out money for anything more than a card and maybe a gift is rude. I am in favor of what my sister calls "Holding Court" She chooses a friend's house (or her own) and provides food and drink. People can come by at any time in a 4-6 hour period to join her for a drink, say hi and socialize. She has also done this in her local pub to great success, planning it so people could stop buy on their way home from work.-COLLAPSE

  • Too late to edit but just wanted to clarify my last statement. I did not mean that no one calls me for my bday (they do). I meant that no one calls to initiate his or her own bday celebration.

  • This is a manners column. Helena should be teaching good manners not bad manners. It is bad manners to invite someone to your bday party and expect them to pay. Period. Wait till someone invites you OR hold your own bday party (still questionable, IMO) and pay for it yourself. If you cannot afford to take your friends out to a restaurant, then hold a get together at home.

    Among my friends, we...+READ

    This is a manners column. Helena should be teaching good manners not bad manners. It is bad manners to invite someone to your bday party and expect them to pay. Period. Wait till someone invites you OR hold your own bday party (still questionable, IMO) and pay for it yourself. If you cannot afford to take your friends out to a restaurant, then hold a get together at home.

    Among my friends, we do treat the birthday person. Usually I call the bday celebrant and make plans, sometimes I make plans with other friends. I don't think anyone has ever called me and said when are we getting together for my birthday.-COLLAPSE

  • Why in the heck is Helena getting commentary from a software developer? Did she just get some guy off the street and start asking him questions? Is he a software developer by day and Super Birthday Party Adviser by night? As for the advice, Helena suggests a set menu, or go to bar - absolute genius! I would have never thought of those.